I just want people to be kind in here.

[Wizardry]

I don't know if you've been attacked (I didn't read every reply) but I think it's common for people who are depressed to interpret things more negatively, which can result in perceiving an attack when the others were just trying to provide helpful advice.

What do you think the problem is?


I'm a little confused. You said you're not here for "tips" but then say "bad advice is better than no response."

He specifically took issue with your last comment in his previous thread.

He doesn't seem to want to be told to improve himself or change his approach.

 

[BrianWV39]

I guess I would just say I am lonely enough to tolerate a wide variety of responses. That said I know I am completly capable of a relationship and being a great boyfriend to someone. That issue is not up for debate to any degree

I do not need to improve or change to be ready for a relationship. I know getting into a relationship is a challenge. If people want to give me advice in how I can get into a relationship I am all ears.

But I am not here to be told by complete strangers who do not know me from Adam that I am not capable of a relationship. That issue is not open for debate as far as I am concerned

 

[tree]

If no changes are necessary, why do you
bother talking at length about how you
yearn for......the change of having a girl
friend?

 

[BrianWV39]

If no changes are necessary, why do you
bother talking at length about how you
yearn for......the change of having a girl
friend?

I want a girlfriend and I want a relationship that is by far my biggest goal and purpose in life

I know I am capable of a relationship and being a great boyfriend to the right person

Alas I have been single all my life though. So, I am talking about my challenge of getting into a relationship

 

[JayCee]

Have noticed , that many times have noticed misunderstandings on this site , and tried
to help understanding , between misunderstandings occassionally in my more regular times spent here recently . Seen the attacks in several threads on less adept social members here as well. Seemingly unwarranted. But I am not trying to pass judgement but rather allow some understandings . imho People do tend to get suspicious of any remarks about seeking companionship on this site . IMHO.

 

[Wizardry]

If no changes are necessary, why do you
bother talking at length about how you
yearn for......the change of having a girl
friend?

Because he thinks no changes are necessary in order for him to be likely to succeed at getting a girlfriend, not that a change in his relationship status isn't necessary.

Everyone else seems to disagree with him there, but that doesn't seem to affect his perspective at all.

 

[BrianWV39]

Have noticed , that many times have noticed misunderstandings on this site , and tried
to help understanding , between misunderstandings occassionally in my more regular times spent here recently . Seen the attacks in several threads on less adept social members here as well. Seemingly unwarranted. But I am not trying to pass judgement but rather allow some understandings . imho People do tend to get suspicious of any remarks about seeking companionship on this site . IMHO.

That is ok to me and thank you so much for sharing.

I just have not met the right person yet. But I hopefully will someday

 

[Judge]

But I am not here to be told by complete strangers who do not know me from Adam that I am not capable of a relationship. That issue is not open for debate as far as I am concerned

That I have to agree with. Something that occasionally pops up with others with very similar issues.

I like to think that we all deserve a basic right to a pursuit of happiness.

That in our case perhaps, it just takes an eclectic combination of persistence and luck to find the right person, but without any guarantees. Someone who can accept us for who we are and not try to change us into someone we aren't and can never be. Admittedly, for most of us it can be a real challenge.

 

[BrianWV39]

That I have to agree with. Something that occasionally pops up with others with very similar issues.

I like to think that we all deserve a basic right to a pursuit of happiness.

That in our case perhaps, it just takes an eclectic combination of persistence and luck to find the right person, but without any guarantees. Someone who can accept us for who we are and not try to change us into someone we aren't and can never be.

Thank you so very much

That is remarkably kind of you to say

 

[Matthias]

I want a girlfriend and I want a relationship that is by far my biggest goal and purpose in life

I know I am capable of a relationship and being a great boyfriend to the right person

Alas I have been single all my life though. So, I am talking about my challenge of getting into a relationship

It may be true that you're capable of a relationship and being a great boyfriend to the right person but how can you know that if you've never been in a relationship? Note: I'm not questioning or doubting your statement. I'm just curious how you can know that.

Not wanting to discuss your capability is understandable. If you've never been on a date, I agree with you that focusing on getting into a relationship is more important than your ability to maintain that relationship.

 

[BrianWV39]

It may be true that you're capable of a relationship and being a great boyfriend to the right person but how can you know that if you've never been in a relationship? Note: I'm not questioning or doubting your statement. I'm just curious how you can know that.

