Passivity Moves

[Poppy98]

Passivity moves


-over-apologizing (for blunders/nonblunders not misconduct)
-low posture
-(something about eye contact)
-always doing the gruntwork
-turning the other cheek?
-doing anything outside of the social norm (typically)
-a lack of confidence
-waiting for permission for what you could do yourself
-letting people take what is yours without your invitation
-doing what non-bosses say when they would not do the same
-doing over a certain amount of labor to do a favor (ex going to a different room to get a pen when they already had a pen and were doing nothing but they would not to the same for you)
-being too cautious about inconveniencing people

 

[Matthias]

These passivity modes can be just as annoying as the dominant/aggressive moves you mentioned earlier. A big one that annoys me is someone getting upset (often due to a misunderstanding) and keeping it to themselves. This often means I have no idea they misunderstood something I said and I don't have an opportunity to immediately correct it. Because of that, I have to waste my time trying to figure out why they are treating me differently or acting strangely around me. For example, I might engage in some friendly teasing to help someone feel more socially connected. The passive person misinterprets it as bullying and feels like a victim but doesn't say anything about it, just starts avoiding me more often or makes excuses when I ask for help with something. I try to avoid passive people whenever possible. It's too much unnecessary work dealing with them.

 

[Outdated]

I also find all of those Door Mat moves offensive. People that do this usually have codependency issues and are looking for someone to latch on to.

"I'm not your bloody mother!"
"In your 40s and the balls still haven't dropped, eh?"
"You have no self motivation at all?"
"Don't call me Mate, you're no one's mate. You're a parasite looking for a host."

Those are comments I've actually had to make to people over the years.

 

[Poppy98]

I also find all of those Door Mat moves offensive. People that do this usually have codependency issues and are looking for someone to baby them.

"I'm not your bloody mother!"
"In your 40s and the balls still haven't dropped, eh?"
"You have no self motivation at all?"
"Don't call me Mate, you're no one's mate. You're a parasite looking for a host."

Those are comments I've actually had to make to people over the years.

Passivity is actually a pretty common result of trauma.

(tw)

Spoiler

If you're beaten enough times for not reading someone's mind, you get used to (trying to) anticipate the desires of the jerk in advanced.

It's also common for women (here at least) to be taught not to have a backbone from childhood through death. It's very counter-cultural to be so much as assertive.


On the other hand, your statement might make people feel less badly for trying to make the leap from doormat to drawbridge as doormats tend to feel badly for asserting their needs.

 

[Outdated]

It's also common for women (here at least) to be taught not to have a backbone from childhood through death. It's very counter-cultural to be so much as assertive.

To some degree at least that applies to all societies, and there's a lot of men with insecurity issues that find an independent and free standing woman intimidating. But some of us admire that.

 

[Poppy98]

Passivity moves


-over-apologizing (for blunders/nonblunders not misconduct)
-low posture
-(something about eye contact)
-always doing the gruntwork
-turning the other cheek?
-doing anything outside of the social norm (typically)
-a lack of confidence
-waiting for permission for what you could do yourself
-letting people take what is yours without your invitation
-doing what non-bosses say when they would not do the same
-doing over a certain amount of labor to do a favor (ex going to a different room to get a pen when they already had a pen and were doing nothing but they would not to the same for you)
-being too cautious about inconveniencing people

Making too extreme a threat and not following through.

 

[Hypnalis]

Making too extreme a threat and not following through.

I think t's better not to think in terms of threats at all.

Making threats outside of a negotiation where the other side is expected to reply risks escalation
(excluding e.g. police, where their formal procedures require they say everything three times /lol).

IMO the only meaningful use of something like a "threat" is when you're prepared to act on it immediately. But in that case it's a warning: in terms of the information content it's "if you do 'X' the negotiation ends, and I am prepared and able to react immediately". It's traditional to specify what you'll do, but I don't do that myself.

