My road in life might be close to a dead end

[jtab7800]

I think it's good that you're trying to understand her even when she doesn't have the maturity to understand you.

Yes, her trauma may be causing her to behave differently than one might otherwise anticipate. When people are in a bad state they may not be capable of empathy because they're overloaded with other things.

She may never be able to reciprocate emotional support.

In my last post, I made a huge mistake in forgetting to complete a sentence, leaving a comma at the end of it. I meant to say that I got up this morning having an anxiety attack, and I didn't think I'd be able to have my guitar teacher over here today, and when I started feeling a little better and told him that he could come over, Mom had an angry reaction to that. She had to fill out her payroll documents so she can get paid, and she thought that hearing the voices of my guitar teacher and I would keep her from concentrating on it, so I felt like she thought that she had to try to make my anxiety attack worse. I'm sorry about that mistake.

I've always tried to understand Mom, because being understanding is what I'd rather be. When I was in my 20s, I had realized that I was acting like my mother in some ways, and I wanted to change that part of me, so I started trying to be more understanding of people. I wonder if the compassion that I've shown people before was instilled in me by what I've been through?

I feel like Mom shows more compassion toward other people than she does toward me, and I feel like she listens to other people better than she listens to me. This is probably going to sound crazy, but I used to wonder if Mom acts like I'm ranked too low in our household to be listened to the way she listens to others. Bear in mind that some of the wording in that thought might be influence by the fact that my Dad, who passed away in 2009 at age 60, was in the Army before I was born, and he served in the Vietnam War, where he got exposed to Agent Orange, an herbicide that contained one of the most dangerous chemicals in the world. I wish I could hug him just one more time. Just one more time.

And we have a lot to worry about this week. This Thursday is when one of our little Yorkies has to undergo surgery for a large tumor in his abdomen, and I'm worried, along with worrying about other things that are happening. I just hope he gets through this. He's not old -- he's only 6 years old.

I've lost so many loved ones in my life, and I feel like I'll never be allowed to gain the kind of loved one that I would love to have most in this world -- someone to spend the rest of my life with. It's like my life is made up of subtraction only, and absolutely no addition.

My mother keeps telling me that she's too old to help me much anymore. And I have to agree that there are too many times when she does show immaturity, and she makes herself look like she's unable to understand me, instead getting, at the very least, what she calls "aggravated," which, to me, has always sounded similar to being annoyed. Sometimes, it's a full-blown explosion from her.

2025 was a horrible year for me, and the 2020s have been the worst decade of my life so far. I'm afraid to hope that 2026 will be any better.

 

[Poppy98]

I'm afraid to hope that 2026 will be any better.

That's a possibility, but if there's a chance, do you want to miss that?


Are you in a position in life where you feel like you could start taking steps toward your goals right now, or do you feel like you need more time to process? Do you have a backup plan for at what point you'll change plans if you still don't feel ready?

 

[dadko20]

I Feel exactly as you do. Infact today i was suffering but then realized that one day all worldly sufferings will come to an end . That brought huge relief (not suicidal nor depressed btw)

 

[jtab7800]

That's a possibility, but if there's a chance, do you want to miss that?


Are you in a position in life where you feel like you could start taking steps toward your goals right now, or do you feel like you need more time to process? Do you have a backup plan for at what point you'll change plans if you still don't feel ready?

I don't know if anyone will see this, but I was right. 2026 will not be any better. Only worse. Do you remember me mentioning our Yorkie, Maxx, who has a large tumor in his abdomen? We took him in for surgery today, and before the surgery, the vet did some more tests, and told us that it's cancer that has spread all over his body, and she decided not to do the surgery. She told us that Maxx has no chance of surviving the cancer, so it's not a happy new year. We don't know how long he has left.

We had a horrible 2025, and 2026 will be even worse. Now does anyone think there is any reason why I should live on this Earth anymore? There is nothing but loss on this earth, and no path to happiness. This world has been too cold to help me get out of this misery, and now the misery is set to increase.

There is no hope for anything anymore. If God does exist, then it seems that the only thing God ever does is take, and never give. The only thing that ever happens to my mother, and my brother and I, is that we keep getting kicked while we're down, and it's too relentless to ever end. Nothing good will ever happen to me, or my family. It's time for me to realize that there's no hope of anything, not even me finally having any semblance of a life without loneliness.

No one wants to help me in a way that would bear any results. I am never asking anyone to do anything for me -- just a little helping hand to someone who wants to experience some good things in life while he's still alive. But my mother acts like I'm supposed to just sit by and wait for what I hope for in life to just magically fall onto my lap, and I've tried to get through to her that it doesn't work that way. I give up on everything, and that seems to be what this world wants. There's too much coldness in this world for me to bear anymore. I've lost trust in the world, and there's no regaining any of it until people straighten up and start treating each other better, but it seems that too many people, especially in the U.S., don't want that.

I dare any of you to tell me that I have a reason to stay on this Earth when I know that it'll continue to be nothing but misery that relentlessly keeps escalating, with no hope of things ever getting better. I feel like my family and I have been singled out for a life of nothing but misery, with zero relief from it. How can anyone bear a life that has nothing but misery in it, and will never have anything else in it?

 

[Poppy98]

I'm sorry hear about your dog. You've just had an awful shock.


When something very bad happens in my life, I've made the rule that I don't make any big decisions for a little while until things have settled down. Then I have a broader perspective than what just happened. Sometimes my decisions change. Sometimes they don't, but waiting can help sort out the shock from the rest of it.


I hope things get better despite the history.

 

[FayetheADHDsquirrel]

I'm sorry to hear about your dog as well. You are going through a lot of grief and heartache right now which is understandable because you love your dog. Please just hang in there and don't do anything rash.