Not wanting to discuss your capability is understandable. If you've never been on a date, I agree with you that focusing on getting into a relationship is more important than your ability to maintain that relationship.

That is a fair question. Socially I have my strengths and weaknesses. I have had to learn what I can and cannot do on a daily basis. Many of these lessons have been beyond painful and emotionally devastating. I have come a long way in understanding what I am and what I am not capable of. There are many avenues of life that are forever closed to me. I regret some of them, and I am more than happy to live without many of them

My life has not just been about discovering my weaknesses and the parts of my life that I will always struggle with. I have also learned I have many unique abilities and strengths. I have never known a person who finds a way to bounce back from struggles faster than me. I have had so many bleak and down moments in my life. Somehow someway I have always stayed positive and optimistic. I get myself up, readjust and move on. I have had more painful and depressing moments in my life than I could ever begin to recall (although it often feels like my brain tries to remind me of all of those moments), yet I know I have an inner strength that I can rely on and always find a way to bounce back

Another strength of mine is that all things considered, I am half decent at one-on-one relationships. It is more groups and social dynamics that I completely fall apart both mentally and socially. I seem to be able to handle and have great relationships with a person one on one.

I am about 11 months away from turning forty I have learned quite a bit about people and myself. I know I am more than ready and capable of a great relationship. I have been paying attention

 

[thejuice]

I don't know if you've been attacked (I didn't read every reply)

I have seen at least one unwarranted, nasty attack.

 

[Isaac]

Have you tried anything to combat your depression? Because you say you have lost your interests and hobbies and whatnot. I understand the focus on finding a girlfriend, but you don't have to give up on that to focus on other things that also make you happy.

 

[BrianWV39]

Have you tried anything to combat your depression?

Yes, I went to therapy on a weekly basis (sometimes bi-weekly) for about ten years. From my early 20s until my early thirties. I was put on a couple of different SSRIs.

The problem is my depression stems from being single. I could go to therapy endlessly and not get it solved outside of a relationship. As Wizardly has aptly pointed out, it is probably best to think of my depression as a form of grief over never been in a romantic relationship before.

There only seems to be one way to solve this grief/depression. I am working on it

 

[velociraptor]

I do sincerely wish you the best @BrianWV39 - I am sorry if my responses are less than helpful to you. I can only relate what has worked well for me and I am one of those people who has had the deck stacked against me most of my life. I'm also one of those people who is stubborn as heck and who fights back.

 

[Matthias]

That is a fair question. Socially I have my strengths and weaknesses. I have had to learn what I can and cannot do on a daily basis. Many of these lessons have been beyond painful and emotionally devastating. I have come a long way in understanding what I am and what I am not capable of. There are many avenues of life that are forever closed to me. I regret some of them, and I am more than happy to live without many of them

My life has not just been about discovering my weaknesses and the parts of my life that I will always struggle with. I have also learned I have many unique abilities and strengths. I have never known a person who finds a way to bounce back from struggles faster than me. I have had so many bleak and down moments in my life. Somehow someway I have always stayed positive and optimistic. I get myself up, readjust and move on. I have had more painful and depressing moments in my life than I could ever begin to recall (although it often feels like my brain tries to remind me of all of those moments), yet I know I have an inner strength that I can rely on and always find a way to bounce back

Another strength of mine is that all things considered, I am half decent at one-on-one relationships. It is more groups and social dynamics that I completely fall apart both mentally and socially. I seem to be able to handle and have great relationships with a person one on one.

I am about 11 months away from turning forty I have learned quite a bit about people and myself. I know I am more than ready and capable of a great relationship. I have been paying attention

It sounds like you're capable of a relationship. What do you think prevents you from getting a girlfriend?

 

[BrianWV39]

I do sincerely wish you the best @BrianWV39 - I am sorry if my responses are less than helpful to you. I can only relate what has worked well for me and I am one of those people who has had the deck stacked against me most of my life. I'm also one of those people who is stubborn as heck and who fights back.

Thank you very much

 

[Isaac]

Yes, I went to therapy on a weekly basis (sometimes bi-weekly) for about ten years. From my early 20s until my early thirties. I was put on a couple of different SSRIs.

The problem is my depression stems from being single. I could go to therapy endlessly and not get it solved outside of a relationship. As Wizardly has aptly pointed out, it is probably best to think of my depression as a form of grief over never been in a romantic relationship before.

