Newly diagnosed Aspie female

[JKG]

Hello everyone. I was recently diagnosed with aspergers at age 50. I live in an area with no adult support networks for folks like us, so am grateful to have found this site. I am a gay woman in a 9 year relationship with a NT partner; the relationship is troubled due in part to my aspergers. So many books on AS/NT relationship issues are grounded in assumptions that the AS person is male and NT female--so those descriptions are only partially helpful. I'm new to my diagnosis so am still trying to figure out what this means and who I am as a gay aspie middle aged female. I look forward to learning new things from you all.

 

[Aspergirl4hire]

Hi JKG. Welcome to the show! Quite a few of us have "late" adult diagnoses and weak adult support. We look forward to learning from you, too.

 

[annominous]

Hi there! I am new as well, 46 and formally diagnosed at the end of last year. Heteronormative and gender binary 'everything' can be exhausting to me, too, as nothing quite fits when you're outside of the social standard. I hope you find the help you are looking for. x

 

[Vanilla]

Welcome

I'm sorry you've had trouble with finding any books, that are more relevant, to your situation. There seem to be quite a few others, who also struggle to find the same. I do know that we have a wide variety of different orientations, on our site, so perhaps, starting a thread, specific to your issues, in the relationships section, might help (if you haven't already done so).

Should you be interested in searching for other types of books/ web links/ etc., related to AS, feel free to browse our resources section. Members are also welcome to add resources: Autism & Asperger's Resources | AspiesCentral.com

 

[inabox]

Hello JKG. I like your avatar

 

[JDartistic]

Hello. I am also a gay woman who was diagnosed at 50. My wife of 7 years left me right before my diagnosis. It broke my heart bc we didn't know what the problem was. I learned about my HF autism 3 months after she left. I am now 52 & struggling with the whole middle-aged menopausal thing & find it challenging to say the least.

Work on your relationship while you have it & learn everything you can about autism/Asperger's. Make sure she understands what it is & all that it entails, such as stimming, meltdowns, etc.

If you haven't read this yet, do so. Yes, a guy wrote it but it's all we got - it's about saving a marriage (NT & Aspie male). It's called The Journal of Best Practices by David Finch. It's a good book & your partner may want to read it, too.

Knowing you're an Aspie will help you understand things, but it is hard coming to it at 50. Trust me. I know. I spent a whole year mad at my therapists who never got it. But once you get beyond the shock of it, it does help you. You can forgive yourself more & understand why you do things differently. It can be an Ah-Ha moment for both you & your partner.

 

[JKG]

Hello. I am also a gay woman who was diagnosed at 50. My wife of 7 years left me right before my diagnosis. It broke my heart bc we didn't know what the problem was. I learned about my HF autism 3 months after she left. I am now 52 & struggling with the whole middle-aged menopausal thing & find it challenging to say the least.

Work on your relationship while you have it & learn everything you can about autism/Asperger's. Make sure she understands what it is & all that it entails, such as stimming, meltdowns, etc.

If you haven't read this yet, do so. Yes, a guy wrote it but it's all we got - it's about saving a marriage (NT & Aspie male). It's called The Journal of Best Practices by David Finch. It's a good book & your partner may want to read it, too.

Knowing you're an Aspie will help you understand things, but it is hard coming to it at 50. Trust me. I know. I spent a whole year mad at my therapists who never got it. But once you get beyond the shock of it, it does help you. You can forgive yourself more & understand why you do things differently. It can be an Ah-Ha moment for both you & your partner.

Thank you so much for sharing your insights!!! Very helpful to hear of your experiences--which seem so parallel to my own. My heart aches as well for the years of pain my partner and I have experienced misinterpreting what's really been going on--and all the scar tissue that leaves. I'll be sure to read Finch's book. I'm grateful also to have a good therapist now (finally!) who understands AS/NT dynamics. Definitely lots for both of us to learn.

 

[annominous]

I'm sorry you went through that, JDartistic. I was with a woman for 5.5 years and we fell apart due to her mental health struggles and what I now know were my autistic struggles at the time. I am also going through some perimenopause symptoms now, and I am absolutely sure they are exacerbating some of my not-so-great autistic traits like anxiety. It's a challenge coming to this in midlife, I totally relate to that. I guess it's because we have a LOT of years and experiences to reflect on in comparison to folks in their 20s. It's hard. I'm still struggling with a lot of it, mainly because a lot of the 'a-ha' moments involve the pain of being misunderstood.

 

[JDartistic]

I'm sorry you went through that, JDartistic. I was with a woman for 5.5 years and we fell apart due to her mental health struggles and what I now know were my autistic struggles at the time. I am also going through some perimenopause symptoms now, and I am absolutely sure they are exacerbating some of my not-so-great autistic traits like anxiety. It's a challenge coming to this in midlife, I totally relate to that. I guess it's because we have a LOT of years and experiences to reflect on in comparison to folks in their 20s. It's hard. I'm still struggling with a lot of it, mainly because a lot of the 'a-ha' moments involve the pain of being misunderstood.

Yes, since we're older, we have more regrets to process but once I accepted my autism, it was a bit easier to forgive myself, but now I've become isolated (by choice) bc when I look back, all of my problems were related to other people...but then I don't have anyone to talk to, so that's a double-edged sword. (Thus, this forum but not the same. Where I live, there are no adult Aspie groups. So, my only social contact these days is my psychiatrist, but that's stupid bc I spend more time 'performing' than being myself.)

