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Issues with responsibility
- Thread starter LemonBar
- Start date
You don't know if he's formally diagnosed, or that he claims to be autistic ?
We can have a very broad range of executive functionality. There's no such thing as "normal" given the amplitude of our traits and behaviors can be found all along the spectrum of autism, apart from considerations like ASD1, ASD2 and ASD3 within the DSM-V guidelines.
And if not autistic, perhaps he just as issues with emotional immaturity and irresponsibility where the answers may lie elsewhere.
He is diagnosed as ASD, I just wondered it he possibly was further along than I thought.
What level? 1, 2 or 3 ? Does he have any comorbid conditions along with his autism?
I have not seen that information, just that he knew he had it since childhood and was diagnosed then.
Your terminology of "further along" demonstrates the opportunity for you to learn more about the autism spectrum. Perhaps you can do that here if you have time for reading. A huge variety of people with ASD have shared their experiences here and as such we are a rich resource of information for you to learn from.
Could you specify what you are hoping to get from this forum?
Stands to reason, given he was diagnosed far earlier than May of 2013 when the DSM-IV protocols pertained to Asperger's Syndrome only. No level 1,2 or 3 considerations to evaluate at all. All which serve as benchmarks relative to independent living, or partial or complete reliance on outside support.
Usually inappropriate interests and behaviors are indicative of younger autistic persons...not established adults with presumably ASD1. Though where he actually is on the spectrum might answer some of this. What remains problematic is that as a child prior to 2013, anyone diagnosed under the DSM-IV for Aspergers Syndrome would be subject to some different protocols.
What I have to wonder is that for someone formally diagnose long ago, that considerations of whether or not your husband was ever technically capable of independent living is unknown. Where his traits and behaviors have been constant even since his childhood. All enabled by his spouse who perhaps on her own makes a nice living. Enough for the two of you, which works for him- but not you.
Sounds grim, but then he sounds grim as an adult whose emotional maturity may have never advanced with age or independent living. Under such circumstances it may be worthwhile getting him to be professionally reevaluated to current neurological standards to see where you really stand in terms of his ability to pull his own weight as your spouse.
Otherwise it's quite possible that you don't know who you're truly dealing with neurologically speaking. I mean, what medical professional would evaluate the emotional maturity of a child in terms of negotiating some very adult executive functioning? -It never happened.
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MNAus
Well-Known Member
As mentioned, there's no such thing as a typical ASDer. Also, not everything in our behaviour is about autism, so it can be too easy sometimes to take what is just poor behaviour and excuse it as ASD. But also vice versa, or course. So, that's enough pinches of salt for what follows.
Personally I have two experiences that might be relevant. First, I tend to problem solve. That means if someone I care for says something like "we need to get away from here" that is what will happen. Obviously I'm not naive to throw-away comments, but if someone seems to have genuine want of something, I usually make it happen. Perhaps the comment on the move came from this direction. It might not have been you, but perhaps someone managed to trigger this as something that needs to be solved?
Second, some people with ASD have PDA. Now I'm as sceptical as the next guy about all these 3 letter initialisations and acronyms that everyone seems to have, but this one does hold water. Some people struggle with the sensation of obligation. The feeling that they should be doing something is just repellent. And that can be down to things like "you should brush your teeth": it feels like sandpaper to the brain. It's a possibility.
But it's also equally possible that he's never needed to be responsible, that someone has always bailed him out, and as a result he feels absolutely zero compunction to do a damned thing because, well, why should he? That's someone else's job, surely?
I think I'd also point out a couple of things. You're not obliged to overstep your boundaries because someone has ASD. You're allowed to think "these things I will compromise on, these things I will not". You have a life too. And second, ASD is not carte blanche. We are also able to compromise too, and should. It comes at energy cost, but that is true for anyone. So my instincts, with little actually knowledge of your situation (take note of that) is that you need to work out how you can meet in the middle on this.
