Not sure of diagnosis - could use feedback or suggestions - lengthy post.

[K Someone]

My son is 24 and has struggled with anxiety and depression, mild Tourette's (non verbal tics) and ADD all his life. But these diagnoses just don't explain his behavior. As a young child I noticed he was "different" nothing outstanding, but he had difficulty making decisions, got frustrated easily and needed constant reminding to do things. He never wanted to join family outings like going to the beach or bike riding. He said he didn't like it, but we were always able to get him to reluctantly join in. He would have fun once he got there..he just always resisted family or social events. He has always had friends (although all "outcast types") He has had girlfriends and is relatively social but is not a particularly thoughtful boyfriend. He is super smart and was in gifted programs in elementary school but always needed prodding and micro management in order to get homework and chores done. He plays piano and was a terrific actor in the local community theater when he was an adolescent. He gave up both when he found a girlfriend. He has a passion for electronic music production, loves music and writing. He wants to be a Music Producer but but never follows though on anything. He plays video games constantly and/or seems to have on-line additions. He lies (and always has) constantly to avoid admitting he was wrong, lies about applying for jobs, lies about working on his music, he even pretended to go to work for weeks after he quit. He has not kept a job for more than a few months and I am usually the one to find the job for him. He doesn't seem to be able to grasp the concept of budgeting money, he overdrafts constantly even though we taught him how to check is balance on line and at the bank many times. He won't eat unless he is reminded, he has horrible hygiene practices and we need to remind him to wash, brush his teeth and clip nails....He's 24!!! If he wanted to go to college we were willing to pay for everything. He declined. We stated if he didn't go to school, he would have to work and help out around the house. He exhibited a complete failure to launch. At 18 and after almost a year of arguing about his "laziness" we kicked him out thinking that would get him off the couch and working. That was a complete failure. I made him come home after 3 months of couch surfing with friends. He lost 15 pounds and was filthy. I don't think he has any of the skills necessary or ability to make it on his own. He doesn't seem to connect the dots the same way other young men do. I often wondered if he might have Aspergers but he did not show any of the "typical" listed symptoms found on-line such as being "anti-social, awkward, not getting social ques...etc." He didn't fit the "Mold". Now I feel like a complete failure as a mom for not being able to help him or figuring out earlier what is preventing him from living a happy and productive life. I am afraid to bring up Aspergers to him because I don't want to make him feel any worse than he already does. he knows something is wrong, but he thinks its just depression. I tend to disagree. Any help or comments are appreciated. I may be way off base...but I am grasping at straws at this point.

 

[Ereth]

First things first: you're not a failure. In fact, from what you've told us about your son, you're quite the opposite. I'm not sure how to address the subject with your son, but I do have one idea. Does he see someone for his depression? Maybe you could ask his doctor about ASD and see if you can make it part of the conversation that's already happening.

Welcome!

 

[King_Oni]

A lot of what you say does feel recognizable... I was (and perhaps still am) a bit like him. For most of my twenties I just want back and forth between courses in school because it's this unwritten rule that you have to do something; either get a job, or study for a career (and get a job therafter).

For me personally, it did take until my late 20's until I ended up at a therapist who forwarded me for a potential Asperger's/Autism diagnosis.

As much as I can understand why bringing up Asperger's (or any condition in general) might be tricky, I guess you could always contact a a mental healthcare professional in your area, talk to them and eventually see if your son is willing to go for a talk because the way he's living life now doesn't really warrant a good future at all. Not going to college is one thing, but failing to take care of basic hygiene and such is a totally different matter that might eventually become a health issue (and I'm not even talking about possible employment). Besides, even if he thinks it's "just depression", I think it would benefit him to see someone about it and see what makes him feel depressed and if there's any form of support from professionals to get out of the rut he's experiencing.

 

[K Someone]

First things first: you're not a failure. In fact, from what you've told us about your son, you're quite the opposite. I'm not sure how to address the subject with your son, but I do have one idea. Does he see someone for his depression? Maybe you could ask his doctor about ASD and see if you can make it part of the conversation that's already happening.

