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Is "pretending to be boring" one of the rejection techniques?

Polchinski

Active Member
Since I am not attractive in person, I look for women online, on dating sites. Then, even on dating sites, the vast majority of women don't respond to me. So I end up settling on the ones that I don't like that much. Now, if I were to see them in person, then we would find fun things to do that would make me like them. I mean, I remember having settled in person before, and I still liked the relationship at least during its honeymoon phase. But I am not talking about that. Right now I am talking about "dating" women that live several states away, whom I never met in person.

Now, since the vast majority of the examples of "girlfriends" are the ones I just described, it never occurred to me to say "hey its not a real relationship because its long distance" or "its not the real relationship because she is not my type". Instead, I end up saying "yes it is a real relationship but, apparently, being in a relationship doesn't make me totally happy: because I still have problems with career, health, and so forth that I am concerned about". So I end up saying "its nice I am in a relationship, but what about being behind at school?" or "its nice that I am in a relationship, but I am upset that I don't have any other friends", or "its nice I am in a relationship, but what about my pre-diabetic glucose numbers?" and so forth.

But what doesn't occur to me is that I was fooling myself when I said "its nice I am in a relationship" part. Because if I WAS in a relationship (as was the case when it was in person) I would NOT feel nearly as bored during my honeymoon phase. Yes, I would BECOME bored once the honeymoon phase is over, few months later. But not until then. If I am bored during what is supposed to be a honeymoon, then maybe the issue is that I am not in a relationship to begin with?

Now, as far as putting too much weight on the online dating, or settling, I can't blame the girl for that. It is totally my fault, since I was at it for multiple years before she ever came into the picture. But the part that I CAN blame the girl for is something ELSE. I remember three girls (and probably will remember more if I try) whom I felt were "boring" in the above described way, but who later admitted that it was them who were thinking relationship wasn't working and were planning on breaking up. Then I ended up feeling fooled. Since I felt that, instead of telling me directly they didn't like me, they led me to believe that I was the one who doesn't like them.

Let me explain a little more of a context as to why this difference is so crucial. First of all, yes, when I am looking for a relationship, I am looking for connection. So from this point of view I understand that it doesn't really matter who doesn't like whom: the bottom line is that there is no connection. However, I also admit that this is not the "only" thing I am looking for. The other thing I am looking for is self validation. And that is where the question of "who doesn't like whom" becomes crucial.

If its the girl that doesn't like me, then it doesn't matter how boring she "used to be": I would literally spend all day every day obsessing about her, and even ignoring any other girl that tries to talk to me, all in the name of proving her invalidating, character-assassinating assumptions about me wrong. On the other hand, if I assume that I like her but she is "boring", then I would be thinking about anything BUT her: I would be like "alright, my relationship box is checked, she is there, what about all those other boxes". Now, if I first thought "she likes me but she is boring" and then learned that actually she didn't like me, then I would basically be forced to switch from almost ignring her myself to outright obsessing about her. And thats where I would feel like I am fooled, since I would feel like "I would have been obsessing about her just as crazily as I do now, if only she were to inform me earlier that she didn't like me; how dare she not inform me earlier".

Now, I realize its not so cut and dry. Because one of the examples of a long distance girl whom I was taking for granted was the one with whom "the relationship" lasted for almost two years and plans of marriage have been discussed. Clearly, I am not going to accuse her (or most other girls for that matter) to be capable of lying to me to that extend. But then there are other girls with whom "the relationship" lasted for just a month or two, and there it seems a lot more likely.

Well, as far as the "2 years" girl, she was strict southern baptist and, due to her various religious high standards, haven't dated her entire life anyone but me. So maybe she lost interest in me just like the other girls did, but she decided to stick around due to not having other options. I wouldn't call this lying since she had nothign to compare it to.

But putting her side by side with the other examples, leads to another thought. The question "is the girl planning to break up" is a simple yes or no question, without any area in between. But the question "what is the interest level of the girl" has very fluid answer. So could it be that when the girl is "boring" its not so much about a "plan to break up" but rather about "lower interest level". And then in light of said "lower interest level", some girls ended up deciding to break up (like the short term ones that I mentioned) while other ones took a lot longer before ever considering it (like the one that lasted for 2 years)? And then its not lying. Because "looking boring" is a natural reaction to my getting them bored and thats something they can't help. Just like I couldn't help being bored (and consequently looking boring) in some of the classes I was taking, even though I wasn't planning to dropping them?

