I need some advice - I've been invited to my brother's wedding...

[AGXStarseed]

At the beginning of this month my younger brother and his girlfriend went on holiday, during which my brother proposed to her and she accepted.
They're now planning for their wedding at some point in the future - which they are planning to have on the Rock in Gibraltar and the wedding itself will be a small and non-traditional with just immediate family members from both our families.

As part of his plans, my brother has come to me to ask if I want to be his Best Man, although he's made it clear that I won't be doing a 'best man's speech' (which is a relief) and that he's fine if I refuse as long as I tell him soon so he can make alternative plans.
For me, this is a big deal; I want to see my brother tie the knot and I'd be honored to be his Best Man. The downside is that there's a lot of stuff that will be putting my anxiety through the roof.

Firstly, I am not a fan of air travel; the last time I was on a plane, I had my head down for the whole journey because of how stressed out I was - even though the journey was less than an hour long, it felt like an eternity.
Secondly, I'm going to be going to a place that I've never being to so that is going to have me concerned - especially if I need somewhere to hide away for a while.
Thirdly, I'm going to have to wear a suit for the wedding; which is definitely not a type of clothing that I like wearing.
Finally, although the wedding will be non-traditional and small I'm concerned about if I have to make conversation with people I don't know.

Do you guys think I should go ahead with it or not, and if so what would you recommend I do to reduce the stress?
Thank you for your time.

 

[Suzanne]

It all depends on how close you are to your brother? For me, I am not close to any of my siblings, sadly and so, it was no big deal to not go to their weddings.

If you are close to your brother, and he knows how rough things can get for you, why not ask if you can have a detailed map for the area and hotel ( if you are staying in one)? I find that if I know the layout of a place, the anxiety lessons considerably.

As for socialising, give yourself permission to go out and breath, if you are unable to cope. I find that this works for me.

I was recently told by an nt, that when I speak to strangers, I should actually say I have aspergers and so, if I talk a bit too much, I would really appreciate them letting me know, for it appears when I think I am, I am not and when I am not, I am! I believe what that means is that some like what I have to say and so, do not mind me talking a lot and others don't and thus, I am boring.

Why do you not like flying? I am sure that if you let it be known you get scared, they may be able to give you a calming tablet?

And if you really do not care one way or other being there, why not ask for a video link to the wedding?

 

[Warmheart]

I think you should rest and relax, give it dome time, the right answer will come to you naturally.

What I might think, if it were me...
Challenging stuff, and enjoyable stuff, all mixed together.
For the challenging stuff: What are my tools? Meditation, clean eating, staying hydrated, and LOTS of physical activity help me stay regulated.

Whatever your choice, remember that through your many difficult experiences, you have collected strength, tools, and wisdom which you did not yet have in the past.

As you get some particulars to settle your mind by looking at maps, time schedules for events, etc., know that you have within you strong seeds for peace, grounding, calm, and stability. You will use whatever practices (meditation, excessive, etc.) water those seeds.
Remember to breathe.

May this experience by a very positive one for you!

 

[Flinty]

It is possible, though not easy, to get to Gibraltar without flying.

Also, as far as the suit is concerned, if the wedding is as small and non-traditional as you say, you might be able to get yourself out of the suit mere minutes after the ceremony.

 

[Warmheart]

 

[Streetwise]

At the beginning of this month my younger brother and his girlfriend went on holiday, during which my brother proposed to her and she accepted.
They're now planning for their wedding at some point in the future - which they are planning to have on the Rock in Gibraltar and the wedding itself will be a small and non-traditional with just immediate family members from both our families.

As part of his plans, my brother has come to me to ask if I want to be his Best Man, although he's made it clear that I won't be doing a 'best man's speech' (which is a relief) and that he's fine if I refuse as long as I tell him soon so he can make alternative plans.
For me, this is a big deal; I want to see my brother tie the knot and I'd be honored to be his Best Man. The downside is that there's a lot of stuff that will be putting my anxiety through the roof.

Firstly, I am not a fan of air travel; the last time I was on a plane, I had my head down for the whole journey because of how stressed out I was - even though the journey was less than an hour long, it felt like an eternity.
Secondly, I'm going to be going to a place that I've never being to so that is going to have me concerned
Thirdly, I'm going to have to wear a suit for the wedding; which is definitely not a type of clothing that I like wearing.
Finally, although the wedding will be non-traditional and small I'm concerned about if I have to make conversation with people I don't know.