Welcome!

Thanks Ereth! He has recently started seeing a psychologist for his depression. BUT since he is an adult, the therapist will not discuss anything with me without permission from my son. The therapy has been a little helpful, but he keeps missing his appointments. My son also has a lot of trouble sleeping or sleeping too much and that may be the depression too ??

 

[K Someone]

A lot of what you say does feel recognizable... I was (and perhaps still am) a bit like him. For most of my twenties I just want back and forth between courses in school because it's this unwritten rule that you have to do something; either get a job, or study for a career (and get a job therafter).

For me personally, it did take until my late 20's until I ended up at a therapist who forwarded me for a potential Asperger's/Autism diagnosis.

As much as I can understand why bringing up Asperger's (or any condition in general) might be tricky, I guess you could always contact a a mental healthcare professional in your area, talk to them and eventually see if your son is willing to go for a talk because the way he's living life now doesn't really warrant a good future at all. Not going to college is one thing, but failing to take care of basic hygiene and such is a totally different matter that might eventually become a health issue (and I'm not even talking about possible employment). Besides, even if he thinks it's "just depression", I think it would benefit him to see someone about it and see what makes him feel depressed and if there's any form of support from professionals to get out of the rut he's experiencing.

Thanks King Oni! He is seeing a therapist and it is helping a little. I am trying to work my way into a session but he is at a point where he kind of blames us for everything right now so I want to give him space. I may go on my own to a different Dr and see what he thinks and if he has suggestions. I was more wanting to know if his behaviors were similar to anyone on this board... I appreciate your advice.

 

[Ereth]

Thanks Ereth! He has recently started seeing a psychologist for his depression. BUT since he is an adult, the therapist will not discuss anything with me without permission from my son. The therapy has been a little helpful, but he keeps missing his appointments. My son also has a lot of trouble sleeping or sleeping too much and that may be the depression too ??

Oh, right, I forgot about the permission thing.

And depression can definitely mess with a person's sleep.

 

[Kari Suttle]

Has he always had bad hygiene? If he has it could just be him. I know that while i, like most people, practice good hygiene, if its not something that's habitual (like brushing my teeth), i'm very much habit based. If he is depressed, depression does tend to do that. It steals your motivation and your energy, makes you not wanna get out of bed in the morning or eat much less take care of important things in life like going to school or getting a job. And just so you know, you haven't failed your son. You're responsible as a mom to be there for him and to teach him everything you can teach him, but its his responsibility what he does with what you teach him. It sounds like you've done well by him, getting him in to even get those diagnosis' you listed and trying to do right by him growing up.

 

[Judge]

Even if he does has Aspergers, quite frankly it sounds like it's his comorbid depression that is driving most of his behavior. Without sufficient personal drive and motivation, concerns over socialization may be a moot point in comparison.

I'm self-diagnosed when it comes to my perceived autism, however I was formally diagnosed with OCD and chronic clinical depression/social anxiety years ago. Being an Aspie and having OCD doesn't preclude me from being productive or creative.

Depression on the other hand, has great potential for self-destruction. It can- and does stop me cold from time to time. It was a personal choice to go off meds a long time ago. No "joy", but I found "me" again.

 

[tlc]

Your description of him sounds EXACTLY like several people I know who have been diagnosed as ADHD. Whether there will ever be more to any of their diagnoses I don't know. Just going by what I've seen.

 

[K Someone]

Has he always had bad hygiene? If he has it could just be him. I know that while i, like most people, practice good hygiene, if its not something that's habitual (like brushing my teeth), i'm very much habit based. If he is depressed, depression does tend to do that. It steals your motivation and your energy, makes you not wanna get out of bed in the morning or eat much less take care of important things in life like going to school or getting a job. And just so you know, you haven't failed your son. You're responsible as a mom to be there for him and to teach him everything you can teach him, but its his responsibility what he does with what you teach him. It sounds like you've done well by him, getting him in to even get those diagnosis' you listed and trying to do right by him growing up.