But then again, while it might be true with some girls, it might not be true with others. Perhaps other girls DO use the "pretend to be boring" technique as a way of getting "me" to do "dirty work" for them (particularly if they know I would start arguing if they would tell me the truth).

Now, we all know a renowned technique of rejecting someone by saying "I am busy". So could it be "pretending to be boring" is right in the same category as "pretending to be busy" one?

Interestingly enough, the "I am busy" technique doesn't work on me, because I see right through it. But "I am boring" technique apparently does. And, going back to my "oppsoite reactions" discussed earlier, my reaction to girl being "busy" and to her being "boring" is opposite, too.

Girl is busy: I immediately suspect that she lost interest even if she never said it. My first reaction is to dissect who said what to whom right before she became "busy". So I start asking her a mirriad of questions, such as "is it because I said this", or "is it because I didn't say that", etc. She would keep assuring me that it is none of this, she is still interested, she is just busy. She might even be telling me what she is busy with. But I won't believe her because, whatever she mentions she is busy with, she had it all along. Yet I remember very clearly how it was after I said this one specific thing that she distanced herself. So I keep nagging her with all those questions. And then the more I ask her those questions the more I push her away. Then eventually she admits she lost interest. In some cases she would say she lost interest due to my nagging (which would imply that she haven't lost interest back when I just started nagging her). Or in other cases she would actually admit that she lost interest back then too. But she would often name something other than any of the things I thought it was. And when I try to talk about whatever she named, she doesn't want to talk about it.

Girl is boring: I assume we are in a relationship. I assume she likes me (I will later find out I am wrong, but thats what I assume until later). I also assume I don't like her, because of the combination of distance, her low education, etc. But I assume we are in a relationship, and I assume she won't break up with me unless I would, which I am not planning to. I might even be thinking I am trapped with her, and daydream how much better things would have been, if only I were to respond to that cashier at the grocery store 20 years ago. I start talking TO her about that cashier. I also get upset why don't I have other friends (by which I really mean female friends -- but no I don't cheat, so yes, FRIENDS, just female ones) and I talk to her about my difficulty making said female friends. I worry about school, which I talk to her too, about my blood glucose, which I also talk to her about, etc. In other words I am using her as a therapist. Apart from free therapy, I also assume that "the girlfriend box is checked", its all those "other" problems that I am concerned about. But then I get a surprise: it turns out she lost interest, and this whole time when I THOUGHT she was boring it was actually her losing interest. So then I switch right into "girl is busy" mode AND feel fooled. So I drop ALL the things I was using her as a therapist for and INSTEAD start arguing with her as to why she won't give me a second chance. And she becomes my sole obsession 24/7

Can anyone relate to this?
 

Mary Terry

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
No, I cannot relate to this. Too much navel gazing and projection of your feelings onto others, IMHO. Others may feel differently from me.
 

Jordy

Well-Known Member
I mean you are right it is a way to reject someone. Some people however prefer to fool themselves into thinking they weren't really rejected as hard as they were. If self delusion is what works for them they might try to push it on you too in the form of advice.

You know if someone really wants to message you they will. Everyone has a phone with them 24/7. Pretty much no one is busy for hours on end without phone/social media breaks. Especially not young woman.
 
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Polchinski

Active Member
You know if someone really wants to message you they will. Everyone has a phone with them 24/7. Pretty much no one is busy for hours on end without phone/social media breaks. Especially not young woman.

Yeah, that happened to me too, a lot. But in this post I wanted to compare it to a different situation when a girl "does" talk, but the conversation is really boring. So, since I can get ahold of her every time, and talk for as long as I want to, I don't suspect anything wrong (just being plain bored). But then, later, it turns out that she lost interest. Have you experienced that?