Do you guys think I should go ahead with it or not, and if so what would you recommend I do to reduce the stress?
Thank you for your time.

The psychological Advice is to do it gradually , so go to the airport gradually ,plan for wearing a suit gradually -try it on beforehand -take it off again ,read up about Gibraltar -which part of the aeroplane would make you feel calmest , Read a Hotel guide -see what the hotel is like ,psychologists would call what you have done in the past flooding, (doing it all at once )it's recommended to do it gradually .

 

[Judge]

I had similar concerns being my brother's best man at his wedding. But I was able to logically consider one simple reality which for me, lifted much of the social concerns.

All the attention was on my brother and his bride. Not me. It made the rest of concerns I had much more tolerable.

 

[pjcnet]

I know exactly how you must be feeling, I've cancelled going away even for short trips because of the anxiety of going and going abroad to a wedding must be a lot worse. It's a horrid feeling deciding whether to go too, in one hand you don't want to miss out and you want to support your brother, but on the other it would feel like a massive relief if you don't have to worry about it.

I will however say that if you do pluck up the courage to go you are likely to be proud of yourself for it and things normally get better for me once I actually leave and a lot better once I've arrived (it's often the build up thinking about going away that can be the worst). If you don't go you may feel a bit guilty as you will have missed out on what is a one off event even if your brother does fully understand and you may well feel bad in yourself for not being able to do it.

It will help if you have other people you trust travelling with you and if everything is nicely pre-planned. You may also want to look around your travel destination on Google Earth so you become somewhat familiar with the area first too, if you are lucky you will have a street view option too (it helps me). As far as having a phobia of flying, well there's not a lot I can say except that you are not alone and it is proven that flying is the safest way to travel (I'm sorry if you are sick of being reminded of that), try to have something to occupy yourself during the flight. I know how you must feel however as I feel very uncomfortable just being driven down the motorway in the UK and I'm constantly counting down the miles left before the turn off which seems to take an eternity to go down (UK motorways are somewhat similar to freeways in the USA, except they have a 70 MPH speed limit).

I hope you find the courage to go and I'm sure you will be glad you did. I wish you the very best of luck!

 

[Ambi]

I think you should consider whether you could learn to manage the cumulative stresses enough to still look confident and happy and relaxed while performing your best man duties, even if that just means showing up on time, wearing the right outfit, properly groomed/looking the part, and standing up there for the ceremony pleasantly. Afterall the day is ultimately about the bride and groom and them having an awesome wedding - if you think the stresses would cause you to have trouble with being the best man in such a way that would affect their ceremony, then no matter how much you'd like the honor of doing that, I would back down. Key point: Just keep remembering you should be doing what is best for them, they are the focus, this is about them, and them having a beautiful wedding with no glitches if possible. And generally weddings should be pleasant, so consider whether you could manage to be pleasant, even if not a social butterfly. You can still go there to see your brother married no matter what, so you aren't missing out on that. Now, if you think you could implement enough anxiety control to cope with the stresses and be a decent best man who will not distract away from the bride and groom, go for it

I was extremely stressed out as maid of honor for my best friend. I will never do that again. But she really, really wanted me to do it, speech and all, so I did. That involved flying across the country, hanging out with her friends whom I didn't even fit in with or like, a number of pre-wedding social events.....it all sucked for me. But I knew I could come off as confident in the roles I had, and my speech was well-received, so I am glad that she enjoyed the role I played. But never again!!

 

[Mia]

Think if it were me, I would go a day or two ahead of time and familiarize myself with the area, so I wouldn't get lost. By the time the wedding took place I would have become somewhat comfortable and gotten over the stress of the flight, the food, the strangeness of new surroundings.

As for the clothing, I would also have worn it for a little while beforehand, and attempted to make it as comfortable as possible, removing tags, steaming it to make it a little softer. Wearing comfortable shoes, nothing new, so they were broken in a little.

So that there were fewer surprises and last minute things that tend to make me anxious.

 

[SusanLR]

I can see the cumulative stressors here.
The only one I could not handle would be the flying overseas to get there.
I could not handle that one. I will not fly.
I remember a comedian a long time ago that gave
the perfect answer as to why he would't fly:
"Knowing there is about six inches of metal between me and thousands of feet to the ground is good enough reason."
On top of that, for myself, setting cramped up with so many people around me, where do you go when you get a severe panic attack on a plane? They would have to sedate me and have a nurse accompany me. And I've heard of some people doing that.
Not to discourage you, but, these are my feelings.
I too am anxious just going for miles on a freeway in a car.

