Need Some Help

[kimber1220]

Hi, I have been in a relationship with a man for almost 2 years. He treats me better than any man has ever treated me. However, he is definitely odd. Not my wording, but his. To me he is just different. He is 28 and is a plumber. He is so intelligent that its almost off the charts. But his speech is monotone. He is calm and patient to the point where I want to scream. He wakes up in a great mood everday. He likes working with his hands and building projects. Is beyond nice. and willing to help anyone, anytime. I absolutely love him. However, He doesnt really like to be touched unless we are in bed. He is not really affectionate as in more than rub my back a little. He flips out if lay backwards on a bed to talk to him. Because you have to lay where the pillows are, and you cant change the pillows to the other side because thats not right. He is basically emotionless all the time. He gets lost in his own world alot and is anti social. Its hard to get to know him. But now that I do know him, I know that I love him. Is there any nice easy way to approach this subject with him to see if he has been diagnosed or is willing to look into it?

 

[yosomono]

Do you watch "The Big Bang Theory"? That could be a possible conversation starter. My wife referred to me has "her Sheldon Cooper" for years, and I was only diagnosed a couple months ago.

Sounds like he's very lucky to have someone with your level of patience and understanding. Good on ya.

 

[nowwhat]

Hi, I have been in a relationship with a man for almost 2 years. He treats me better than any man has ever treated me. However, he is definitely odd. Not my wording, but his. To me he is just different. He is 28 and is a plumber. He is so intelligent that its almost off the charts. But his speech is monotone. He is calm and patient to the point where I want to scream. He wakes up in a great mood everday. He likes working with his hands and building projects. Is beyond nice. and willing to help anyone, anytime. I absolutely love him. However, He doesnt really like to be touched unless we are in bed. He is not really affectionate as in more than rub my back a little. He flips out if lay backwards on a bed to talk to him. Because you have to lay where the pillows are, and you cant change the pillows to the other side because thats not right. He is basically emotionless all the time. He gets lost in his own world alot and is anti social. Its hard to get to know him. But now that I do know him, I know that I love him. Is there any nice easy way to approach this subject with him to see if he has been diagnosed or is willing to look into it?

1. Focus on the positive and be grateful for it every day.

2. Whether it is Asperger's or something else, you already do know him. Accept, or move on. Your search for something more, is probably spurred by your imagination and past expectations. If he is not social, and you are, it is just your social needs focusing on someone who does not have, and cannot meet such.

3. There is much more to him beneath the surface, but probably he does not need to, and is unable to express it. That's just how some people are.

4. Over time, the things that bother you about him will bother you more and more. That's just how these things work. Count the cost now. If you don't want what you have in 5, 10, 40 years, face that fact. Change is very unlikely, and any efforts by you to change him are both fruitless and unkind.

 

[Katherine Rawstron]

You could try to broach the subject in general terms; you've been reading an interesting article on autism, or you have a friend/relative who is, or you think is autistic etc. Mention some of the symptoms, and see if anything clicks in his mind, and take it from there. He might not say anything at the time, but may get back to you later.

 

[wight]

So he's a great guy except for these little things like don't lay on the bed the wrong way? Some of the things you mention may not be small though. Like if you need more physical affection than he gives you. (I use that one because it was one of the causes of a prior divorce for me) Why not address these things specifically?

"honey, I love you and you are a great guy. You are not very physically affectionate and I was wondering if you can or would try to be more for me because I need it. Like holding my hand, or hugging me, or..."

So that he knows you need more of something he isn't giving you in the the relationship.

 

[Judge]

This reminds me of a puzzling dynamic of another television show- "Doc Martin".

Sometimes I don't know how Louisa Glasson tolerates Martin. Let alone what she sees in him.

Yet here's the weird part. I'm somewhat like kimber1220's plumber. Just not Doc Martin...lol. Not so mausing for me though is that sometimes projecting emotion and especially romance is just plain difficult. Sex is easy. Romance....that's complicated.

Even weirder thinking how many years I went through life never even giving such social dynamics any thought at all.