I'm Beyond Depressed & I Need A Friend To Talk

[NicoleAscot]

I'm finding it harder and harder to find reasons NOT to commit suicide. (I've done it before. 3 minutes.)
I'm so depressed. I've been awake for 30 hours wishing I could find happiness.
And to wrap the night up, my girlfriend just screamed and cussed at me, then slammed the bedroom door in my face.
I have no one to talk to. No one who could even understand my thoughts.
For anyone like that, wishing for death, what keeps you here? I'm not religious, so it's simply a matter of leaving this planet and the misery.
I just want the pain to stop...

 

[The Penguin]

For anyone like that, wishing for death, what keeps you here?

Been many years I since thought that way. Anyways, I decided to live for myself. I had too many people let me down so decided not to be too dependent on people. Though I don't think this is the answer your looking for, I hope you find that right person one day that will treat you right.

 

[kay]

There are people on here to talk to. Lots of really great people, I have learned so much from the members, stuff I couldn't have learned from a therapist. So sorry you are having to deal with serious depression. This is a good place to be to find people who might understand you a bit. If my response sucks somebody else will have a better response.

Sorry if I am no help. I've been seriously depressed and I know it's hard to get out of that spot. Be patient if you can be and give yourself time and tools to recover. Some moderate exercise, good nutrition, ect... can also be a big help but it will take quite a bit of time.

Depression is an illness really. Treat it as such. Please, oh please get some sleep. Not sleeping has always been the worse possible thing for my depression. And do you have a weighted blanket? Some comfort food? White noise? Chicken noodle soup? Green tea?

What kept me around when I felt super depressed and pretty much just wanted to die? Well, I'm not religious either and I think that's part of why I never killed myself. This life is sorta it, and it's short anyways.

Curiosity is part of what kept me around. Guess I just wanted to see what happens next. Perhaps I'll finally get to see a tornado. That curiosity and being stubborn, too. Oh, I never could quite give up. I'd get mad and start trying again. And I've also found out that no matter what I think might happen I might be wrong. Things have surprised me quite often. Good and bad.

Sometimes thinking about the Holocaust and slaves made me feel guilty for not being happier. My life sucked but could have been so, so much worse. That approach would have never worked though had it came from someone else. But when it came from me it was helpful.

A lot of it was fear. I was too scared to ever do anything like that, no matter how bad the pain.

Your girlfriend sounds kinda mean. Sorry she did that to you.

 

[Streetwise]

do

I'm finding it harder and harder to find reasons NOT to commit suicide. (I've done it before. 3 minutes.)
I'm so depressed. I've been awake for 30 hours wishing I could find happiness.
And to wrap the night up, my girlfriend just screamed and cussed at me, then slammed the bedroom door in my face.
I have no one to talk to. No one who could even understand my thoughts.
For anyone like that, wishing for death, what keeps you here? I'm not religious, so it's simply a matter of leaving this planet and the misery.
I just want the pain to stop...

do you know the pain would stop if you died
have you eaten low blood sugar wont help.or dehydration is there anything that makes you calm that ISNT self harming
i committed suicide DIDNT stop the pain for long and then you will be prevented from getting the normal amount of your antidepressants if you overdose and it cost me a lot to go a get a weeks supply for months
could you do anything to be less stressed at this moment
i still get suicidal but i HAVENT tried again sleeping then moving about a little helps and going outside and watching the birds helps a little for me its all the little bits lying on a memory foam mattress doing a little bit of house maintenance
its whats called mindfulness

 

[Tyrantus1212]

Wow, Nicole - I'm appalled by how your girl friend treated you. Like I said in the previous post, suicide is never a solution, God put us on this planet for a reason. For multiple reasons. You made the right decision by joining AC and be assured that you have plenty of friends here. Just like Kay I've learned so much from the members here, gained so much insight on Asperger's, and with the help of these wonderful people I let my therapist know that Asperger's is NOT a disability. I'm learning so much from here and so will you

You have so much to live for Nicole, we all do - and that includes the purposes you have in life; those aforementioned purposes God gave you. If anyone ever mistreats you or starts ignoring you, well - they do NOT deserve you as a friend. It's their loss. Forget about them, they don't exist. The right people will come along! I've been friends with these really nice people for almost 2 years who appreciate me for what I am; they're looking deeper and they know I always mean well. I've been searching for a good friend or two for YEARS before meeting these people, so never give up hope!! You are a good person, always keep that in mind.

I struggle but I know there's always hope! I go through anxiety-free moments in life and I just occupy myself with things that I love doing, things that I look forward to doing; hobbies. At work I write software that facilitates the lives of oil and gas workers and it makes me feel good that I've helped someone out in the oil and gas industry. And never forget - hope! Every day brings on something new, good new. You never know what tomorrow will bring...so keep on hoping, keep on enjoying your hobbies, you will always have something to live for, something to look forward to. You will always have purposes in life, and reasons to live.

