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I really don't know

S

shayl

Well-Known Member
So, it doesn't bother me all that much anymore, but I've been curious for a few years now if I'm on the spectrum. I am weird, no doubt about it, and it used to bother me a lot when I was younger. Sometimes now but not usually. I'm starting to come to terms with who I am.

Anyway, the reason I think I might be on the spectrum is that when I read about the traits, it seems like I fit a lot of them, but I'm also not sure. I've been to therapy a lot for anxiety and depression, but no one has ever talked to me about this specific issue. In fact, I've been officially diagnosed by a psychiatrist as having Generalized Anxiety Disorder and take medication for it (and it works ok, not always but I'm much better).

For clarity, I'm 29, female, married, and I work as a web developer.

I know internet diagnosis is stupid, but I'm curious what real aspies think of my list, and if I should go back to the doctor. Or does it even really matter since I'm doing ok?

I DO have some huge challenges with my career, though. I'd say it's the most challenging part of my life. I have a hard time fitting in with the work environment, but I generally can get and keep jobs because I'm really good at what I do and always get my work done in spite of my problems (I'm an overachiever....I can't put up with not being as good as I can be at something, and I learn fast.), though I get a lot of lectures and 1 on 1 meetings with bosses about how I act and I cry a lot at really inappropriate times. I hate that because they always begin the meeting with "your work is great, but..." Apparently I roll my eyes and make faces in meetings sometimes too, but I'm never really aware of it. I do try to ask for accommodations at work like not being around a lot of noisy people or having people constantly walking behind me (drives me nuts) and not being surprised too often or given vague information, because I tend to freak out and assume the worst (this could well be the GAD). It helps, but I still have problems, particularly with my current boss who really wants me to change.

Here's some more things about me that really confuse my family and people I work with:

  • gargoyles, dragons and monsters are the #1 thing I tend to care about, and while I have other hobbies (video games, drawing, reading), I am pretty much always looking to draw, read about, think about or play stuff that involves those things. It isn't my only interest, but man....I daydream about them, I get a little cranky if I have to draw something besides them, and I don't want to read anything that doesn't have some sort of fantastic or weird creatures in it (aliens are ok too). An example: as soon as I found out that the new Star Wars MMO wasn't going to have cool aliens you could play as (according to me), I lost every bit of interest in the game. The only other thing that can pique my interest almost as much is history. My parents really thought I would grow out of this stuff but I never have. My knowledge of and willingness to watch and discuss the cartoon Gargoyles is as great now as it was when I was 14. However, I really try not to talk about this stuff to anyone because it annoys them or bothers them that I like a cartoon so much.
  • I have one real friend, my husband, and a few online friends that I never see in person, and I'm totally fine with that. I also have a cat that I consider my friend. No one in my family gets it and constantly tries to encourage me to socialize more, but I don't want to.
  • I cannot make eye contact for more than a few seconds, even with my husband, whom I've been with for 5 years
  • I am terrible with being teased, it used to upset me SO MUCH as a child and nowadays I have to make an actual effort to be lighthearted about it. I make fun of myself a lot as a way to "teach" myself that it's ok
  • I usually miss sarcasm unless it's laid on REALLY thick
  • I'm female but could not care less about my appearance, other than not being fat or smelly. I try to keep at least a modest appearance, but I have 0 interest in fashion and buy all my clothes at the salvation army, even though I make decent money as a programmer. Sneakers. Jeans. T-shirt.
  • I'm SO clumsy and always have been. I have bruises on top of bruises that I couldn't even say where they came from, but for some reason I can also play the French Horn fairly well (technically speaking) and I am a good artist. I'm pretty much the only person from my HS marching band who wiped out during a major performance in the 4 years I was there (but I still got up, covered in mud, and played my solo fine, hah)
  • My husband complains that I bottle up my emotions and then let them explode. I also have trouble explaining how I feel and will sometimes even make up things that SEEM right but later on it's obvious I didn't feel that way. I always feel like I'm grasping at straws when I try to explain how I feel.
  • I have an emotional scale that involves crying when any strong emotion is felt, particularly frustration, but also happy, sad, angry, scared, etc. I can't stop the tears, not even if I'm in front of the CEO of my company
  • I read wikipedia for fun, pretty much every day. I feel like I'm running out of articles.
  • I can rattle on endlessly about something I'm interested in, and I talk really loud. I will also research the crap out of stuff to make sure I know as much as I can. I'm kind of considered a fact machine at work, I'm constantly interrupted by people wanting me to answer technical questions (and I love it)
  • I like substances (alcohol, etc) a bit too much; they calm my somewhat 'buzzy' mind. I try to be careful though. Right now it doesn't negatively affect my life and I keep an eye on it. My husband is also good about keeping me from doing it too much. I REALLY like it though, and if I didn't watch it closely it would definitely become a problem.

