I need an advice...about living life

[BlackCubeIsI]

I don't know how to describe all this mess. Also English isn't my native language) Few days ago I ended my first friendship. It's a long unpleasant story therefore I'm not going to tell it. I think I have had it because I wanted to have a friend and he was available and we were interested in each other intellectually. If you're also autistic, you understand that it's always serious. And when I picked him as a friend, I started to treat him as a friend. I was trying too hard. I have been trying for four years. I finished it several times. Every time after, he apologized. I always was infinitely happy and forgave him. Every time it felt worse of course. For some time I had been thinking everything fixed, but then it was another problem or the same one which he didn't understand. Maybe I'm not too well in expressing my feelings, but usually I had not talked to him about the problem, because it wouldn't be solved or maybe even understood. A month ago at my birthday (after it) I had a terrible meltdown, because I understood he doesn't even care about me. I wanted to stop hating my birthdays and then I had that one, which should be different and maybe it was the worst one.

I had been thinking over it for a month and I decided to finish that. It was difficult to have an unequal relationship even more because of my efforts. He's known about my autism for four years and he hasn't even explored it a little therefore he doesn't understand all the problems with unexpected and unplanned things I had...he had broken my routine several times on purpose, because he didn't understand why I'm doing that. Every time I tried to be flexible and change my behavior for him, because I wanted to be his friend. Though after my last birthday I didn't had energy for several days and something got broken - I wasn't happy to see, hear or chat with him though it wasn't ever often. I understood how unhealthy this relationship is. But I have been supporting them for four years (almost by myself) by significant part of my energy. It seems I have a problem. I don't know what have just happened in my head, but I understood how important self-protection is and that I should always care about my feelings, health, comfort, stability and other things - what is really unusual for me. Maybe I should protect my routine...my time...my stillness..take care of my nerves..

And I really don't know what is happening now. I just don't feel too much resources... I was upset for several days. People usually say there are a lot of fish in the sea, but I don't need an abstract friend, I need that one. I know he was an awful friend though I miss him. Maybe I still love him, but I can't be friends with him. My psyche can't bear it. Therefore I'm upset, sad, miserable right now and other things don't make me happy me...even an admission to the university I ever wanted.

I don't know how to live my autistic life. I feel everything got broken. Me too. And I need something new, but I don't know what it is. Maybe you were going through something similar and maybe you can give me an advice. Thank you and sorry for such a big text.

 

[Xinyta]

From what it sounds like. They made things uncomfortable with the lack of understanding with your ASD. I cannot say if this ignorance is purposeful or an accident. NTs and NDs function on two different levels and those differences, especially when communicating. Can make NTs, who are unable to even mildly understand, to look at what you do as odd or off.

But looking at this in the context of how that relationship is only based on common interests. That, on it's own, isn't enough to maintain a meaningful relationship. I have lived a good chunk of my life doing this. Can being around people who share your common interests have it's fun moments? Yes. But it cannot last on that alone. It's a passing fancy, in most cases.

The best you can do is try to move on. It's hard to do, but take what you know and have learned from that relationship. Then adjust for the next people you meet, and potentially befriend.

 

[Aspychata]

Sorry you are going thru a difficult period. Exactly what type of advice are you looking for? Was that person may be your type? Do you have a particular type that really pulls you in? Is it disruption of your schedule that might be a trigger for you?

 

[BlackCubeIsI]

Exactly what type of advice are you looking for?

The best you can do is try to move on.

I really want to move on...I have to. I don't know how. Really don't know. I have just recently recognized my way of living life doesn't work, but I don't have another one. How can I live without...struggling like in that case?
All things above about self-care are...pretty new... It seems natural for people care about themselves, but in my life something went wrong as I can see. I can't imagine that. Usually I just endure discomfort. That's all I can do. And I'm pretty good at that...though after all it's bad for me in all-round point, except I'm not punished by people around. I really don't want to talk with people about autism (even if they supposed to be supportive and close) in my 'tolerate-kind-inclusive' country. It doesn't seem a way out. Even when I tried (see above) it didn't work. Also I can share with people some information without telling about autism...but it's anticipating they will just ignore it (see above). So I should do something by myself...and what I can do? People definitely wouldn't adjust to me and I will be alone. I think even my potential-friends wouldn't want to meet fixed number of times in fixed time per fixed period (I can make exceptions, but still strange for others). That's only one example...

 

[Aspychata]

Writing out your feelings here at this forum is very helpful. You can take control and seek self-acceptance and awareness of just being you perhaps?

 

[Xinyta]

I really want to move on...I have to. I don't know how. Really don't know. I have just recently recognized my way of living life doesn't work, but I don't have another one. How can I live without...struggling like in that case?

This is a hard question to answer. Namely because we all will have our own ways to cope, learn, and adapt.

But one thing I can say, is that you cannot escape struggle. It's apart of the trails of life. But it's up to you with how you wish to face and overcome that struggle. How you overcome and move on is something only you can dictate. Others can provide advice. But they cannot outright provide advice that will instantly fix your situation.

Sometimes things cannot 'get fixed' the way we like. And we must be willing to take the punches of life.

