Just some general help..

[G-Nak]

Hi Everyone..

Just wondering if anyone can give me any insight into this..

First thing:

My Son, who is nine, has a positive diagnosis for Asberger's. He has been classified as 'borderline', but I don't know what that entails. He's physically demonstrative and tactile (i.e. he loves hugs and physically demonstrating his feelings, grabbing your hand, showing you, etc.), and in most instances he's just like a 'normal kid', but here and there you see the Asberger's poking through. For example, he really hates loud noises (the school bell / buzzer, the fighter jet noise demo during the movie sound trailer, etc.) and he has a hard time with sarcasm and irony. He really wants to be funny, (he's very easygoing), but he doesn't really 'get' humor. Kind of reminds me of that holodeck episode of Star Trek:TNG where Data is trying to be funny but can't manage it as it's not quantifiable and can't be achieved without the right set of emotions.

It feels like my wife has written him off though.. She seems to be under the impression that he'll be with us for the rest of his life and no-one will ever accept him.. Personally, I don't see this, but it leads on to my second point..

I think my wife may be an 'Aspergirl' (as defined by Rudy Simone)

She's very controlling (as are the other women in her family) and she desperately wants things to go her way. In fact, she's a control freak. The stuff we've argued about has all been about this.

I'm very laid-back and easygoing, and she desperately wants to be in charge, so for the most part, I let her. It's mostly just annoying and "you would never have thought of this, had I not brought it up", kind of stuff, which ticks me off, but I can put up with it.

About a year ago, she was getting worse and worse and her demands got worse and more demanding and obnoxious, until one day I told her screw it, I was out of here. Then I totally ignored her attempts to re-establish control and walked out the door for a couple of hours.

After I came back, we talked and she confessed that she had been acting like a total ***** and treating me like **** (which apparently was my fault for "not fighting back") and that she had been 'jealous' because she had an annoying co-worker that she had to deal with on a daily basis and I didn't, so she decided to take it out on me.

(No, dear reader, I am not in fact some sad ***** who just takes whatever crap is dealt to him - bear in mind that we have a 9-year old child together)

Now we've gotten over this hump (about a year ago) things seem better - she has a new job and isn't anywhere near as neurotic - however, she's still quite controlling.

For example - we went to a marriage counselor after the last bust-up and he suggested that money might be a factor and I should re-train - so I did - I went and got the qualifications to do a job in technology, which se was right behind - but it feels like she's trying to undermine me and get me to take something that pays less than she gets. (I had a job that paid more than hers once before, and it incensed her.. Once again, she 'needs' to be 'in charge').

This is about all I can say at the moment.. Can I get some advice please?

 

[Christy]

Hi G-Nak, welcome to AC.

I'm a little unsure what sort of advice you're looking for. I'm an aspergirl, and can relate a little to what you describe about your wife. Of course I may be completely wrong, but I'll throw some thoughts out for you.

Because I struggle so much to understand people and what's happening around me, I can get very insecure. One of my coping mechanisms is to apply structure and preplan everything to give me a sense of control in a world that feels so random and haphazard. In times of stress this becomes very rigid, and I can get defensive. Another coping mechanism is to carefully manage how I am perceived by other people. When my ex took to acting like a jerk in front of other people, he threatened all my hard work, and this really sent me into a tail-spin.

One of the hardest things for me is to let go of that control to let a loved one in. If I don't feel like they are taking me seriously, then that makes it even more difficult for me to let go of those coping mechanisms.

One of the things that has helped me most is having a partner who builds my self esteem. He never misses an opportunity to build me up or to tear down one of my thoughts that make me feel insecure. The more secure I feel, the more trusting of him I become because I don't feel the need to apply my coping mechansisms around him. But also in general I can let go of my coping mechanisms because I'm not in contstant stress mode.

I don't know if that makes sense, but I hope it helps.

