utterbutter7
New Member
I have lived my whole life in denial of who I am, because my parents never accepted me as who I am, and constantly foisted their hopes for an ideal son on me. I went to mainstream schools, and did well in major exams. However, I had problems concentrating in class. I was always preoccupied with any perceptions people had of me. I always felt like I was hiding something sinister. My mask, was a confident, well-adjusted, humorous person. Even the way I walked was imitated by looking at the good-looking guys in my class. My face was shaped by the constant tensing of my facial muscles and the copious amount of sports I used to play as a teenager. And through trial and error I was eventually able to project that image almost effortlessly in intimate small-group situations and with people who knew 'me'(the projected me) very well.
Things started to fall apart when I got conscripted into the army, and I felt so different from my army mates. The environment that I built in my life to remind myself that I am a normal person like everyone else was no longer around. I ended up being diagnosed with multiple mental illnesses, schizophrenia, OCD, and depression, though my doctors disagree now with my schizophrenia diagnosis. I always wondered what was it that ailed me, for I would try so hard to live a normal life like getting a job, having close friends, but always end up failing. I also struggled with pornography addiction, and no matter how hard I tried, I would always end up going back to it in my frustration. It does feel like my autistic child inside does not know how to control the NT persona and body image with its attendant sexual drives.
As I have slowly come to terms with my artificially created persona and my true self, I start to notice certain signs of autism. I used to be extremely shy, and constantly needed prodding by my parents to interact with friends. I also constantly rehearse social interactions with the NT voice in my head, sometimes even dreaming of conversations with friends where I am a confident, well-adjusted man. I love to draw symbols or words that come into my mind in the air with my finger when I am feeling stressed or have nothing else to do. When I walk, I am constantly touching my thumb and index/middle finger together.
I also have always had trouble maintaining eye contact with just about anyone, which I used to explain away as myself having an inferiority complex towards my peers. This especially happens after I successfully pull off the disguise of a confident person in an intimate setting, then when for example the group disperses, any attention on me just makes me uncomfortable and shifty-eyed. And, my disguise crumbles whenever there are new friends in the group.
As a result there is a great variance in my confidence, eloquence and poise among different groups of people. Recently when I am alone I have felt the need to stick out my tongue and wag it from left to right repeatedly. My intuition tells me that I was born autistic, but in an unaccepting family environment felt the need to convince everyone I was normal, in order not to disappoint my parents. Would you agree with my view?
Things started to fall apart when I got conscripted into the army, and I felt so different from my army mates. The environment that I built in my life to remind myself that I am a normal person like everyone else was no longer around. I ended up being diagnosed with multiple mental illnesses, schizophrenia, OCD, and depression, though my doctors disagree now with my schizophrenia diagnosis. I always wondered what was it that ailed me, for I would try so hard to live a normal life like getting a job, having close friends, but always end up failing. I also struggled with pornography addiction, and no matter how hard I tried, I would always end up going back to it in my frustration. It does feel like my autistic child inside does not know how to control the NT persona and body image with its attendant sexual drives.
As I have slowly come to terms with my artificially created persona and my true self, I start to notice certain signs of autism. I used to be extremely shy, and constantly needed prodding by my parents to interact with friends. I also constantly rehearse social interactions with the NT voice in my head, sometimes even dreaming of conversations with friends where I am a confident, well-adjusted man. I love to draw symbols or words that come into my mind in the air with my finger when I am feeling stressed or have nothing else to do. When I walk, I am constantly touching my thumb and index/middle finger together.
I also have always had trouble maintaining eye contact with just about anyone, which I used to explain away as myself having an inferiority complex towards my peers. This especially happens after I successfully pull off the disguise of a confident person in an intimate setting, then when for example the group disperses, any attention on me just makes me uncomfortable and shifty-eyed. And, my disguise crumbles whenever there are new friends in the group.
As a result there is a great variance in my confidence, eloquence and poise among different groups of people. Recently when I am alone I have felt the need to stick out my tongue and wag it from left to right repeatedly. My intuition tells me that I was born autistic, but in an unaccepting family environment felt the need to convince everyone I was normal, in order not to disappoint my parents. Would you agree with my view?
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