Long-term relationship trouble

[RGDaniel]

Hi everyone,

I've been in a relationship with my NT girlfriend for 4 years now; around 3 years of it was long-distance and we'd visit eachother during university holidays, and for the past year we've been living together. Ever since Christmas she's been more distant and depressed; I was partially expecting this as she has recently became unemployed after losing her Christmas job (hence since Christmas), but when I tried to talk to her about it she said that she doesn't feel the same love for me anymore and while she doesn't want to break up she does what to have more space.

"Having more space" has been difficult since we're both in the same flat and she is hesitant about going back to her family home even for just a week or two. In the past she's had similar moods of anxiety about other subjects which turned out fine since she was just over-worrying about it; so at the moment I'm struggling to know if she's seriously considering breaking up with me or if she's just using me as the resident stress-soaker because of her other issues.

I never expected living together to carry the same romantic adventure as when we travelled to meet eachother, and indeed I've felt more tired (not necessarily of her, but generally living here) in the last few months too, but I know that it's natural for there to be less passion when people see eachother every day and I haven’t lost any love for her. It amazes me how distant and doubtful she's become in the last few weeks when before she was so positive and loving with me, indeed it was her who was worried about if I'd cheat/get bored of her when we were first moving into the flat.

I don't think this is just a case of her getting bored after getting to know 'the real me' as even during our long-distance relationship during our visits we'd sometimes spend solid months together with no sign of boredom.

What's more confusing is that she'd go in and out of moods- sometimes she'd be friendly and loving, and the next hour she doesn't want to look at me.

She also said that I "havn't been supporting", but I've often gone out of my way to help her practically and emotionally and once she even gave me a present for me being such as a supportive boyfriend. It really makes me wonder if my aspieness has made me miss something in the past few months, or if I just should have done more regardless of having AS, or if it's something her side like her depressed mood, hopefully just being a phase.

I'll see what Valentines is like as a measurement, but other than that I'm lost.

Thank you for any advice,
RG

 

[Greg]

I am sorry things are going like that for you. I know for me and my wife she was not aware of how I was until we got married and started living together. For her she used to think my impulsiveness was cute until she had to live with it every day. When you are living together things are going to be different. I guess if I had advice would be to just give her space and time and try to be supportive with her. Hopefully she won't want to breakup and end things.

 

[Judge]

Has to be frustrating given she claims to "want more space" yet also claims you aren't "supportive enough" of her. I can only surmise that some outside issue may be putting great stress on her to react in such a way. Perhaps at some point she will open up about it, or that it's something more basic that she doesn't want you to know.

The only other thing that comes to mind is that for whatever reason on her part, she's second-guessing your relationship altogether but isn't quite ready to bring it up. I'm just apt to think that her "mixed-messages" is a bad sign.

That she may have simply met someone else that's confusing her to behave in such a contradictory manner. Sorry to throw it out there, but to me it makes a certain degree of sense in the absence of something more complex.

 

[The Penguin]

I did had a long distance relationship with a person in Sweden for 8 years. We never got a chance to live together but we did seen each other 4 times. It seems during the 5th year of the relationship things was falling apart. There was some things she kept from me made it hard for me to understand her.

I also dating someone local and had her lived with me for 4 months. After 4 months things became hell. I wanted her to leave and it was hard to kick her out. It seems sometimes living together is when many people learn things are not going to work out.

Though I don't have any great advice for you, I wanted to write that I can relate to what your going through.

 

[JKG]

I've been going through relationship challenges with my NT partner of 9 years--and learning very (maybe too) late how important clear and frequent communication is. When members of a couple don't have that, each person is left guessing and that leads to each operating on assumptions and creating narratives in their heads that take on lives of their own--narratives which may or may not be based on fact. And as others have said, living together is a different animal than being in a relationship from a distance. There are more little daily things that come up and can build up--and if they aren't talked about in a candid and open and non-threatening way, those darn skewed narratives can start and then things can go really haywire. I speak from experience, because that's the situation I'm in. So if you can catch the problem early, and fix it, before lots of scar tissue builds up, do so. Distance is a warning sign. The longer it lasts the more permanent it can become. And distance is different than just taking some personal time. The latter is important in a healthy relationship. The former strains the relationship itself. My partner and I are now in counseling. And that helps. It's a place where a couple can learn the techniques of healthy and productive communication--as well as learn to bridge the differences between AS and NT styles. And it provides an objective vantage point from which to see the relationship freshly.

 

[royinpink]

Hi everyone,

I've been in a relationship with my NT girlfriend for 4 years now; around 3 years of it was long-distance and we'd visit eachother during university holidays, and for the past year we've been living together. Ever since Christmas she's been more distant and depressed; I was partially expecting this as she has recently became unemployed after losing her Christmas job (hence since Christmas), but when I tried to talk to her about it she said that she doesn't feel the same love for me anymore and while she doesn't want to break up she does what to have more space.

