I was utterly incompetent and awkward in a relationship with an NT

[pelecanus87]

I will share my story, which honestly weighs on me quite heavily and I carry a lot of shame for. I was awkward on a personal and sexual level, and frankly was taken advantage of in the end. I honestly hope someone reads the whole thing...

Having just turned 29, I had never had a relationship (or had sex) before this girl asked me on a date. I decided to reveal that I have Asperger's beforehand. We went on a couple dates, and the chemistry seemed lukewarm at times, but perhaps worth pursuing. Eventually, after a night of drinking we fooled around a bit. I am VERY physically awkward in an Aspergian way and almost no intimate contact comes natural to me, but this experience went decently well. It would be close to a month before we attempted sex. There didn't seem to be too many opportunities for sex because she had a kid and we both lived with family in small living spaces. I got but could not maintain an erection, so the sex only lasted a couple minutes. I played it off as best I could and it wasn't a huge deal. I figured it was just nerves. However, it happened again about a week later, and this time I had to offer an explanation: I had somewhat recently been taking anti-depressants (which cause erectile dysfunction), which was indeed true and certainly was the cause. She was slightly miffed and apparently felt it was her fault for being unattractive, but the situation still wasn't mortifying...yet.

We seemed to get somewhat closer on a personal level despite the sexual difficulties, but she always kept her distance. Lots of mixed signals. After 3 months of dating, I took her to a wedding as a date. I had been so anxious to tell my mother that I "finally" have a girlfriend, that I suppose I gave the indication that we were "official". At the wedding, my mother apparently introduced her as my girlfriend, which she strongly disliked. This was embarrassing and honestly, I have no legitimate explanation for it. I think perhaps I had planned make things "official" very soon, but later decided against it.

In the next 3 months, the relationship started to become increasingly awkward. She would stay in touch "just enough" to keep things slowly trudging along, but it started to become pretty abnormal how infrequently we saw each other. When we did hang, it was either a)an expensive date b)involved her son or c)both. Anyway, at some point, I told her I was stopping anti-depressants, which would obviously help with sex. I was disappointed and embarrassed to learn that it did not help. There were, at best a few times in which I was able to maintain an erection for a few minutes, but it certainly wasn't "good". On her birthday at the 6 month mark of the relationship, she came over and I failed at sex again. She was irritated. I finally got a prescription for ED just after this, but we never attempted again, despite the relationship trudging along for another 6 weeks.

During this whole relationship, I was constantly spending money on her and her son. It got to the point where I would rarely ever see her unless we were doing something with her son. Not only this, by the end of it, I was only seeing her maybe once a week. It was just odd.

I found out that she began dating someone else about 6 weeks before the relationship was "officially" ended. And actually, she never even told me it was over. I just signed onto Facebook one day and saw that she was "in a relationship". By this time, I had kind of gotten the point anyway, and her best friend had passed away a few weeks before which gave her to perfect excuse to be despondent, but still...she never even told me. The whole thing was just...sad and I feel pathetic about how I conducted myself as well as the way I was treated.

Just literally needed to get this off my chest. Any response or advice would be welcome.

 

[Atreyu]

People like this honestly suck and it's part of the reason that I'm so distrusting of others. They never seem to just say how they feel, be honest and get it over with already instead of dragging it out and allowing people to take them on 'dates' and spend money on them. It comes off (to me) as being a user and I really dislike people like that.

I'm sorry that this happened to you, sincerely, but as one guy to another who has been in situation with people like this? You're way better off without that baggage in your life.

EDIT: as for your ED, do what makes you comfortable. Some people are just not into sex and that's okay. As someone who is on SSRIs to live a normal and functioning life, I cannot stress this enough: DO NOT go off of antidepressants for anyone. Ever. Unless you are told by a medical professional, of course. If you think that the ADs are giving you unwanted side-effects, then speak with your doctor as soon as possible.

 

[Suzanne]

The reason you did not maintain your erection was simply because you are not attracted to her enough.


Basically, you grabbed on to the thought, that, at last you have a girl interested in you, when, in fact she was only interested in you, because she saw a guy who was easy to get money out of, which is why she was not loving when you exhibited a sexual problem and why she did not like it when your mum said she is your girlfriend and why she did not say she had found someone else.

How times have changed. When it is now a part of dating, to go to bed. What on earth happened with getting to know each other, before thinking about sex?

 

[MrSpock]

Suzanne may be right or partly right, but if all she knows about the situation is what you've posted I'd take what she says with a grain of salt. Maybe a cupful.

How you were treated is HER responsibility, not yours. Other people would have treated you differently, and likely you would have acted differently with another person. This was just one attempt, I hope you're not too discouraged by it.

Try to see it as a learning experience. Remember that 'if you've met one woman, you've met one woman'. You may have learned something about women, and about dating. Some things you may have learned will be about women, other things will just be about that particular woman. Hopefully you've learned something about yourself, but don't take the negative to heart. This takes practice.

You may have done fairly well with this one. She didn't take your house or your kids from you. Maybe you had a lucky escape, who knows? Better luck with the next one.