Thanks for reading! I'm also really verbose, particularly when I write!
 
shayl said:
So, it doesn't bother me all that much anymore, but I've been curious for a few years now if I'm on the spectrum. I am weird, no doubt about it, and it used to bother me a lot when I was younger. Sometimes now but not usually. I'm starting to come to terms with who I am.

Anyway, the reason I think I might be on the spectrum is that when I read about the traits, it seems like I fit a lot of them, but I'm also not sure. I've been to therapy a lot for anxiety and depression, but no one has ever talked to me about this specific issue. In fact, I've been officially diagnosed by a psychiatrist as having Generalized Anxiety Disorder and take medication for it (and it works ok, not always but I'm much better).

For clarity, I'm 29, female, married, and I work as a web developer.

I know internet diagnosis is stupid, but I'm curious what real aspies think of my list, and if I should go back to the doctor. Or does it even really matter since I'm doing ok?

I DO have some huge challenges with my career, though. I'd say it's the most challenging part of my life. I have a hard time fitting in with the work environment, but I generally can get and keep jobs because I'm really good at what I do and always get my work done in spite of my problems (I'm an overachiever....I can't put up with not being as good as I can be at something, and I learn fast.), though I get a lot of lectures and 1 on 1 meetings with bosses about how I act and I cry a lot at really inappropriate times. I hate that because they always begin the meeting with "your work is great, but..." Apparently I roll my eyes and make faces in meetings sometimes too, but I'm never really aware of it. I do try to ask for accommodations at work like not being around a lot of noisy people or having people constantly walking behind me (drives me nuts) and not being surprised too often or given vague information, because I tend to freak out and assume the worst (this could well be the GAD). It helps, but I still have problems, particularly with my current boss who really wants me to change.

Here's some more things about me that really confuse my family and people I work with:

