lui
New Member
(apologizing from start for the bible following)
as it was clearly stated on the title, ive been feeling a lot of impostor syndrome due to my asperger’s diagnosis recently, and thats largely because of 3 reasons: 1. despite the fact i NEVER, EVER mask, i function pretty well on society and i havent been considerably rejected and 2. i dont have memory of, any sings really before i was eight years old and 3. most of my autistic traits could be just my personality, so let me elaborate:
i am very low masking. i cant relate to what many autistics say about masking, specially when talking about their experiences doing so since children and how they’re constantly aware of themselves. i was hardly aware of myself when i was a kid and i mean it. i dont have like a very solid sense of who i was before my late childhood, aside from random memories, and this is worse cause the way i remember myself differs significantly from the way others do: for example, according to my mother, i was a very sociable child when young and i talked with a lot of people, to me, i only hung out with 5 people or my neighbours, i was only close to one and the rest of the time i spent it daydreaming. i didnt got the good old classic feeling that socializing was like to go through a wall but constantly clashing into it until i was 8…but that was when i had just moved to a new city and i really struggled to adapt (like some inside out type ****), and then when i returned to class after the pandemic at 11, so whatever issue i might’ve had could be because of that. bit of a gray area on that cause ive met people who were on similar situations at they did manage to adapt and from what ik they’re neurotypical, but still. hell even my official period of intense exclusion was because i was an asshole to my friends cause i was going through a “edgy/not like other girls” phase as a way to cope with my newfound difficulties (not the best but i have become a better person now), though it makes sense why they stopped talking me altogether, and when that happened (early middle school) i barely talked to others, so i simply remained friendless for some years. bit of a gray area there cause whatever happened with my old friends was a more confusing affair than trying to understand how to get all digits of pi as most middle school friendships and even i am confused of what was even going on, and girls who were worse off than me were given more grace, so yeah.
to add to this point, i also lack many other traits, such as sensory issues (i either lack them or lean more towards hyposensitivity), frustration towards changes in routines (im relatively easy going most of the time, and unless is smth awfully important, it never supasses a mild annoyance), meltdowns/shutdowns (they used to happen when i was a young child, but not now for some reason), the symptom that renders some people unable to change tasks quickly, feeling as if certain social norms dont come naturally to oneself and having to make an EXTRMELY concious effort to follow them, among others. on terms of weird theories, ive thinking that my particular flavor of neurodivergence might be more easy to come unnoticed in my socioeconomic/cultural context (which is to say upper-middle class colombian society) and most nd communities im in are centered in countries that belong to the anglosphere, so most info i have is either directly influenced by such cultural context is filtered through it. i kinda have evidence of it, cause 2 and a half years ago i went to an exchange program to learn english, and i was lucky enough to be able to stay one month in canada, specifically in a canadian christian suburb in the literal middle of nowhere. i greatly enjoyed my stay BUT the thing is i stayed for just one month. nothing more, nothing less. yet by like the first week, my foster’s family parents started to suspect i was autistic…for heaven’s sake they figured it out quicker that my own parents, and my second piece of (bad) evidence would be the hardcore “man…things really DO WORK different there huh???” i experienced while reading unmasking autism by devon price. not to be like “UGHHHH IM SO MAD THIS BOOK WRITTEN IN A DIFFERENT CULTURAL CONTEXT DIDNT REFLECT MY EXPERIENCE WHAT AN USELESS BOOK”, cause it would be unfair and stupid but yeah. made me realize a lot stuff.
moving to the third point, many of my traits can be reduced to stuff that i have always done and prolly will die doing cause is my natural way of being, to put in a way. i think the biggest one is being a disinteresed daydreamer; i have always felt and been a little too inside my own world and my interest on the outside world is far more reduced because of that, i dont notice things people usually do on social contexts and dont even get as half as bothered as most people do, ive never had what i like to call a “social instinct”, which is to say that while i can manage myself on social contexts i almost never seek them myself, much less get significantly interested on them, and while i do admit my current “social instinct” state is pretty bad due to having barely talked to people irl for…years, to this point, is not as if it was particuraliry normal when i was younger, and i do struggle to relate to others because of this, on top of my low empathy lol. and is not as if it is something that raised out of nowhere, as one thing my parents and me do agree on on how i was a child is that i would frequently not mind being alone because i simply didnt care, and not to mention i barely talked to my friends during the pandemic cause i was too busy engagements on a obssesion of mine!. this is not to say im some heartless monster that cant stand anybody, i do want connection to others and i can experience loneliness, but what if im not actually autistic and doctors just confused this with autism (alongside my very visible different speech patterns, which are pretty unfixable and noticable and annoying)?? or maybe being raised by a possibly neurodivergent parent on a family that loves routines influenced my repetitive patterns??? or maybe is just that i have improved socially on recent years by trainning myself on cognitive empathy and that rn i sadly dont have a special interest rn thats making me behave more “normally”??