 

[Lady Penelope]

I concur with Atreyu about not stopping meds without proper consultation.
Remember that it takes weeks if not months for the meds to fully leave your system and for your body to recalibrate.

Sounds like she wasn't making an effort to spend quality alone time with you and perhaps you were more into the idea of having a gf for the first time. What was it about her that you liked that inspired you to persue her romantically? Did she treat you the way you want a partner to?

It's pretty low of her not to tell you she didn't want to date you anymore. Do you think by bringing her kid along she was trying to be friends but not pursue a romantic relationship?

Everyone has different sex drives. Some prefer intimacy over the act itself. First time sex is full of fumbles anyway. Did she know you were inexperienced?

Don't lose heart and let this one set back stop you from persuing a romantic relationship with someone else in the future.

 

[Bolletje]

Just out of curiosity: you say you're ashamed of your conduct, but what are you referring to? Because I can't find anything for you to be ashamed of in your story.

As for your erectile dysfunction: I wouldn't put too much pressure on yourself. There are so many ways to be intimate. I've been with a man with ED and the sex we had was some of the best sex ever, because the focus was on just enjoying being together. And every sustained erection was a pleasant bonus.

 

[pelecanus87]

I concur with Atreyu about not stopping meds without proper consultation.
Remember that it takes weeks if not months for the meds to fully leave your system and for your body to recalibrate.

Sounds like she wasn't making an effort to spend quality alone time with you and perhaps you were more into the idea of having a gf for the first time. What was it about her that you liked that inspired you to persue her romantically? Did she treat you the way you want a partner to?

It's pretty low of her not to tell you she didn't want to date you anymore. Do you think by bringing her kid along she was trying to be friends but not pursue a romantic relationship?

Everyone has different sex drives. Some prefer intimacy over the act itself. First time sex is full of fumbles anyway. Did she know you were inexperienced?

Don't lose heart and let this one set back stop you from persuing a romantic relationship with someone else in the future.

It may seem like quite a coincidence, but I had been considering stopping the meds anyway. After all, becoming mentally stable enough to have a relationship was one of the main goals of my treatment, and since I had achieved that, why continue the meds and deal with the side effects?

There were some good times in the relationship, but I was never thrilled with it. Frankly, I wonder how much of the "good times" just seemed good because the whole thing was new to me.

By "bringing the kid along", what I meant to express was that I'd often be either doing errands with her and the kid or activities that were based on the kid. It's like I was just there to accompany her and her kid, help watch him, and spend money. So basically just helping her fulfill her parental duties.

Just out of curiosity: you say you're ashamed of your conduct, but what are you referring to? Because I can't find anything for you to be ashamed of in your story.

As for your erectile dysfunction: I wouldn't put too much pressure on yourself. There are so many ways to be intimate. I've been with a man with ED and the sex we had was some of the best sex ever, because the focus was on just enjoying being together. And every sustained erection was a pleasant bonus.

I'm ashamed that we never had satisfying sex in 6+ months. That seems like a very pathetic thing that I can almost imagine her recalling with her friends and laughing at my inadequacy. I thought we had sex that "counts" maybe a couple times, but it was short-lived. At one point, she described that in her opinion, we had basically never had sex, or at least that's how I interpreted what she said. Ugh. I just feel like this is such an epic, laughable failure on my part.

Simply put, I feel like while I'm not the only one with ED, most people would have been able to either solve the ED problem faster, or simply ended the relationship before it dragged on pathetically long. I couldn't achieve either. I finally went to the doctor for ED, but by that point it was too late. That's where the shame is from. I just couldn't respond effectively to anything that was going on. A lot of it had to do with her really minimizing how often we saw each other (especially alone time), though. But still, I didn't get the job done. That's where I suspect Asperger's comes in and I feel a lot of shame because I was incompetent.

 

[MrSpock]

Sex isn't always great (but it can be). Sometimes two people just don't click. You managed to keep the relationship going in spite of this. Many people would have been too embarrassed to talk to a doctor about it at all. You only see it as being too late because she gave up. She was experienced and you were not, she could have been more supportive. It's not too late for the next one. The fact that you are here, still trying to learn from it says something positive about you.

 

[Bolletje]

No need to feel ashamed about not having great sex. Like @MrSpock said, sometimes you just don't click. I've been with wonderful men, with whom I was in love, but just didn't click with, sexually. There's a lot of misinformation on this subject in my opinion. We're taught that when you love someone, sex is magical. The harsh truth is that you can love someone very much, but still be sexually incompatible.
That's not your fault, or anybody else's. You can build a better sex life together, but you can't fix incompatibility.

 

[Buzzerfly]

You are cool, and I like you. So sorry all of this happened and was upsetting. I STRONGLY agree with the person above who said your erectile "problems" we're due to a lack of attraction. Maybe we were or weren't built to be monogamous ( I have no clue ) but the way the world is currently, there is a very limited number of mates for everyone. You have one somewhere, and you'll get it up all the damn time when you're near her. It may take some time....