You are NEVER alone, there will always be people who appreciate you; these people are another reason to live for. We here at AC are your friends and you can always talk to us about anything! We're here to help, to relate - so don't be shy

 

[Bolletje]

It's been two years since I was last suicidal, and I hope I won't ever go back to feeling that way. I'm sorry you're there now, I know how hopeless everything must feel at the moment.
What kept me from attempting suicide was realizing how much impact a suicide has on those left behind. Even when you feel like no one cares, there's almost always people that do, that will feel terrible not only over your loss, but also wondering if it's their fault, if they could have done anything to prevent it. And think of the mental scarring for the unsuspecting person that would find your lifeless body. Not the most pleasant of surprises either.

A family friend struggling with depression killed himself over 10 years ago and I've seen the ripples of depression that spread afterwards, and the pain it still causes 10 years later. I'm not mad at him, but it has taught me that suicide will never be the answer for me.

 

[tee]

I've had some pretty big struggles with depression. I've been pretty debilitated by it (even with a little cutting at one point) but haven't gotten to the point of serious suicidal thoughts, so I don't know exactly what you're going through, but I hope you can cling on to some hope. Everyone's depression is unique so I hate to give you advice based on my experiences since it might not apply to you (and it can be very maddening as a depressed person when people are too assertive with advice and not being thoughtful about how unique my situation is) but I'll try a couple suggestions in case one pops out at you.

Sometimes sensory things can really mess with people on the spectrum. When I'm doing bad I try to remind myself with the words "small simple and slow". I focus on very small things and do tasks very slowly and wait for my mind to process what I'm doing and have some hopefully positive emotional reaction. Sometimes I'll watch a movie without sound and just focus on small visual things and how they make me feel. Small things and details tend to be associated with less painful emotions/memories or something I guess so it can change my thought patterns and help a little. Imagining (or actually) touching the small things I focus on with repetitive movements can help me too since there can be a lot of comfort in repetition on the spectrum.

Also, speaking of painful memories, I noticed on your intro post you have PTSD. I don't have PTSD but I've read about it because I can obsess about bad memories a lot. You might know way more about treating it than me, but something I read once has helped me a lot. When I associate images in my head with painful memories it helps me to try to pretend like I was focused on something else in the memory (maybe something small), if that makes sense. For example, if I have an image of a person in my head that is associated with a painful emotion, I pretend like at the time I was focused on the floor or something else. It sounds stupid but for some reason its really worked for me to "hijack" painful memories so to speak and take control.

Anyway, that probably isn't helpful but I thought I'd share some of my experiences if it helps. I find that a lot of my strategies for depression work really well and then suddenly stop working so its like a constant struggle to find new strategies. I tried to mention the two that have been more consistent for me at least.

I worry about giving advice sometimes because since everyone is so unique I'm afraid something I suggest will make things worse. I know when people give me advice sometimes it can make things worse.
Its so hard to communicate emotional ideas and I wish more people appreciated that more sometimes and tried harder to listen and discuss and not assume. I hope you can find some good feelings though and please keep fighting! I'm going to worry about you a little now and I know there's others out there who will probably do the same (not that you should worry about people worrying, but hopefully its nice to know people care).

 

[Momo]

My reason for living, quite simply put, is to leave something worthy of my effort before I die. Plain and simple. Because once you're in the grave, no one will give a damn about you, and you will be forgotten in no time. But if you leave something, something that actually makes a difference, then it isn't your name they'll remember, but the mark you left on the world. No one needs to know your name when it's what's beneath your name, your soul that counts. Don't let yourself die until you know deep down that your work is complete. You may never be truly happy, but none of us are, and that empty feeling may never leave, and it usually doesn't, but you can learn to love it. It's not your mistakes that define you, or your past, or what people think of you, it's what you think of yourself, and don't let those other idiots tell you who you are because they don't know you. Enlightenment, wisdom, is found through suffering, and you'll know far more than they ever will.

 

[Hopeless_Aspie_Guy]

My life since 2011 has been gradual increasing depression and anxiety, so I can talk from experience sadly. One important thing to remember is the fact that you have ups and downs and you'd never want to leave this world just because you were on a down at the time as you might feel surprisingly better the next morning. Seek help and support from people in real life, not just on here (professionals, friends and family), don't hold things back from people, you need to be an open book. Look for the right kinda medication too, mine at least stops me from breaking down into tears everyday like I had been earlier this year.

 

[Jet Weiss]

I struggle with depression as well. At some points it has been completely hopeless. I have even had issues with self harm and suicidal thoughts.
However...
My dad committed suicide and I have seen the devastating impact it has made on his loved ones. My mum will never be the same. I am also heartbroken and his death has left me with a lot of things unanswered. At times I feel angry and other times I just feel like there must have been something I could have done to save him and I feel like I failed him. This had brought me to the conclusion that suicide is not a choice that I wish to make.

The way your girlfriend is treating you doesn't sound healthy imo.

My reply may not be that helpful and I'm sure it has been said better by others, but you do not have to feel like you're alone.

 

[ksheehan88]

Firstly, you are not alone.

Secondly, the girlfriend sounds like a dick. Negativity will breed negativity. If she cannot support you, let her go, that kind of behaviour won't help you.

