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Keeping Friends

Myway

Myway

They/Them Pronouns
V.I.P Member
Does anyone struggle to make and keep friends? I am finding it very difficult to make and keep friends. Any suggestions on how to make and keep friends? Any additional social skills required in keeping friends?
 
I don't make friends easily. I make acquaintances that think they are friends with my public façade mostly. I can count my real friends, that know the real me on one hand and, the ones that would sit with me through a meltdown, that's two of them is all.

One of those two I have known since high school, the other for almost ten years. I don't try to keep them beyond keeping in touch, even when we are in different countries. All three of us are in the entertainment business so, work often separates us and one does live in the UK, the other in the USA, like me but, in another state.

The thing is, I know I'm a pretty cool person, I also know I am not generally acceptable if I were to be my aspie self in public but, my real friends know the real me and, they like me even though I can be too honest, too gung ho about a topic, too detailed, etc... I've lost plenty of so called friends because I let my Aspie show but, you know what, it's their loss, not mine because, I really don't need people that can't accept differences in my inner circle. I need people that can be real with me and, that can let me be real with them. Those are good people and, if they aren't good people, they lost a good person (me) as a friend, I lost nothing but a jerk with expectations I didn't need anyway.
 
So having a lot of friends doesn't matter? I have been told that I need more friends my age, but I don't want friends my age, just people who will accept me for who I am. Is that what I should be aiming for?
 
I do not have many friends ether. The few that I do have are the result of some sort of common interest. Usually work or recreational activities. Like Beverly said, true friends are the best. But they are hard to come by and should be cherished if you have one. Always being the best friend that you can be will help.

You said that you were told that you need more friends your age. Do not worry about what others say to much, they do not know what is right for you. Only you know what is right for you and you will figure it out as you live your life.
 
Mywaysigning said:
Does anyone struggle to make and keep friends?
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Most of my adult life. But then I also accept how transient society is, so people coming and going is just part of life. Regardless of how hard or not one tries to make and/or keep their friends.
 
My age? Ha! No, two of my closest friends are at least a decade my senior, one of those being one that has seen me through a couple of meltdowns. The other that has really been there for me is 27 years younger than me but, maturity wise, we click, he's had to grow up fast in this business, same as I had to all those years ago.

We've got a lot of personal things in common too, including having public meltdowns, as in tens of thousands of people saw it happen (talk about embarrassing.) Both of us are mixed race, got bullied for that, both raised in strict religions but not so strict about it now.... we just click.
 
I don't have a lot of friends and I don't keep a lot of friends, but I think it's more on my part than their part. I can really like hanging out with someone and like talking to them, but suddenly I just stop talking to them less and less and I really do not know why, I just do.
 
I am Matt said:
I don't have a lot of friends and I don't keep a lot of friends, but I think it's more on my part than their part. I can really like hanging out with someone and like talking to them, but suddenly I just stop talking to them less and less and I really do not know why, I just do.
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Perhaps you have an inherent need for solitude that contradicts that same need for friends. And in the same time frame, that can cause great confusion- and disillusionment for both them and yourself at times. That's always been my experience.
 
Judge said:
Perhaps you have an inherent need for solitude that contradicts that same need for friends. And in the same time frame, that can cause great confusion- and disillusionment for both them and yourself at times. That's always been my experience.
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This is 100% my experience. I can go a very long time without talking to anyone, but I realize that it isn't the same for everyone. I almost made a new friend a few months ago, but I have been in and out of a depressive episode and I haven't kept in touch so I'm sure she thinks I hate her.

I am lucky that I have had friends who understand. I haven't even seen my best friend for more than a year, but she understands. We communicate rarely, but regularly.

I have in the past had friends I could talk to every day. I have also had friends I could talk to once a year and always pick up where we left off. Unfortunately, things happen. I have had two friends on that level of closeness die suddenly (both in their early 30s). I have also had two friends on that level stop speaking to me without giving me an explanation.

I still have my one friend, the best friend, but I don't think I'll be making new friends any time soon. I so rarely click with people, and I really don't miss having a social life.
 
