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Is there anyone that has aspergers & children and can help me please?

T

Tanyax

Well-Known Member
I have had the worst day and would so love to talk to someone. Truth is, all days are pretty much like this. I am really struggling with my family, I have two girls 11 and 13 and our lives are so not normal. Erm, I only found out really a week ago and while it is a relief it’s very hard and I’m sure my daughter has it too but I haven’t told her yet. My partner and I are separated and he’s just so horrible to me and my girls aren’t great to say the least and all I need is to talk to him and I can’t.

I can’t honestly see how I can make my life and relationships better right now. I am seriously feeling that I cannot be here much longer. I have no place and my days are full of pain and trying to hide it because it just bothers people and no one cares and that’s it really. I need my ex to listen to me and care and understand and he refuses to.

He does the opposite and belittles me in front of the only people that I live for and without him and his support I will not ever have the relationship I need with my girls and they’re my only only reason to live so it seems impossible. I told him what is wrong with me and he said it wasn’t a big deal.

How can I get through this when the only adult in my life that I care about can’t stand me? He makes my girls think it’s ok to be awful to me and I’ve reached a point where my options are so limited that I genuinely feel that dying is better than living this painful daily ritual of constant rejection and the bubbling over of tears and emotion that just winds them all up? It is so painful people. So painful. I’ve already given myself the green light that it’s the best thing for me and they will be ok with it.

You guys don’t live my life so don’t judge me. We are not a normal family. I don’t really have a place in it so I dont feel guilty. He is making it impossible for me to have the relationship I need with the only people that make my life worth living and he won’t help me foster it. I have so much love, so much but no one will take it and it’s killing me
 
I raised 4 children and didn't know I had autism until recently. Ask away. :) I felt guilty for a lot of things - like not being able to easily pick out my kids in a crowd.
 
Please can you just talk to me? Tell me everything from start to finish. All of it everything. I really need to hear someone else spout something other than me. Please just talk. I’m in a world of pain with my girls and I only found out less than a week ago and I’m trying to make sense of it but my days are horrendous. My kids hate me and I have no one and nothing. So anything you do say would be wonderful. And the more you do say would be more comforting. So please. Spill your guts out for me. Please xx it sounds so stupid I know but if you could, it would help me do very very much, thank you x
 
We were also never a normal family and was treated as such. It was a constant struggle, a daily struggle. I did it alone and I know the pain. I do want to say one thing before adding anything else - if you took your own life your children will not be okay. My daughter in law's sister is dealing with her husband recently killing himself and I'm not sure she's ever going to get over it - she can't move on and all she does is question why and it's been 6 months and she is like she was on day 1. Don't do that to your children. And I'm not judging, I've had those same feelings and even added that they would do well with the life insurance I had through work and be better off. Other's don't know I ever had those feelings, but they were strong.
I want to be able to help in any way I can.
 
Your girls are 12 and 13, did you say? These are really hard years even without any added stress. Those years were torturous and a nightmare. When you say you just found out a week ago - found out what?
 
I'll start with the teen years since that's what you're actually having to deal with. You not only have no support system but have someone in the picture making it worse. That was me - and I will tell you that we all somehow managed to survive those years. They hated me. My daughter once was reading a poem she wrote to me about how much she hated me. I told her how good it was and that she should send it to Eminem.
 
I was blamed for everything I did. My mother undermined everything I'd try to do. My oldest son went five years not speaking to me except when he told me he was not inviting me to his wedding. My mom also would tell the kids things that were not true about and they hated me even more.
As far as your ex - look up narcissist traits and see if he fits. Females with aspergers/autism tend to choose wrong men and often fall into the hands of a narcissist.
 
I can keep going, but now I need some specifics to which direction to go. But I have been where you are.
 
My kids are 4 and 7. I'm married. I get the "I don't like you!" stuff at times too. Be patient. They need a parent right now as opposed to a friend.
 