Thirdly, although I know well how hard it is, remind yourself this feeling IS temporary. The very fact you are here asking for help tells me you have hope. Write it, scream it, whisper it, sing it - "this is temporary, I will feel better, I just need to let it wash over me" let yourself feel the sadness, but don't let it consume you.

 

[OlLiE]

For me taking control of my life and embracing my logical thinking helped. I found that everything is easier to deal with when i started considering myself a self contained unit. For me this meant accepting that i was different and determining what happiness means for me. I learned to refuse to let the world outside tell me 'what i need to have' or 'need to be' to be happy. I have taught myself to not be dependent on others for my happiness. The hardest thing for me was to accept that i would never experience happiness as other people do. On the upside I don't feel sorrow and unhappiness as deeply as others do either.
As soon as I let go of other people's expectations, judgements and definitions regarding my life, the sooner I was able to focus on those things that I do enjoy in my own way. Happiness is not something you find, it is something you make to your own image. My life got so much easier when i just let external expectations go: what is a good career, how should a relationship be, what should make me happy, what i should enjoy doing. The hardest part was finding a partner that understood, and giving them a translation manual. If someone cares for you and accepts you it is doable, it just takes work and a lot of talking. Everyone else can just go away. No harm no foul, just never take it personally or as a judgment.

 

[The Penguin]

I struggle but I know there's always hope! I go through anxiety-free moments in life and I just occupy myself with things that I love doing, things that I look forward to doing; hobbies. At work I write software that facilitates the lives of oil and gas workers and it makes me feel good that I've helped someone out in the oil and gas industry. And never forget - hope! Every day brings on something new, good new. You never know what tomorrow will bring...so keep on hoping, keep on enjoying your hobbies, you will always have something to live for, something to look forward to. You will always have purposes in life, and reasons to live.

The stuff I do with my job, my hobbies and my camping trips is something I use worth living for.

 

[tee]

I'm so depressed. I've been awake for 30 hours wishing I could find happiness.

I'm wondering if you've been able to get any sleep and feel any relief since you posted.

 

[NicoleAscot]

No, I am in a very ugly place. I haven't even slept yet. I appreciate everyone's comments and advice.
I read everything and I was just so depressed I couldn't seem to find the strength to type a response to anyone. Sorry.
I'm sitting here just trying to figure out what to do. I've barely been out of bed for DAYS.

 

[Streetwise]

could you talk to someone on a crisis line i think that the only time i talk to g~d a lot is when IM almost catatonic and even then i use the picture bible as i DONT have profound comprehension, in the biblical psychological department IM still a baby spiritually!!!!!!! or maybe a foetus

No, I am in a very ugly place. I haven't even slept yet. I appreciate everyone's comments and advice.
I read everything and I was just so depressed I couldn't seem to find the strength to type a response to anyone. Sorry.
I'm sitting here just trying to figure out what to do. I've barely been out of bed for DAYS.

 

[tee]

No, I am in a very ugly place. I haven't even slept yet. I appreciate everyone's comments and advice.
I read everything and I was just so depressed I couldn't seem to find the strength to type a response to anyone. Sorry.
I'm sitting here just trying to figure out what to do. I've barely been out of bed for DAYS.

I'm sad to hear your still feeling so bad. I haven't figured out my depression so I'm struggling to find the secret of relief too, but I listen to music a lot, watch tv, play games, and go for walks a lot so those things might be the things that keep me going at least as much as I am. Sometimes it feels like my depression is fueled by thoughts I can't help having, so maybe it could help if you share your thoughts with someone you trust. One of my biggest struggles is processing my thoughts in a way I can articulate honestly, and trusting people enough to share with them so I know that its a lot harder than it sounds.

 

[OlLiE]

Are you talking to a professional? Feeling the way you do must be awful, i've had similar feelings, also had really dark periods and contemplated it, but i have never tried it, just thought about it.

But having not slept adequately can't be helping your ability to deal with what you are feeling, to put it into perspective or to look beyond the here and now to see that the future can be better, one step at a time.

Tomorrow can be better, it doesn't have to be like today. The past few months haven't been very good for me, not as intense as your situation though, i got advice from a psychiatrist, started taking medication, started talking to a professional focused on autistic people and now i'm starting to have a few better days. It's a process. Trusting that healthcare professionals mean well and are there to help me got me started on getting better. The first step was the hardest, now accepting help is easier.

 

[Questella]

I'm finding it harder and harder to find reasons NOT to commit suicide. (I've done it before. 3 minutes.)
I'm so depressed. I've been awake for 30 hours wishing I could find happiness.
And to wrap the night up, my girlfriend just screamed and cussed at me, then slammed the bedroom door in my face.
I have no one to talk to. No one who could even understand my thoughts.
For anyone like that, wishing for death, what keeps you here? I'm not religious, so it's simply a matter of leaving this planet and the misery.
I just want the pain to stop...

Fear of screwing it up and just becoming permanently disabled to ending up on suicide watch. That and the fear that my cats would become abandoned, put out on the street or put down. I have to protect them.