Painting myself into a corner

[nagibator]

Well after being diagnosed in January only I'm in the process of reviewing myself and my behaviour.

One thing I have noticed is the lack of subtlety. I may notice it from others but usually put it off as a sign of weakness. Then I overshoot coming of too strong, resulting in the other person thinking wtf. And then I don't know what to do. Because apologising for being myself is out of the question. I had a reason and that reason is still valid.

Well at least now I see the difference. First step to adjusting. I just find it hard as the "old" response is pretty close to a reflex as it gets.

It's usually something like. This particular thing I don't like so the whole situation or person is tainted. I don't want any of that.

Reminds me of what my diagnostician said. Black and white is how I see the world. Which isn't true in theory. Yet in practice it is. I just never saw it that way. Because I myself am making self referential sense.

Not sure what to say. But I'm pissed at this and wish it was different. I'm kind of disconnecting myself from other people this way and then mourn the fact of me being disconnected, because they don't connect to me unless I'm making an effort myself. Well that mostly goes for females. I just wish it was all clear and logical. :...(

 

[xudo]

It's usually something like. This particular thing I don't like so the whole situation or person is tainted.

This is exactly what I'm like too.

But I'm pissed at this and wish it was different. I'm kind of disconnecting myself from other people this way and then mourn the fact of me being disconnected, because they don't connect to me unless I'm making an effort myself.

This is where we differ. It doesn't bother me at all that I have very few friends and don't really socialise. I have no interest in having many friends, or really doing any social activities, so I don't feel like I'm disconnected or missing out in some way. I do do social things sometimes, but on my own terms and usually at our house.

 

[Kirsty]

But I'm pissed at this and wish it was different. I'm kind of disconnecting myself from other people

I'm quite depressed over this as this is how I am too. I say things inappropriately at times without realizing and I wonder how people really see me. It makes the cycle of trying to get myself out there harder as it hurts my self-esteem. I'm just not wired to have conversations face to face with NT people. Also, when I do try and relax a bit out of my script, I can see people sense I'm vulnerable and hunch their shoulders while they smile like you do with a kid. I'm 32.

 

[Butterfly88]

I've had my diagnosis a while (since age 7) and I've learned to not see it as a weakness. I see it as a difference and in some ways a strength. I hope in time you will come to the same conclusion.

 

[WereBear]

I actually treasure my ability to be blunt and honest But it's not always appropriate.

I have learned to study people like any other interesting topic, and gauge how well they can "handle the truth."

 

[nagibator]

This is exactly what I'm like too.



This is where we differ. It doesn't bother me at all that I have very few friends and don't really socialise. I have no interest in having many friends, or really doing any social activities, so I don't feel like I'm disconnected or missing out in some way. I do do social things sometimes, but on my own terms and usually at our house.

It used to not bother me either, because I was busy being distracted either by work or entertainment at home. I have reduced that now also with the intention of meditating vs numbing my mind. I'm on the path of being more emotionally connected to myself and hopefully also to others in the future.

 

[nagibator]

I actually treasure my ability to be blunt and honest But it's not always appropriate.

I have learned to study people like any other interesting topic, and gauge how well they can "handle the truth."

"The truth" is your truth and subjective. Not being blunt helps give the other person space and a place to save face.

It's nice to have found an online community with people that understand what I'm saying. Still the part in me that rejects myself and others is something that I need to be able to express itself in paced manner.