"Having more space" has been difficult since we're both in the same flat and she is hesitant about going back to her family home even for just a week or two. In the past she's had similar moods of anxiety about other subjects which turned out fine since she was just over-worrying about it; so at the moment I'm struggling to know if she's seriously considering breaking up with me or if she's just using me as the resident stress-soaker because of her other issues.

I never expected living together to carry the same romantic adventure as when we travelled to meet eachother, and indeed I've felt more tired (not necessarily of her, but generally living here) in the last few months too, but I know that it's natural for there to be less passion when people see eachother every day and I haven’t lost any love for her. It amazes me how distant and doubtful she's become in the last few weeks when before she was so positive and loving with me, indeed it was her who was worried about if I'd cheat/get bored of her when we were first moving into the flat.

I don't think this is just a case of her getting bored after getting to know 'the real me' as even during our long-distance relationship during our visits we'd sometimes spend solid months together with no sign of boredom.

What's more confusing is that she'd go in and out of moods- sometimes she'd be friendly and loving, and the next hour she doesn't want to look at me.

She also said that I "havn't been supporting", but I've often gone out of my way to help her practically and emotionally and once she even gave me a present for me being such as a supportive boyfriend. It really makes me wonder if my aspieness has made me miss something in the past few months, or if I just should have done more regardless of having AS, or if it's something her side like her depressed mood, hopefully just being a phase.

I'll see what Valentines is like as a measurement, but other than that I'm lost.

Thank you for any advice,
RG

Hm, this is a tough one. I think you've probably done the best you can analyzing it, and to be honest you probably have a better idea than we do, since you know her and we don't. The only thing I can say is unemployment does make people quite desperate and depressed, and that may be causing her to a) lose her sex drive and b) question/be critical of everything. She might not realize that's the cause, and I would encourage you two not to make major decisions about your relationship until you are both feeling more stable.

 

[Aspergirl4hire]

My husband and I talked a little this morning about what helps our marriage. I've realized that his under-reaction to my anxiety attacks actually prevents things from escalating.

With a mixed message such as "need more space" and "you haven't been supportive enough"--I don't know how seriously to take them when they're together. What does "being supportive" mean to her? And are those "supportive" behaviors things that you can either do naturally or create some scripts for based on her triggers? That's what I've learned to do. (I can't say it's advice, it's just what works for us.)

 

[Grumpy Cat]

This is just my honest opinion - when two people in a relationship decide to live together who aren't married, it changes everything. Studies show that people who have lived together have a higher divorce rate. The words she uses "needing more space" and "doesn't feel the same love" are clues that she's rethinking the relationship and the present living conditions. You say you have spent long times together before, but this is a "permanent" condition now and you mentioned that she "is hesitant to go back to her family's home" which leaves her locked in the present situation.
I don't know what kind of job she lost, but if it was a major job that defined her then I know all about that and it can cause a severe depression. It sounds like she needs more "support" than any one person can give (especially an Aspie) - such as family (which she doesn't have) and other friends. Does she have girl friends that she can talk to? I'd ask her what kind of support is she needing that would help. That's why I say she may need other "NT" people because when one is depressed or living a certain way they are not used to, you (NT women I speak of) want to talk to someone who has been in the same circumstances. That's where the empathy comes in that an Aspie may not be able to provide. (A lot of NT men are unable to do this, as well.) That's where girlfriends and Ma's come into the picture.

She may have a little bit of bipolar going on if her moods change so quick like that too.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

I added some things to my post above about what NT women need.

 

[RGDaniel]

Thanks to everyone for the help and advice.

I am sorry things are going like that for you. I know for me and my wife she was not aware of how I was until we got married and started living together. For her she used to think my impulsiveness was cute until she had to live with it every day. When you are living together things are going to be different. I guess if I had advice would be to just give her space and time and try to be supportive with her. Hopefully she won't want to breakup and end things.

Aye giving space is good as I don't want to come across as an over-controling boyfriend, but I'm wondering to myself where do things cross the line from "giving space" to "standing idle while she lets her depression implode our relationship". I don't think it's clinical depression, but it certainly matches the mood she gets in with me when she's anxious about something like a university essay, only that it's been going on for longer. She'd worry at me rather than discussing with me despite the subject having nothing to do with me. I don't blame her for that, as I know I can do it too sometimes (and I hope I'm not doing it to you guys now), wanting to endlessly vent worries rather than logically thinking things over as an adult. But it feels more serious now, since there's no end (for better or worse) in sight.

Has to be frustrating given she claims to "want more space" yet also claims you aren't "supportive enough" of her. I can only surmise that some outside issue may be putting great stress on her to react in such a way. Perhaps at some point she will open up about it, or that it's something more basic that she doesn't want you to know.

The only other thing that comes to mind is that for whatever reason on her part, she's second-guessing your relationship altogether but isn't quite ready to bring it up. I'm just apt to think that her "mixed-messages" is a bad sign.