All things above about self-care are...pretty new... It seems natural for people care about themselves, but in my life something went wrong as I can see. I can't imagine that. Usually I just endure discomfort. That's all I can do. And I'm pretty good at that...though after all it's bad for me in all-round point, except I'm not punished by people around. I really don't want to talk with people about autism (even if they supposed to be supportive and close) in my 'tolerate-kind-inclusive' country. It doesn't seem a way out. Even when I tried (see above) it didn't work. Also I can share with people some information without telling about autism...but it's anticipating they will just ignore it (see above). So I should do something by myself...and what I can do? People definitely wouldn't adjust to me and I will be alone. I think even my potential-friends wouldn't want to meet fixed number of times in fixed time per fixed period (I can make exceptions, but still strange for others). That's only one example...

It is okay to not want to hear acceptance platitudes. They can be annoying and almost more like people talk to you out of guilt. Like you are a deathly sick or something.

But it's also unhealthy to bare unnecessary pain, if it's avoidable. Pain and struggle are nessissary up to a point. When it becomes unjustifiable to maintain. Dropping it is the best, and typically the only, option.

There is this aspect of not wanting to be alone. I get that. Though at the end of it. There are situations where being alone is better, than suffering for no good reason. That doesn't mean you have to be isolated.

At the end of it. If a relationship with someone is not meant to be. It's simply not meant to be. It's not your fault. It's not anyone's fault. It's just how things simply are.

 

[Aspychata]

Sometimes life really feels like so much discomfort or too much discomfort. Nothing can explain that feeling away, some people practice meditation ,
others seek therapy and meds, why others self-medicate. Trying to ground yourself is helpful. Having a routine, self-care, support system of good friends, a exercise routine, even owing a pet.

 

[BlackCubeIsI]

Writing out your feelings here at this forum is very helpful. You can take control and seek self-acceptance and awareness of just being you perhaps?

Good try. But it doesn't help. I can share something and at the moment feel a little better. I can think whatever I want. But it's not in my head... I have life and if I struggle all the time, I can think and share whatever I want, but I still will struggle. I still will have meltdowns... I had that enough... I can't live like that.

Nearly all my life from time to time I feel some strange thing: I can hear my heart, I feel my breath is getting faster, shrinking feeling in my chest - that's what people call anxiety, but I always tried and nearly always failed with founding a reason. I have recently recognized it! It's sensory stuff. I can think that I can bear smells, sounds, touching (ok, no, I usually don't let people do that), lights, but my body gives me the physical anxiety. And if I to take earphones and put them on...in some time it comes better. I noticed just feeling of earphones is calming.

Maybe adapted, mostly calm, cool, still autistic guy somewhere lives and he can tell me how to do that...
Ok, not completely calm, but you got it
I feel autistic people in movies live better lives than me. As though they...resist things they don't like...
I don't know...

 

[BlackCubeIsI]

But one thing I can say, is that you cannot escape struggle.

I don't want to escape struggling - I want escape most of struggling as I described

 

[Aspychata]

So the 24/7 struggle is your main issue, and sensory issues occupy alot of that struggle perhaps?

 

[BlackCubeIsI]

So the 24/7 struggle is your main issue, and sensory issues occupy alot of that struggle perhaps?

Not 24/7 - no one struggle 24/7 I think...
Yeah, sensory issues definitely a big part of that... Especially when I want to be with other people... People like what I don't like. And it seems as the choice between struggling-adjusting and friends/partner/social-time.
And the second big problem that I don't like changing plans and I want to have...stable every day routine, but as I have someone nearby it drops.

 

[BlackCubeIsI]

I start to feel it can't be solved
Maybe I already don't know what particularly I want from you guys
Maybe I want to know how normal autistic life looks like...and how people make it...

 

[Aspychata]

Changing plans or routines and dealing with sensory issues is mentioned quite a bit at this forum, and causes many of us issues as l read the forum posts here. l regularly take time away from the guy l live with, and we have separate bedrooms which is now a requirement for me.

 

[CurlyGirl]

It was a hard learned lesson, but my biggest piece of advice is to not try to change who you are in order to be in a relationship because if you do, that relationship is doomed to fail. Failure may not seem apparent in the beginning - but it's inevitable because you are not being authentic.

I did a post this morning (before reading your post) asking whether members on this site were in relationships with other autistic people. You might want to have a look at that post. I've made terrible choices throughout my life, and I hung in for long periods of time. In my first marriage, I kept trying to be a better wife, until around the 13 year mark it FINALLY occurred to me that no matter how hard I tried, I was never going to be good enough for him. In my second relationship, I knew he had cheated on previous partners but didn't believe it would do that to me. And in my third relationship, I kept believing that sooner or later he would realize that I was worthy of his love. It was this third relationship that was the hardest one to walk away from, but I did it because I finally realized he would use me as a soft landing place until I finally said 'No'.

Loneliness is a horrible experience, but there are other ways to fill that void. Is there some volunteer work you would like to do? Maybe at an animal shelter if you like animals? Is there a support group for autistic adults in your community? If not, maybe you could start one?

 

[JayCee]

So sorry you are going through these circumstances and first loves are always the hardest
to let go of, if necessary . but afterwards , when it occurs,if it occurs, it can be a great learning experience in where you want to set your boundries in relationships . Even limits. of how much you are willing to compromise your life. Just a thought after reading about you interacting with your other ( friend) I might be inclined to ask you if you have possibly
ended up interacting with someone whom, may have a case of Narcisstic personality syndrome..? Just a thought for a suggested reading topic. ( not meant to offend you or your other.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

Now at 70 I have learned first being on the spectrum my closest friends all hve also been on the spectrum. Lost a couple as they passed, hard to replace, why I joined this forum.

 

[JayCee]

Nice to have you here Ronald Zeeman