Christy

 

[Sass]

Hmmm, I'm an Aspergirl, whatever that really means, and I'm not a controlling wife or mother at all. I have a son who is autistic, and I don't expect him to be with us forever. He's capable of eventually looking after himself, (he's 6 right now).

To me, this sounds more like the way she was brought up by her family, and then a rigidity of opinion/thought that may come with Aspergers, combined into a super-storm of a need to be in charge and be superior in certain ways. I'm not an expert though, and you should take what I say with several grains of salt

 

[G-Nak]

Sorry, I was up late typing this and my wife started bugging me to come to bed, and as I didn't want to have to delete everything I wrote so she wouldn't see it, I wrapped quickly.

Thanks for your responses so far.

I think it's something of a combination of the things that both of you are saying.

She doesn't act in a 'typically' Asperger's manner, (i.e. she gets sarcasm, irony, etc.) and although she definitely has some issues, I wouldn't have ascribed them to Asperger's until I read an article by Rudy Simone, which would explain a few things - especially as our son has it.

Something all of the women in her family do is have a 'head plan' of how things are going to go and try to rigidly enforce it. It's usually something silly like taking an indirect route somewhere because 'the road is less bumpy' or something like that, but it's safer to indulge them as they get quite put out (and quite obviously peed off) if things don't go the way it went in their heads - which is quite obviously unavoidable sometimes and, through no fault of your own, you've made them mad at you. (I've had to remind my wife that I can't read her mind on several occasions, which she then tends to acknowledge, but still seems to act like her way of doing things is the most obvious, and you must be blind or stupid not to see it.)

I would say that her grandmother is the worst for this and her mother is quite similar, but it makes me wonder if this is a learned behavior from having an Asberger's parent as opposed to actual Asperger's as Sass suggested.

She's also quite concerned about what other people think - more so than I think would be considered 'normal' anyway. She has this thing where she freaks out if she sees bugs in the house (which is quite a challenge in summer). It stems from something that happened with her ex.

They had broken up and he had moved out, so she had decided to leave the apartment they had shared and move in with her folks. Her parents and grandparents came to help clean up before she moved, and apparently her ex had dropped some food or a food wrapper or something that had gotten under the bed, and a colony of insects had sprung up there and had eaten a hole in the carpet.

Of course, this solicited the typical "Eww! Urgh! That's gross!" type of reactions, but that stuck with her, so now every time she sees a bug in the house, she feels "dirty" and "feels them on her" and wants to do an obsessive cleaning of the area she saw it in.

In her defense, she's gotten better over the years and has had therapy for it (it was a huge issue when we first started living together) but it still happens occasionally, and she totally shuts down and sobs uncontrollably and can't function for several hours - if not days - afterwards.

She was officially diagnosed with OCD, but I'm starting to think that it might just be a part of an underlying problem (i.e. that she has Asberger's).

I guess the help I'm looking for is:

1) validation that what I'm thinking might be correct and she could have asperger's
2) how to approach her with my theory without seeming insulting (I guess if there's an article I could use to make my point or something)
3) what to do next.

I have some concerns about my son as well as I mentioned, but I'll get to them in another post.

Thanks again for your help.

 

[Christy]

I grew up in a household where there were very strict rules and expectations, and they weren't always stated. I learnt to associate acceptance with meeting those expectations, so when I didn't it would just cripple me. To this day there are things I struggle with because of it, and one of these is keeping a clean house. If it's not clean, I find it very hard to relax. I think this is a learned behavour exasserbated by aspergers.

I learnt to preempt my Dad and what his unstated expectations were. It kept me jumping through hoops because of it, always on edge in case I got it wrong. That lead to high anxiety.

I also have unstated reasons for why I want things done the way I want, but I have learnt to relax and not get too upset when it doesn't happen. I've also learnt to explain to my partner the reasons why I want what I want. Sometimes it just sounds completely irrational, but he is also an aspie and, while he may not understand the particular situation, he understands in general because he does it too. I think this is an aspie thing.

