RiverSong
Spoilers
Hi, I’d like to get some input on whether y’all think I might have Aspergers. It’s really been on my mind since I’m about to finish college and enter the real world. Oh joy. 
I haven’t been professionally diagnosed since there are no resources available for a diagnosis in my area. So, I’ve been reading and researching a lot of information online. I’ve also taken some online tests and I keep getting the same results that I should probably get an assessment or I likely have Aspergers. I know that none of this is a definite diagnosis though. And now I keep wondering if maybe the tests are right or if maybe I’m making this all up in my head. So, any feedback anyone is willing to share would be really appreciated and a great help in giving me some peace of mind.
Some of the reasons why I think I have Aspergers are from my lifelong struggles in interacting with people. I've always been a little odd when compared to other people. I’m not what others would call a people person. Since I was a child, my parents and relatives often called me antisocial because I liked to stay in my room alone all of the time. They said I was too quiet and needed to talk more.
I usually played alone as a child. As a girl, I loved playing with Legos and Hot Wheels and I liked taking electronics apart and putting them back together. I was fascinated with time travel as a kid and I loved the story The Time Machine. I used to build my own time machines, they never worked though, dang, and I even drew up the blue prints in crayon. I later became extremely interested in computers and desperately wanted to see if I could put a computer together but no adults would let me near a one outside of school.
My parents used to force me to go outside to play with the other neighborhood kids, which I hated doing. I would usually just go outside and sit by myself. When my little brother was born, I ended up playing with him mostly because he was there. We used to fight a lot over whatever kids fought over, toys and whatever, I guess. I was usually well behaved in school though. But I often didn’t get along with other kids. I was teased in school for different reasons. Whether it was for the way that I looked or dressed, I don’t know. But I never had friends for long periods of time. Elementary and middle school were not fun and high school was worse.
I spent much of my time in high school hiding out in the library or an open classroom or walking around the school halls during lunch to avoid everyone that was outside. I was teased a lot in high school. And I had no friends in my first two years at college. In my remaining two years, it hasn’t been any better. I’m currently in my last semester of college and have had no friends here for the last year. I kinda had some study group members that I knew but I had a falling out with one and the other moved out of town. The only friend I’ve had is my boyfriend who I met online. We’ve been friends online for about 7 years and have been dating for the last 4. We’re in a long distance relationship though and I only see him during my winter and summer breaks from college. So, yeah, there’s that.
It seems like I’m not at the level other people my age are typically at. I’m in my late twenties and yet I don’t know how to do things that people 10 years younger than me know how to do. I currently live on campus at my college even though I am way older than all of the other students in campus housing. I can’t relate to them due to the age difference, I think, but also because I don’t like or know about the things they do. Things like hanging out in groups or with friends and talking to people or gossiping about others, or going out with friends to eat or have drinks, or flirting, or partying or going clubbing, etc. I just go to work and come back to my room to be alone and study.
I mostly get good grades though. I can be hyper focused on a project or assignment. But I’ve always struggled in math and I still have a hard time with things like basic math. I’ve somehow managed to get through school with just passing grades in all of my math classes. Even though people say I’m smart, I usually have a hard time talking to people whether it’s in person or over the phone. And I often get weird looks when I speak to people, which bothers me sometimes.
It probably doesn’t help that I HATE small talk either. I tend to forget to ask people things beyond saying hello. So I usually don’t do small talk and more often, I’m finding, that people stop being nice to me after awhile because I just say hello to them and end it at that. This has become painfully apparent at my current job. I have worked off and on through mostly tempt jobs over the last few years and have never really fit in anywhere.
Not to mention that even though I’m an adult, I don’t look my age and probably don’t act it. I haven’t looked my age since I was in high school. Although, for a while I tried to wear makeup in hopes it would make me look a little older or more mature. I couldn’t stand the makeup. I can’t stand foundation on my face. It feels disgusting to me. So I wear no makeup now other than lip gloss and the occasional eye shadow if it’s a special occasion. I tried dressing more mature but I don’t have much fashion sense and found myself trying to copy the clothes I see women on tv wearing. But gave up since I don’t have the budget for that.
