Passive Bullying of Those on the Autism Spectrum

[Sportster]

. . .

 

[Mr Allen]

I used to get bullied on most gaming forums, till I started fighting back, hence I'm now banned on most of the major ones, because the Mods tend to side with the trolls because they have exceedingly large post counts (probably hacked).

 

[fairy_girl]

All of the time with some of my mom's family and my mom's friends. Honestly I think that they want to get an emotion out of me because talking alot is just draining. I don't get it so I just ignore them for the most part. My mom's friend does it because she's jealous of my and my mom's relationship, relationship envy.

 

[SunnyDay16]

I think some of the professionals I have dealt with could be passive bullies sometimes, whether they intended to or not. Some of them would talk to me in a sugary sweet tone that felt pretty condescending at times, sad thing is that I don't think they even realized they were doing it. Even if they had good intentions, the way they came off sometimes insulted my intelligence and made me feel disrespected. Bullying exists on all levels and has many different forms, from institutions to the "professionals" who are supposed to build us up.

 

[Gracey]

Not sure if this qualifies ?

A couple of years ago at work, I was probably one of the few who knew company policy and procedures inside out. If a customer had a complaint and brought it to the counter in an aggressive (?) Agitated manner dictating the terms in which they would only be satisfied and threatening to go to head office and get everyone sacked...and so on, in basic terms, using aggression to create fear of confrontation. I would be asked to go and deal with this customer.

I did deal with these types of customer. My voice, being a bit monotone stayed the same and I could be factually honest. I rarely meet someone's eyes and if I do I've been told I stare (and can look a bit scary)
I was able to state facts without reacting, in an honest way.
That's all well and good until it became a form of entertainment for the colleagues I worked with.
Any customer that looked as if they were going to 'kick off' I got put in front of them so my colleagues could partially hide amused at the drama of it all. My supervisor was amongst them, it was she who instructed me to go and deal with these customers.
It was almost like a sport to watch.

It took me a little while to catch on what was actually happening. When I refused point blank to go and deal with anymore customer complaints I was ostracised and then disciplined for my attitude towards my supervisor.
As an American might say, "Go figure?"

 

[SunnyDay16]

With that being said, sometimes we all can be passive bullies without realizing it. It's part of being human, but we can also recognize when we're doing it and become aware of how we're making others feel.

 

[Mr Allen]

Not sure if this qualifies ?

A couple of years ago at work, I was probably one of the few who knew company policy and procedures inside out. If a customer had a complaint and brought it to the counter in an aggressive (?) Agitated manner dictating the terms in which they would only be satisfied and threatening to go to head office and get everyone sacked...and so on, in basic terms, using aggression to create fear of confrontation. I would be asked to go and deal with this customer.

I did deal with these types of customer. My voice, being a bit monotone stayed the same and I could be factually honest. I rarely meet someone's eyes and if I do I've been told I stare (and can look a bit scary)
I was able to state facts without reacting, in an honest way.
That's all well and good until it became a form of entertainment for the colleagues I worked with.
Any customer that looked as if they were going to 'kick off' I got put in front of them so my colleagues could partially hide amused at the drama of it all. My supervisor was amongst them, it was she who instructed me to go and deal with these customers.
It was almost like a sport to watch.

It took me a little while to catch on what was actually happening. When I refused point blank to go and deal with anymore customer complaints I was ostracised and then disciplined for my attitude towards my supervisor.
As an American might say, "Go figure?"

I've dealt with rude customers in Charity shops before, and it's usually company Policy that if a customer starts getting arsey, buzz for the Gaffer.

 

[Streetwise]

I have experienced passive bullying my entire life, though I was never cognizant of it until after my diagnosis. After that, I became aware of what was taking place and I reevaluated the nature of some of my relationships. I am confident that many of those relationships were genuine but built upon the eccentric manifestations of my ASD.

I grew weary of being “house entertainment;” I grew weary of hearing, “You make me laugh,” especially when I was not trying to make people laugh and was merely being myself. Those with whom I was in a relationship were totally clueless, but it became clear that the nature of our relationship dramatically changed to the point of parting company when I altered my behavior to conceal or minimize the manifestations of the ASD.

I even once brought it to an individual’s attention. Sadly, they did not see what they were doing as a problem even after I clearly pointed out my side and what they were doing. I no longer see that individual or any member of his family.

Same here

 

[VioletHaze_03]

I actually came to this place because of passive bullying. A friend of mine used to call me weird, and would point out how strange the things I said regularly were. She eventually got tired of me not picking up on her cues, and told me to change or get lost. I've guess I've experienced this sort of thing a lot, but I just don't think I've noticed it.

 

[nowwhat]

I Think its fairly pussified to throw the "bullying" label around so freely. Sorry but I dont think what you are describing is bullying at all. Its just humans doing what they do to someone who is different. Its not our fault we're wired the way we are, but tye same is true of NTs. The exclusion, the jokes, the pigeonholing and stereotyping are all as automatic to NTs as breathing and eating. Toughen up. Grow a pair. Earn their respect. And if someone really bullies you, defend yourself.