So 1) It is very possible she is either an aspie or has strong aspie traits.
2) I figured it out because I was doing reading on my autistic nephew and not only identified with the traits, but also then found out it can be genetic. I put two and two together. Perhaps you could encourage your wife to read up on it for the sake of your son, but then broaden the discussion from there.
3) Whether your wife accepts it or not, if she is an aspie, then you learning about it will help you to interact with her better. I suggest you do your own research and start trying different ways of interacting with her. For example, understanding that she isn't throwing a tantrum because she's not getting her own way, but because she's overwhelmed or insecure may help the outcome of the situation.

I'm sorry I haven't addressed your concerns about your son, I'm afraid that one's outside my experience.

 

[Aspergirl4hire]

Sorry, I was up late typing this and my wife started bugging me to come to bed, and as I didn't want to have to delete everything I wrote so she wouldn't see it, I wrapped quickly.

Thanks for your responses so far.

I think it's something of a combination of the things that both of you are saying.

She doesn't act in a 'typically' Asperger's manner, (i.e. she gets sarcasm, irony, etc.) and although she definitely has some issues, I wouldn't have ascribed them to Asperger's until I read an article by Rudy Simone, which would explain a few things - especially as our son has it.

Something all of the women in her family do is have a 'head plan' of how things are going to go and try to rigidly enforce it. It's usually something silly like taking an indirect route somewhere because 'the road is less bumpy' or something like that, but it's safer to indulge them as they get quite put out (and quite obviously peed off) if things don't go the way it went in their heads - which is quite obviously unavoidable sometimes and, through no fault of your own, you've made them mad at you. (I've had to remind my wife that I can't read her mind on several occasions, which she then tends to acknowledge, but still seems to act like her way of doing things is the most obvious, and you must be blind or stupid not to see it.)

I would say that her grandmother is the worst for this and her mother is quite similar, but it makes me wonder if this is a learned behavior from having an Asberger's parent as opposed to actual Asperger's as Sass suggested.

She's also quite concerned about what other people think - more so than I think would be considered 'normal' anyway. She has this thing where she freaks out if she sees bugs in the house (which is quite a challenge in summer). It stems from something that happened with her ex.

They had broken up and he had moved out, so she had decided to leave the apartment they had shared and move in with her folks. Her parents and grandparents came to help clean up before she moved, and apparently her ex had dropped some food or a food wrapper or something that had gotten under the bed, and a colony of insects had sprung up there and had eaten a hole in the carpet.

Of course, this solicited the typical "Eww! Urgh! That's gross!" type of reactions, but that stuck with her, so now every time she sees a bug in the house, she feels "dirty" and "feels them on her" and wants to do an obsessive cleaning of the area she saw it in.

In her defense, she's gotten better over the years and has had therapy for it (it was a huge issue when we first started living together) but it still happens occasionally, and she totally shuts down and sobs uncontrollably and can't function for several hours - if not days - afterwards.

She was officially diagnosed with OCD, but I'm starting to think that it might just be a part of an underlying problem (i.e. that she has Asberger's).

I guess the help I'm looking for is:

1) validation that what I'm thinking might be correct and she could have asperger's
2) how to approach her with my theory without seeming insulting (I guess if there's an article I could use to make my point or something)
3) what to do next.

I have some concerns about my son as well as I mentioned, but I'll get to them in another post.

Thanks again for your help.

G-Nak, thank you for sharing your post and your pain...

My overall reaction is that your wife may have other conditions. If you focus on the idea that she has Asperger's, you may be missing some other potentially serious conditions. I'm not a psychologist and this is not a diagnosis, but your description sounds like it fits and sits closer to generalized anxiety, narcissism, borderline personality disorder, or OCD. Remember, they aren't all necessarily mutually exclusive. I'm concerned about her giving up on her own child and the messages that sends to him. If testing is an option, my hope for you is that you all get tested and stop guessing.