Not Good Enough

[SimonSays]

I'm looking out the window waiting for her to come home
I haven’t seen her all day and I miss her
She’s not just my wife she’s my best friend
We hang out, go out, eat, watch, play, and only her work interferes, making her have to leave even when she wants to stay
If she’s late home I get anxious
Send a message if I haven’t heard
Won’t settle until I hear back
I love her so much
My life changed because of her
She is not like the others
Those I got to practice on before she came along
I still have time alone
Walk by myself
Write
But only when I’m alone
Otherwise I want to be with her
Like to hear about her day
Imagine things to do together
Life is better with her in it

I’m dependent on her
She is important to me
What she wants matters
I set aside mine for hers
I predict, pre-empt, surprise
Make her feel wanted, loved and cherished
I feel this too
She works long hours
Returns tired, needing time for herself
I'm insecure and this affects me
I don’t want it to
I don’t know how to reveal it
If I do it makes her feel bad
Like she’s not good enough
I don’t want her to feel that way
I’m losing myself
Feelings stay unexpressed
If we don’t talk things fester
I withdraw
Shutdown
Protect my heart

What I once did I don’t do now
She notices and doesn’t like it
I try not to feel hurt
I focus on what works and not on what doesn’t
But that doesn’t help and the gap widens
We argue
I feel like I should go
She often does
She sits in her car leaving me alone
I miss her quickly
I always want to make things right
Show her I love her
Not feel rejected when I do
She might be out there for hours
And I’d better not go outside
She’ll drive away and that’s much worse
I feel terrible at having made this happen when all I wanted was for things to be nice
What makes it worse is that I’m reliant on her
My visa expired long ago
I have money
But she is the provider
Usually the man went to work
We are reversed
She wins the bread
I take care of the place
I shop and cook
Have a meal ready when she comes home
Things she might like
Surprises
I never thought I’d be a housewife
She wanted a husband
She knew she was getting me though
I just wasn’t good enough.

 

[Major Tom]

Man can I relate to this. Seriously. I wish I had advice to offer, but I'm in the same boat.

 

[SimonSays]

Man can I relate to this. Seriously. I wish I had advice to offer, but I'm in the same boat.

Thanks for the thought. No need for advice. I wrote this some time ago. We're no longer together. Just wanted to share it.

 

[SusanLR]

Is it better to have loved and lost,
than to never loved at all?

That is an overly quoted quote, but, I've always wondered if it holds true to most.
I never fell in love deeply enough to want marriage or have the special feelings you describe,
so I can't truly relate.
Only one who has been through this would know the answer to the question.

Curious cat...

 

[Judge]

Is it better to have loved and lost,
than to never loved at all?

That is an overly quoted quote, but, I've always wondered if it holds true to most.

Hard to say if one of the other is better or worse. I suppose both are just plain bad IMO.

Though losing someone and knowing it was your own fault is not pretty. Especially when it haunts you for the remainder of your life.

 

[SimonSays]

Is it better to have loved and lost,
than to never loved at all?

That is an overly quoted quote, but, I've always wondered if it holds true to most.

Well, to never have loved at all...you don't really know what you've never had. You might imagine, see what it appears others have, but it remains a kind of wonder at best. No heartache. No pain. No growth? IDK.
Whereas, to have loved and lost, usually by the time of the loss you are ready to accept it, maybe even want it. Things have changed, and so have you. But before they did, while it was all so alive, the feeling of connection, togetherness, like something that was missing no longer is. That's powerful. That's worth knowing. Nothing else feels like it. But there is a price. Everytime. And it seems like, at least for me, it doesn't last. It just can't. Intensely bright, then burnt out.

I can't say I know the answer as to which is better. I only know loved and lost. I think I may be better for it. Sadder perhaps, but I think I would still do it again.