Is this OK?

[CherryV]

My son's school is having what I would call an assembly to educate children about Autism. I am struggling with this because on one side I feel that the general public needs to understand it more as we are all familiar with the looks from ignorant people during a meltdown. On the other hand, my son is high functioning and I have never felt the need to have a conversation with him about his Autism. I never thought that this would benefit his growth. My ex and I both feel like it would just make him feel more isolated. Don't get me wrong. We have discussed it in front of him before and I'm sure he realizes that he is in a special class, but we never saw the point of sitting him down and having this conversation with him before. We help him, and guide him and give him positive reinforcement and let him know that his struggles are ok and this has worked for us. Now, we are being forced with minimal notice to have this discussion with him as the school is basically going to out all the children in the program.

My question: Is this ok? What would you do? Is this legal? Am I wrong to want to stop this? What can I do? What should I do?

I don't want him to feel any more different than he already does as he struggles with self-esteem and keeps asking if people like him. It's not that I want to hide it from him, I just don't want to draw attention to it.

 

[Rasendra]

That's a tough one. Kids can be mean but they can also be understanding. If they get it young enough and widespread enough then we may start seeing more of a difference in acceptance. But alternatively it could just make it easier for the bullies to identify victims. Don't really have any advice for you but hopefully it works out okay for your son.

 

[Gritches]

Oh dear.

To answer your questions:

Is this ok?
It's well-intentioned, for sure. I don't think it's a good idea at any age higher than elementary school because beyond that you're just giving bullies a ton of ammo and exposing weak points for them to exploit, probably with impunity. Terrible idea 6th grade plus.

What would you do?
Decide whether or not I want this to happen or not. If not, I would fight like hell to get the school to cancel the event, maybe pulling some points from responses in this thread.

Is this legal?
Yes

Am I wrong to want to stop this?
No

What can I do? What should I do?
What you should do is what's best for your son, but that's not very helpful for me to say. What might help is that I find that the types of people who are employed by schools are a wee bit out of touch with the social realities of being a pre-teen or teenager. For whatever reason, they expect maturity, respect, and understanding from the student body.

If the audience has heard the word "autistic" before, that's a bad thing, because it means they already have a definition in their head on what it means (probably the most popular opinion, that it means "retarded"), so again, just ammo for bullies and everyone else will stay away from him to avoid getting caught in the crossfire, further alienating him.

What you can do is make some phone calls or, better yet, a physical visit to people like the Principal of the school once you've formed a concise, cogent argument against the event happening. If s/he won't listen, go over his/her head.

Yikes, I just don't see this event having positive implications.

 

[wight]

Perhaps this sounds overly simple, but just keep him out of school that day? Tell them you feel it would be better if he wasn't to attend that assembly and you are keeping him home that day. While your at it, take the day off work and have a parent-kid day... do something just for fun or relaxation.

 

[Chance]

I dislike avoiding things, but I dislike having to cause a huge controversy also...
I'm with Wight on this one (if it were to be possible).

I hope they have some very intelligent people in charge of this. Like it has been said, this could just expose some kids an make them easy targets for others.

Either way I do hope it all goes well for you and your son... : )

 

[Bella Pines]

Sounds fine to me on both counts.

Good for the school in trying to talk about it, they may be a bit off the mark but at least they are trying and it's not a taboo subject. They sometimes get it a bit wrong, NTs guessing about autism is a bit cringe-worthy. My son's school did it and it kind of painted autistic people as fragile and "special" in the worst sense of the word. So I volunteered to go in and talk to the class. They were quite surprised, I just stood there looking normal and talked to everyone. I think the teachers expected me to meltdown then and there, I was tempted to fake it for laughs but resisted! I don't remember much of what I said but it didn't much matter. I think just seeing someone "autistic" was enough. It turned it from a thing into something that seemed okay.

And good for you for not making your son feel different. He'll have enough of that to deal with later in life anyway. A diagnosis is good for assistance in exam conditions and maybe later in life if necessary, but not much else. If you make a thing of it, then it will define him and isolate him more than necessary. If anything I would be tempted not to even mention it, let him ask questions if he has any and just let him live his life like everyone else. If he doesn't associate HFA with whatever the school's awkward version of "autism awareness" is, then all the better.