Personally I have two experiences that might be relevant. First, I tend to problem solve. That means if someone I care for says something like "we need to get away from here" that is what will happen. Obviously I'm not naive to throw-away comments, but if someone seems to have genuine want of something, I usually make it happen. Perhaps the comment on the move came from this direction. It might not have been you, but perhaps someone managed to trigger this as something that needs to be solved?
Second, some people with ASD have PDA. Now I'm as sceptical as the next guy about all these 3 letter initialisations and acronyms that everyone seems to have, but this one does hold water. Some people struggle with the sensation of obligation. The feeling that they should be doing something is just repellent. And that can be down to things like "you should brush your teeth": it feels like sandpaper to the brain. It's a possibility.
But it's also equally possible that he's never needed to be responsible, that someone has always bailed him out, and as a result he feels absolutely zero compunction to do a damned thing because, well, why should he? That's someone else's job, surely?
I think I'd also point out a couple of things. You're not obliged to overstep your boundaries because someone has ASD. You're allowed to think "these things I will compromise on, these things I will not". You have a life too. And second, ASD is not carte blanche. We are also able to compromise too, and should. It comes at energy cost, but that is true for anyone. So my instincts, with little actually knowledge of your situation (take note of that) is that you need to work out how you can meet in the middle on this.
Thank you for clarifying your original post. When you ask a direct question, you are more likely to get a useful answer.
You may find this informative.
And this:
What Is A Special Interest Autism? - Here On The Spectrum
Special interests are frequently developed by individuals with autism spectrum disorder, expressed as an intense focus on specific topics. Neurotypical
hereonthespectrum.com
Au Naturel
Au Naturel
There is a concept of pathological demand avoidance. (PDA) It might be what you are getting at.
www.autism.org.uk
And, of course, other people will happily make no end of putting unreasonable demands on you and insisting that you do what they want rather than what you want. If you don't do what they want, they accuse you of PDA when they are just trying to take advantage of you. It is easier than doing the work themself and/or cheaper than hiring it out. Not your job to spend your time to make others happy. Smile and politely just say no.
People who have contractual or legal authority to give you orders are different. That's called work. But even there, the law and your contract set limits.
Anything one enjoys can be a form of escapism if regular life isn't rewarding. All recreation and most socialization is a form of escapism, but the timing matters. There's nothing wrong with escapism as long as it doesn't interfere with things like eating, sleeping, paying the bills, and fulfilling obligations to significant others. The main problem is when it prevents you from making a living or passing classes, puts an existing job/career at risk, or prevents you from doing things to make your life better.
I worked many scummy jobs but managed to keep my special interests out of them - at least enough that they didn't interfere.
The happiest person is someone who is able to turn a special interest into a career. That little switch turns "escapist" behavior into highly productive behavior.
Demand avoidance
Resistance to demands is a characteristic experienced by and observed in some autistic people. It is sometimes labelled as Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA), but there is debate about the evidence for and usefulness of this label.
www.autism.org.uk
And, of course, other people will happily make no end of putting unreasonable demands on you and insisting that you do what they want rather than what you want. If you don't do what they want, they accuse you of PDA when they are just trying to take advantage of you. It is easier than doing the work themself and/or cheaper than hiring it out. Not your job to spend your time to make others happy. Smile and politely just say no.
People who have contractual or legal authority to give you orders are different. That's called work. But even there, the law and your contract set limits.
Anything one enjoys can be a form of escapism if regular life isn't rewarding. All recreation and most socialization is a form of escapism, but the timing matters. There's nothing wrong with escapism as long as it doesn't interfere with things like eating, sleeping, paying the bills, and fulfilling obligations to significant others. The main problem is when it prevents you from making a living or passing classes, puts an existing job/career at risk, or prevents you from doing things to make your life better.
I worked many scummy jobs but managed to keep my special interests out of them - at least enough that they didn't interfere.
The happiest person is someone who is able to turn a special interest into a career. That little switch turns "escapist" behavior into highly productive behavior.
Responsibilities are hard but sometimes I enjoy the challenge but sometimes maybe big thing no
I like escapism but then I hate it, some aspects are fun and some are not.
It is a love and hate relationship
I just like normal
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