I'm stuck in a rut!

[Lemon Zing]

Years ago, I was diagnosed with PDD-NOS after years of loneliness and severe online bullying. Online bullying of the worst kind, too. I went through a lot of key/support workers over the years, but I never really made any friends (like i.e. service users) apart from an older guy I met in college. That's it. One single mate. I will admit though I am socially inept and have OCD, anxiety, and anger problems, because of stress, and people say I smell sometimes.

My support ended in 2014 with this Edinburgh based company, after I had support from them for 6 years. Most of the workers were sarcastic anyway. Plus, I admitted to having crushes on female support staff, but it was all blown out of proportion. People blabbed about me, and a service user who I argued on Facebook with, told my key worker, things. She started to abuse me during my shifts on purpose as she knew I liked her romantically, even though I did nothing all that wrongful. I was scared to tell anybody she was bullying me. Eventually, management removed the women (one was my key worker).

Here's the real kick in the balls...

These women specifically asked not to work with me anymore. OK? So the bosses kept lying to me when I approached them and had a grin on their faces. Keep in mind, their removal occurred months apart. Same garbage. They said they were still my workers, until I figured out it was BS, then if I threw a wobbly, they said this was why they were removed...when they were removed anyhow. It upset me so much that I was deceived, that I threw tantrums. Eventually, I was remanded in jail after being arrested several times and a guy in jail assaulted me. Not long after I was released, I was remanded again, for sending apologies online (a breach of bail, they label it as). The seniors even had the cheek to visit me in jail twice, and say they could have handled things better. Yeah, right.

The court deferred sentencing for months. I wasn't allowed into my flat, because they worked next door. So on bail for months, the court had set up hearings, often like 3 months apart. This dragged on and on. They also requested that I partake in a psychology report prior to being sentenced to a Community Payback Order, which was later multiplied and/or amended, and eventually, all this carry on made me more irritable, as I don't like staying with my family due to the house being a real state.

In the end, I was tricked to sign away my tenancy by the manager (the court knew I could not go back either, but it made them look good getting my signature as opposed to giving me the boot). It's a long story. It was revealed I was duped. All my things are now crammed into one bedroom, and I have to bid on 3 flats per week. I've got the biggest horror DVDs sequels collection in Scotland too (I'll link you to YouTube to verify I'm not exaggerating) and the boxes use up a lot of space. On IMDb, I've got nearly every released horror film with a sequel, or prequel. So go figure!

In May of 2015, the police arrested me yet again - for apologizing. I avoided the police for a few good weeks, but allowed myself to be arrested, thinking it was wise (I was beat). Went up in front of a sheriff a week later after being remanded, and I got 'fully committed for trial' and the local jail sent me to a notorious jail 50 miles from home full of perverts not too long afterwards, because that prison had a protection hall, and I was there until August that year, hanging out with all these sex offender types. When I discovered the ladies had completely left the agency, I was agitated (while I was in hiding over the police scaring me off after they appeared about an old incident). So I sent more apologies and was also remanded again, just for 3 days, after my own doctor shafted me at his practice. I was assaulted in a holding cell beneath the court, and was also abused by my cellmate in jail, who tried to burn me, eat my food, call me names and just act bipolar until he was sentenced on the day I happened to get out. I'll even link you to news pages about some of my cellmates if you want to know who I was banged up with.

Apart from the incidents with those women, a male support worker abused me too. He knew I wanted to find my ex way back in 2008. Well, I did find her - in 2012. All she did was use me for my benefits - after having not seen me for a good 6 years, and her family were horrible to me too. She had me buying her i.e. an iPod and a PS3 games console, then lying to me.

This guy is totally mental. He also sent me emails about 1980s pop songs with comments aimed at me based on the lyrics, and said nasty things about a wrestler called Eddie Guerrero who is dead now. Etc. He admitted years later it was him, allegedly "helping me" to move forward. I'm not even sure why he did all this.

I've had people saying to me that, A, support workers are just idiots. I need to let them do their jobs and that's it, and B, when that stuff with the women originally occurred, all the staff needed to do was issue a warning, and that they've failed at their jobs. I'm not sure what I did to warrant being harassed and stitched-up like this. I've never been able to find support elsewhere, as social workers just try to utilize them as stool pigeons so they deny me funding the support out of my own pocket, or they just dictate how my support package should be used.

 

[Suzanne]

Hi Paul.

I hear you so well; been through similar. Always wanting to do the right thing and always being deliberately misunderstood and used as a scape goat.

I also have deep anger issues and can fair up so fast, when I see or hear injustice. Never attacked anyone, just get very red and need to be alone. Actually could do with a punch bag.

You have come to the right forum, for in one way or another, most of us can echo with things you have said.

It is the pits to be attracted to someone and the abuse that. I sure hope she gets a taste of her own medicine.

Not that this is related: but there are people who NT's who are fighting for the right to own their own culture and because of this, they are being slammed in similar ways to you describing.

My faith keeps me from sinking.

 

[Chance]

Hi Paul and welcome...

You had lots of stuff happen no doubt... I hope you can just settle in and soak up the fact that we are all different. I had to become who I wasn't to make it to adult hood to simply stay alive. That turned into major mental health issues where I was having severe panic attacks and nervous disorders that may never go away. You might also be dealing with PTSD and that alone may be causing lots of this warring back and forth.

Just breathe buddy... Settle in and read. I have read and read on here and suddenly I see people who are hurting and overcoming, and depressed and overcoming and slipping back in... Its all in what seems to be cycles... It will get better, it might take some time, but as you focus on bettering your life it will get better.

If you focus on fighting the system then you will be in for the fight of your life. I'm never saying give up at all... Never give up - just reinvent you to become the best version of yourself and in that a lot of the turmoil will just fall aside. I'm not a turmoil person. I'm so logical that it makes people mad at me because I don't factor in emotions very much. I just look for ways to bring me some form of peace in a world that cant even define it, or seem to want any part of it.

It can get better... Its going to be very dependent on your mindset and what you focus on.

 

[Keigan]

Wow - lots of stuff going on there.

I like the advice from @Chance . Good luck, you need to start with your own actions.

 

[Lemon Zing]

Thanks for the support. It seems because we are what the system labels as "vulnerable adults," these 'neurotypical' nasties think they can get away with this, because we may come across as naive and nobody would believe us over them. Unfortunately, because the legal system is already bent, it means that when the carers present their false accusation cases (he/she sexually abused me), they think we are the ones crying "wolf" (I mean, one of these women is Spanish and overreacted when I tried to have a friendly talk because the other staff hounded me during my other attempts, and she hopped into a taxi in the street) and so it's the care professionals that always win, even though they are usually the ones at fault (I don't think someone in my position was treated fairly).