Pats said:
We were also never a normal family and was treated as such. It was a constant struggle, a daily struggle. I did it alone and I know the pain. I do want to say one thing before adding anything else - if you took your own life your children will not be okay. My daughter in law's sister is dealing with her husband recently killing himself and I'm not sure she's ever going to get over it - she can't move on and all she does is question why and it's been 6 months and she is like she was on day 1. Don't do that to your children. And I'm not judging, I've had those same feelings and even added that they would do well with the life insurance I had through work and be better off. Other's don't know I ever had those feelings, but they were strong.
I want to be able to help in any way I can.
Click to expand...
thank you so much. I means the world that someone cares because right now no one does. It’s unbearable. I have no words but i thank you from the bottom of my heart x
 
I did leave out a very important part - this stage will pass and they will love you again. I can make that promise.
 
I'm not a mother, but I am a father, and I have two girls. I'm an Aspie, and my youngest is also an Aspie.

I, and they, are older than you and your daughters, but in itself, that just proves that where you are at in life, with all the stresses and difficulties, is not just survivable, but that you can come out of it stronger and better.

The first thing to do is take a deep breath. Nothing is as bad as it seems. Your ex is your ex - he is little more than a typical ex. It doesn't matter what he feels or thinks about you, he is not your problem any longer, and his views and feelings aren't important now either.

It is also not that important if he tries to feed your daughters with negative thoughts about you. Your children may be young, but they are not stupid, and they can observe things for themselves. Their relationship with you since they were born is the most important thing they have in their lives, and they can't be talked out of it. They may love their dad, they may want to trust in him, but they also love you and trust in you too. All you need to do is keep it together for their sake, and talk to them, explain what is happening, and why you are having a problem. Let them in so they can understand, then they can help you because in telling them, you no longer will need to hide what is happening from them.

In the longer term, if one of your daughters is also on the spectrum, it doesn't mean she is damaged, it simply means that she is different, in a similar way that you are. My autistic daughter was sometimes very difficult, but also one of the most rewarding people I have ever known - and while she has sometimes struggled a bit, she has a very fulfilling life and a responsible and demanding job. It means that being on the spectrum is not a life sentence, nor a thing to fear. It just is.

Personally, I have often felt that I am out of place in a world I don't seem to belong to, but I have had a very fulfilling career, am highly respected in my field, and have a sense of having achieved much in life, in part despite being an Aspie, but also, rather more tellingly, because I am an Aspie.

Take a deep breath. This is not the end of the world, though when you look back on this point in the future, you may realise that this is the beginning of a far better understanding of who you are, and your strengths, not just your weaknesses. If you want it to be, this can be a beginning.
 
Wow. Thank you all so much. There is so much in your replies that I needed to hear. Just listening to your stories helps me more than you’ll ever know. If you could, I’d love to hear so much more. Just talk to me. Tell me about your lives and I’m doing so you are helping me in so very many ways. Tell me about your lives.
 
I have a son and daughter, 17 and 14. Went through a really hard period when my daughter was 12-13, because she was struggling with various issues (difficulties at school, peer pressure, self-esteem issues etc). She was self-harming and for a while was borderline anorexic. And her father was so oblivious to her emotional needs, it was left to me to support her, and to take on my shoulders all her need to blame people for how she was feeling. This just when I was realising I was on the spectrum and trying to cope with the realisation of my own emotional issues.
But things are so much better now - not perfect, but improving every day. The most important thing I did was leave my husband, because all he was doing was undermining me. Now I won't talk to him at all if he says anything critical of me or the kids.
Another important thing was to trust myself that I was doing the right thing for my kids, even when they complained. At that age, they are struggling with the concept of parents who are not omnipotent, and it frustrates them to discover their parents are only human and make mistakes, so they lash out. But they're not yet mature enough to understand how hurtful they are being. Give them time - in a year or two they might start to get it.
The last thing is to know that your struggles are temporary, and you will come through them stronger and wiser. Just hang in there. Find people you can talk things through with, a friend or a counsellor, to get things off your chest.
Wishing you all the best.
 
Tanyax said:
I have had the worst day and would so love to talk to someone. Truth is, all days are pretty much like this. I am really struggling with my family, I have two girls 11 and 13 and our lives are so not normal. Erm, I only found out really a week ago and while it is a relief it’s very hard and I’m sure my daughter has it too but I haven’t told her yet. My partner and I are separated and he’s just so horrible to me and my girls aren’t great to say the least and all I need is to talk to him and I can’t.

I can’t honestly see how I can make my life and relationships better right now. I am seriously feeling that I cannot be here much longer. I have no place and my days are full of pain and trying to hide it because it just bothers people and no one cares and that’s it really. I need my ex to listen to me and care and understand and he refuses to.