I'd say the 'skill' that's most important is listening to your friend. Makes it so much easier to predict what they're thinking and what to talk about. Also, friendships require maintenance. Make time for your friends.
 
BlueConundrum said:
This is 100% my experience. I can go a very long time without talking to anyone, but I realize that it isn't the same for everyone. I almost made a new friend a few months ago, but I have been in and out of a depressive episode and I haven't kept in touch so I'm sure she thinks I hate her.

I am lucky that I have had friends who understand. I haven't even seen my best friend for more than a year, but she understands. We communicate rarely, but regularly.

I have in the past had friends I could talk to every day. I have also had friends I could talk to once a year and always pick up where we left off. Unfortunately, things happen. I have had two friends on that level of closeness die suddenly (both in their early 30s). I have also had two friends on that level stop speaking to me without giving me an explanation.

I still have my one friend, the best friend, but I don't think I'll be making new friends any time soon. I so rarely click with people, and I really don't miss having a social life.
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That last part is what I think people just don't get. Some (a lot?) people seem to think you need to keep making new friends to feel happy. I'm not one of those people.
 
Well thank you. I don't feel a ton of pressure to make friends. It is keeping friends that I really struggle with.
 
Mywaysigning said:
So having a lot of friends doesn't matter? I have been told that I need more friends my age, but I don't want friends my age, just people who will accept me for who I am. Is that what I should be aiming for?
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The number is not the thing. I've gone through periods where I could say I actually had over a dozen real friends, and others where I only really feel like I have two. What's more important than numbers is what you need and what you get out of social interaction.

If you are concerned about keeping friends, there are two things of particular importance: making time for them and paying attention to what they want in turn.

On the first point - I mostly lose friends because, although they like my outer performance, I often get relatively little out of interacting with them and so I make very little time for them. Most people want to spend more time with me than I want to spend with them, and that difference leads to me creating space and drifting away or ghosting out. I can sometimes just blast back in and hang out with them if I feel like it, but often this discrepancy means that, when I do feel like seeing someone, there may be few options for me because I have phased out casual friends. If you want people to be there for you, you have to be there for them.

On the second point - If you lose friends because they don't want to spend as much time with you, it's worth asking, "What do I offer them?" Do you bring wit, a chance to discuss shared interests, or perhaps there's some fun activity that you do with them? You may be having a good time, but that doesn't necessarily mean they are. A good friend of mine always wants to play video games and rehash quotes from tv shows, whereas I feel like having a walk and talk; I therefore try to strike more of a balance in this, and I've seen him trying to do the same now. As Nick_Jambo said, listen to them, try and make sure they are enjoying themselves as well. It's not your responsibility to provide all the fun, or carry the relationship, but part of being a good friend does entail looking out for your buddy!
 
Thank you donn. I will keep that in mind. I have some friends and maybe I should focus more on them and not try to make new friends.
 
It's been a lifelong problem for me,as of present I do not have any friends in real life and the small amount that I made during school never lasted or some even turned and bullied me,I always struggled especially with other females and still have the same problem today,it's not like I don't want friends it's just it's hard to bond maybe due to being hurt but I have grown accustomed to not having close friendships though sometimes wish I could have at least one friend.
 
Well we have friends here. That is all that matters. Thank you all for your comments and suggestions.
 
Mywaysigning said:
Thank you donn. I will keep that in mind. I have some friends and maybe I should focus more on them and not try to make new friends.
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Do ask yourself - would you like larger or more frequent social gatherings? Can you get that with my current friends? Would you like more variety in the people you hang out with? Is there something you'd like to do or talk about with a friend, that just doesn't really work with your current set? If so, then you might have a real, personal reason for finding new friends - if not, I'd never advise making it a numbers game.
 
Some of the answers are yes and some are no. So I am not sure what to do in my case. I like having friends, but I don't want so many that I can't keep in track of them if You know what I mean.
 
I can't keep friends, mostly because they get too busy with work or school or whatever they're involved in to spend any time with me. Either that or they get mad at my parents and cut off all contact.
 
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