Is "Ghosting" common with someone with Aspergers?

[Judge]

Meeting someone online is just a very different experience for many of us in comparison with meeting them in person for the very first time.

 

[SNT]

try and get him to open up HES sensitive so say you DONT want to be alone in a strange country if HES not prepared for contact did he seem psychologically secure to you a lot of people are very insecure

He's sensitive when he feels like he may have done something wrong, but I think that's how most people are. Other than that, he seems pretty secure, other than his shyness.

 

[SNT]

Meeting someone online is just a very different experience for many of us in comparison with meeting them in person for the very first time.

I can understand that. I'm nervous about it too, but I'm realizing that it's not to the same degree, and that for him, this may be a very unsettling situation. I will do what I can to reassure him, but I think that mostly means giving him space right now. I feel like a bit of a jerk for not seeing it clearly from his perspective before. But that's why I asked for your thoughts. He's really wonderful, so hopefully I can keep learning and getting better at being his friend.

 

[Judge]

I can understand that. I'm nervous about it too, but I'm realizing that it's not to the same degree, and that for him, this may be a very unsettling situation. I will do what I can to reassure him, but I think that mostly means giving him space right now. I feel like a bit of a jerk for not seeing it clearly from his perspective before. But that's why I asked for your thoughts. He's really wonderful, so hopefully I can keep learning and getting better at being his friend.

LOL. Sometimes I'd prefer to quantify such "nervousness". Where for what might be a 3 out of ten for many NTs might be 39 for us Aspies.

The truth though with all kidding aside, even the most mundane social interactions may in reality be physically, mentally and emotionally arduous for many of us. Where afterwards we require a certain degree of solitude to "recharge our batteries". And that it's nothing personal. Something critical for you to understand.

 

[SNT]

LOL. Sometimes I'd prefer to quantify such "nervousness". Where for what might be a 3 out of ten for many NTs might be 39 for us Aspies.

The truth though with all kidding aside, even the most mundane social interactions may in reality be physically, mentally and emotionally arduous for many of us. Where afterwards we require a certain degree of solitude to "recharge our batteries". And that it's nothing personal. Something critical for you to understand.

I do understand that NOW, thanks to everyone's help here. And he hasn't unfriended me on facebook, so I'm hopeful that's a good sign. I need to learn some patience! I can't thank you enough for your advice and help. I appreciate it more than I can say.

 

[Judge]

I do understand that NOW, thanks to everyone's help here. And he hasn't unfriended me on facebook, so I'm hopeful that's a good sign. I need to learn some patience! I can't thank you enough for your advice and help. I appreciate it more than I can say.

It just sounds a lot like what I'd likely do. That the closer I got to the day I met you in person, the less I'd want to speak to you online. Not dreading it, but simply being nervous about it and wanting to preserve whatever energy we expend in more stressful social situations. Again, try not to take it personally. It's about us- not you.

Minor social issues which may seem incidental to you, may be monumental to us. It may not make much sense, but it's who- and what we are.

 

[SNT]

It just sounds a lot like what I'd likely do. That the closer I got to the day I met you in person, the less I'd want to speak to you online. Not dreading it, but simply being nervous about it and wanting to preserve whatever energy we expend in more stressful social situations. Again, try not to take it personally. It's about us- not you.

Minor social issues which may seem incidental to you, may be monumental to us. It may not make much sense, but it's who- and what we are.

Hopefully, I've made a few new friends here today. I'm headed to dinner now, so thank you all again, and please have a wonderful evening.

 

[SNT]

It just sounds a lot like what I'd likely do. That the closer I got to the day I met you in person, the less I'd want to speak to you online. Not dreading it, but simply being nervous about it and wanting to preserve whatever energy we expend in more stressful social situations. Again, try not to take it personally. It's about us- not you.

Minor social issues which may seem incidental to you, may be monumental to us. It may not make much sense, but it's who- and what we are.

I feel like a light bulb has gone on, and I feel like I understand so much more than I did before posting here. Thank you so much for your insight and your help.

 

[Momo]

Ghosting isn't that uncommon, especially online. Heck, I have this tendency to do it in real life, whether intentionally or not.

