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New to this, looking for advice

Hypnalis

Well-Known Member
At the risk of being criticized for "brutal honesty" outside the NT social norms, I'm going to give you a partial direct response based on a Aspie-style analysis of your words (the whole thread, not just your latest post).

I don't think you see the underlying issues and tensions of your relationship accurately yet.
I doubt what he learns from his counsellor will help you with that. I believe you have some essential work ahead that only you can do.

It's laudable that you can articulate your issues from your perspective, but this is just the "start of the beginning".
You need to see his problems too, and you'll probably have to do more than half the work on that

It would be desirable if he could do 50% of this, but that inability is a true and accurate reflection of the underlying issues. I think it's very likely he is not currently capable of doing "his half".

Note that the text above is just a complement to the penultimate paragraph in my previous post.

Identifying problems is a useful (in this case, necessary) tool for identifying achievable tactical objectives. But it's not a sufficient tool.

By the way, the last paragraph in my post above is a reminder that you shouldn't over-do the initial conversion of information to a set of near-term activities.
You're breaking a new path and there are large trees blocking the view. Step one is equivalent to figuring out which way is north, and making sure you have fresh water :)

This bit sometimes bounces off people, and sometime people bounce off it, but it's essential, Fortunately it's brief:

You and your husband have been together quite a long time. At no point have you had a really good mutual understanding. You (mostly) know this of course, but it's not clear that you've integrated it into your analysis process yet.

To complicate things a little more: (a) the nature of the imperfect understanding isn't symmetrical - it's different for both of you, and (b) the two of you will each need to learn and do different things to improve your communication and understanding.

On the plus side it's definitely possible. In particular, It's not that big a step for you to starting making a realistic plan. Some steps are hard to take though.
 

KateJones

New Member
Apologies for silence. Have been trying to take things on board and work out what it means to me, for our relationship and what may come in the future. It’s a tough time!
 

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