That she may have simply met someone else that's confusing her to behave in such a contradictory manner. Sorry to throw it out there, but to me it makes a certain degree of sense in the absence of something more complex.

No need to apologise, as I know there's no use in ignoring things if they're there. I trust her alot not to be cheating on me as she doesn't seem like the kind of girl who would do that lightly, though it can still be hard not to have suspicions as I've had trust issues in previous relationships and she's less casual about how much I see of her convosations. But with that it feels like the chicken or the egg- is she secretive because I'm curious or am I curious because she's secretive?

I did had a long distance relationship with a person in Sweden for 8 years. We never got a chance to live together but we did seen each other 4 times. It seems during the 5th year of the relationship things was falling apart. There was some things she kept from me made it hard for me to understand her.

I also dating someone local and had her lived with me for 4 months. After 4 months things became hell. I wanted her to leave and it was hard to kick her out. It seems sometimes living together is when many people learn things are not going to work out.

Though I don't have any great advice for you, I wanted to write that I can relate to what your going through.

Thanks


I'd reply more though I've got work early tomorrow XD

 

[RGDaniel]

My husband and I talked a little this morning about what helps our marriage. I've realized that his under-reaction to my anxiety attacks actually prevents things from escalating.

With a mixed message such as "need more space" and "you haven't been supportive enough"--I don't know how seriously to take them when they're together. What does "being supportive" mean to her? And are those "supportive" behaviors things that you can either do naturally or create some scripts for based on her triggers? That's what I've learned to do. (I can't say it's advice, it's just what works for us.)

She was quite vague when I talked about it, which makes me think it's more a frame of mind. Sometimes she did give examples but as mentioned earlier they were cases of just venting her worries at me rather than actually having a dialogue.

This is just my honest opinion - when two people in a relationship decide to live together who aren't married, it changes everything. Studies show that people who have lived together have a higher divorce rate. The words she uses "needing more space" and "doesn't feel the same love" are clues that she's rethinking the relationship and the present living conditions. You say you have spent long times together before, but this is a "permanent" condition now and you mentioned that she "is hesitant to go back to her family's home" which leaves her locked in the present situation.
I don't know what kind of job she lost, but if it was a major job that defined her then I know all about that and it can cause a severe depression. It sounds like she needs more "support" than any one person can give (especially an Aspie) - such as family (which she doesn't have) and other friends. Does she have girl friends that she can talk to? I'd ask her what kind of support is she needing that would help. That's why I say she may need other "NT" people because when one is depressed or living a certain way they are not used to, you (NT women I speak of) want to talk to someone who has been in the same circumstances. That's where the empathy comes in that an Aspie may not be able to provide. (A lot of NT men are unable to do this, as well.) That's where girlfriends and Ma's come into the picture.

She may have a little bit of bipolar going on if her moods change so quick like that too.

She does have a girl friend that she's talked alot to and that has helped things, as well as recently staying over hers for a bit.


I don't think it's bipolar disorder, more that her situation is shaping her feelings and it can be hard to separate them from eachother. She enjoyed her job alot but it was also a temporary contract so it's not like the loss was a surprise. That's how I knew that she'd be sad after Christmas as she mentioned about not knowing what to do when that ends. At first she just mentioned going back to her family home but post-Christmas it just turned into being depressed in our flat.

On the bright side, she did write a charming Valentines letter.

 

[JDartistic]

Well, an obvious question is this - but I hate writing it, but...you said she lost her job so at first I thought, 'oh, she's just depressed!' But then you said she's distant & says you don't support her, but then she writes you a nice VD letter but still wants her space...

Um, do you think she may be using you?

If she lost her job, that's scary & can destroy confidence. Maybe that's it...or maybe she feels stuck bc she can't afford to leave... ???

 

[RGDaniel]

Well, an obvious question is this - but I hate writing it, but...you said she lost her job so at first I thought, 'oh, she's just depressed!' But then you said she's distant & says you don't support her, but then she writes you a nice VD letter but still wants her space...

Um, do you think she may be using you?

If she lost her job, that's scary & can destroy confidence. Maybe that's it...or maybe she feels stuck bc she can't afford to leave... ???

If anything staying here is costing her, which among other things is also why I don't think she's a 'user' at heart. She said that her main reason for not going back to her family is that she'd feel awkward like a failure to be doing nothing while her parents are working.

The VD letter wasn't just pretending that everything's ok, she talked about her problems (albiet not in much detail) yet also saying why she has hope for our future and apologising for how she's acted in the last few weeks.

 

[JDartistic]

Then that's good news, RG. I hope you guys can sort it out. Communication is key.

 

[RGDaniel]

Then that's good news, RG. I hope you guys can sort it out. Communication is key.

Thanks.

You mention communication, that VD letter was a rare moment of openness as normally she's too tired/depressed to have an honest talk about it. That's why I was glad to have a written letter rather than her just buying an 'I love you' card.