sorry for the rant, but overall, to have a more clear conclusion, im not asking you to provide an official veredict regarding my neurodivergence, but does this seem like if i had possibly been misdiagnosed? should i talk about this with my therapist next time i see her? and most importantly, do any of you have similar experiences? thank u :33
as it was clearly stated on the title, ive been feeling a lot of impostor syndrome due to my asperger’s diagnosis recently, and thats largely because of 3 reasons: 1. despite the fact i NEVER, EVER mask, i function pretty well on society and i havent been considerably rejected and 2. i dont have memory of, any sings really before i was eight years old and 3. most of my autistic traits could be just my personality, so let me elaborate:
i am very low masking. i cant relate to what many autistics say about masking, specially when talking about their experiences doing so since children and how they’re constantly aware of themselves. i was hardly aware of myself when i was a kid and i mean it. i dont have like a very solid sense of who i was before my late childhood, aside from random memories, and this is worse cause the way i remember myself differs significantly from the way others do: for example, according to my mother, i was a very sociable child when young and i talked with a lot of people, to me, i only hung out with 5 people or my neighbours, i was only close to one and the rest of the time i spent it daydreaming. i didnt got the good old classic feeling that socializing was like to go through a wall but constantly clashing into it until i was 8…but that was when i had just moved to a new city and i really struggled to adapt (like some inside out type ****), and then when i returned to class after the pandemic at 11, so whatever issue i might’ve had could be because of that. bit of a gray area on that cause ive met people who were on similar situations at they did manage to adapt and from what ik they’re neurotypical, but still. hell even my official period of intense exclusion was because i was an asshole to my friends cause i was going through a “edgy/not like other girls” phase as a way to cope with my newfound difficulties (not the best but i have become a better person now), though it makes sense why they stopped talking me altogether, and when that happened (early middle school) i barely talked to others, so i simply remained friendless for some years. bit of a gray area there cause whatever happened with my old friends was a more confusing affair than trying to understand how to get all digits of pi as most middle school friendships and even i am confused of what was even going on, and girls who were worse off than me were given more grace, so yeah.
to add to this point, i also lack many other traits, such as sensory issues (i either lack them or lean more towards hyposensitivity), frustration towards changes in routines (im relatively easy going most of the time, and unless is smth awfully important, it never supasses a mild annoyance), meltdowns/shutdowns (they used to happen when i was a young child, but not now for some reason), the symptom that renders some people unable to change tasks quickly, feeling as if certain social norms dont come naturally to oneself and having to make an EXTRMELY concious effort to follow them, among others. on terms of weird theories, ive thinking that my particular flavor of neurodivergence might be more easy to come unnoticed in my socioeconomic/cultural context (which is to say upper-middle class colombian society) and most nd communities im in are centered in countries that belong to the anglosphere, so most info i have is either directly influenced by such cultural context is filtered through it. i kinda have evidence of it, cause 2 and a half years ago i went to an exchange program to learn english, and i was lucky enough to be able to stay one month in canada, specifically in a canadian christian suburb in the literal middle of nowhere. i greatly enjoyed my stay BUT the thing is i stayed for just one month. nothing more, nothing less. yet by like the first week, my foster’s family parents started to suspect i was autistic…for heaven’s sake they figured it out quicker that my own parents, and my second piece of (bad) evidence would be the hardcore “man…things really DO WORK different there huh???” i experienced while reading unmasking autism by devon price. not to be like “UGHHHH IM SO MAD THIS BOOK WRITTEN IN A DIFFERENT CULTURAL CONTEXT DIDNT REFLECT MY EXPERIENCE WHAT AN USELESS BOOK”, cause it would be unfair and stupid but yeah. made me realize a lot stuff.
moving to the third point, many of my traits can be reduced to stuff that i have always done and prolly will die doing cause is my natural way of being, to put in a way. i think the biggest one is being a disinteresed daydreamer; i have always felt and been a little too inside my own world and my interest on the outside world is far more reduced because of that, i dont notice things people usually do on social contexts and dont even get as half as bothered as most people do, ive never had what i like to call a “social instinct”, which is to say that while i can manage myself on social contexts i almost never seek them myself, much less get significantly interested on them, and while i do admit my current “social instinct” state is pretty bad due to having barely talked to people irl for…years, to this point, is not as if it was particuraliry normal when i was younger, and i do struggle to relate to others because of this, on top of my low empathy lol. and is not as if it is something that raised out of nowhere, as one thing my parents and me do agree on on how i was a child is that i would frequently not mind being alone because i simply didnt care, and not to mention i barely talked to my friends during the pandemic cause i was too busy engagements on a obssesion of mine!. this is not to say im some heartless monster that cant stand anybody, i do want connection to others and i can experience loneliness, but what if im not actually autistic and doctors just confused this with autism (alongside my very visible different speech patterns, which are pretty unfixable and noticable and annoying)?? or maybe being raised by a possibly neurodivergent parent on a family that loves routines influenced my repetitive patterns??? or maybe is just that i have improved socially on recent years by trainning myself on cognitive empathy and that rn i sadly dont have a special interest rn thats making me behave more “normally”??
sorry for the rant, but overall, to have a more clear conclusion, im not asking you to provide an official veredict regarding my neurodivergence, but does this seem like if i had possibly been misdiagnosed? should i talk about this with my therapist next time i see her? and most importantly, do any of you have similar experiences? thank u :33
