If you are on the autistic spectrum, are you or have you been in a romantic relationship?

[Wolfiedog]

She was.
i just went along for the ride.
WOOF!!!
i guess i masked well enough to make it look good.

 

[the_tortoise]

Could you explain what you mean to a greater degree?

I can try...but I cannot promise I will make sense. Also this got so long it is in two posts...

Because of this uncertainty:

I provide a link at the bottom of my post to a page that describes different types of attraction, and a link to a very complex and in-depth piece of writing (with some non-explicit and perfectly family-friendly drawings depicting relationship labels in one part) about asexuality as a spectrum.

I also suggest that you may want to do some internet searches of keywords like:

"difference between platonic and romantic"
"difference between romantic and sexual"
"types of intimacy"
"types of platonic intimacy" (usually four are described, or varying numbers but only in the context of romantic relationships -- I found it very difficult to find any kind of itemized list or categorical breakdown of the different types of intimacy overall and gave up before I found any such categorical list about types of platonic intimacy)

I suggest the above two things rather than just providing a lot of links or assuming you will understand what I say because everyone has their own way of understanding everything.... and all of the words and concepts involved are very subjective.... definitions and boundaries-between for words/concepts like "romantic" and "platonic" and even "intimacy" to some extent, are quite varied and controversial.

My definitions of the difference between "platonic" and "romantic" aren't universal... different types of relationships and types of intimacy may have overlapping/shared attributes/characteristics.

For myself the difference between a platonic relationship and a romantic one would involve certain differences in relationship boundaries and dynamics...for example:

1. I would not marry a friend and consider them to be my spouse or life partner. If you get into that depth of life commitment and that level of dedication and sharing with someone, then to me you are more than just friends.

2. I would not raise children as a co-parent of equal standing and same kind of bond with the child(/ren) with a friend (technically I would not raise children with anyone - I don't feel equipped for that level of responsibility, just saying this in theory) but I would with a romantic partner.

3. I cannot see myself sleeping every night (literally just sleeping -- I don't mean the euphamism for sex) in the same bed with a friend out of a desire for maximum closeness and physical connection with them; Only with a romantic partner would I desire that level of regular physical intimacy.

Sleeping in the same bed as a friend would would only ever happen in specific unusual circumstances or of necessity rather than everyday preference .... I might only share a bed with a friend in the same way I have with family members, for example:

- when frightened by truly horrible extreme-PTSD-triggering nightmares and seeking comfort and sense of safety (and only with the very closest of friends and family -- not just any of them)

- when for some reason having an unusually intense deep discussion or bonding experience ending late with falling asleep and them just leaving me be (or vice versa); and that would be fairly rare or one-off

- when crashing at their house when intoxicated (this happened in youth but will never happen again and hasnt for decades because I have zero interest in drinking alcohol - was never actually enjoyable for me)

- out of necessity when travelling (because a motel room or other temporary shelter only has one bed and no cot or couch)

- in some kind of rare urgent/emergent situation such as when camping or stranded on a highway in a car and sharing zipped-together sleeping bags simply to conserve body heat and not die of hypothermia

 

[the_tortoise]

4. I like hugs and to hug friends and family -- also like hugs shared with long-standing acquaintances or close and important people in other kinds of non-sexual, non-romantic relationships that involve non-sexual and non-romantic intimacy/strong connections and safe sharing of self over time -- to express platonic affection and appreciation....

But I would not like or want to routinely hold hands with such people -- not with anyone but a romantic partner.

Would maybe want to hold hands briefly on occassion as a sign of comfort, or for emotional support as a sign of physical and emotional protection (from them to me or from me to them) that signals "I've got you, I will not let the scary things pull you away, I will not let you fall or get lost, I will guide you through this exceptional but very temporary experience of difficulty and distress" and which harkens back to hand-holding between guardians/parents and small children to guide them safely through crowds and across streets; Again: In adulthood with any platonically related person this is only acceptable for me or wanted by me during a very scary or awful/distressing experience, not as a regular expression of non-sexual physical intimacy...It would feel very-very-BAD-weird as a routine thing happening for its own sake across all contexts, and go beyond my boundaries of friendship)...