 

[Maelstrom]

I've experienced this, sadly, with someone who has borderline personality disorder. No explanation, nothing. Gone forever and we were very close. She eventually contacted me after about ten months and said she'd do anything to have me back in her life, but it didn't happen.

My little aspie princess friend is Ghosting me presently!
No real reason other than I liked her too much too soon I guess?
I miss her!
-------------------------------------
I hate to say it but I have ghosted people I guess in the past...it was not a intentional thing just couldn't handle stuff and bailed....Sigh!

This is the one Autism thing that really hurts!

 

[Tyrantus1212]

I feel like someone else is more likely to ghost me than me ghosting someone. I would only ghost people who act scum towards me, and right now I don't really know a lot of people in general. I've had my fair share of bullying and I've simply blocked the biggest and meanest ones on Facebook...ghosted!! I've never been in a romantic relationship, but I worry about being ghosted when it comes to my friends.

I'm always paranoid about my friends ghosting me, and that in turn comes from low self-esteem. Each time I notice a lag in communication between me and them, I end up getting worried and actually asking them if they're mad or still want to be friends. They tell me not to worry...and recently they told me not to worry even if I feel like the lag is too long; they might be going through a very busy period in their lives. I take their word for it, I mean they have done things for me before, including having bought me birthday and Christmas presents. They're fairly new friends, and it's a miracle I even managed to make some in the first place; I used to pretty much be the mayor of Alonesville.

I'm also afraid of them finding out about something I've done in the past out of a lack of understanding things properly and take it the wrong way without giving me a chance to explain. I do so many silly things because I understand the world differently from NT's, and then I constantly just drown in all sorts of regret. What if they also take one of the future things the wrong way and end up ghosting me? Do people have any idea what kind of depression that would bring me into? They do know that I have Asperger's and I don't mean to use it as a get out of jail free card...but I do mean to use it as a reason why they should stay friends with me no matter what, because they know I never intend to anger, hurt or frustrate anyone...just to let them always know that I'm not a jerk (they never thought I was a jerk, but to prevent them from thinking that in the future).

Anyway, I've been applying my doc's method (see here Managing Anxieties - the FLOAT Method) to manage the ghosting anxiety lately; I keep saying to myself that even in the worst case scenario, they'd let me explain and not just jump to conclusions and ghost me out of seemingly nowhere. Like for example - they're a husband and wife, and I said to someone else one day that I wanted to go on a "date" with the wife, and what I really meant was to just grab a burger with no romantic intentions. Not only have I never dated, but I used to also misunderstand the true purpose of a date, thinking it also have non-romantic meanings. Then I kept on worrying about having mentioned this because what if this conversation was somehow recorded by accident, and then someone else would come across the recording and just spread it around like wildfire...and then it would end up reaching the couple, which would result in them ghosting me because they'd think that I have romantic feelings for the wife when I bloody DON'T? This brings up so much regret because I should have just kept my mouth shut, and the way I worry about past deeds that I could have prevented is a whole other branch of anxiety that I just can't handle.

Yet right now I always remind myself that these people DO know I have Asperger's, and knew I did a lot of unusual things before I was discovered to have Asperger's - so no reason for them to just ghost me cold turkey. Not to mention the extreme unlikeliness of the recording scenario (but "unlikely" has no meaning to me usually, because unlikely is not 0%).

 

[SNT]

My little aspie princess friend is Ghosting me presently!
No real reason other than I liked her too much too soon I guess?
I miss her!
-------------------------------------
I hate to say it but I have ghosted people I guess in the past...it was not a intentional thing just couldn't handle stuff and bailed....Sigh!

This is the one Autism thing that really hurts!

I'm sorry. :-(

 

[SNT]

Ghosting isn't that uncommon, especially online. Heck, I have this tendency to do it in real life, whether intentionally or not.

I know it happens in the early stages a lot. But after 9 months, it seems out of character for my friend. I think I just need to give him some space.

 

[SNT]

I feel like someone else is more likely to ghost me than me ghosting someone. I would only ghost people who act scum towards me, and right now I don't really know a lot of people in general. I've had my fair share of bullying and I've simply blocked the biggest and meanest ones on Facebook...ghosted!! I've never been in a romantic relationship, but I worry about being ghosted when it comes to my friends.