I'm married to an autistic man and I'm an NT. I LOVE him so much. Most NT women are really asleep right now, so they just follow social rules to get through life. They can't, at present, love you. I had an odd set of circumstances which led me to wake up a bit. I think/hope, someday soon I can find more NT girls to be my friends, who would also love good men like you!

 

[pelecanus87]

You are cool, and I like you. So sorry all of this happened and was upsetting. I STRONGLY agree with the person above who said your erectile "problems" we're due to a lack of attraction. Maybe we were or weren't built to be monogamous ( I have no clue ) but the way the world is currently, there is a very limited number of mates for everyone. You have one somewhere, and you'll get it up all the damn time when you're near her. It may take some time....

I'm married to an autistic man and I'm an NT. I LOVE him so much. Most NT women are really asleep right now, so they just follow social rules to get through life. They can't, at present, love you. I had an odd set of circumstances which led me to wake up a bit. I think/hope, someday soon I can find more NT girls to be my friends, who would also love good men like you!

I have a hard time believing that my ED was caused by a lack of attraction. She didn't blow me away, but I really did find her quite attractive. I really wouldn't ever expect to get a better looking woman than her, although maybe it's more a matter of someone being your "type"?

Furthermore, since I'm confessing everything else: I have a great fear of performing oral sex (just doesn't appeal to me). When I couldn't get hard, I would sometimes use what tools I had at my disposal, but I wouldn't go down on her to "make up for it" which from what I understand is what you're "supposed" to do. So that didn't help.

Furthermore, I'm not sure I ever really tounge kissed her, which as far as I can tell is freakishly odd. Maybe once when I was buzzed or something? I just don't understand tongue kissing and I don't enjoy it that much. Perhaps if it was the right person, I could alter my opinion slightly. This is kind of odd to never have done in a 6 month relationship. It sucks that we were intimate so infrequently that in 6 months, I couldn't clear these two hurdles, but I at least have more general experience. Oh well.

 

[Buzzerfly]

I have a hard time believing that my ED was caused by a lack of attraction. She didn't blow me away, but I really did find her quite attractive. I really wouldn't ever expect to get a better looking woman than her, although maybe it's more a matter of someone being your "type"?

Furthermore, since I'm confessing everything else: I have a great fear of performing oral sex (just doesn't appeal to me). When I couldn't get hard, I would sometimes use what tools I had at my disposal, but I wouldn't go down on her to "make up for it" which from what I understand is what you're "supposed" to do. So that didn't help.

Furthermore, I'm not sure I ever really tounge kissed her, which as far as I can tell is freakishly odd. Maybe once when I was buzzed or something? I just don't understand tongue kissing and I don't enjoy it that much. Perhaps if it was the right person, I could alter my opinion slightly. This is kind of odd to never have done in a 6 month relationship. It sucks that we were intimate so infrequently that in 6 months, I couldn't clear these two hurdles, but I at least have more general experience. Oh well.

My husband and I still never really tongue kiss. I mean if we do, it's def not some artful, synchronized, movie moment. Anyway, about oral sex, sometimes it just seems silly. I mean why would I want my male down there trying to please me like some subordinate? It's weird! More of a head trip than actually feeling good. I'm sure she was hot and all but lol, have you forgotten...you have the mind of an autistic person! A mental attraction and a sexy urge to on some level procreate with her would have to be present!

I'm not in the business of being nice, so don't think I was trying to cover for your ED...I just think you were less attracted than you realize. After a long time with no chick, you just start convincing yourself horrible chicks are great. Maybe you thought her son was cool and she happened to be hot. I don't know

 

[Bolletje]

I have a hard time believing that my ED was caused by a lack of attraction. She didn't blow me away, but I really did find her quite attractive. I really wouldn't ever expect to get a better looking woman than her, although maybe it's more a matter of someone being your "type"?

Furthermore, since I'm confessing everything else: I have a great fear of performing oral sex (just doesn't appeal to me). When I couldn't get hard, I would sometimes use what tools I had at my disposal, but I wouldn't go down on her to "make up for it" which from what I understand is what you're "supposed" to do. So that didn't help.

Furthermore, I'm not sure I ever really tounge kissed her, which as far as I can tell is freakishly odd. Maybe once when I was buzzed or something? I just don't understand tongue kissing and I don't enjoy it that much. Perhaps if it was the right person, I could alter my opinion slightly. This is kind of odd to never have done in a 6 month relationship. It sucks that we were intimate so infrequently that in 6 months, I couldn't clear these two hurdles, but I at least have more general experience. Oh well.

I'd agree with you that the ED doesn't necessarily mean you're not attracted to her. For one, I think only you can answer that, instead of strangers on the internet. And second, ED is a little more complicated than that. A lack of physical attraction is just one of the myriad of reasons someone could have trouble maintaining an erection. Performance anxiety being one of the major other reasons.

Look, the thing about sex is, it's supposed to be fun. You don't have to do anything you don't want to. If you don't like giving oral sex, don't do it. Or do it on occasion just to please your partner, if you don't necessarily hate it. Just treat your partners with the same courtesy. Figure out what works for the both of you, and have fun doing that.