The menopause stuff definitely exacerbates the autism but I got the hormones & that has helped. Before the pills, I was in a constant mental fog & spacey, (not to mention the night sweats, etc) but now I feel more myself. The hormones help me a lot. Re the other stuff, it is hard.

One good trait we all have, though, is research & a childlike optimism. I also learned to utilize my autism strengths (im in the gifted category but never knew bc it's so weird...'the juxtaposition of language as it relates to images.' When I asked my doc what that meant, he said 'you should be a poet.' So at age 50, I started writing poetry. Go figure! But then I also have a strength in 'pattern recognition' & 'futuristic thinking.' That has translated into stock trading. So far so good.

My point is that all of the newly diagnosed tend to concentrate on the negative side, but once you research your own strengths, you may soar with the new knowledge. Before, I was underemployed & never reached my potential but now that I know my high functioning side, I'm coming to my own & hope to explore my true gifts. so, there is hope! But the isolation & regret is the hard part.

 

[Greg]

Hello. I am also a gay woman who was diagnosed at 50. My wife of 7 years left me right before my diagnosis. It broke my heart bc we didn't know what the problem was. I learned about my HF autism 3 months after she left. I am now 52 & struggling with the whole middle-aged menopausal thing & find it challenging to say the least.

Work on your relationship while you have it & learn everything you can about autism/Asperger's. Make sure she understands what it is & all that it entails, such as stimming, meltdowns, etc.

If you haven't read this yet, do so. Yes, a guy wrote it but it's all we got - it's about saving a marriage (NT & Aspie male). It's called The Journal of Best Practices by David Finch. It's a good book & your partner may want to read it, too.

Knowing you're an Aspie will help you understand things, but it is hard coming to it at 50. Trust me. I know. I spent a whole year mad at my therapists who never got it. But once you get beyond the shock of it, it does help you. You can forgive yourself more & understand why you do things differently. It can be an Ah-Ha moment for both you & your partner.

I just finished reading this book and was awesome. I could totally identify with him.

 

[annominous]

I must be putting myself across improperly here as there have been a number of commenters with didactic advice for 'the newly diagnosed'. I have just been formally diagnosed. My son was diagnosed with he was seven, he is now twelve, and I have learned a great deal about autism, autistics, and neurodiversity in that time. I guess I'm not able to communicate my experiences about how my formal diagnosis has affected me or made me reconsider many things in life without sounding negative here. That's not my intention at all, so I will refrain from discussing that until I figure out how to.

 

[Tia Maria]

I am a gay woman in a 9 year relationship with a NT partner; the relationship is troubled due in part to my aspergers. So many books on AS/NT relationship issues are grounded in assumptions that the AS person is male and NT female--so those descriptions are only partially helpful. .

You're in a 9 year relationship ... just wondering, has your relationship been troubled from the start? Or have things gotten worse in the past few years? Have your "symptoms" - whatever they are - gotten worse in the past few years?

I ask because MANY women experience volatile peri-menopause symptoms. They start a few years before a woman enters menopause - the age varies - & last 1-3 years. It's wicked hormonal imbalance that can make an NT woman feel she has gone crazy. It is also extremely common, although not every single woman may experience it.

You do not mention your partner's age, but you are 50. It is something to consider & discuss with your partner if there is a chance this is playing any part in your current difficulties. Maybe it's completely inapplicable, or maybe it's adding more 'fuel to the fire', so to speak.

As for your diagnosis, as others here have already listed, there are excellent resources like Tony Atwood's book & "22 Things a Woman with Aspergers Wants her Partner to Know" for your NT partner to read, & "The Journal of Best Practices" by David Finch (as recommended by JDartistic above) for you, although it's M/F, it still looks helpful.

Anyway, I wish you & your partner the very best, & hope you are able to work through all this together.

 

[Tia Maria]

I am just reading through more of the other replies here & see that I missed that the dreaded menopausal issues have already been mentioned! I hadn't seen that. Anyway, I found peri-menopause to be tortuous & do not know how my husband tolerated me. He is an easy going, wonderful guy which surely helped. He is extremely well balanced & emotionally healthy which always helps. (I count my blessings for him every day.) And our house has the space for us to be together but alone, lol.

TWO pre-menopausal women living together, add Aspergers, add undiagnosed Aspergers ... would be tough for anyone. Now add a small or restricted living space. All this would be very hard on any relationship.

But finding out what the issues are, whatever they are, I think would be a step in the right direction.

Nine years is a lot of time to have spent loving someone.

 

[JKG]

Wise advice. Thank you. Yes, there are two perimenopausal women in my home, and some other external stresses in addition to the fact that I'm AS and my partner is way far down the NT side of the spectrum. So untangling the various issues is definitely among the challenges. (I'm sure the perimenopause reduces our patience with one another. On the flip side, we're totally sympathetic to what one another is going through hormonally.) It just seems that most of the grievances (and perhaps unmet needs) my partner mentions most of the time involve AS-related things. Thus, the books you all have suggested sound most helpful and appropriate. I've got the Amazon order already in. ;-)

 

[Tia Maria]

Thanks JKG. Sounds like you gals are on the right path. This looks like another good resource,

Love, Sex and Long-Term Relationships: What People with Asperger Syndrome Really Really Want | AspiesCentral.com

And another,