I'm always paranoid about my friends ghosting me, and that in turn comes from low self-esteem. Each time I notice a lag in communication between me and them, I end up getting worried and actually asking them if they're mad or still want to be friends. They tell me not to worry...and recently they told me not to worry even if I feel like the lag is too long; they might be going through a very busy period in their lives. I take their word for it, I mean they have done things for me before, including having bought me birthday and Christmas presents. They're fairly new friends, and it's a miracle I even managed to make some in the first place; I used to pretty much be the mayor of Alonesville.

I'm also afraid of them finding out about something I've done in the past out of a lack of understanding things properly and take it the wrong way without giving me a chance to explain. I do so many silly things because I understand the world differently from NT's, and then I constantly just drown in all sorts of regret. What if they also take one of the future things the wrong way and end up ghosting me? Do people have any idea what kind of depression that would bring me into? They do know that I have Asperger's and I don't mean to use it as a get out of jail free card...but I do mean to use it as a reason why they should stay friends with me no matter what, because they know I never intend to anger, hurt or frustrate anyone...just to let them always know that I'm not a jerk (they never thought I was a jerk, but to prevent them from thinking that in the future).

Anyway, I've been applying my doc's method (see here Managing Anxieties - the FLOAT Method) to manage the ghosting anxiety lately; I keep saying to myself that even in the worst case scenario, they'd let me explain and not just jump to conclusions and ghost me out of seemingly nowhere. Like for example - they're a husband and wife, and I said to someone else one day that I wanted to go on a "date" with the wife, and what I really meant was to just grab a burger with no romantic intentions. Not only have I never dated, but I used to also misunderstand the true purpose of a date, thinking it also have non-romantic meanings. Then I kept on worrying about having mentioned this because what if this conversation was somehow recorded by accident, and then someone else would come across the recording and just spread it around like wildfire...and then it would end up reaching the couple, which would result in them ghosting me because they'd think that I have romantic feelings for the wife when I bloody DON'T? This brings up so much regret because I should have just kept my mouth shut, and the way I worry about past deeds that I could have prevented is a whole other branch of anxiety that I just can't handle.

Yet right now I always remind myself that these people DO know I have Asperger's, and knew I did a lot of unusual things before I was discovered to have Asperger's - so no reason for them to just ghost me cold turkey. Not to mention the extreme unlikeliness of the recording scenario (but "unlikely" has no meaning to me usually, because unlikely is not 0%).

Thank you so much for your reply! I'm NT and I have anxiety issues too, so I completely understand what you're saying. In fact, my own anxiety probably has a lot to do with my fear of being ghosted by my Aspie friend. I appreciate your input.

 

[Strong and kind]

Thank you! What you said makes sense to me now, too, and I'm more than willing to give him the space he needs. My only concern is that the trip is in three weeks, and it's across an ocean, so I won't know what to do if he doesn't get back to me in the next few weeks. Stay home? Or go anyway, since he hasn't said he doesn't want me to come? For clarification, I didn't ask for his phone number, although I gave him mine if he needed it. He has never used it, and I have never pushed him to. He gave me his number on his own a few months later, in case I might need to reach him quickly, since he often goes several days without checking his email, but as of yet, I haven't used it either.

Hi, I'm not sure if I missed some text somewhere, but it's hard to respond to your question without knowing how long you've known him and what kind of communication you've had so far. Do you see each other regularly? Do you live in the same city? It seems you had a trip planned somewhere and now he's not responding to you?

I'm still reeling from an almost identical situation with my Aspie ex who was amazing, sweet and respectful and then suddenly after 7 months broke things off in a text and refused to communicate after that. We had a trip abroad planned also, and my whole summer got ruined. Not to mention that I am still sad and miss him.

You sound really intelligent and kind, so maybe trust your instincts, whatever they are. I personally think it's very odd of him to not respond to you if you are going away together soon. But I don't know the extent of your relationship or how much you and he discussed communication styles.

I know a lot of people "ghost" others, whether NT or Aspie. People used to at least write "Dear John" letters or have the guts to say something like "Hey, I like you but I don't feel the same as you" or "I don't think our relationship is right for me" or whatever. If a person doesn't have the capacity to do so over the phone or in person - or even in a text, they person was probably not worth your time to begin with.

I really hope he gets back to you and you can resolve whatever is going on. And also take that trip overseas together!

