She is my best friend, actually. We've known each other for a couple years, dated for 1 year. She actually divorced her husband last year so that we could be together. It's a beautiful story, really. She suffers from PTSD and what I personally believe is intermittent explosive disorder, but she can't afford insurance, so she can't be seen to find out.
We've always had "problems" but they were always from miscommunications between us. After my diagnosis, it was WAY easier with WAY less arguing because, according to her, she is "better able to understand me".
And by mimicking, I mean I'm the one doing it. Until the diagnosis, I never realized I really didn't have any true emotions. I have no empathy, my laughs aren't real, I noticed I don't smile or have hardly any facial changes at all in 99% of pictures, I just feel so... hollow.
Due to my back issues, this is my first job I'm working in a few years. I've been here a few months. Everyone's small talks with me, but I either don't know what to say at all when people talk to me, or I just kind of make things up to fit in.
As for being alone, I laid in bed seven days a week when I was alone. It was bad, to say the least.
It sounds like you have emotions to me, but just have a little difficulty processing and showing your feelings. I mean, in your original post you were blaming yourself for it not working out with your husband, and then another post you said you were upset when your girlfriend read your diary, but in another message suggesting you were happy in general with your girlfriend.
First of all, with regards to your husband, most of us do the best we can do at the time. People learn more through time about themselves, and others, and grow. Coulples sometimes work things then out in their relationships, and grow together, but sometimes change is needed if things are becoming too unbearable and one learned it is not the right fit. Try not to blame yourself for moving on from your husband.
With regards to your girlfriend, nothing you have said so far looks not able to be dealt with positively. Yes, looking at your diary was wrong, so hopefully she knows now not to do that again. Tell her you need a place to write where you have total privacy like that, as it helps bring out your thoughts and feelings better. Maybe say, 'The more you yourself can be trusted, the more this helps, too, so thanks for understanding your privacy need. It will really help your situation.'
It does look like you get more depressed being alone, so it is good your girlfriend is trying to understand you, and likewise, I hope she gets a diagnosis and any therapy or treatment help so you can understand her. Then you can work things out with each other, and understand each other better. Maybe even have joint counseling if this will help. In the meantime, I hope both try not to get too upset at each other and focus on the good things about each other.
if it is any consolation, growing up I had very limited facial expressions, as a way to hide my feelings from others, as growing up we were not allowed to show happiness or anger, as at any time a fight could break out if we showed that. But, this did not mean I could not find joys, and not get upset. In time, after being in an environment that was healthier, and after self-help things, I learned to express a bit more, and not just through writing, and have more of those feelings deep within go to the surface.
It is ok to sometimes show and feel worry, and sometimes that is needed for dangerous situations, but see if finding ways to worry less about smaller things, and try to think more positively when you are in despair, or shift your mind to something else more calming, see if this can cause you to think more clearly and maybe you can then process emotions better, and then show things more appropriately. It is hard to know for sure, as there are so many conditions and personalities where people hide their expressions and feelings, or mask them. I would not assume though that such change cannot happen,nuntil you tried various things.
But, I could balance those words with, is that way to express and feel just you, and if you are truly happy being that way, then learn to accept that and love that. If you love yourself more, then more will love you. But, it sounds like you want some help and change, too, and so I hope lots here with Aspergers Syndrome and other conditions can relate, too. But, I relate as I have had severe Social Anxiety Disorder growing up, several Aspergers traits, tons of vomiting episodes in my late teens and early twenties, because of severe phobia and anxiety, some OCD tendencies when young especially, and milder depression much of my earlier life. Despite that, I am doing very well, now, and am very happy and functional. So, things can really get better for you