In any case, people often think I’m much younger than I am. I’ll be 30 pretty soon and no one believes me when I tell them my age. I recently had a professor on campus tell me she thought that I was 19… I honestly didn’t know whether to be flattered or insulted by that. My boyfriend’s family is shocked that I’m my age too. So I try my best to avoid the topic of age when I’m around people now.
I also have to avoid certain sensory things. Like I can't stand certain smells. I also can't stand anyone invading my personal space. I’ve been this way since I was a kid. I do not like to be touched or hugged even by relatives or people I've known for years. Other than physical contact, I’ve always been really clumsy. Like, I can’t ride a bike clumsy. I was never any good at any sports. I often fell during sports or while running or got hit in face with dodgeballs or basketballs. Yeah, I was that kid.
Not to mention that I've had trouble with things like eye contact, although, I’ve really worked at eye contact on my own over the years. When I was in middle school, a girl made fun of me in front of the whole class for what she said was the weird way I looked at people. The whole class laughed and I don’t know if that was a push I needed or not but I had never realized I looked at people differently. From that point on, I’ve tried working on eye contact with people.
I never knew about Aspergers or Autism when I was younger and neither did my family. So if I was looking at people oddly, I just thought this was something I needed to change. Something I wasn’t doing right and that I should fix. But here I am, years later, and I still have a hard time looking people in the eye when I’m talking. I can look at a person while they are talking but when I talk then I have to look away. I usually can’t look people in the eyes and talk at the same time. It makes me so uncomfortable that my usually mind goes blank. It’s just not a pleasant experience.
I’m sorry if I rambled on too long or if I wrote too much. I didn’t mean to get all ranty here but I figured I would tell a doctor these same things during the diagnosis process. I hope that this might shed some more light on if I might have Aspergers or I may not. So, what do you think?
I haven’t been professionally diagnosed since there are no resources available for a diagnosis in my area. So, I’ve been reading and researching a lot of information online. I’ve also taken some online tests and I keep getting the same results that I should probably get an assessment or I likely have Aspergers. I know that none of this is a definite diagnosis though. And now I keep wondering if maybe the tests are right or if maybe I’m making this all up in my head. So, any feedback anyone is willing to share would be really appreciated and a great help in giving me some peace of mind.
Some of the reasons why I think I have Aspergers are from my lifelong struggles in interacting with people. I've always been a little odd when compared to other people. I’m not what others would call a people person. Since I was a child, my parents and relatives often called me antisocial because I liked to stay in my room alone all of the time. They said I was too quiet and needed to talk more.
I usually played alone as a child. As a girl, I loved playing with Legos and Hot Wheels and I liked taking electronics apart and putting them back together. I was fascinated with time travel as a kid and I loved the story The Time Machine. I used to build my own time machines, they never worked though, dang, and I even drew up the blue prints in crayon. I later became extremely interested in computers and desperately wanted to see if I could put a computer together but no adults would let me near a one outside of school.
My parents used to force me to go outside to play with the other neighborhood kids, which I hated doing. I would usually just go outside and sit by myself. When my little brother was born, I ended up playing with him mostly because he was there. We used to fight a lot over whatever kids fought over, toys and whatever, I guess. I was usually well behaved in school though. But I often didn’t get along with other kids. I was teased in school for different reasons. Whether it was for the way that I looked or dressed, I don’t know. But I never had friends for long periods of time. Elementary and middle school were not fun and high school was worse.
