I am writing this down as I'm looking for some help. But I'm also about to write a rant, a trouble and a page and a half of explanation.
I'm not sure where to start or finish as the list is endless, but here goes it.
It starts with all my life, but at the same time the point I decided to do something about it was the point of a life crisis, mental breakdown of "I CAN'T TAKE NO MORE." And at this point of "I can't take no more" I did something really stupid and told my doctor that a part of me thinks I'm on the aspie spectrum as in my teens I had read a perons blog "day in my life style" and I couldn't believe it was like reading my life. It was at one of those points of feeling isolated and never understanding why I didn't fit in. For years I refused to take any more note of it , research about it or do more. (I deeply regret this choice now) I was adamant that I was going to achieve my life goal of being a wildlife veterinary nurse, so I could travel and see all of life's beautiful things whilst using my hands to help.
However I had trouble at college which I managed to overcome and scrape through, I managed after years of trying to get a voluntary placement which allowed me to go to uni to do vet nursing, I was almost complete after struggling at uni with fitting in, I had problems with tutors, problems with starting and remaining in assignments, I got sacked from voluntary placements because of things I accidentally said, but despite this I got all the way to the end of my course.
I learnt how to mimic colleagues to answer phone calls, and even manage consultations, i struggled at lunches , I struggled with small talk to staff, I struggled being overloaded at work and my emotions ( but luckily there was always a quiet laundry room that needed sorting, things that needed cleaning and animals that needed attending to. And no matter how hard I tried I ALWAYS HAVE found that at work that are those who love me for my quirks and recognise the hard work I give and those that I manage upset through words.
I managed to find a way to try and balance all these out even if it meant on my day off I kept myself to myself, and after work I wouldn't really talk to anyone and slept a lot trying to recover from the hecticness of work and exhaustion from communicating at work all day UNTIL my anxiety overwhelmed me in a practical exam where I struggled to speak and my shakes were exceptional this day, which was brought out by a tutor I had problems with was my the asessor. (twice) , THIS BROUGHT A COMPLETE STOP TO MY LIFE. I didn't get my qualification, I lost my job , which then faced homelessness and as well as a motorcycle incident, an incident which I got hurt in the street by a man , and also getting pregnant.
At first I saw mental health people who didn't really help as they got frustrated with me being unable to talk as I had no words. I was distraught and suicidal . This is when I mentioned the possibility of aspergers to my doc. She reluctantly sent me for testing but unfortunately for me due to the state of mind I was in I really didn't open up and understand where my struggles was to tell the aspergers testing people . When asked if I had problems at work I answered no because my work was good. But I didn't associate the other problems as a part of it . There were many questions I also said I didn't know the answer, too.
When I went to the appointments I was scared to research aspergers as I was worried they wouldn't believe me and I was worried they would think I was doing it as there had been attention in the media . I was worried they would think I'm saying this to make an excuse for everything that had happened.
As a result when I actually went to the appointments I went into defence mode and as I've learnt now known as the Mask of aspergers . I was unable to provide history to them and I was unable at the time to give them a person to ask questions to who was 10 years older than me as I wasn't really that close to my mother at the time . And my dad is another enigma all of his own. I was unsure whether my aunt would help as I spent as much time at hers as I did my mum's my dads and friends.
During the assessments I was so scared of falling into silence that I tried to fill gaps as I had just had a lot of hassle from the other mental health services form doing just that. At the time of all this happening i was suffering a lot of self-harm and suicidal thoughts ( which I now have come to understand that a lot of the self-harm was in complete meltdowns) they suspected I had aspergers, but then decided I didn't, then changed their minds to "don't know". (confused.com)
Since then 3 years have passed and I got pregnant and had a baby , and oh well things got even more difficult has I had a junior psychiatrist diagnose me with a borderline personality disorder because of my self-harm and lack of speech which lead to social services try to take my unborn child from me, until I saw the consultant who said that this wasn't the case and after my ordeal that I was suffering a prolonged adjustment reaction . Yes, my daughter lives with me.