Kari - He has always had to be reminded to keep up his hygiene. I literally have had to remind him almost every day of his life to brush his teeth. He lives on his own now (with our help) and he does shower every couple days and he may brush his teeth once a day..but not a habit or priority. I have asked him about it and he said the depression does make him care less about himself...but he has been like this since he was little. He seemed to always need to be reminded to do the littlest things that come natural for most after a while. so I don't think depression is the main reason. I feel like he is somehow he has something within him preventing him from being able to be independent...or some internal conflict and that is why I am asking if there are any similarities to his behaviors to someone with Aspergers. I can't pinpoint it because to me it is not typical behavior.

 

[K Someone]

Even if he does has Aspergers, quite frankly it sounds like it's his comorbid depression that is driving most of his behavior. Without sufficient personal drive and motivation, concerns over socialization may be a moot point in comparison.

I'm self-diagnosed when it comes to my perceived autism, however I was formally diagnosed with OCD and chronic clinical depression/social anxiety years ago. Being an Aspie and having OCD doesn't preclude me from being productive or creative.

Depression on the other hand, has great potential for self-destruction. It can- and does stop me cold from time to time. It was a personal choice to go off meds a long time ago. No "joy", but I found "me" again.

Thanks- I know the depression is a BIG factor but there is an underlying factor (which I think may be Aspergers) that is contributing to to his feelings of guilt and anger at us for us perceiving him as a F up, when he can't seem to help it. All I wish for him is peace and finding a good place within himself.

 

[K Someone]

Your description of him sounds EXACTLY like several people I know who have been diagnosed as ADHD. Whether there will ever be more to any of their diagnoses I don't know. Just going by what I've seen.

Thanks TLC - I think he has a combination of several factors that are keeping him from living a happy productive life and I will die trying to help him pull out of as much as he can.

 

[Judge]

Thanks- I know the depression is a BIG factor but there is an underlying factor (which I think may be Aspergers) that is contributing to to his feelings of guilt and anger at us for us perceiving him as a F up, when he can't seem to help it. All I wish for him is peace and finding a good place within himself.

I can appreciate where you're going with that, however you may be placing too much emphasis on a diagnosis of ASD alone.

Coming to terms that one's issues are neurological in nature and not anything personal may help to rationalize and learn somewhat to deal with the origins of their traits and behaviors. However rationalization of ASD alone won't necessarily supplant symptoms of depression or any other comorbid concerns. It ultimately may depend on the nature and severity of his depression.

I can only tell you that in my own case simply being self-aware of my own autism isn't some kind of "magic bullet" that solves my very real comorbid clinical depression and OCD. I have to deal with manifestations of all of them- all of the time. With some things that I can address to some degree and others I cannot address at all. For me the only "peace" or "good place" is often the logic of living only one day at a time.

By all means, look for professional help for him- but don't readily anticipate any real "cures".

 

[K Someone]

I can appreciate where you're going with that, however you may be placing too much emphasis on a diagnosis of ASD alone.

Coming to terms that one's issues are neurological in nature and not anything personal may help to rationalize and learn somewhat to deal with the origins of their traits and behaviors. However rationalization of ASD alone won't necessarily supplant symptoms of depression or any other comorbid concerns. It ultimately may depend on the nature and severity of his depression.

I can only tell you that in my own case simply being self-aware of my own autism isn't some kind of "magic bullet" that solves my very real comorbid clinical depression and OCD. I have to deal with manifestations of all of them- all of the time. With some things that I can address to some degree and others I cannot address at all. For me the only "peace" or "good place" is often the logic of living only one day at a time.

By all means, look for professional help for him- but don't readily anticipate any real "cures".

I understand. I am doing all I can to help him. He does need to help himself as well..he is trying. I know his depression plays a huge part in this and am not thinking it is Aspergers alone. Just suspicious it may be a contributing factor. I know there are no cures for depression or aspergers...just the knowing or getting a diagnosis may give us some direction and hopefully a way to better understand and deal with the issues at hand. I really appreciate all of your suggestions.