He does the opposite and belittles me in front of the only people that I live for and without him and his support I will not ever have the relationship I need with my girls and they’re my only only reason to live so it seems impossible. I told him what is wrong with me and he said it wasn’t a big deal.

How can I get through this when the only adult in my life that I care about can’t stand me? He makes my girls think it’s ok to be awful to me and I’ve reached a point where my options are so limited that I genuinely feel that dying is better than living this painful daily ritual of constant rejection and the bubbling over of tears and emotion that just winds them all up? It is so painful people. So painful. I’ve already given myself the green light that it’s the best thing for me and they will be ok with it.

You guys don’t live my life so don’t judge me. We are not a normal family. I don’t really have a place in it so I dont feel guilty. He is making it impossible for me to have the relationship I need with the only people that make my life worth living and he won’t help me foster it. I have so much love, so much but no one will take it and it’s killing me
Click to expand...

I hear ya. Search Parental Alienation Syndrome and get wise.
 
I'm a father but I can relate to some of your experience. When you say you just found out a week ago, do you mean you were diagnosed a week ago? Some of what you're experiencing sounds like the confusion and re-examining your life that tends to happen when you get diagnosed as an adult. It takes a while to process.

My kids are 24 (boy), 19 (boy) and 15 (girl). My daughter is autistic (though refuses the 'label') and anorexic. My NT wife and I manage to co-operate in trying to look after my daughter, but my wife makes it clear that she thinks my autism is responsible for the anorexia (and many other problems). We don't exactly have a normal marriage.

Like others have said, parenting teenagers is really hard. With my kids, I noticed that I was often the target of their frustrations, even though I tend to be very calm and placid. One of their teachers once told me that this might be because I was the only person they could rely on not to reject them. I decided to believe this, because it makes it easier.

With the boys, it got easier as they got older. My eldest is pretty nice to me now, he recognises that his parents have very different strengths and flaws. I'm optimistically assuming the same will happen with my daughter.
 
I am definitely re assessing my life and it is quite shocking to be honest. I have realised why Ive never stayed anywhere or in a job for more than 2 years really. Maybe I’ll try this, maybe I’ll do that, this will work, this will make me happy, over and over for 41 years. Clearly it never worked but I know now why. The only support I get is on here. My girls dad isn’t talking to me and I don’t know what I’ve done. He constantly undermines me with my girls. He has had to play the lead role for the last few years due to my depression and although I’m back now as a functioning mother, and given it my ALL for the last 18 months, it’s geting me nowhere. He’s blocking me and they’re happy to let him. I’m just an annoyance to them all. A perfect example of my daily conversations is this. This morning I said to
him, ‘would you like anything from the shop?’ He said ‘NO, and stop talking to me!’. Hmmm ok then. Gives you a rough idea and my girls aren’t much better. It’s a very hostile environment for me. I am the outsider. Of course I will keep trying, I love them but I need to catch a break. It’s so
Unhealthy and I want to be healthy, after 8 years of hell with my depression, I think I deserve it for once.
 
@Tanyax, I'd agree with your ex in one respect: Stop talking to him. If all he has done is undermine you, he has nothing to say that you need to hear, and you owe him nothing at all.

As for your daughters, they are at a difficult age where you are almost inevitably going to get some attitude problems anyway. Add to that the adjustments they are having to make to the changed relationship landscape of their parents, which they simply can't understand even as much as they can observe the result, and it would be surprising if you didn't experience some issues with them.

However, it is not a meaningful problem, it is simply a combination of their ages, their circumstances and their lack of ability to view the world around them with the maturity they will one day have, but which they lack now.

Also, bear in mind that if one of your daughters is on the autism spectrum, she will likely find any loss of routines, and the process of change in her life and the world around her to be very difficult, and may have very high levels of anxiety.

Focusing on talking to your daughters will help you and them greatly. Yes, you'll get attitude from them, but you'll also establish better connections, and they need that as much as you do.

As for your ex - take one last bit of advice from him - stop talking to him.
 
Thank you. That’s very helpful but the problem is I’m not allowed to talk. Like, ever, let alone important stuff. It just annoys them. Full stop. Regardless of the topic.
 
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