Otherwise, I would go a few days earlier also and get a feel for everything to come and try to relax a bit before the day.
Ultimately it's up to you. Big decision.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

When was the last time you flew?

Where will your flight take off?

Which airline?

If its London, youll have to allow a week to get there,as i know you still have horse and carts down in hull

I've flown quite often, so there's a few things to make it easier.

Will security be an issue? Or is it more specifically the flight itself?

 

[AGXStarseed]

When was the last time you flew?

Where will your flight take off?

Which airline?

If its London, youll have to allow a week to get there,as i know you still have horse and carts down in hull

I've flown quite often, so there's a few things to make it easier.

Will security be an issue? Or is it more specifically the flight itself?

No idea on the flight or airline as my brother and his girlfriend are still planning, so nothing is set in stone yet apart from the destination.
The last time I flew was back in 2008 for a short holiday in Ireland; Even though the journey was shorter in length then my bus journeys to work, it still had me on edge big time.

For me, the issue is the flight itself; SusanLR's comment about a comedian's reason for not flying is pretty much my reason as well:
"Knowing there is about six inches of metal between me and thousands of feet to the ground is good enough reason."

As for your comment about Hull, I don't know if you were joking or being serious; the only people in Hull I've seen using a horse and cart are Rag and Bone men - and even that's a rarity as most times they drive around in pickup trucks.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

No idea on the flight or airline as my brother and his girlfriend are still planning, so nothing is set in stone yet apart from the destination.
The last time I flew was back in 2008 for a short holiday in Ireland; Even though the journey was shorter in length then my bus journeys to work, it still had me on edge big time.

For me, the issue is the flight itself; SusanLR's comment about a comedian's reason for not flying is pretty much my reason as well:
"Knowing there is about six inches of metal between me and thousands of feet to the ground is good enough reason."

As for your comment about Hull, I don't know if you were joking or being serious; the only people in Hull I've seen using a horse and cart are Rag and Bone men - and even that's a rarity as most times they drive around in pickup trucks.

Sounds like hull has been upgraded then We've got one cart between us up here, in our mud huts.

Standard : Slip on shoes, no belt, nothing in pockets. So wallets and passports go into your carry on bag.

Security - rarely ask to take off your shoes, Cargo pants are a no-no.

Once through security I transfer ear plugs back into pockets.

I carry macks ear plugs, over-ear headphones,face mask, mobile phone and tablet, mints.

If I know I have ear plugs in my pocket it makes it easier. Ear plugs and headphones works best.

You are allowed to use your devices on take off and landing now,as well as headphones.

So you can be prepared - with music,things to watch. It's all about distraction. You've got loads of time to get something that will really engage you for the length of the flight. Your own stuff and good headphones will be much better than anything the airline gives you. A short haul flight, a couple of hours, so they won't give you much.

Window seat - further away from the people and aisle traffic. Not sure if the view may affect you - maybe once you're up, you're up.

Landing - music, headphones,mints - tv series would probably work best.

Also think of carrying an extra charging battery for your devices (like a mophie thing)

I've got my devices, headphones, lots of power -mints -so I can focus,zone out, I could be anywhere.

Avoid alcohol unless you're used to it. Can work well, one or two -

So that's more or less me - took more than 20 flights last year.

Security actually bothers me more than flying so I try to plan that out,so I don't lose it when things go a bit wrong - got stopped four times and sent back through - cargo trousers , shoes off, watch off... went off without picking my watch up.... lost my routine that day!

 

[Ambi]

No idea on the flight or airline as my brother and his girlfriend are still planning, so nothing is set in stone yet apart from the destination.
The last time I flew was back in 2008 for a short holiday in Ireland; Even though the journey was shorter in length then my bus journeys to work, it still had me on edge big time.

For me, the issue is the flight itself; SusanLR's comment about a comedian's reason for not flying is pretty much my reason as well:
"Knowing there is about six inches of metal between me and thousands of feet to the ground is good enough reason."

As for your comment about Hull, I don't know if you were joking or being serious; the only people in Hull I've seen using a horse and cart are Rag and Bone men - and even that's a rarity as most times they drive around in pickup trucks.

Though I don't like flying, I am forced to at times. I hate being up in the air, too! What I do when feeling nervous or especially during minor turbulence is this, if it helps: I pretend very hard that I am just in a car on a very bumpy road. I have been in countries where the roads are terrible, so that's what helps. It doesn't increase my comfort, but it does keep me from panicking.