I spent much of my time in high school hiding out in the library or an open classroom or walking around the school halls during lunch to avoid everyone that was outside. I was teased a lot in high school. And I had no friends in my first two years at college. In my remaining two years, it hasn’t been any better. I’m currently in my last semester of college and have had no friends here for the last year. I kinda had some study group members that I knew but I had a falling out with one and the other moved out of town. The only friend I’ve had is my boyfriend who I met online. We’ve been friends online for about 7 years and have been dating for the last 4. We’re in a long distance relationship though and I only see him during my winter and summer breaks from college. So, yeah, there’s that.
It seems like I’m not at the level other people my age are typically at. I’m in my late twenties and yet I don’t know how to do things that people 10 years younger than me know how to do. I currently live on campus at my college even though I am way older than all of the other students in campus housing. I can’t relate to them due to the age difference, I think, but also because I don’t like or know about the things they do. Things like hanging out in groups or with friends and talking to people or gossiping about others, or going out with friends to eat or have drinks, or flirting, or partying or going clubbing, etc. I just go to work and come back to my room to be alone and study.
I mostly get good grades though. I can be hyper focused on a project or assignment. But I’ve always struggled in math and I still have a hard time with things like basic math. I’ve somehow managed to get through school with just passing grades in all of my math classes. Even though people say I’m smart, I usually have a hard time talking to people whether it’s in person or over the phone. And I often get weird looks when I speak to people, which bothers me sometimes.
It probably doesn’t help that I HATE small talk either. I tend to forget to ask people things beyond saying hello. So I usually don’t do small talk and more often, I’m finding, that people stop being nice to me after awhile because I just say hello to them and end it at that. This has become painfully apparent at my current job. I have worked off and on through mostly tempt jobs over the last few years and have never really fit in anywhere.
Not to mention that even though I’m an adult, I don’t look my age and probably don’t act it. I haven’t looked my age since I was in high school. Although, for a while I tried to wear makeup in hopes it would make me look a little older or more mature. I couldn’t stand the makeup. I can’t stand foundation on my face. It feels disgusting to me. So I wear no makeup now other than lip gloss and the occasional eye shadow if it’s a special occasion. I tried dressing more mature but I don’t have much fashion sense and found myself trying to copy the clothes I see women on tv wearing. But gave up since I don’t have the budget for that.
In any case, people often think I’m much younger than I am. I’ll be 30 pretty soon and no one believes me when I tell them my age. I recently had a professor on campus tell me she thought that I was 19… I honestly didn’t know whether to be flattered or insulted by that. My boyfriend’s family is shocked that I’m my age too. So I try my best to avoid the topic of age when I’m around people now.
I also have to avoid certain sensory things. Like I can't stand certain smells. I also can't stand anyone invading my personal space. I’ve been this way since I was a kid. I do not like to be touched or hugged even by relatives or people I've known for years. Other than physical contact, I’ve always been really clumsy. Like, I can’t ride a bike clumsy. I was never any good at any sports. I often fell during sports or while running or got hit in face with dodgeballs or basketballs. Yeah, I was that kid.
Not to mention that I've had trouble with things like eye contact, although, I’ve really worked at eye contact on my own over the years. When I was in middle school, a girl made fun of me in front of the whole class for what she said was the weird way I looked at people. The whole class laughed and I don’t know if that was a push I needed or not but I had never realized I looked at people differently. From that point on, I’ve tried working on eye contact with people.
I never knew about Aspergers or Autism when I was younger and neither did my family. So if I was looking at people oddly, I just thought this was something I needed to change. Something I wasn’t doing right and that I should fix. But here I am, years later, and I still have a hard time looking people in the eye when I’m talking. I can look at a person while they are talking but when I talk then I have to look away. I usually can’t look people in the eyes and talk at the same time. It makes me so uncomfortable that my usually mind goes blank. It’s just not a pleasant experience.
I’m sorry if I rambled on too long or if I wrote too much. I didn’t mean to get all ranty here but I figured I would tell a doctor these same things during the diagnosis process. I hope that this might shed some more light on if I might have Aspergers or I may not. So, what do you think?
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