Outdated's wording is stylish, but to pull that off you need to be able to judge the situation accurately and choose exactly the right phrase. I suspect he's just let slip that he's had plenty of practice dealing with drama

Back on point: verbally controlling the temperature requires that:
1. You can stay calm. Not appear to be calm - it has to be real. And you have to be calm even if you get a mild adrenaline rush.
2. You can manage the "intensity" on your side. Shouting, red face, tensed muscles, rapid breathing, etc are all signs of weakness. You control them on your side, and induce them in the other person.

Bonus point.
3. Sufficiently controlling the behavior people who are being troublesome isn't about asserting dominance.
IRL doing that openly is actually a sign of weakness, so if you're facing someone who can play the game, you'll lose position.

The goal is that they stop being troublesome. Forcing retractions, apologies, or demonstrates of lower status or even an inability to follow through all induce psychological pushback, potentially locking them into "fight mode".
That's counter-productive: you want them in a mild form of "flight mode", unable or unwilling to escalate, and with an easy exit. If that takes an apology or a moment of non-abrasive eye contact, do it.

People who walk away leaving a trail of empty threats behind them don't forget, and they're not likely to come back for more. It's actually a plus if they can't figure out exactly what you did - it leaves an uncomfortable memory that's hard to weaponize, even for a Narc or a bully.

 

[Matthias]

I also find all of those Door Mat moves offensive. People that do this usually have codependency issues and are looking for someone to latch on to.

"I'm not your bloody mother!"
"In your 40s and the balls still haven't dropped, eh?"
"You have no self motivation at all?"
"Don't call me Mate, you're no one's mate. You're a parasite looking for a host."

Those are comments I've actually had to make to people over the years.

On the one hand, people need to be called out when they act passive. On the other hand, passive people who hear these responses will probably interpret it as confirmation of negative beliefs about themselves (being unlikable, a loser, or a failure), which will reinforce their negative self-esteem and encourage more passivity in the future. They'll probably avoid you in the future but I'd like to respond in a way that helps the other person although I'm not sure how to do that.

 

[Poppy98]

I'd like to respond in a way that helps the other person although I'm not sure how to do that.

This is pretty much the answer. ^


(Not that you might not already, but)
--ask them or
--ask for consent and/or their preferences and
--don't try to change their mind.

If it's someone far less poweful/younger than you, you also sometimes have to
--think through where a boundary would be even if they don't yet know it.


The way that people learn assertiveness is by people allowing them to assert and by the boundary working.

 

[Hypnalis]

IMO passivity is more complicated than it sounds. it includes:

a. Handing responsibility for decisions, work, leadership etc to another person by inaction
b. Weaponized incompetence
c. Passive aggression
... and probably many more.

OTOH my impression of the OP is that it's mostly a list of unproductive behaviors that should be recognized and remediated while on the path from doormat to sufficiently assertive.

My list above is of seemingly passive behaviors that are deceptive and/or exploitative where the passive aspect is manipulative. e.g. (a) and (b) are often used to avoid contributing equally to a team while sharing equally in the rewards.

 

[Outdated]

Outdated's wording is stylish, but to pull that off you need to be able to judge the situation accurately and choose exactly the right phrase. I suspect he's just let slip that he's had plenty of practice dealing with drama

I see it from a couple of different angles.

As a Printer I used to train apprentices, 16 year old kids fresh out of school. The training was as much about how to start being an adult and how to find your place in the world as it was about the actual trade and helping them develop healthy egos that would allow them to survive in a competitive world was a huge part of that. The training of apprentices is not gentle by any means, passive encouragement plays no role in that training. They are put in to a very black and white environment where they get praised when they do good and absolutely ridiculed if they make the same mistake several times over.

I've also had several people try to latch on to me in my life as they desperately want someone else to take responsibility for their lives for them. In their own way they're every bit as bad as the bully, the more you give them the more they'll just sit back and relax and let you do everything for them. Not this little black duck! Never again.

 

[Poppy98]

where the passive aspect is manipulative

Ah yes, that does make sense. Manipulation is so annoying.