This is probably idiosyncratic to me and may seem strange, since hugs involve more body contact; But holding hands involves more prolonged physical contact and is socially coded in my cultures as belonging to parent-child or romantic/sexual relationships only, unless the circumstances are irregular as I have attempted to describe.

I would also feel bad-weird/discomfited with things like cuddling or any other sensual touch ("sensual" meaning something literally "sensory" -- not as a euphamism for "sexual" ...eg kissing - esp and always kissing on the lips -- for me that is strictly a romantic act, although I am aware this is cultural and personal) beyond hugs in a platonic relationship, regardless of how close, not beyond truly extraordinary circumstances (and those extraordinary circumstances, for me, would never involve kissing of any kind let alone lip-kissing....family can kiss me say on the top of the head, but only my mom ever did this ....)

Example of extraordinary circumstances: There have been times in my adult life when I wanted nothing more than for any platonic but close friend (at one time I actually had a few such friends) to just hold me for a little while, I was so distressed and afraid and in so much pain that I longed for that kind of physical comfort in the same way children long to be held by parents -- but it never meant I wanted to be partners with my friends, or that I wanted this all the time or on any regular basis (would not want that regularly from anyone but a romantic sort of partner).

A friend may be there for me and I may be there for them, we may be very close and share multiple types of intimacy, but the intimacy has limits that would not exist (well not to the same extent -- everyone has personal boundaries and limits in all relationships, including sexual ones; at least sometimes) with a romantic or spouse-type of relationship.

I guess to me an asexual romantic relationship is truly, literally just what most people think of as a sexual relationship, but without sex.

If this is confusing, it is probably because so many people conflate many (if not actually all) types of intimacy with sexual intimacy -- ie with sexual attraction, sexual activity, and sexual relationships....

This conflation is why some people truly believe heterosexual men and women cannot ever even have close or intimate friends of the opposite sex without it being sexual, or that homosexual people cannot have friends of the same sex without it being sexual...

....And for such people their only close/intimate friend ends up being their sexual and life-partner...which if it works for both people in the relationship is great, but it often doesn't work...

You know the saying "it takes a village to raise a child"? Well, it usually also "takes a village" to support and sustain the adult that child grows up to be;

For many people (not all -- lots of couples only need each other and nobody else and they are happiest and healthiest that way -- no judgement to/of those people, its awesome that works for them! but for many, many others:_), it is not just healthier for them and their partner, but also actually necessary for them to have additional non-sexual intimate relationships with other people to meet their social and emotional needs.

Consider this: people have "intimate" relationships with their doctors (albeit very strictly contextually limited, and normally entirely or mostly one-sided...the doctor of necessity knows a lot of deeply personal things about you and you trust them and allow them to look at and/or touch you everywhere if necessary for a valid medical purpose; you likely know very little or nothing about your doctor as a person outside of who they are as a doctor, and there is no valid reason for you to see any of their body parts not normally always covered by clothing, nor to ever have intimate physical contact or touch/be-touched-by them outside of medically appropriate and medically necessary and consented-to physical examination; not beyond a purely platonic hug, hand on shoulder, or possibly even brief holding of hand in extraordinary circumstances involving extreme distress when they are comforting or reassuring you ). Doctor-patient relationships are intimate but they are not (at least should not be) sexual at all (if they are it is considered exploitation of the patient because of the power differential and the impossibility of proving lack of coercion). Examinations involving reproductive or "private" parts or discussion of sexual behaviors or symptoms involving private parts are described as "intimate" examinations and discussions, but the word "intimate" isn't just a euphamisn for "involving body parts used for sex/ about sexual things" ..."intimacy" in this context as in many, many others that have nothing to do with body parts used for sex, nothing to do with sexuality, sexual attraction, nor sexual activity, basically means "involving closeness or very personal things"....

That is all intimacy fundamentally means: closeness; involving sharing, or discussion, or examination of, or disclosure of personal things ....usually it specifically refers to safe closeness. And there are many different types of intimacy. (intellectual, spiritual, emotional, experiential, physical, moral, and of course sexual...probably there are more, and you could create many subcategories for the ones I have listed depending on how you conceptualize things)
See links:

This has what I found to be a clear, concise description of different types of attraction:

Asexuality, Attraction, and Romantic Orientation

This is the long and complicated description/explanation of asexuality as a spectrum:

An Introduction to Asexuality