Needing Relationship Advice

[Tesla]

Hi everyone, this is my first post here.

I am hoping to get some advice regarding relationships from anyone who is willing to offer it.

I have recently had my girlfriend of two years break up with me. Her reasons being that I don't treat her well and that she no longer wants to be in a relationship with me, but wants us to remain friends.
I can honestly see what she means, and I want to change myself so that she can see what an effort I am making, I have gone back to see my doctor and councillor and am trying my best to learn how to be a better boyfriend/person, I don't want to use having aspergers as an excuse.

I try my best to treat her well, however I am very poor at communicating and understanding the things that most people are able to pick up on quite easily. I love her very much but I seem unable to show it, which is what she needs most, to feel appreciated.
If I am happy, I am content to do nothing, I don't get a sudden urge to buy flowers on the way home from work or something, to me flowers are a waste of money, all they do is die.
However if I am unhappy, that's when I seem to be able to show emotion, this wouldn't be such a bad thing if it weren't for the complete lack of positive emotion.
In the past, if something bothered me, I would just keep it to myself as I generally offend people if I raise any concern I may have with a situation. However this is not a very good strategy as it builds my stress levels and I end up being unhappy for a lengthy period or worse, have a meltdown where every problem I have ever wanted to tell her about comes out all at once.
After one of these meltdowns, she told me that she wants me to tell her as soon as I have a problem with something and not to bottle it up.
So I have been doing that, however as I said above, I lack the skills to bring up these problems or concerns without offending or upsetting her. It could be something as simple as using the wrong cleaning product on the benchtop or something more complex like trying to discuss a concern about the behaviour of her 7 year old son (from a previous relationship).

We were at the stage in our relationship where we were about to move in together, I own a house and she has a son who would be moving in too. This upcoming change was causing a huge amount of stress on me as I am not fond of change and I was quite scared about what would happen and what it would be like and it wasn't a commitment I could just undo if I was unhappy. So I kept putting it off or thinking of excuses or putting the blame on her or her son (saying that he wasn't well behaved enough).
I also have a few other things on my plate causing me stress at the moment so that only exacerbates the problem.

Basically I just want some tips on how to communicate and understand the emotions she feels (without her having to blatantly explain it to me) so that I can treat her how she wants to be treated. Also some ways that I can show how much I love and appreciate her. I tell her I love her but that is only words. She isn't someone who wants numerous presents or anything like that, I know what she wants (me to show affection and appreciation) but I don't know how to give her that.
She wants me to be upfront about things, but when I try, I sound like I am constantly picking at her about every little detail.
I also want to be able to tell when she needs cheering up or maybe needs some space or if she is upset at me, basically understanding the right time for the right actions from myself, and what those actions should be.
I want to be not bothered by the little things her son does that irritate me, he's not perfect, and no child is, but I have this preconceived idea in my head of how a child is supposed to behave (the same way I behaved as I had very strict parents) and when he talks back to her or wont do as he is told it really gets to me and for some reason I sit around biting my tongue or I will offer a suggestion but I guess when I do I may sound patronising or critical of her parenting ability (I am not at all, she does a fantastic job) but it just sounds that way.

So if anyone is still reading (I have babbled on for quite a bit), Thankyou for your time and I look forward to hearing from anyone who could help.

Much Love

 

[Ereth]

Welcome, Tesla.

First of all, going to your doctor is a good start. Had you stopped making regular appointments for some reason? If so, I wouldn't recommend continuing that trend, especially considering the effect almost moving in with your ex had on you. A support network will probably help you adapt to these kinds of life changes. You will also be able to learn more about the social nuances you don't currently understand and eventually put them into practice.

Secondly, instead of telling your ex---or anyone else---about every little thing on your mind, try writing down as much as you can. That way, you'll be able to "vent" without rubbing people the wrong way. If there's something hugely important to say to a person, of course, then you should say it to him or her directly.

Thirdly, whenever something about her son comes up that bothers you, keep comments about his behavior to a minimum unless your opinions are requested. You are not his father, and though I think your position in his life prior to the breakup could have been that of a father figure (which would mean you'd have had some degree of authority), that is no longer the case.

One more question: are you hoping to get back together with your ex at some point down the road? It may be wise not to pressure yourself, or her, with such expectations. You don't sound as if you're over her, but you should be careful not to overstep boundaries.

I do not believe you'd be using Asperger's as an excuse if you mentioned your difficulties to her. From what I can tell, you're not blaming everything on your AS. It just complicated some fairly typical communication problems between the two of you.

Best wishes.

 

[Tesla]

Thanks so much for your reply Ereth!

I had stopped seeing my doctor (psychiatrist) as he was comfortable with letting me self manage my medication and I had stopped seeing my councillor (psychologist) because we both felt that I had gotten on top of all the problems that I had been having, I guess my girlfriend and I were still in the 'honeymoon' period of a new relationship so things were going great, and things just slowly built up without me noticing. I agree that may not have been the best idea.

I really like the idea about writing things down and venting that way, I think that will help me a lot.

In regards to her son I totally agree, I'm not his father, nor will I ever be. I was just trying to have my opinion heard as he would be living in my house I think I should have some say in the rules.

And yes I am hoping to get back together with her, I don't really have any family and I find it hard to make new friends, and I barely have any friends at all so I don't want to have to go back out into the world and start dating again. She has not ruled out the possibility of us getting back together, I have told her I will try my best to sort out my problems and become a better more understanding person and then I will let her know and it will be up to her if she will give it another go.

Thanks so much for your advice.

 

[neurotypical1]

I dont have any concrete advice to give but i want to acknowledge your effort for trying and care. You sound like a good man and with a little patience and careful observation you will be able to provide her with the emotional needs she seeks. Dont forget to keep up the good communication and keep yourself a space you need to unwind in the new environment.

 

[Patience]

I think you're doing a great job to even want to try and make it work and meet her needs.
My advice would be for her to tell you exactly how she wants to be treated. Just spell it out- if that means flowers and special dates, okay. If it means just hanging out together watching a movie, fine. Every girl is different- what makes one feel happy is not what makes another one happy. The more she can spell it out for you I think that will help.

in addition- I have found that writing something down really helps. If you have a need you can't seem to bring up, or she does, I think it would be cool to have a "comment box" that you guys could use to drop a note in. That might make it easier to take the emotional temperature of the relationship without the verbal/cues confusion.

If my AS boyfriend ever joins me in our relationship again- I'm going to try this technique. So often I didn't know what he needed or wanted. Then I missed the mark, he had a meltdown. I know he couldn't understand why I would get upset when he did certain things. We didn't discuss it well either, that seemed to be a roadblock. I bet writing it down as it happens might help get to know each other a bit better.