saigetic
Member
i feel pathetic. i came here hoping that if i asked for help online then everything in my real life would coincidentally get better. maybe my parents would magically start supporting me and i'd realize i didn't need this site. that i had been victimizing myself all along like how i'm somtimes convinced i am.
no.
it's getting worse.
i wish i could put a name what i felt and possibly help myself but it's too much to describe with one word.
it's like a cage around my chest slowly contracting just enough for me to feel like i can't breathe without killing me. it's like constantly needing to cry but i can't. i try so hard to do better yet i still fail because i try too hard. i can never go a day without irritating my parents with my behavior even though i don't know what i'm doing. i'm blind, to my own actions. i never know what i'm saying or doing, or how unhelpful or disrespectful it could be, and they know this.
they know, but they don't help. don't reach out. don't ask me how i am, don't try and give me a support system, don't take me to a therapist, don't get me diagnosed with anything.
they gloat about how responsible they are compared to me. how much larger in age and wisdom they are. and i expected them to live up to that, for my entire. life.
i do good in being responsible for a long while but one wrong mistake and suddenly i "always" make mistakes, or i "always" don't pay attention, so then what i'd done isn't enough.
and when they seem so ignorant and blind to my behaviors it makes it seem as if they purposely ignore me. suddenly, they turn off that insight and responsibility just to not have to bring up my issues or how i could possibly work on my behavior. i feel as if it completely ruins the possibility of them just "not noticing" or struggling with how they were raised. when they've talked so highly of themselves, and i've believed them. i genuinely thought they knew better, or knew when i'd be hurting.
and i don't know what to think anymore.
it's confusing.
it's painful.
and it only hurts more and more by the day when my own parents who i've looked up to and convinced myself aren't as bad as they seem, never get any better.
i don't want to blame them for things they can't control. they're my parents. but they always blame me, for the same thing. i can never speak up because it's backtalking. i can never say how i feel because it'll get dismissed. i can't have my own opinion because i'm "just a child", yet they'll also tell me I'm an adult, and i need to be mature.
for them to switch whenever it conveniences them more never gives me a clear understanding of what i am, or who i get to be at this age.
i feel trapped.
trapped, but too tired to try and give myself some freedom in my own life because i don't know if i'm old enough to have freedom or old enough to still be restrained by rules.
what am i meant to do? am i supposed to put up with this for another two years? i'm shocked i've made it this far, and i barely managed to do that without contemplating suicide or self-harm, which i had been doing.
i don't know if i should have some kind of in depth talk with them, because i've tried that and it always ends in nothing. i really feel stuck. i've tried just supporting myself and realizing my worth, because people say if you just try and do that it'll get better. i've tried going on a calorie deficit for the past (almost) week, and going outside even more than i usually do.
it hasn't helped.
i'm more tired, and i've only lost a pound. i'm too tired to even try and start working out.
if i can't support myself, and my parents can't support me, i don't know what to do anymore.
no.
it's getting worse.
i wish i could put a name what i felt and possibly help myself but it's too much to describe with one word.
it's like a cage around my chest slowly contracting just enough for me to feel like i can't breathe without killing me. it's like constantly needing to cry but i can't. i try so hard to do better yet i still fail because i try too hard. i can never go a day without irritating my parents with my behavior even though i don't know what i'm doing. i'm blind, to my own actions. i never know what i'm saying or doing, or how unhelpful or disrespectful it could be, and they know this.
they know, but they don't help. don't reach out. don't ask me how i am, don't try and give me a support system, don't take me to a therapist, don't get me diagnosed with anything.
they gloat about how responsible they are compared to me. how much larger in age and wisdom they are. and i expected them to live up to that, for my entire. life.
i do good in being responsible for a long while but one wrong mistake and suddenly i "always" make mistakes, or i "always" don't pay attention, so then what i'd done isn't enough.
and when they seem so ignorant and blind to my behaviors it makes it seem as if they purposely ignore me. suddenly, they turn off that insight and responsibility just to not have to bring up my issues or how i could possibly work on my behavior. i feel as if it completely ruins the possibility of them just "not noticing" or struggling with how they were raised. when they've talked so highly of themselves, and i've believed them. i genuinely thought they knew better, or knew when i'd be hurting.
and i don't know what to think anymore.
it's confusing.
it's painful.
and it only hurts more and more by the day when my own parents who i've looked up to and convinced myself aren't as bad as they seem, never get any better.
i don't want to blame them for things they can't control. they're my parents. but they always blame me, for the same thing. i can never speak up because it's backtalking. i can never say how i feel because it'll get dismissed. i can't have my own opinion because i'm "just a child", yet they'll also tell me I'm an adult, and i need to be mature.
for them to switch whenever it conveniences them more never gives me a clear understanding of what i am, or who i get to be at this age.
i feel trapped.
trapped, but too tired to try and give myself some freedom in my own life because i don't know if i'm old enough to have freedom or old enough to still be restrained by rules.
what am i meant to do? am i supposed to put up with this for another two years? i'm shocked i've made it this far, and i barely managed to do that without contemplating suicide or self-harm, which i had been doing.
i don't know if i should have some kind of in depth talk with them, because i've tried that and it always ends in nothing. i really feel stuck. i've tried just supporting myself and realizing my worth, because people say if you just try and do that it'll get better. i've tried going on a calorie deficit for the past (almost) week, and going outside even more than i usually do.
it hasn't helped.
i'm more tired, and i've only lost a pound. i'm too tired to even try and start working out.
if i can't support myself, and my parents can't support me, i don't know what to do anymore.
