...more like a sense of disappointment and thinking that things could have been so much better, easier.
I've been married for 18+ years now to a so-called "NT"...but my opinion is that NO one is "normal". Everyone has issues. You and I have aspie traits. Our spouses have other problems. My DH also has rejection issues, though he hasn't even admitted that to himself yet.
Yes, things could have been "better" and "easier" if we had both been raised in extremely healthy homes with amazingly wise and insightful and patient parents who handled all of life's curveballs with grace and tenacity. But we didn't have that. So now what?
It's been tough. I'm not the wife my DH deserves. He's not everything I dreamed of. This isn't a sob story--he's an amazing guy who is extremely loyal and faces life with a dogged determination to make it through. But like I said, he does have his issues, many of which he won't even admit to, or is only just now coming to realize.
Point is, I can't control him, and don't really want to. As the true depth of my issues has been revealed over the past year, there were times where most people would have walked out on me. But he didn't. There have been times during our marriage where his issues would have scared off most other women. But I stayed. First and foremost, we're committed to the relationship, even when it sucks.
So then what do we do? One thing I've tried to do over the past year is to not approach him with any demands that he work around my issues, other than what's absolutely necessary (we've had to go for long periods of abstinance while I work through some flashback issues). He has
chosen to work around some of my issues, but I've never demanded it or forced it. And there are times when he's too worn out to compensate for my problems or even to handle his own, so he doesn't. My job is to do my part as best I can, whether he's doing his part or not.
It sounds to me like you do have a good measure of respect and love for your wife, even if you're feeling neglected and taken advantage of right now. Is that right? If you were super-low functioning, it might be different. But it sounds like you're high-functioning enough to be able to tend to the demands of life even when the going gets tough. It might be easier if she was able to compensate more for your weaknesses, but it sounds like she has enough weaknesses that it's not possible for her to do that right now.
So I know it's hard. But sometimes you just gotta do what you gotta do. You love your kids and want what's best for them--that is obvious. Is it better for them to see their parents pull apart because neither is willing to account for the other's weaknesses? Or is it better for them to see their dad face into this life challenge and find a way to make this work, no matter what? Even if you fail, the fact that you courageously determined to do the right thing as far as you're able and then some, will speak volumes into their character as they're growing up, especially at this time in their lives when they're so closely involved with the situation themselves and have so much at stake.
Along with your respective issues going on, it sounds like there may also be some enmeshment and boundary issues that need to be dealt with. (I've faced this heavily in my own life with my family-of-origin.) My approach is not so much to demand that people around me make allowances for my problems...but instead to take ownership of the responsibility for my own growth.
That doesn't mean I keep putting on a show so others don't have to deal with the effects of my problems. In some ways, my problem behaviors have gotten worse. But I've been able to prioritize where I focus my efforts so my DH and my kids get the most benefit from the work I'm doing as soon as possible. My relationships with pretty much everyone else...my mom, sisters, other family, friends...have suffered in a lot of ways. But they're not my priority. First my DH. Then my kids. And all of that starts with understanding my needs better, understanding how to manage my energy better, understanding how to make choices that protect my highest priorities even if it costs me in other areas. There are times DH just doesn't get what he wants. And he's not happy about that. But I can't control his moods or emotions or opinions. I can, however, honestly and tenaciously work to become a
better wife, even if it's not yet "good enough." That doesn't guarantee that he'll stay. But his choice on staying or not...on being happy with this or not...on doing the right thing or not...is HIS choice. I don't have to carry that responsibility. And the more I've realized that the burden for his decisions doesn't belong on my shoulders, the more freedom and energy I've found for shouldering the responsibilities that ARE on my shoulders...namely, my own choices and behaviors.
It's tough being an aspie. It's tough being a child abuse survivor. It's tough being married, period. It's tough being a recovering codependent. It's tough to keep going and keep fighting when it seems like everyone around me just wants me to be *normal*.
But our kids are watching. They're going to face tough issues in life, too. How do we want them to handle it? What do we want them to learn from our struggles?