There only seems to be one way to solve this grief/depression. I am working on it

Do you still participate in your hobbies despite not being interested in them? If you don't, consider doing them anyway. You might be able to meet the right person and talk about those mutual hobbies and interests. Even though you might not be interested in them right now, you probably will be again once you find the right person, like you said. And heck, maybe you'll find that those hobbies still do provide some measure of enjoyment and/or peace. Just spitballing here.

 

[BrianWV39]

It sounds like you're capable of a relationship. What do you think prevents you from getting a girlfriend?

Isn't it obvious? I don't really play by the rules.

I am a very noncompetitive person. I don't really believe in self-improvement or comparing myself to others. As harsh as life has been to me socially in many respects life has gone very easy on me. I have managed to get three degrees without ever studying. I would do the bare minimum when it comes to assignments and essays, turn them in ger B's and I was always happy.

I never really stressed things like a career. I was always more interested in the human aspects of life. Friendships, love, art, relationship, things like that. So, when I was younger, I put most of my focus into those avenues. Had I known how different I was and that I was autistic I probably would have pursued other interests in life. Alas I thought everyone was like me, so I threw myself headfirst into love, friendships and relationships.

This did not go well for me for completely obvious reasons. That is when I stared having issues with depression, anxiety and started going to extensive therapy.

I seem to break a lot of unwritten rules that women quite frankly just seem to hate. One lesson I have repeatedly learned is that I am probably the world's worst salesmen. I could not sell a glass of water a man dying of thirst. I am so different that my ability to connect and persuade people seems to be at about zero.

So even though I was at parties, going to bars, talking to women I made absolutely zero progress. I was never going to be what a neurotypical woman was looking for. Things like money, improving myself, being popular, having success, being competitive and getting good at things was just not my jam- never has been, never will be. Thus, even though I was talking to and asking women out I was certainly not what they were looking for.

I simply had no clue how different I was and that my perception of the world was so very unique. As you can imagine an autistic guy like me moving deeper into my 20s, without any career or financial success, no friends, no social life; I was not exactly having women beat on my door lol.

Even without friends or a social life I did my best to keep going out socially. I went to grad school in a small college town in the Midwest. I went out drinking to bars most nights Wed-Sun. But I mostly sat alone. I had no idea how to engage or get people to like me. So, I sat there, drinking.

The older I got the worse my depression got, the worst my anxiety got, and my social isolation grew worse.

When I was thirty, I briefly reconnected with someone I knew about ten years earlier. We had worked at the same waterpark when I was twenty, we were both lifeguards. We had texted a little back in the day, but she had a long-time boyfriend at the time. Needless to say, I was smitten. We both went our different paths in life but about ten years later found ourselves living in the same city. She had a failed marriage by then and one kid. We started texting back and forth a little. Even talked on the phone one time.

Finally, she asked me what I did for a living. I told her I worked at Home Depot. She then asked, like in HR or at cooperate? No, I responded, just a basic job, I was a cashier. She never talked to me again

One more rejection story (I have a thousand of them), this goes back to my college days as well- hey I was more social then- anyways I was 22. I was about to enter my last year as an undergrad. Again, I was working as a lifeguard at a waterpark. I had a crush on this one girl for a couple of summers. Finally, I asked her out. She said, "I am sorry I just got out of a relationship and am not really interested in anything else right now." That was in late May or early June. In late July or early August I asked her out again, she responded "I am sorry but I just got out of a relationship and I am not really interested in another relationship right now." I gave her just a little bit of pushback. I was like "It has been a solid two months. She then kindly told me "Actually since you asked me out back in June I have been in another relationship and I am still recovering from that one."

It has always been like that for me. I am not really what women are looking for.

 

[BrianWV39]

Do you still participate in your hobbies despite not being interested in them? If you don't, consider doing them anyway. You might be able to meet the right person and talk about those mutual hobbies and interests. Even though you might not be interested in them right now, you probably will be again once you find the right person, like you said. And heck, maybe you'll find that those hobbies still do provide some measure of enjoyment and/or peace. Just spitballing here.

To one extent or another my hobbies have always been reading, writing, movies, music, trying to get into a relationship and getting high/drunk.

I no longer drink for health reasons. The others, I still to my best to partake in them somewhat. I have lost a lot of joy in reading and watching movies though. Those are the two hobbies I will confess I hope come back to me when I am in a relationship.

Thank you for asking