This is where I'm left. When the people said I wasn't, I started to accept that, but couldn't figure why I'm so different, I've had breakdowns in every area of my life where I have felt I've gone backwards 10+yrs on everything I've ever worked on including social interaction, speech, conversation, being aware of myself , meeting new people, trying not to interrupt , being comfortable in groups, clothing, (I've become very attached to same clothes and can't break it) , my mental health is so bad that the excitement thing doesn't happen so much any more about subjects because I feel what ever I talk about people would be bored or my opinion isn't important enough, or Im probably wrong anyway. ...... complete backward mental breakdown.
In recent months since having my daughter I have been working with a enw health visitor and one for my mental health . Mental health health visitor (MHHV) who have asked if I would be tested for aspergers as they feel they have picked up on some thing. I hadn't told them my story about this it's something they proposed to me. I was scared, but they came with me to my doctors and got a referral. But not only am I scared they wont believe me, but they have also sent me back to the mental health team that a year ago said they didn't feel could help me. I'm so confused .
Since working with my MHHV she has helped me acknowledge lots of other problems I have including my noise sensitivity that I thought everyone experienced, and problems I've had with the opposite sex and situations I've found myself in . In fact lots of things I've always been to scared to tell anyone about or didn't fully understand. With her support I've also been researching aspergers and I find myself in state of tears because it's like reading my own life.
( Ive realised how much I've wrote here and trying to shorten it)
So now I'm confused and don't know what to do because I'm not sure the aspergers team will see me and I don't think they are going to hear my words. I've been awaiting a year for a different therapy regardless and my lovely MHHV also has set me up with some CBT besides this which is starting in a couple of weeks.
I realise ive just spilt so much of everything in this, but has anyone got any input or been through anything similar?
I feel like a fraud but at the same time
I'm not sure where to start or finish as the list is endless, but here goes it.
It starts with all my life, but at the same time the point I decided to do something about it was the point of a life crisis, mental breakdown of "I CAN'T TAKE NO MORE." And at this point of "I can't take no more" I did something really stupid and told my doctor that a part of me thinks I'm on the aspie spectrum as in my teens I had read a perons blog "day in my life style" and I couldn't believe it was like reading my life. It was at one of those points of feeling isolated and never understanding why I didn't fit in. For years I refused to take any more note of it , research about it or do more. (I deeply regret this choice now) I was adamant that I was going to achieve my life goal of being a wildlife veterinary nurse, so I could travel and see all of life's beautiful things whilst using my hands to help.
However I had trouble at college which I managed to overcome and scrape through, I managed after years of trying to get a voluntary placement which allowed me to go to uni to do vet nursing, I was almost complete after struggling at uni with fitting in, I had problems with tutors, problems with starting and remaining in assignments, I got sacked from voluntary placements because of things I accidentally said, but despite this I got all the way to the end of my course.
I learnt how to mimic colleagues to answer phone calls, and even manage consultations, i struggled at lunches , I struggled with small talk to staff, I struggled being overloaded at work and my emotions ( but luckily there was always a quiet laundry room that needed sorting, things that needed cleaning and animals that needed attending to. And no matter how hard I tried I ALWAYS HAVE found that at work that are those who love me for my quirks and recognise the hard work I give and those that I manage upset through words.
I managed to find a way to try and balance all these out even if it meant on my day off I kept myself to myself, and after work I wouldn't really talk to anyone and slept a lot trying to recover from the hecticness of work and exhaustion from communicating at work all day UNTIL my anxiety overwhelmed me in a practical exam where I struggled to speak and my shakes were exceptional this day, which was brought out by a tutor I had problems with was my the asessor. (twice) , THIS BROUGHT A COMPLETE STOP TO MY LIFE. I didn't get my qualification, I lost my job , which then faced homelessness and as well as a motorcycle incident, an incident which I got hurt in the street by a man , and also getting pregnant.