  • gargoyles, dragons and monsters are the #1 thing I tend to care about, and while I have other hobbies (video games, drawing, reading), I am pretty much always looking to draw, read about, think about or play stuff that involves those things. It isn't my only interest, but man....I daydream about them, I get a little cranky if I have to draw something besides them, and I don't want to read anything that doesn't have some sort of fantastic or weird creatures in it (aliens are ok too). An example: as soon as I found out that the new Star Wars MMO wasn't going to have cool aliens you could play as (according to me), I lost every bit of interest in the game. The only other thing that can pique my interest almost as much is history. My parents really thought I would grow out of this stuff but I never have. My knowledge of and willingness to watch and discuss the cartoon Gargoyles is as great now as it was when I was 14. However, I really try not to talk about this stuff to anyone because it annoys them or bothers them that I like a cartoon so much.
  • I have one real friend, my husband, and a few online friends that I never see in person, and I'm totally fine with that. I also have a cat that I consider my friend. No one in my family gets it and constantly tries to encourage me to socialize more, but I don't want to.
  • I cannot make eye contact for more than a few seconds, even with my husband, whom I've been with for 5 years
  • I am terrible with being teased, it used to upset me SO MUCH as a child and nowadays I have to make an actual effort to be lighthearted about it. I make fun of myself a lot as a way to "teach" myself that it's ok
  • I usually miss sarcasm unless it's laid on REALLY thick
  • I'm female but could not care less about my appearance, other than not being fat or smelly. I try to keep at least a modest appearance, but I have 0 interest in fashion and buy all my clothes at the salvation army, even though I make decent money as a programmer. Sneakers. Jeans. T-shirt.
  • I'm SO clumsy and always have been. I have bruises on top of bruises that I couldn't even say where they came from, but for some reason I can also play the French Horn fairly well (technically speaking) and I am a good artist. I'm pretty much the only person from my HS marching band who wiped out during a major performance in the 4 years I was there (but I still got up, covered in mud, and played my solo fine, hah)
  • My husband complains that I bottle up my emotions and then let them explode. I also have trouble explaining how I feel and will sometimes even make up things that SEEM right but later on it's obvious I didn't feel that way. I always feel like I'm grasping at straws when I try to explain how I feel.
  • I have an emotional scale that involves crying when any strong emotion is felt, particularly frustration, but also happy, sad, angry, scared, etc. I can't stop the tears, not even if I'm in front of the CEO of my company
  • I read wikipedia for fun, pretty much every day. I feel like I'm running out of articles.
  • I can rattle on endlessly about something I'm interested in, and I talk really loud. I will also research the crap out of stuff to make sure I know as much as I can. I'm kind of considered a fact machine at work, I'm constantly interrupted by people wanting me to answer technical questions (and I love it)
  • I like substances (alcohol, etc) a bit too much; they calm my somewhat 'buzzy' mind. I try to be careful though. Right now it doesn't negatively affect my life and I keep an eye on it. My husband is also good about keeping me from doing it too much. I REALLY like it though, and if I didn't watch it closely it would definitely become a problem.

Thanks for reading! I'm also really verbose, particularly when I write!
Click to expand...

So, the main problem at the moment is the anxiety and depression, right? Is this severe or moderate? I'd like to share with you that, in my opinion, the best stimulant to treat any depression is aerobic exercise. That is, hard aerobic, cardiovascular exercise that increases heart rate to the point that endorphin chemicals are released into the brain, namely dopamine and serotonin. Actually anxiety reduces dopamine levels which is why when we're anxious or worried we don't sleep as well but aerobic exercise boosts dopamine so you sleep far better and also feel more positive. I am so convinced about this that I regularly do intense cardiovascular training and can testify it works far better than any prescription drug (at least going by my own experience). Secret is not to go overboard, of course.
As to whether you have aspergers, you could try the cambridge AQ test as a preliminary:
Wired 9.12: Take The AQ Test
The above serves as a basic rough guide, after which, you need to learn more about aspergers yourself and possibly see an expert who can give you more information.
Is the depression linked to the issues you have outlined such as social interaction as a root cause? Or do you just get mood swings?
Hope we can help you find solutions here.
 
total-recoil said:
So, the main problem at the moment is the anxiety and depression, right? Is this severe or moderate? I'd like to share with you that, in my opinion, the best stimulant to treat any depression is aerobic exercise. That is, hard aerobic, cardiovascular exercise that increases heart rate to the point that endorphin chemicals are released into the brain, namely dopamine and serotonin. Actually anxiety reduces dopamine levels which is why when we're anxious or worried we don't sleep as well but aerobic exercise boosts dopamine so you sleep far better and also feel more positive. I am so convinced about this that I regularly do intense cardiovascular training and can testify it works far better than any prescription drug (at least going by my own experience). Secret is not to go overboard, of course.
As to whether you have aspergers, you could try the cambridge AQ test as a preliminary:
Wired 9.12: Take The AQ Test
The above serves as a basic rough guide, after which, you need to learn more about aspergers yourself and possibly see an expert who can give you more information.
Is the depression linked to the issues you have outlined such as social interaction as a root cause? Or do you just get mood swings?
Hope we can help you find solutions here.
Click to expand...

Thank you! I just took that test and got a 34. Apparently 32+ is potentially on the spectrum. That isn't the only test I've taken, and I pretty much always score high or test positive or whatever you want to call it. I've already read pretty much every article I can find on both asperger's, as well as aspergers in women. I'm really into facts and research and I consume a lot of material.