 

[Maelstrom]

I'm sorry. :-(

Thank you @SNT , I thought she might be the one even tho it was a odd match...maybe God will bring her back some day? or bring me someone new?
She seemed blessed by God but God is hard to read sometimes?
I will do my best, to be my best, and keep hoping!

 

[SNT]

Hi, I'm not sure if I missed some text somewhere, but it's hard to respond to your question without knowing how long you've known him and what kind of communication you've had so far. Do you see each other regularly? Do you live in the same city? It seems you had a trip planned somewhere and now he's not responding to you?

I'm still reeling from an almost identical situation with my Aspie ex who was amazing, sweet and respectful and then suddenly after 7 months broke things off in a text and refused to communicate after that. We had a trip abroad planned also, and my whole summer got ruined. Not to mention that I am still sad and miss him.

You sound really intelligent and kind, so maybe trust your instincts, whatever they are. I personally think it's very odd of him to not respond to you if you are going away together soon. But I don't know the extent of your relationship or how much you and he discussed communication styles.

I know a lot of people "ghost" others, whether NT or Aspie. People used to at least write "Dear John" letters or have the guts to say something like "Hey, I like you but I don't feel the same as you" or "I don't think our relationship is right for me" or whatever. If a person doesn't have the capacity to do so over the phone or in person - or even in a text, they person was probably not worth your time to begin with.

I really hope he gets back to you and you can resolve whatever is going on. And also take that trip overseas together!

Hi, I'm not sure if I missed some text somewhere, but it's hard to respond to your question without knowing how long you've known him and what kind of communication you've had so far. Do you see each other regularly? Do you live in the same city? It seems you had a trip planned somewhere and now he's not responding to you?

I'm still reeling from an almost identical situation with my Aspie ex who was amazing, sweet and respectful and then suddenly after 7 months broke things off in a text and refused to communicate after that. We had a trip abroad planned also, and my whole summer got ruined. Not to mention that I am still sad and miss him.

You sound really intelligent and kind, so maybe trust your instincts, whatever they are. I personally think it's very odd of him to not respond to you if you are going away together soon. But I don't know the extent of your relationship or how much you and he discussed communication styles.

I know a lot of people "ghost" others, whether NT or Aspie. People used to at least write "Dear John" letters or have the guts to say something like "Hey, I like you but I don't feel the same as you" or "I don't think our relationship is right for me" or whatever. If a person doesn't have the capacity to do so over the phone or in person - or even in a text, they person was probably not worth your time to begin with.

I really hope he gets back to you and you can resolve whatever is going on. And also take that trip overseas together!

Sorry, my original post is gone somehow, but here it is again...

