Old home videos of myself - observations

[Coupe]

My aunt sent some old home videos of me and my half sisters that she shot when we were all little kids, and we sat down to watch them tonight. When we were watching the videos of me, I kept watching for early signs that were possible indications of my having Aspergers....

When I first started watching footage of me when I was about 4-ish, the impression that I got was that I was kind of, well...a little nuts at that age. I literally SCREAMED everything I said and spoke as if I were issuing commands. Apparently I was one feisty little Carling (baby Car) in my younger years.

Then later on, during a video of me at the Camp Snoopy park in the Mall of America (this would have been years before MOA lost the rights to the Peanuts characters and had to re-do the whole area with Nickelodeon properties), I appear to be having a good time, even in the midst of overwhelming sensory input such as crowds, a band playing, and just general screaming and hollering. There's a few seconds of me doing some vaguely "stimmy" stuff with my hands, but that's about it. I loved it when a performer in a Snoopy suit came out...I went over to hug him and wouldn't let go.

Then there were a few videos of me during Christmas during the same year (I was still at least 4), and I appear to be interacting with people (mostly my folks, aunt and grandparents) quite well....I'm just acting like a typical overexcited little kid who wanted to open presents right now and not wait until Christmas Day the following day. In one instance, my mom started singing in her almost operatic choir voice when we were in the kitchen (she was part of the choir at our church), which happened to be one of my auditory sensory hot buttons at the time. I rapped out, "No singing, Mommy!!" to which she said, "Coupe, never you mind!" I retorted irritably, "I'm MINDING!" lol

I'm also shown playing a lot with three little toys of Shari Lewis' Lamb Chop, Charlie Horse and Hush Puppy characters; even referring to them as imaginary friends (i.e. "Charlie Horse says he wants to open a Christmas present right now, Mommy.") There's also a brief clip that shows me covering myself up with an afghan, and when my aunt asks me if I'll come out, I say, "No...I don't want the light on my eyes."

I didn't really start noticing anything resembling Asperger's until we started watching the videos of my younger half-sisters. In those videos I was about 8 or 9 years old, and in the Christmas 2001 video, when I would have been about 9, I appear to be (almost concerningly) withdrawn and even sort of depressed. I've become considerably more chastised and sedate since age 4, and I avoid eye contact unless I force myself to do it. In fact, the only one I give consistent eye contact to in the video is my favorite aunt, who also happens to be the "videographer." I'm also seen carrying around a toy of Randall from Monsters Inc; staring at him and even talking to him during my periods of withdrawal. I'm still getting along well with everyone, I'm just really withdrawn and shy.

I don't really know where I'm going with this, and I don't really know why I was on the lookout for signs of autism/Aspergers while I was watching my younger self. I can't tell which parts of my younger self were Aspergers and which were just "Coupe;" is what I guess I'm trying to say. And maybe it's all "just Coupe," I'm not sure. I kind of wish I'd been able to hold onto just a little bit of the same spunk I had as a little kid, rather than becoming cowed and timid in my middle childhood.

I didn't get through all of the DVD of me tonight...I plan to watch the rest sometime tomorrow.

 

[royinpink]

My aunt sent some old home videos of me and my half sisters that she shot when we were all little kids, and we sat down to watch them tonight. When we were watching the videos of me, I kept watching for early signs that were possible indications of my having Aspergers....

When I first started watching footage of me when I was about 4-ish, the impression that I got was that I was kind of, well...a little nuts at that age. I literally SCREAMED everything I said and spoke as if I were issuing commands. Apparently I was one feisty little Carling (baby Car) in my younger years.

Then later on, during a video of me at the Camp Snoopy park in the Mall of America (this would have been years before MOA lost the rights to the Peanuts characters and had to re-do the whole area with Nickelodeon properties), I appear to be having a good time, even in the midst of overwhelming sensory input such as crowds, a band playing, and just general screaming and hollering. There's a few seconds of me doing some vaguely "stimmy" stuff with my hands, but that's about it. I loved it when a performer in a Snoopy suit came out...I went over to hug him and wouldn't let go.