The anxiety is the main problem though, yes. It is definitely something I sought treatment for actively because of all the problems it causes me. Still does, but I'm so much better than I used to be with it that I'm hopeful it'll just keep getting better. I still freak out though, probably once a month. I've had times when I go rushing into a VPs office in tears over something I've perceived to be awful, when it turns out its nothing. I had a panic attack once and they called ambulances. THANKFULLY my current company is really compassionate and tolerant of this (at least the execs are, not so much my direct superior, she hates it.). However, I seriously doubt they would put up with it if I wasn't a good developer. Devs are hard to find, so I use my skills as a weapon to keep myself employed, in spite of my anxiety.

Sometimes it feels like I get mood swings, but I'm not sure honestly. I do have extreme highs and lows, and usually the highs are related to doing really well on a project at work or drawing something I'm really proud of, and thinking I"m on top of the world. However, soon enough I swing back down, typically triggered by something socially, especially in regards to my boss. It usually comes back to, "you do well at things, but you're weird" and once I'm clearly reminded of that (sometimes when I belatedly realize I've annoyed someone), I get depressed for a while, usually until I create something I'm proud of again. I get SO upset if I think I've annoyed someone or made them angry.

I also have what my husband refers to as "meltdowns", where I am inconsolably upset to the point of weeping about something, usually something fairly minor. Its MUCH better than it was a few years ago, but an example: my Kindle broke this week, and I like to read it on the train to and from work every day. Not only did this distract me in the morning after it happened, but I had a little mini-meltdown at the end of the day and cried in front of people. It's just a Kindle, and I'm an adult and can easily buy a new one, but it still made me pretty upset. It didn't help that I was on the phone with Amazon support most of the day. I absolutely HATE talking on the phone. I don't even have a cell phone because I hate talking on the phone so much I never used the one I had.

I also have some issues with my mom due to how I am, and I'd say this is the main reason I'm curious about myself in this way. She is often pushing things on me that she thinks I "should" want or do, such as always buying me clothes because she thinks I "need" them and when I was younger she would buy me teen and fashion magazines that I absolutely hated (and told her I hated, I wanted national geographic), but she never seems to get it. I also have a young cousin who is so much like me it's scary, and I don't really want to diagnose HER, but I also want to be there for her if she does have similar problems that I did as a kid (and an adult).
 
Those definately are aspie traits. As far as diagnosis, alot of aspies self diagnose because it can be difficult to find a doctor who knows about asperger's in adults, especially females. Being that asperger's doesn't nesserilly need medication, I don't think self diagnosis is a bad thing. Basically just when you read asperger's does it feel right. Aspergirls is a really good book about asperger's in females, and I found it to be helpful. Some of the coping strategies talked about her or in books about asperger's may help to relieve some of the anxiety, and it sounds like there are some things you have already done, like telling them what you need at work. Also, sometimes the depression comes from the isolation we feel and not being understood, and finding you have asperger's and hearing from others who have it, may make you feel less isolated and make you feel validated, also sometimes someone may something and you may go yes that's exactly what it feels like and then be able to use that to explain to others who you need to understand. I think asperger's is one thing where it is ok to self diagnose because if there are strategies that may help what's wrong with trying them, if they aren't dangerous or unhealthy. It can take time to find a doctor who is capable of diagnosing asperger's and you keep putting your life on hold. My boyfriend has seen alot of improvement in me since I found out I have asperger's and with my sister she isn't diagnosed but I got her the book aspergirls because my brother (also aspie) and I thought she had it. Her fiance has said that since she started applying some of the strategies in the book, that he has noticed alot of improvement. As far as on the job, you do your job well, and it sounds like they are impressed with your work, and if you are comfortable with disclosing your asperger's they might be a bit more understanding, like not getting so offended with eye rolling, while it might not be the most effective way to communicate, maybe they should be taking that as feedback.


Sorry my head is a little spacey right now, so I am not sure how helpful that was.
 
shayl said:
Thank you! I just took that test and got a 34. Apparently 32+ is potentially on the spectrum. That isn't the only test I've taken, and I pretty much always score high or test positive or whatever you want to call it. I've already read pretty much every article I can find on both asperger's, as well as aspergers in women. I'm really into facts and research and I consume a lot of material.