 

[mw2530]

Yes, passive bullying rings true with much of my experiences with people I've spent time with. I didn't recognize it at the the time and still can miss it. Looking back, I have a tough time distinguishing who some of my true friends really were.

 

[SunnyDay16]

I Think its fairly pussified to throw the "bullying" label around so freely. Sorry but I dont think what you are describing is bullying at all. Its just humans doing what they do to someone who is different. Its not our fault we're wired the way we are, but tye same is true of NTs. The exclusion, the jokes, the pigeonholing and stereotyping are all as automatic to NTs as breathing and eating. Toughen up. Grow a pair. Earn their respect. And if someone really bullies you, defend yourself.

While I do agree that the term "bullying" is indeed overused in today's society, I don't agree with the passive bullying label being "pussified". I think it's a pretty accurate term. It's mostly just a way to explain what is going on.

At the same time, I agree with you in the sense that it is probably something that is never going to change. People will always stereotype, exclude, joke, and act ******. It sucks and it's unpleasant but it's life. I don't agree with you though that its automatic nature to NTs, because it isn't NT nature but human nature. I have seen people with Aspergers do it as well. It's mostly part of immaturity and lack of education on the subject of autism itself.

 

[wight]

It seems to me there is a line to be drawn between typical human behavior. That passive aggressive exclusionary, clique, point out the weird guy, crap. That's one thing and we all deal with it, NTs do it to each other too.

It's a different thing if your "friends" ask you around only so they can point and laugh. It's a different thing if people do it with intent.

<sigh> There is nothing to do about it but stay away from people like this as much as possible.

 

[SunnyDay16]

It seems to me there is a line to be drawn between typical human behavior. That passive aggressive exclusionary, clique, point out the weird guy, crap. That's one thing and we all deal with it, NTs do it to each other too.

It's a different thing if your "friends" ask you around only so they can point and laugh. It's a different thing if people do it with intent.

<sigh> There is nothing to do about it but stay away from people like this as much as possible.

I do agree that there does need to be a line that is drawn. There's a difference between a friend who makes a mistake and a friend who is a bullying jerkass. It's just hard to draw that line, but I would say that they're a bully if they do not have empathy for how they made you feel and do not care.

 

[xDominiel]

Its not our fault we're wired the way we are, but tye same is true of NTs. The exclusion, the jokes, the pigeonholing and stereotyping are all as automatic to NTs as breathing and eating.

It's true that people can do it without thinking. But they aren't automatons. If made aware of how they make people feel they should take that into account. And if they continue at that point, while aware of how it affects the other, then it's definitely bullying.

Earn their respect.

I don't see why this should be a priority.

 

[xudo]

I had no idea what this meant, until I read the explanation in the OP. Yes, I have experienced passive bullying, all the way through high school by people who were supposedly my friends. I thought that was how you treated your friends, even though I was the only one treated in that way. Eventually I got some friends who weren't d***s.

 

[Jet Weiss]

I have experienced this my entire life, from family members, teachers, professionals, peers, etc. I always sort of knew it was bullying even though people would discount it when I complained.

 

[SunnyDay16]

Exactly!!! As a boy I had teachers that mocked and insulted me in such a way that it insulted my intelligence, as it came across as a lame attempt to express concern. I look back now and wonder, "If they could see I was different and had a problem, then why didn't they make an attempt to help me instead of joining in and encouraging others through their own complacency?"

I had a couple teachers over the years that made that "small effort" to build me up, but for the most part they were all just like the others; students and faculty.

That's rough! My friend has a teacher's aid who is like that--always putting him down, both covertly and overtly. It irritates me that she's allowed to talk to him that way, when she's supposed to be helping him.

I feel that type of mocking is the worst type of mocking too, because it's done in a covert way. I would much rather be flat-out yelled at and berated than be covertly mocked by a sweet tone.

 

[Katina12]

I'm an NT and I've experienced this as well, I'm not a big eater and very thin naturally and a lot of people feel entitled to make fun of my eating habits. I agree it is a real and very hurtful at times form of bullying that includes condescension, belittling, and making the other person feel "other" in some way. It often makes me very upset because you can't really get too mad about it without feeling like an oversensitive weirdo yourself.

 

[Alaska]

I Think its fairly pussified to throw the "bullying" label around so freely. Sorry but I dont think what you are describing is bullying at all. Its just humans doing what they do to someone who is different. Its not our fault we're wired the way we are, but tye same is true of NTs. The exclusion, the jokes, the pigeonholing and stereotyping are all as automatic to NTs as breathing and eating. Toughen up. Grow a pair. Earn their respect. And if someone really bullies you, defend yourself.

I think your post here could amount to passive bullying.

As pointed out by others, how can you expect a young child to , "toughen up, grow a pair, defend yourself, etc" when bullied by a teacher or parent? This is also counter productive when applied to friends, who are kind of snake-in-the-grass, backstabbers, when you have trouble recognizing them for what they really are? Why would we even want to earn the respect of such a person?

I think suggestions offered here to leave such people a wide berth are more productive. Acting just like them is not an acceptable choice. Becoming what you despise is not helpful to anybody.