At first I saw mental health people who didn't really help as they got frustrated with me being unable to talk as I had no words. I was distraught and suicidal . This is when I mentioned the possibility of aspergers to my doc. She reluctantly sent me for testing but unfortunately for me due to the state of mind I was in I really didn't open up and understand where my struggles was to tell the aspergers testing people . When asked if I had problems at work I answered no because my work was good. But I didn't associate the other problems as a part of it . There were many questions I also said I didn't know the answer, too.
When I went to the appointments I was scared to research aspergers as I was worried they wouldn't believe me and I was worried they would think I was doing it as there had been attention in the media . I was worried they would think I'm saying this to make an excuse for everything that had happened.
As a result when I actually went to the appointments I went into defence mode and as I've learnt now known as the Mask of aspergers . I was unable to provide history to them and I was unable at the time to give them a person to ask questions to who was 10 years older than me as I wasn't really that close to my mother at the time . And my dad is another enigma all of his own. I was unsure whether my aunt would help as I spent as much time at hers as I did my mum's my dads and friends.
During the assessments I was so scared of falling into silence that I tried to fill gaps as I had just had a lot of hassle from the other mental health services form doing just that. At the time of all this happening i was suffering a lot of self-harm and suicidal thoughts ( which I now have come to understand that a lot of the self-harm was in complete meltdowns) they suspected I had aspergers, but then decided I didn't, then changed their minds to "don't know". (confused.com)
Since then 3 years have passed and I got pregnant and had a baby , and oh well things got even more difficult has I had a junior psychiatrist diagnose me with a borderline personality disorder because of my self-harm and lack of speech which lead to social services try to take my unborn child from me, until I saw the consultant who said that this wasn't the case and after my ordeal that I was suffering a prolonged adjustment reaction . Yes, my daughter lives with me.
This is where I'm left. When the people said I wasn't, I started to accept that, but couldn't figure why I'm so different, I've had breakdowns in every area of my life where I have felt I've gone backwards 10+yrs on everything I've ever worked on including social interaction, speech, conversation, being aware of myself , meeting new people, trying not to interrupt , being comfortable in groups, clothing, (I've become very attached to same clothes and can't break it) , my mental health is so bad that the excitement thing doesn't happen so much any more about subjects because I feel what ever I talk about people would be bored or my opinion isn't important enough, or Im probably wrong anyway. ...... complete backward mental breakdown.
In recent months since having my daughter I have been working with a enw health visitor and one for my mental health . Mental health health visitor (MHHV) who have asked if I would be tested for aspergers as they feel they have picked up on some thing. I hadn't told them my story about this it's something they proposed to me. I was scared, but they came with me to my doctors and got a referral. But not only am I scared they wont believe me, but they have also sent me back to the mental health team that a year ago said they didn't feel could help me. I'm so confused .
Since working with my MHHV she has helped me acknowledge lots of other problems I have including my noise sensitivity that I thought everyone experienced, and problems I've had with the opposite sex and situations I've found myself in . In fact lots of things I've always been to scared to tell anyone about or didn't fully understand. With her support I've also been researching aspergers and I find myself in state of tears because it's like reading my own life.
( Ive realised how much I've wrote here and trying to shorten it)
So now I'm confused and don't know what to do because I'm not sure the aspergers team will see me and I don't think they are going to hear my words. I've been awaiting a year for a different therapy regardless and my lovely MHHV also has set me up with some CBT besides this which is starting in a couple of weeks.
I realise ive just spilt so much of everything in this, but has anyone got any input or been through anything similar?
I feel like a fraud but at the same time
and then if for whatever reason, they don't give you the answers you know you need, then that's okay too - why? b/c YOU know the truth about yourself, and that alone will set you free. Nothing is better than understanding that you are Aspergers - then everything makes sense and you'll be able to see yourself truly without feeling weird about it.
