Ignorant bliss turns to denial

[On the Inside]

I have been piecing together my journey towards being diagnosed Aspie and am trying to determine at what point (roughly speaking) my blissful ignorance turned to denial. I'm interested in looking at the process of how I went from ignorance and denial, towards understanding and acceptance.

I'll explain a little.

Long ago, I knew I was different than my friends (mostly a bunch of misfits and oddballs) very different from "normal" people, and downright clueless that this was because of some neurological difference. I just thought I was "different" and all was good. Well, not really, I struggled with things even my weirdo friends seemed to be able to navigate, like college, relationships, moving on to higher paying work, moving to parts of the country where they were happier, that sort of thing. But still, I just thought I was different, and kept the idea alive that I was working towards bigger things, my happiness, eventually I would find love.

Then I started to feel left out, left behind, even some of my old friends were beginning to think I was a bit strange. I wasn't finding happiness, wasn't progressing in a career, was still living in my home town, even though my interests would be better explored elsewhere. Instead of questioning why, I doubled down on my positions and got really stuck in a rut, but refused to see that something was wrong. My mental state was spiraling down, but I tried hard to pretend that I had things under control.

Then my anxiety got the best of me, I was not just struggling, I was failing. So I finally sought the help of a therapist, and after four years of chasing after answers was diagnosed with Aspergers, and started to get my anxiety treated.

I can't quite see where I transitioned from that ignorant bliss to denial; what made things go from different but happy, to weird, unhappy and in denial. It is a good thing it happened, because it was the start of me working towards recognition, diagnosis and acceptance of who I really am.

For better or worse, this leaves me in my late forties beginning anew, with a better understanding of myself, a clearer picture of my life and how it has unfolded, great compassion and forgiveness of my old self, who really gave himself a beating he didn't deserve. And along with that, hopefully, the ability to make the best of what I have left.

Has anyone else been able to chart their progress along the path out of ignorance and denial towards understanding and acceptance?

 

[Harrison]

My journey has been very similar to yours, I was always the oddball and some liked me for that whilst others would see it as an opportunity for violence. I was 'lucky' in that my special interest became my career and my weirdness simply became part of the job, the eccentric lecturer/researcher was nothing new to the world and I played it well. I never had a problem attracting females and would go from one relationship to another wondering why they never worked, why I became 'hated' after a time. In that respect I was failing and there were times when I was so hurt I contemplated ending it there and then. My special interest became 'popular' a few decades back and I found my work being reproduced elsewhere with no mention of me. I felt cheated and that drove me further down, and then I lost the one relationship I thought I could keep and the straw broke the camels back which led to the meltdown from hell.

I destroyed everything I had built and walked away, hid myself and took menial jobs desperate to be invisible. One of my remaining friends was a doctor, told me to go and get diagnosed, which I did. My pain turned to relief when I got the results, here was my reason and the missing link in my work. Like you I developed a better understanding of myself but decided at 50 that I would be celibate for the rest of my time here on Earth, I didn't want to inflict myself on anyone else.

Now, at 60, I am reawakening. I have found someone (right here on AC) who understands my condition and still wants to share my journey. Importantly I want to be a part of hers, so there is always hope. Maybe I will revisit my old work and breathe new life into it, the friends I've made here at AC are nothing if not inspiring.

 

[On the Inside]

Thanks, my main purpose of this post is to explore the process of getting into delusional thinking and denial, and then coming out of it with the hope of preventing it from happening again.

Like you, I have felt relief after having a diagnosis that makes sense, and allows me in some way to come out of hiding again.

I am just getting myself to the point where I feel better about myself, and having some hope for a better future, and am cautious about creeping back to being unrealistic.

 

[Aspergirl4hire]

My experience is similar. I valued work about all things, I had a plan for getting there, and high IQ is "protective"--ie, it takes relatively longer for "smart" people to learn about things. Gotta love irony. A lot of high IQ types also have some kind of comorbid issue, so for a long time I read as "quirky" and fit the nerd profile, with a lot of exposure because I do limited socializing. One of the reason my avatar is the polar map is that weird social spike, which meant over and over again I kept going into situations I really wasn't equipped to handle. I don't feel so smart anymore, but learning about myself and differentiating what I do as A4H and who I am as a gifted person--in both sense of the word--is helping.

 

[On the Inside]

Thank you for your reply, I also valued work and the things that I do above all else, it was what I thought defined a person. Led me to believe strongly in my capabilities and intelligence while ignoring the emotional deficiencies I had developed.

It was easy to get into relationships and associations without the right tools and know how, or even being on the same plane as others in terms of what I want and need out of interpersonal relationships.