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On the way I talk

Discussion in 'General Autism Discussion' started by grommet, Sep 20, 2019.

  1. grommet

    grommet Well-Known Member

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    On the forum I feel like I can most be myself, the only place I can really do that. So here I speak the way I think. In my mind, I do not use contractions and I am very exact. I have always hidden that from people because I have been made fun or or looked at like I was strange. I realized that when I was very young.

    Hiding who I really am is painful and has made me feel lonely all my life. Every time I did it, it reminded me to feel bad about who I really was.

    I mention this now because some people have noticed the way I speak on the forum and have asked questions politely about my language skills. They have been gentle and not attacking but it made me self-conscious enough that I started cheating and using contractions again because I did not want to keep attracting attention. But I felt so bad after I did it.

    The only place I can really be myself is with other aspies. It is such a wonderful freedom. I have had the experience in real life too. I used to go to an aspie support group and there I could speak the way I really do. Nobody minded. My ex girlfriend is aspie and with her I could go further because unless I force myself to lie, sometimes I am non-verbal. I can make up for it by lying, almost like putting on a character and speaking as them but it is a lie, it is not me. She would let me speak in choppy sentences or only use the words that mattered to express myself like "Do not like, feels bad." She never looked at me like I was crazy.

    It is wonderful to be accepted. It is the best thing to be who I actually am. I have spent a life hiding who I really am. I still do not think I can be who I am in public among regular people - I have tried and it has gone quite badly. But I hope that here I keep having the courage to be honest about who I am .

    I think many aspies have spent a lifetime pretending, acting like someone who would fit in and not who they really are. I do not know that is true but it is my life story and I wonder how much of my unhappiness comes from not being able to be honest and be myself.

    aspiecentral is a good place, people are very nice here.
     
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  2. Fino

    Fino Alex V.I.P Member

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    I had to learn to substitute unusual, large, or "complicated" words for simpler words when I speak, and I got into the habit of quickly stopping myself when I'm about to use an uncommon word and replacing it with something more relateable. Doing otherwise attracted negative attention.

    As an adult, I've tried to stop that habit, just like you're doing, but I still find myself doing it sometimes. It's hard to change habits!

    Good for you! :)
     
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  3. SusanLR

    SusanLR Well-Known Member

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    I have to adjust medical terms into things people understand.
    Only with others in medicine can I use terms that most don't know what
    I mean.

    But, I don't keep up on medicine so much now that I'm retired anyway.
    So it has gotten a lot easier to just talk as they expect.
    I'm more mindful now.
    Keep the special interest things under control with other people unless they are interested.
     
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  4. Pats

    Pats Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Hi Grommet. I'm 61 and didn't get my diagnosis until I was almost 60, which changed everything I felt about myself. (to the better). I never once even thought about autism before. But one thing I always struggled with all my life was this feeling of being caught. I knew it wasn't from anything I did and I couldn't figure out what it was. When I re-worded it, it made more sense - fear of being found out. That led me to realize that I was afraid of someone finding out who I really am, and that person is not likeable. (Funny thing, though, the real me is sometimes way more likeable and kinder than the pretend me). I always had this cover that I was just aloof and didn't care. The repressed me cares, cares too much and hurts. Anyway, my diagnosis made it easier for me to accept the real me and I love that I can be that here, too.
    The repressed me stays inside and often is going at 100 mph (kph) while the outside me appears calm. The inside me is a basket case and the outside me is collected. I'm still to repressed to physically exhibit what I'm feeling, but I can now tell people (some people) what I'm feeling and, though they see me as calm, they will believe me when I say I'm can't take this, or I'm going nuts here, or that actually infuriates me and I'm anything but calm. Maybe a lot like Billy Jack. lol
     
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  5. Thinx

    Thinx Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Yes I relate to what you are saying about not being able to just be who we are, in the past I've tended to think it's just the process of socialisation that's repressed me, but understanding about autistic traits and Aspergers now, I see that I had to reinterpret myself into an acceptable version who seemed more neurotypical. But I m not. The margins for neurotypical behaviour often seem pretty narrow, for example today ordering cream teas at a cafe my friend asked for cheese scones with the cream and jam, the staff had to confer before allowing this.

    My friend nodded to them and said Yes we're odd. But really how odd is having a cheese scone rather than a scone with sultanas, with your tea? Taking a walk on the wild side or what. In all sorts of areas I have compromised my true self and learnt to be Normal. It didn't work of course because I am not neurotypical, but it's made me less confident and less use in the world.

    I wish this may improve for future generations, and I am glad even belatedly to be able to recognise and retrieve some of who I am. Well done you, @grommet !
     
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  6. GadAbout

    GadAbout Well-Known Member

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    All communication involves a transmitter and a receiver. If you are transmitting in terms that your audience (the receiver) can't understand, the communication will fail and will have the side-effect of making them uncomfortable, which often will mean they will make YOU feel uncomfortable.

    So I often modify my word choices and even my nonverbal communication to what I think will work with the intended audience.

    Notice that to me, this does not mean I am being inauthentic. It's just that I realize I have to meet my listener half-way, and often, more than half-way.
     
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  7. grommet

    grommet Well-Known Member

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    I do that too and I started when I was young. The other kids would look at me like I was strange and make fun of me. So I forced myself to "dumb it down" as I thought of it. I also learned not to give the exact time when people asked. That really upset them if I sad 12:04 instead of 12:05 or better to them, just say noon. It hurts when I am inaccurate. I twist inside. So I had a lifetime of twisting and hurting myself until maybe I resented other people and myself too. I think it is important to fit it, I think it is about getting the social support we need. We have to get along well enough to function around each other. But being aspie it was painful giving up who I really was and am.
     
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  8. grommet

    grommet Well-Known Member

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    I think I see what you mean. I did find that I could use technical terms if I found a way to include a quick explanation of what they meant but this does not always work out. Sometimes I think I am doing well explaining something, in a way that is quick and easy for my listener but later find that they do not want to talk to me anymore. That hurts. I feel foolish then, like I should know better. But I am aspie and having enough self-awareness when socializing is mostly not possible for me. It is my limitation. Still hurts though to be rejected. Not their fault, I would feel how they do I guess.
     
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  9. grommet

    grommet Well-Known Member

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    ♥️
     
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