 

[OlLiE]

there are nice people and nasty people
nasty people will be nasty whether they are ignorant or not
decent people can risk not showing compassion or understanding if they are ignorant
if decent people understand, i think it would be more likely for them to be understanding

nasty people are a lost cause, but potentially the more decent people could be more accepting if they understand

i'm in my forties, and am high functioning, college educated etc, being high functioning, i've always been aware of my difference, it has always been a part of my life, growth to an adult came from self acceptance and working with what i've got rather than focusing on and putting myself down about being different, oh and also accepting that nasty people are inherently nasty, so there is no reason whatsoever to even care about their opinions

i only got my diagnosis later in life, so i only learned to accept myself way too late before that i was always blaming myself for everything, always assumed that i was inferior because of my observations of other people, i always felt awkward, i assumed that the way i was being treated was my fault, etc

 

[Mary Terry]

Surely the school isn't going to identify the names of autistic students?! If that is the plan, then I'd raise some strong issues with the school board about privacy rights and unauthorized disclosure of medical/psychiatric diagnoses of specific individuals. I think it could be a good thing to have an open public discussion with the student body about autism if it is conducted with sensitivity and factual information and includes a discussion about bullying of students. But if you think it would upset your son to attend the assembly, then definitely keep him home from school that day.

 

[CherryV]

Perhaps this sounds overly simple, but just keep him out of school that day? Tell them you feel it would be better if he wasn't to attend that assembly and you are keeping him home that day. While your at it, take the day off work and have a parent-kid day... do something just for fun or relaxation.[/QU


I definitely agree with that but I am also concerned with the aftermath of how children are going to respond. Even if he is not there that day, he is still being singled out as he is in a special class specifically for autistic children.

 

[CherryV]

Sounds fine to me on both counts.

Good for the school in trying to talk about it, they may be a bit off the mark but at least they are trying and it's not a taboo subject. They sometimes get it a bit wrong, NTs guessing about autism is a bit cringe-worthy. My son's school did it and it kind of painted autistic people as fragile and "special" in the worst sense of the word. So I volunteered to go in and talk to the class. They were quite surprised, I just stood there looking normal and talked to everyone. I think the teachers expected me to meltdown then and there, I was tempted to fake it for laughs but resisted! I don't remember much of what I said but it didn't much matter. I think just seeing someone "autistic" was enough. It turned it from a thing into something that seemed okay.

And good for you for not making your son feel different. He'll have enough of that to deal with later in life anyway. A diagnosis is good for assistance in exam conditions and maybe later in life if necessary, but not much else. If you make a thing of it, then it will define him and isolate him more than necessary. If anything I would be tempted not to even mention it, let him ask questions if he has any and just let him live his life like everyone else. If he doesn't associate HFA with whatever the school's awkward version of "autism awareness" is, then all the better.

I agree with you that people do need to be educated on the subject but like you said, I am not sure they will do it appropriately and is an elementary school the correct forum for this? I also love the fact that you yourself, as what I understand, being autistic yourself went in and talked to the class. Unfortunately, I don't know any adults that could do this. I am sure I could reach out to local organizations but I'm not even sure how they are going to address it anyway. I just found out yesterday and spent a lot of time thinking about it. I have decided that my first step is to go to the school today and find out exactly how they plan on addressing it and what they plan on saying. It is such a sensitive subject and so misunderstood. I am just worried that school is hard enough for children and he struggles as it is emotionally. I don't want it to be any harder on him nor do I want to feel forced to have a conversation with him because suddenly people may be asking him questions.

