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Not Good Enough

Discussion in 'Off Topic' started by SimonSays, Mar 3, 2021.

  1. SimonSays

    SimonSays A work in progress

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    I'm looking out the window waiting for her to come home
    I haven’t seen her all day and I miss her
    She’s not just my wife she’s my best friend
    We hang out, go out, eat, watch, play, and only her work interferes, making her have to leave even when she wants to stay
    If she’s late home I get anxious
    Send a message if I haven’t heard
    Won’t settle until I hear back
    I love her so much
    My life changed because of her
    She is not like the others
    Those I got to practice on before she came along
    I still have time alone
    Walk by myself
    Write
    But only when I’m alone
    Otherwise I want to be with her
    Like to hear about her day
    Imagine things to do together
    Life is better with her in it

    I’m dependent on her
    She is important to me
    What she wants matters
    I set aside mine for hers
    I predict, pre-empt, surprise
    Make her feel wanted, loved and cherished
    I feel this too
    She works long hours
    Returns tired, needing time for herself
    I'm insecure and this affects me
    I don’t want it to
    I don’t know how to reveal it
    If I do it makes her feel bad
    Like she’s not good enough
    I don’t want her to feel that way
    I’m losing myself
    Feelings stay unexpressed
    If we don’t talk things fester
    I withdraw
    Shutdown
    Protect my heart

    What I once did I don’t do now
    She notices and doesn’t like it
    I try not to feel hurt
    I focus on what works and not on what doesn’t
    But that doesn’t help and the gap widens
    We argue
    I feel like I should go
    She often does
    She sits in her car leaving me alone
    I miss her quickly
    I always want to make things right
    Show her I love her
    Not feel rejected when I do
    She might be out there for hours
    And I’d better not go outside
    She’ll drive away and that’s much worse
    I feel terrible at having made this happen when all I wanted was for things to be nice
    What makes it worse is that I’m reliant on her
    My visa expired long ago
    I have money
    But she is the provider
    Usually the man went to work
    We are reversed
    She wins the bread
    I take care of the place
    I shop and cook
    Have a meal ready when she comes home
    Things she might like
    Surprises
    I never thought I’d be a housewife
    She wanted a husband
    She knew she was getting me though
    I just wasn’t good enough.
     
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  2. Major Tom

    Major Tom Searching for ground control... V.I.P Member

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    Man can I relate to this. Seriously. I wish I had advice to offer, but I'm in the same boat.
     
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  3. SimonSays

    SimonSays A work in progress

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    Thanks for the thought. No need for advice. I wrote this some time ago. We're no longer together. Just wanted to share it.
     
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  4. SusanLR

    SusanLR Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Is it better to have loved and lost,
    than to never loved at all?

    That is an overly quoted quote, but, I've always wondered if it holds true to most.
    I never fell in love deeply enough to want marriage or have the special feelings you describe,
    so I can't truly relate.
    Only one who has been through this would know the answer to the question.

    Curious cat...:tigerface:
     
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  5. Judge

    Judge Well-Known Member

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    Hard to say if one of the other is better or worse. I suppose both are just plain bad IMO.

    Though losing someone and knowing it was your own fault is not pretty. Especially when it haunts you for the remainder of your life. :oops:
     
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  6. SimonSays

    SimonSays A work in progress

    Messages:
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    Well, to never have loved at all...you don't really know what you've never had. You might imagine, see what it appears others have, but it remains a kind of wonder at best. No heartache. No pain. No growth? IDK.
    Whereas, to have loved and lost, usually by the time of the loss you are ready to accept it, maybe even want it. Things have changed, and so have you. But before they did, while it was all so alive, the feeling of connection, togetherness, like something that was missing no longer is. That's powerful. That's worth knowing. Nothing else feels like it. But there is a price. Everytime. And it seems like, at least for me, it doesn't last. It just can't. Intensely bright, then burnt out.

    I can't say I know the answer as to which is better. I only know loved and lost. I think I may be better for it. Sadder perhaps, but I think I would still do it again.
     
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