Hi,
I'm new here, an NT in an unusual relationship with someone who I strongly suspect is an Aspie male. We met on an online dating site, and have been emailing back and forth for 9 months. The emails are normally once a week. This seems to be what he's comfortable with, and although that may seem infrequent, the emails are very long, and we have talked about almost everything imaginable, including a lot of extremely intimate details in both of our lives. He lives a long distance away, and I recently told him I was thinking of visiting him, which he seemed very happy to hear. I gave him time to think things over, and plently of opportunity to tell me if he wasn't okay with me visiting, but he assured me it was fine, and offered for me to stay with him while I'm there instead of a hotel, which was very thoughtful. He has always been thoughtful and respectful, and we have so much in common that we have become really close as friends. Even though we met on a dating site, he hasn't made any real attempt at taking things to another level. We have flirted, and gone on several "email dates", but that's all. So, I'm thinking that's where things will stay between us, unless he gives me some indication while I'm there that he's interested in me romantically. I would be interested if he is, but I don't want to push it; if friends is all he wants, I'm happy with that, too. He has become very important to me, and I view our "relationship" as special, but not necessarily needing to define it in any way.
Some of the reasons I believe he is an Aspie, though he has never said that he is: Early on, he made a joke about Aspies - nothing horrible, but in retrospect I think he was trying to get an idea of how I felt about autism and Aspies in particular. I didn't know this, so I laughed at his minor joke, although like I said, it was nothing horrible, and I'm not judgmental of anyone's situation in life. He often talks about autism and Aspergers as though he has intimate knowledge of ASD, he has an eidetic memory, he has special interests that he can get really obsessed with, to the exclusion of all else at times, he can often come across as shy, he is extremely intelligent in his special interest areas, he seems to lack an understanding of what's socially appropriate in terms of "dating", meaning that he is still on the same dating site, but he seems to think it's acceptable to meet "friends" there, and depending on his mood, he may ignore things important to most NT women, like how quickly he answers an email about something important to her emotionally, but he will immediately answer anything involving special interests. We also have never spoken on the phone. This may be due to the distance between us because it can be costly, but I get the impression he is uncomfortable with the idea of actually speaking to me. He can be vague and evasive when asking him about his feelings, and will often ignore displays of afftection or questions about emotions if we have already talked about it before. He has mentioned feeling "prickly" in social situations, too.
The reason for the long background, is that we have been emailing about the upcoming visit, and talking about things we'd like to do, and he seems quite involved in all that, but at the same time, he appears to be less and less interested in talking to me. The emails are closer to two weeks apart now, and we had a discussion about this because I got a bit concerned about him or that I might have said something wrong. He said I hadn't and that everything was fine, was very apologetic about taking so long to answer me, saying he had been busy. I apologized too for getting worried over nothing, and told him everything was fine, but now, the same thing is happening all over again, where it's been 10 days and no word from him other than liking something on my facebook page related to his special interest. He did give me his phone number when I booked the trip so I could text him if I needed to reach him quickly, but I feel a bit awkward about using it. I'm getting the idea that maybe he has lost interest in me, and that he may be about to ghost me if he hasn't already done so. What's confusing is his last email was wonderfully sweet, as usual. I don't really understand why the shift in his attention, especially now, when the trip is so close. I'm afraid that he's decided he doesn't want me to visit. And, I also don't feel right emailing him and asking right now, because I feel like I would be bothering him if I did.
So, I care deeply for this man, but being an NT, I am totally confused, and afraid that he may be disappearing, and afraid too, that whatever steps I take next may make the situation worse instead of better.
If anyone has any insight or helpful advice for me, I would greatly appreciate it, since right now, I really don't know what to think or how to feel. Thanks. :?

Thank you so much for your comments and your insight. I'm really sorry that you went through that with your ex.

I'm hoping it hasn't come to that with my Aspie friend, since I really care about him. I only ever want the best for him, so I will try to understand him better and be a better friend to him if I can. Ultimately though, I will respect his wishes, whatever he decides.

 

[Strong and kind]

Hi, I'm not sure if I missed some text somewhere, but it's hard to respond to your question without knowing how long you've known him and what kind of communication you've had so far. Do you see each other regularly? Do you live in the same city? It seems you had a trip planned somewhere and now he's not responding to you?

I'm still reeling from an almost identical situation with my Aspie ex who was amazing, sweet and respectful and then suddenly after 7 months broke things off in a text and refused to communicate after that. We had a trip abroad planned also, and my whole summer got ruined. Not to mention that I am still sad and miss him.

You sound really intelligent and kind, so maybe trust your instincts, whatever they are. I personally think it's very odd of him to not respond to you if you are going away together soon. But I don't know the extent of your relationship or how much you and he discussed communication styles.

I know a lot of people "ghost" others, whether NT or Aspie. People used to at least write "Dear John" letters or have the guts to say something like "Hey, I like you but I don't feel the same as you" or "I don't think our relationship is right for me" or whatever. If a person doesn't have the capacity to do so over the phone or in person - or even in a text, they person was probably not worth your time to begin with.

I really hope he gets back to you and you can resolve whatever is going on. And also take that trip overseas together!

PS. I'm now wondering if you only communicate via email - sometimes things get buried other other messages or end up in spam! I would suggest calling him to make sure your emails went through?

 

[SNT]

Thank you @SNT , I thought she might be the one even tho it was a odd match...maybe God will bring her back some day? or bring me someone new?
She seemed blessed by God but God is hard to read sometimes?
I will do my best, to be my best, and keep hoping!

I'm hopeful for you too.

 

[SNT]

PS. I'm now wondering if you only communicate via email - sometimes things get buried other other messages or end up in spam! I would suggest calling him to make sure your emails went through?

Yes, perhaps you're right. I will give him a call. Thank you.