Is it weird that I consider when people compliment or praise me that I don't consider it good my mental health?

[Amethystgirl]

When people praise or compliment me I feel disrespected and at times very upset. I have a lot of self hatred that I would rather if someone I don't know well didn't speak to me rather than praise or compliment me. Is this weird?

 

[Judge]

That particular dynamic is being discussed in an earlier thread:

https://www.autismforums.com/threads/do-you-also-feel-the-dissonance-when-people-talk.50659/

Right or wrong, I have ended a lifetime relationship with my brother over such an issue. I just see no solution to this sort of thing relative to how NTs see this as opposed to NDs.

Accepting Compliments While Autistic — THINKING PERSON'S GUIDE TO AUTISM

 

[vergil96]

It's self destructive

You want to be treated poorly. Nobody deserves it, everyone is just their own person and has better and worse traits. Nobody is better or worse than others, essentially.

Maybe it's related to trauma? And how you were treated in the past. Victims of abuse (domestic, school) tend to rationalise it and develop a poor self image - so that they don't have a cognitive dissonance or as an adaptive mechanism to "lay low" and not fight someone they couldn't win with like a parent (a child is completely vulnerable to a parent)

 

[Masked Man]

This is definitely part of what I say when autistic people often misinterpret the behavior of others. So often, we take a compliment as an insult.

We think they're making fun of us, when in reality, that's our own voice in our own head.

And I agree it's not good, nothing good will come of it.

 

[8398]

I have felt that way before. Compliments for me, depend on who's saying it and the context. I can accept compliments many times from strangers. But family is a sensitive issue where I can start to get that, almost offended feeling. I know that people will try to compliment when they feel like a person "needs it" or thinks they have low self-esteem so they pull a compliment out of their ass. I can just sort of tell the difference. And it means a lot coming from these particular family members, so I hate the awkward ones where it feels like they're just trying to compliment for another reason. (Complimenting me in a way that's very unlike them to make up for something they did earlier for example) It takes me a lot of courage to compliment someone else and I'll always mean it so, of course it feels disrespectful for others to use it on me as some kind of tool.

 

[RemyZee]

I have felt like compliments come off as being manipulative. Don't know why I feel that way.

 

[Xinyta]

When people praise or compliment me I feel disrespected and at times very upset. I have a lot of self hatred that I would rather if someone I don't know well didn't speak to me rather than praise or compliment me. Is this weird?

It's not weird, but it is self-destructive.

I know autism can play a role with misunderstanding what's said. But alot of times, it's out inner trama speaking over people. Though bad mental health tends to make us inclined to want to see the negative in everything. Then add the issues autism can cause with socail situations. It tends to compound intensely.

It takes alot more for us ASD folks suffering from mental health problems, to try to ignore the negativity our brain is screaming at us. It's absolute hell. But it can be changed.

 

[Amethystgirl]

I don't like praise or compliments because I feel I don't deserve it. I'm not happy about things in my past and I refuse to change the way I feel.

 

[Xinyta]

Holding on will not accomplish anything.

Here is the little dirty secret. Your past doesn't define you. But it certainly can help you learn and continue on through experience. But dwelling over EVERY LITTLE THING that went wrong, will never do anything but inflict turmoil.

You don't forget past experiences. But you are by no means obligated to be emotionally self-tormented because any of it happened. It's a choice. It's always been a choice.

It's fine to be bothered by it. It's fine to be sad about it. It's fine to be angry about it. But here is the question:

What are you going to do about it?

 

[SpectralGardener]

When people praise or compliment me I feel disrespected and at times very upset. I have a lot of self hatred that I would rather if someone I don't know well didn't speak to me rather than praise or compliment me. Is this weird?

It doesn't sound to me like its really about the compliments themselves or the way they are given but that you don't feel you deserve them? I would say this sounds like a self-esteem and self-worth narrative loop you are stuck in. This can happen due to past trauma or not meeting someone else's expectations of "acceptable behavior" as an Autistic person. Sometimes autistic people are also blamed by "neurotypical" standards of being insensitive or too intense when its really a misunderstanding of our hyper-empathy styles. Some of your "mistakes" may have just been "misunderstandings", don't let other people write your internal story for you, living authentically is healing.

All humans make mistakes and it doesn't make us any less human, and its also normal to feel the feelings you are feeling but not healthy if they persist or become to overwhelming. That is a sign you may not feel safe being your true authentic self in the the majority of your obligatory or voluntary social environments. If those around you are responsible for these feelings of self-worth, there are other people out there who will treat you with the respect you deserve, you just need to look for them. You don't need to associate with everyone who demeans you and it is harmful if you allow others to do that to you without speaking up or removing yourself from the situation for your own sake.

Are they genuine compliments we are talking about or a bit backhanded because they are acknowledging "improvement" after underestimating you in the first place? Do they treat you as immature and childish much of the time or make you feel you are being underestimated in many respects?

These are all unintentional micro-aggresions neurotypical people unknowingly inflict on autistic people thinking they are being "helpful" when really they are being demeaning.

You are worthy of compliments but you don't also have to like them, especially if they don't feel sincere or are not coming from the right perspective of who you are. If you want to ask people to limit or be careful about compliments, that is OK and you are allowed to do that, we are all different and that is not "Wrong" if it feels right to you.

 

[Amethystgirl]

I don't compliments or praise, it makes me feel uncomfortable. And to be honest, if someone asks or talks about me making friends with other people also makes me uncomfortable unless someone knows someone else who wants to be friends with me I don't feel comfortable talking about that subject unless I start the conversation about making friends. I've just been hurt many times.

 

[RemyZee]

A lot of people bond over compliments but for us autistics we tend to be so straightforward and people make false compliments and empty ones, which is something a lot of autistic people have a hard time with. I'm uncomfortable when someone compliments me because I wonder if they're really being truthful or just sucking up.. People will compliment each other when they don't have anything else to say. I do have a hard time with the "I like your new shoes, eye shadow, shirt, etc etc" and that kind of talk really bugs me. But when someone compliments me on something I'm truly proud of it's like flying.

 

[Masked Man]

I guess I'm different in that I usually understand when someone is truly complimenting me and when they are giving me a back-handed compliment (underhanded insult).

For the times when someone compliments me and I don't feel like it's deserved, I still thank the person for being nice. Because I don't feel it's my place to tell someone else what to do or think. If they're impressed with me, then okay. Who am I to tell them otherwise?

This is an aspect I don't entirely understand with other autists. I guess it comes from self-hatred. But I would not be able to make too many friends by hating myself and pushing others away from me.

 

[Chonebox]

I am indifferent to compliments. It's just how I am.

 

[Judge]

I guess I'm different in that I usually understand when someone is truly complimenting me and when they are giving me a back-handed compliment (underhanded insult).

Definitely an asset to have in real time. One I certainly lack, much like I cannot process sarcasm well in real time either. With compliments I have to dwell on them long after the fact to really accept whether or not they are genuine.