One trend in my life that I have unfortunately grown all to accustomed to.

[BrianWV39]

Hello, my name is Brian, I am 39. My biggest goal in my life has always been to get a girlfriend. Whatever is required out of someone in order to get a girlfriend I just do not seem to have. The blunt truth is women do not seem to like me, and none have ever enjoyed spending time with me. I'm not proud of this; much of my struggle with autism stems from this reality. That I am simply not what women look for in a partner. This has been an extreme challenge for me in life.

When it comes to women I have always felt there is a sort of countdown that starts ticking as soon as I meet them. For many women the time they give me to start is basically nothing, for others the countdown is much longer but nevertheless there is always a countdown. I have never met a woman who matched my energy. I am always so happy and joyful to meet them and start talking/communicating with them. Yet inside I always know it is temporary. They will tolerate me for a bit then move on.

Perhaps an example of this played out when I was 23 years old. My social circle from college was falling apart on me during my last semester as an undergrad. I was in a very dark place and struggling, I was very desperate to make new female friends, since the only female friend I had ended her friendship with me. I was reaching out in email to anyone I even remotely knew. One of my classmates whom I knew just a little was kind enough to email back to me.

She understood I was going through a very difficult time in my life. She made it obvious early that she had no romantic interest in me (women are always good about this) and we emailed back and forth for about two weeks. I was open and honest with her about the struggles I was going through. I knew deep down eventually the emails would stop. She would lose interest in me, and I would never hear from her again. After we sent maybe three emails to each other, she never responded to my fourth email. It was a pattern I knew all too well. I never heard from her or saw her again. It is so embarrassing knowing that she meant more to me than anyone else in the world for those two weeks. The first thing I would do every time I turned a computer on was to check my email. Just hoping and praying an email from her would be there. It always meant the world to me when there was one.

I knew it would end though. I knew it would be painful for me. But I took what I could. Those little moments of kindness from women have always meant the world to me. I grew so very tired of that countdown clock. Knowing that no matter what I did that none of them would be interested in me long term. I've done my best in life to enjoy all those moments I have gotten to spend with women with all my heart. I will say that

 

[tree]

How do you get along with men?
Do you have male friends, people you can talk with?

 

[BrianWV39]

How do you get along with men?
Do you have male friends, people you can talk with?

Thank you so much for asking. I do not have any male friends. To be fair men in general dislike me for many of the same reasons women dislike me (fitting in socially is pretty much the same skill set as dating). The only difference is since I am not interested in male friendship this fact does not cause me any pain. Men don't want to be friends with me; I do not want to be friends with them- it actually is one part of my life that works out.

I live with my parents, and I can talk to them about most things. One aspect I am not really comfortable opening up to them about is my desire for a romantic relationship. This is partially why I enjoy discussing my desire for a relationship online because it is not something I am able to do in real life. Beyond that I do not really have anyone to talk to.

I have probably spent as much time in therapy as anyone on here. I started going to weekly therapy sessions (sometimes twice a week) in my early twenties. I kept that up for about ten years. I still occasionally see a therapist off and on throughout my thirties.

Some therapists are better than others. I saw well over a dozen. One thing remained true my entire time in therapy- I remained single. I talked exclusively about my desire for a romantic relationship. It never happened, nor did it get close. Whatever benefits therapy provides that is one area it could not help me with.

By and large no I do not really have anyone to talk to about my desire for a relationship. Thus, I enjoy writing online so very much talking about it thank you so much again.

 

[BrianWV39]

Rereading my post about male friendship perhaps makes it come across that I have something against male friends or male friendships. This is not really fair. A few things probably need to be stated. I was completely friendless by the time I got to middle school. I did not make my next friends until I was 21. This meant all my interests, hobbies, and pursuits in life were solo activities during those years.

I was always painfully shy in middle school and high school, so I had no social life and spent all my time alone at home. I pursued interests like movies, novels, intellectual ideas, artistic notions. I am also probably about the least competitive person you will ever meet. I really do not enjoy anything where there is a winner and a loser. So, I have never been interested in card games, board games, video games, challenges, gambling, or anything remotely competitive.

This meant male spaces and typical male hobbies never had any appeal to me. I probably put more emphasis on female friendships over the years. I never really had a long-term female friend. But lord knows I tried for many years

My point being is that I am no way anti-male or against having platonic male friendships in principle. It is just that my world and inner life are just not really built for male friendships and hobbies.