The anxiety is the main problem though, yes. It is definitely something I sought treatment for actively because of all the problems it causes me. Still does, but I'm so much better than I used to be with it that I'm hopeful it'll just keep getting better. I still freak out though, probably once a month. I've had times when I go rushing into a VPs office in tears over something I've perceived to be awful, when it turns out its nothing. I had a panic attack once and they called ambulances. THANKFULLY my current company is really compassionate and tolerant of this (at least the execs are, not so much my direct superior, she hates it.). However, I seriously doubt they would put up with it if I wasn't a good developer. Devs are hard to find, so I use my skills as a weapon to keep myself employed, in spite of my anxiety.

Sometimes it feels like I get mood swings, but I'm not sure honestly. I do have extreme highs and lows, and usually the highs are related to doing really well on a project at work or drawing something I'm really proud of, and thinking I"m on top of the world. However, soon enough I swing back down, typically triggered by something socially, especially in regards to my boss. It usually comes back to, "you do well at things, but you're weird" and once I'm clearly reminded of that (sometimes when I belatedly realize I've annoyed someone), I get depressed for a while, usually until I create something I'm proud of again. I get SO upset if I think I've annoyed someone or made them angry.

I also have what my husband refers to as "meltdowns", where I am inconsolably upset to the point of weeping about something, usually something fairly minor. Its MUCH better than it was a few years ago, but an example: my Kindle broke this week, and I like to read it on the train to and from work every day. Not only did this distract me in the morning after it happened, but I had a little mini-meltdown at the end of the day and cried in front of people. It's just a Kindle, and I'm an adult and can easily buy a new one, but it still made me pretty upset. It didn't help that I was on the phone with Amazon support most of the day. I absolutely HATE talking on the phone. I don't even have a cell phone because I hate talking on the phone so much I never used the one I had.

I also have some issues with my mom due to how I am, and I'd say this is the main reason I'm curious about myself in this way. She is often pushing things on me that she thinks I "should" want or do, such as always buying me clothes because she thinks I "need" them and when I was younger she would buy me teen and fashion magazines that I absolutely hated (and told her I hated, I wanted national geographic), but she never seems to get it. I also have a young cousin who is so much like me it's scary, and I don't really want to diagnose HER, but I also want to be there for her if she does have similar problems that I did as a kid (and an adult).
Click to expand...

I had panic attacks years ago but not any more. I wish I could put my finger on how specifically I improved but not so sure I have a formula I could quote. I can only suggest you learn as much as you can about aspergers as you logically try to decide if you have it or not. Remember HFA is slightly different to aspergers and, in my case, I concluded I have HFA.
As has been said depression is there for a reason. If you have aspergers the pressure of being different can make you feel isolated and depressed so it will help you once you either get a third party diagnosis or feel sure you can diagnose it yourself. Self diagnosis is possible but just stay always open minded till you know for sure. Check for obvious motor clumsiness, social communication difficulties, stims, sensitivies and ask friends honest questions. In my case I got some honest answers as well as a lot of skepticism from friends and even doctors.
As I said, exercise is slowly becoming recognised by doctors as being an alternative to drugs. Jogging or cycling are good if you buiild up and should help you sleep better so long as you don't go overboard with it.
Stay on the site and that way you'll meet similar people who will gradually help you solve the puzzle.
 
Nothin' wrong with being verbose, kid.

I'm nae an expert, but it sounds to me you're on the spectrum, like Dany Stormborne and her dragons.

You sound you have a fantastic hubby and a harsh mother. As for your boss, I'm glad she is the exception, not the rule in your workplace.

I took the AQ test and got 27. Some of those questions are really vague. I was diagnosed at 12 months but have considered getting a brain scan. Don't want to see doctors. Many of them don't know jack, just what their institutions, austism speaks and the media has told them.

What does AQ mean anyway? Aspie quiz? I don't have aspers, I have classic autism.
 
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