II. ]
this second part is about understanding. of course, this isn't easy since I do not know your mother nor you well. therefore, the following is an assumption and no more. I do not wish to overstep any boundaries nor appear insensitive or offensive. in terms of evaluation: I am not a professional counselor - I am an architect by profession [still, because of my autistic impairments, I do not do well in the job market. so I am really poor myself. I live in one room large enough for a bed and desk, a stove and a tiny bathroom - so I know being poor =)]
However my hobby [or a matter of survival] is gaining knowledge, [since I don't have money to spend haha=D] and I guess I do know my way around well in many many subjects - such as philosophy, psychology, psychiatry, neurology, anthropology, computer science, engineering, physics, logic, literature, arts, design, film, poetry, history, language, acting, music, matters of politics and society... I have suffered severe trauma by being a undiagnosed autistic, and I nearly took my own life because of it. therefore, today [still with PTSD and poor] I do care very much about that the autistic and the neurotypical understand each other - and do not repeat the harm that has been done to me.
insofar: my analysis. the functioning of the psyche is logic. always [but: first try]. no offense meant. please be honest and say so if I overstep boundaries. also: I might be wrong. I have very little information about the situation.
now, I think your mother loves you very much [I hope you do, too!=)] and she needs you and she relies on you, I am quite sure. please take care of her! and you do, that is why you do so much work around the house - but maybe she can't quite express her love. I cannot say from what I know how it is, how it appears to you or to her. maybe there is something on her mind that is such a great weight pressing down her feelings - like depression. parent is parent, but human, too. like you. she has fears, feelings, needs, hopes, angers and sorrows. I am sure, your mother has suffered emotionally - like you - from having to raise you alone, as I understand it. abadoned by her husband apparently, left alone with a small child - poor. well. that is what I call hardship. despite her attitude towards you, I am sure she loves you - and I am at the same time sorry for her. it is not an excuse, though - it is understanding. now, everybody becomes a different kind of person when depressed, sad or exhausted or when enduring hardship. more so, if this is the status quo for many years.
you know that because you experienced it firsthand from childhood on... and I know too, since my parents have their own share of problems/disorders from their childhood after the 2. world war. [in Germany], and despite the money my growing up was very harmful to me.
now, there has to be a reason why she cannot accept you. more so: she violently denies any hint at the topic of autism. why is this?
> because she believes that autism is caused by failure of the mother to care for the infant - by being a refrigerator mother - which means that she believes she herself has crippled you by emotional abuse; by not being a good enough mother, which - if it were so - causes severe attachment trauma and severe personality disorders and life-lasting brain-damage. like my dad experienced. it is brutal. If she believes in this image of autism, it does not surprise me how she reacts. accusation of brutally harming your child, on top of all the hardship. in some countries this form of neglect is serious crime.
yet, in the 50s, 60s, 70s, yes well into the 80s this was how autism was explained: as attachment trauma caused by cruely neglecting mothers. real attachment trauma is a very, very serious neglect with extreme impact on the health of the neglected child. symptoms in early adulthood - your age - are suicide/suicidal thoughts, schizophrenia or psychosis, paranoia, emotional instability, severe pathological narcissism, life long depression, empathy-deficit, attention-deficit, incapability of love, cognitive malfunctiong etc.
yet: autism and attachment trauma look very much the same. many people think it is same, even today. many also think that autism is psychopathy. untill the 80s autism/aspergers was also considered as childhood schizophrenia. in any case: autism is in many societies a term of very negative attribution.
even today autism is diagnosed as attachment trauma personality disorder: borderline, antisocial or psychopathic, psychotic, paranoid, schizoid, schizophrenic. > because: it has not yet reached broad society nor the professional psychological/psychiatric world that aspergers/autism exists just by itsself without being anybody's fault. nobody knows about it. nobody knows what autism is. it is myth and legend to modern society. one would not believe it, but the stigma on autism is even today a very negative prejudiced one. maybe your mother wants to protect you from being harmed by this stigma. that is why she says special instead of autistic. you see: she does accept you - but not the term you are labelled with.
I promise you, though, if you had attachment trauma instead of autism you should experience a crippling personality disorder by now - plus feelings of extreme shame, guilt, unworthyness, shame, self-hatred, depression, lack of interest and joy, severe axiety, deep mistrust into humans, aggression ... to name only a few.
the autistic child [being notbody's fault] was therefore wrongly depicted as severly disturbed, psychopathic and potentially dangerous. the mother was blamed and shamed by society for cruel soul-murder and would never be respected again by anybody. probably she's loose everything, including her beloved son - since the child would be taken away from here and placed into a home for the mentally ill and insane.
so, that is the time were your mother was raised, I suppose. the stigma of mentall illness in these times was so bad that you could not speak about it. it had to be hidden, no matter what. the word autism in those times was a you-know-what-word. the-word-that-must-be named. you did not mention it, ever. it meant exclusion, near to capital crime, public shaming, accusation of the mother of soul-murdering their sons, abandonement and hell.
as mother, the terror of finding your child autistic was near to unbearable. it had to be denied - it was matter so serious, that it easily explains your mother's attitude. in fact autism destroyed people due to the hatred that especially the mother received, the child too - while the child did not receive any help, but was regarded as disabled forever. autistics did not have any chance at all to life a good life. again, if this is the believe of your mother than it is no surprise the she thinks it is an insult, a threat to you and her. thus she denies it violently. simple. also, maybe she fears to loose you. or that you will find out this [wrong] neglect-cause for autism and that you will hate her. maybe she loves you so much that this word, in her perception, is dangerous because from her view it could destory everything - maybe she does know better. maybe she has friends who all believe in this prejudiced the neglect-cause - what would happen, if you everyone knew? what would people think of you and your mother?
I cannot answer that, but I tell you that Germany is very modern tolerant society; multicultural, gaylesbian,multireligous - but autism is a dangerous minefield. it is a blank spot the the consciousness of society.
now, I imagine you would like to be happy - you do wish that she loved and accepted you the way you are. yet, she doesn't and possibly this very depressing for you. I would be. I am in fact - similar situation. maybe, like me, in your heart you would like her to be happy, too.. maybe could be happy together and that all would be fine. this is not the case and that's a problem. this insight I have provided is a very typical situation. if this view on the topic is true for your mother - I might be totally wrong, of course - then it is a terrible burden for her, and a harmful case of misunderstanding causing great pain on boths sides. it is somewhat as if taken from the texbook, actually. therefore, if this the case [you will find out carefully, in a loving, sensitive, non-accusing way] then now you have the insight to solve this conflict for both sides, and you would free your mother of this misunderstanding. but please think carefully about what you do and say.