 

[CherryV]

there are nice people and nasty people
nasty people will be nasty whether they are ignorant or not
decent people can risk not showing compassion or understanding if they are ignorant
if decent people understand, i think it would be more likely for them to be understanding

nasty people are a lost cause, but potentially the more decent people could be more accepting if they understand

i'm in my forties, and am high functioning, college educated etc, being high functioning, i've always been aware of my difference, it has always been a part of my life, growth to an adult came from self acceptance and working with what i've got rather than focusing on and putting myself down about being different, oh and also accepting that nasty people are inherently nasty, so there is no reason whatsoever to even care about their opinions

i only got my diagnosis later in life, so i only learned to accept myself way too late before that i was always blaming myself for everything, always assumed that i was inferior because of my observations of other people, i always felt awkward, i assumed that the way i was being treated was my fault, etc

You sound very similar to my son. He is so hard on himself and we are always giving him positive reinforcement to bring him back up but we can't be with him all the time, nor is that healthy. We want him to learn how to strive in public situations and be able to understand that he doesn't need to worry about what other people think and that he is not stupid as he says. I do not disagree that there needs to be education and acknowledgment of this but shouldn't the parents of the children at the school been consulted and alerted (sooner) than this?

As someone who struggles with this yourself, how would you have wanted this to be addressed to you as a child? I am not just referring to the school. I mean, would you have wanted someone to sit you down and explain it, would that have helped you cope?

 

[CherryV]

Surely the school isn't going to identify the names of autistic students?! If that is the plan, then I'd raise some strong issues with the school board about privacy rights and unauthorized disclosure of medical/psychiatric diagnoses of specific individuals. I think it could be a good thing to have an open public discussion with the student body about autism if it is conducted with sensitivity and factual information and includes a discussion about bullying of students. But if you think it would upset your son to attend the assembly, then definitely keep him home from school that day.

No, of course, they will now release names due to privacy laws but, he is in a class specifically designed for Autistic children and that alone will be his target. As stated in other responses, I am considering keeping him home, but that does not solve the problem of the aftermath. I also believe that education on it is very important, I am just very concerned as to if this is the right way to go about it. I am going to the school today to get more information on how they plan on addressing this before I make too big of a commotion.

 

[dragoncat16]

If they are determined to hold that assembly, ask them to show this very well-made video for kids that was posted here a few weeks ago: Amazing Things Happen: Positive autism video

 

[OlLiE]

You sound very similar to my son. He is so hard on himself and we are always giving him positive reinforcement to bring him back up but we can't be with him all the time, nor is that healthy. We want him to learn how to strive in public situations and be able to understand that he doesn't need to worry about what other people think and that he is not stupid as he says. I do not disagree that there needs to be education and acknowledgment of this but shouldn't the parents of the children at the school been consulted and alerted (sooner) than this?

As someone who struggles with this yourself, how would you have wanted this to be addressed to you as a child? I am not just referring to the school. I mean, would you have wanted someone to sit you down and explain it, would that have helped you cope?

i think it would have helped, i guess it depends at what age and how mature i was,

it would have helped to understand that being different doesn't mean that i can't be happy, and that i don't have to accept other people's definition of how i should be happy, and that there is nothing wrong with that, it would have helped to realise that there are all kinds of people, some people are shy, some people are awkward, some people have high emotional intelligence some have low, who's to judge, everyone has to learn to make the best of what they've got,

it would have helped to have realised that i should build my own self image rather than having it dictated to me by TV, friends, internet etc, and feeling bad about norms that only exist to get kids to get their parents to spend more money - it would have helped if i had parents that knew what was going on and that guided me to play to my strengths

i've been to both extremes, was intelligent enough to realise i didn't belong, learned to fake it, got pretty good at it but at the expense who i am, and it ultimately led me to a significant burnout - if i'd learned to accept myself earlier and worked on my strengths rather than focus on my shortcomings, maybe that could have been avoided - but again i don't know if i would have been mature enough as a child to do this

so what that i feel different, many people do,
so what that i feel insecure, many people do,
so what that i don't have many friends, many people don't
so what that i sometimes overreact to things that refer to my shortcomings, many people do
so what that it took me to my 40's to meet my fiancee, getting married next week
so what that i get upset by crowds, bright light, noise, smells and light touch, its easy to avoid
so what that i take things literally
so what that i put logic over emotion, it can be very useful
so what that i'm not socially adept, many people aren't
so what that i've had to learn to read faces like i had to learn read words

rather than focus on the label, i've set my own standards and i'm more interested in trying to be a better person, just like most other people

it would have been useful if things like this site had existed when i was a child,