Then there were a few videos of me during Christmas during the same year (I was still at least 4), and I appear to be interacting with people (mostly my folks, aunt and grandparents) quite well....I'm just acting like a typical overexcited little kid who wanted to open presents right now and not wait until Christmas Day the following day. In one instance, my mom started singing in her almost operatic choir voice when we were in the kitchen (she was part of the choir at our church), which happened to be one of my auditory sensory hot buttons at the time. I rapped out, "No singing, Mommy!!" to which she said, "Coupe, never you mind!" I retorted irritably, "I'm MINDING!" lol

I'm also shown playing a lot with three little toys of Shari Lewis' Lamb Chop, Charlie Horse and Hush Puppy characters; even referring to them as imaginary friends (i.e. "Charlie Horse says he wants to open a Christmas present right now, Mommy.") There's also a brief clip that shows me covering myself up with an afghan, and when my aunt asks me if I'll come out, I say, "No...I don't want the light on my eyes."

I didn't really start noticing anything resembling Asperger's until we started watching the videos of my younger half-sisters. In those videos I was about 8 or 9 years old, and in the Christmas 2001 video, when I would have been about 9, I appear to be (almost concerningly) withdrawn and even sort of depressed. I've become considerably more chastised and sedate since age 4, and I avoid eye contact unless I force myself to do it. In fact, the only one I give consistent eye contact to in the video is my favorite aunt, who also happens to be the "videographer." I'm also seen carrying around a toy of Randall from Monsters Inc; staring at him and even talking to him during my periods of withdrawal. I'm still getting along well with everyone, I'm just really withdrawn and shy.

I don't really know where I'm going with this, and I don't really know why I was on the lookout for signs of autism/Aspergers while I was watching my younger self. I can't tell which parts of my younger self were Aspergers and which were just "Coupe;" is what I guess I'm trying to say. And maybe it's all "just Coupe," I'm not sure. I kind of wish I'd been able to hold onto just a little bit of the same spunk I had as a little kid, rather than becoming cowed and timid in my middle childhood.

I didn't get through all of the DVD of me tonight...I plan to watch the rest sometime tomorrow.

I think it's natural to want to go back and see how you were as a kid, how it developed, etc. I wish I could watch the old tapes of myself. They're all on 8mm tape in another country. The best I can do is replay what I remember. When I was still a kid, I used to watch my baby videos over and over again.

I remember one that opens with someone announcing "Father's Day" and the date, then panning to me sitting in a baby pool in a frilly suit just screaming my head off--not crying, just the same, constant, high-pitched tone. I used to think it was the most hilarious thing, like I already knew my dad and I wouldn't get along. Now I wonder if it wasn't a sensory thing. On that note, I remember I tried to run away once because of how my mother brushed my hair.

In another, I am dressed for Halloween, and I just keep saying "Ey-go" over and over (my contraction for "There you go"), drawing out the syllables, backing away up the stairs one by one, giggling.

Hmmm... I'm not really experienced enough in kids either with or without ASD to say what that means. I think it'd be really cool to have tapes of when I was a little bit older, like you have, but my parents pretty much stopped when I got to 3 or 4.

Anyway, I don't mean to derail your thread. I just also think it's interesting. Sounds like you started responding to social difference around age 9? Sad that it made you so withdrawn

 

[Aspergirl4hire]

There's a photographic portrait of me at 4 years old that I think about, but will never ask for a copy of. I'm not looking at the photographer. Something's off--it looks almost not-of-this-world in a way I find vaguely disturbing. My sister's portrait shows her giggling through her fingers at the camera. She's looking just past it, but she looks connected to what's going on in a way that I don't.

 

[Coupe]

Something else I noticed while watching these videos was my youngest sister's reaction to my aunt's dog being nearby, when she was approaching age one. When a dog approached her, she would start to sort of twirl both her hands, bounce up and down, and say "Da, da, da, da..." over and over in an attempt to say "Dog." Sometimes I wonder if she isn't somewhere on the spectrum as well, since she's basically the same way I was when I was her age....into animals and animated movies and TV, art, and not at all interested in boys or fashion the way other 13-year-old girls tend to be.