However, what you just wrote might still be relevant. Because the "boring" phone call was probably initiated by me. So maybe a way to avoid "being fooled" like that is to simply refrain from calling her and wait till she does. In this case, maybe what would have happened is she would have never called and then I would be -- correctly -- "agitated" about her being "busy", as opposed to being "bored" with her being "boring" -- and won't feel fooled later on.

Incidentally, in person, I never approach women myself, for this exact reason. Then women don't approach me either and thats what led me to decide I give off bad signals (the stuff I rant about in other posts) and so since women don't like me in person I went online instead.

But then online my line of behavior is different from in-person. While in person I wait for woman to initiate, online I do initiating myself, all the time. And thats how I end up in situations like this.

So I guess the answer is: apply my in-person behavior to online and don't do initiating in either place. Makes sense. But then, inevitably, follows the next question: what can I do to be attractive enough so women could come to me on their own?
 

kityoume

Active Member
Well, it's called "freezing" I'm not sure that in English there is such a term for relationships. But the type of person is not interested in you and ignores you in the hope that he will not have to explain to you that he does not want to communicate
 

Polchinski

Active Member
Well, it's called "freezing" I'm not sure that in English there is such a term for relationships. But the type of person is not interested in you and ignores you in the hope that he will not have to explain to you that he does not want to communicate

Thanks for teaching me the term. That way I know that this a known concept rather than my own discovery.

I am confused though about the following. In what you just said, you mentioned that the person that is "freezing" is "ignoring me". But in the OP I was discussing situations when girls didn't ignore me, they just acted boring.

Unless I misunderstood what you meant by ignore? Could it be that, in your terminology, "acting boring" is also a form of ignoring -- even though they technically do talk?

In any case, the term I was familiar with before is "Ghosting". And this refers to plainly not talking. So being boring wouldn't be called ghosting -- at least I used to assume it wouldn't.

Now, would "freezing" be a synonym of ghosting (aka not talking) or would it also include the situations when someone is boring?

In other words, should I say that freezing and ghosting are synonymous, or should I say that freezing is a more subtle alternative to ghosting?
 

Polchinski

Active Member
Looking at this thread ‘It’s manipulative’: Parents defend girl who ‘politely’ turned down classmate’s Valentine’s Day request it seems like I have some answers to my question from other people's responses. One thing that was mentioned in that other thread was that when someone is pressured into saying "yes", the relationship doesn't work out well long term, and they even mentioned Charles and Diana.

Well, in two out of three of the examples of "boring" relationships, the girls originally said it won't work, but then I argued them into dating me by telling them I can change. The vast majority of girls wouldn't agree to be with me in those situations, but aforementioned "boring" girls did. Now, I was assuming that them not wanting to be with me was behind us: now they want to be with me. So I simply didn't relate their initial rejection to them "being boring" down the road. But could it be that there is in fact a connection between these two things?

And could it be I am not the first one to find it out -- since this has been mentioned in the other thread without any references to me?

The reason its not intuitive is the following:

1) From the point of view of a timeline, I first "recovered" from initial rejection and then much later a new problem came. So if my recovery from Problem A preceeded the appearance of Problem B, then it seems like Problem A is irrelevant to Problem B

2) From the point of view of "how it feels". The original rejection didn't feel "boring" at all: on the contrary it felt like "every moment counts: I been rejected just based on that slip-up". Yet the subsequent dynamics looked "boring". It wasn't any slip-ups at all, we were presumably together, it was just plain boring.

So maybe "1" and "2" is what makes it so much harder to see. But I guess others are a lot more socially sophisticated than me since they can see those connections despite them not being obvious.
 

theDarkHorse

New Member
This isn't really a common rejection technique but I am sure that some women do indeed, intentionally act boring or obnoxious in the hopes that the man who's trying to pursue them will back off.

From my experience, these are the most common ways that a woman isn't interested in a man.

1. Being "too busy" to meet up.
2. You're texting her and she takes 24+ hours to respond back.
3. You're going out on a date with her and she ends it within 15 minutes.
4. You ask her out and she attempts to bring other people along, preferably other people in your shared social circle group.
5. You're texting her and she leaves you on read.
6. She openly talks about other guys she's interested in while you're around.
 

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