I never did a DAMN THING to deserve this crap so why do I feel so bad?
It has become impossible to figure out who has hated on who the most often in this relationship.
Today he gave me a lecture on respect acting like a bloody pious pompous prickly professor. What I did? I made a comment on how I hoped he wasn't letting his mother walk all over him. I never said she was, I said I hoped he was not.
I sent him a hateful email hating on him right back and telling him how much of a hypocrite he was.
As usual, my temper and sense of shame and my HATRED of people exploiting my sense of shame took over and ruined everything again.
Maybe he is just mad at me for making no effort to get more mental health treatment. But it's just as hard to get it up here as it was down there.
I still read Zach Lassiter's and Katelyn Kenitz's blogs and I sometimes feel they are better off than us. In their situation I would know what to do. In this situation I don't know what to do. I read the dozens of diary entries detailing the scandalous Kenitz-Lassiter drama to get away from my problems with Stan and my own family ****. If I consider THAT a welcome break, I know there's something wrong. I also read it because there are many parallels between their situation and ours. But it's also hugely different. When I felt a little better I would read their drama, still to feel like someone else knew what I was talking about and felt my pain, but it made me realize in a way that Stan and I were pretty damn lucky. But now there is no more of that.
This is so wrong. And nobody can replace Lars. Heck; no one can replace Stan. But I keep thinking of going to a sperm bank and having another baby, one that would not be exposed to Stan's issues. I would love that child to death and still never forget about Lars, and I still want Lars but it's like I can't have him. God knows what he is thinking, but I doubt (because something tells me) that he would even let me onto his front lawn, let alone in his house. I think about living on the street down there and visiting Lars. I think about taking him to court for Lars. I think about getting everyone together to be there with me when I visit Lars so that Stan can't abuse my visits or whatever. I think about showing up on his doorstep; what he might do. I think about sleeping on his front lawn. I think about sitting on his front lawn until he calls the cops. I think about blowing my brains out on his front lawn. (Counter-productive, I know.)
The last time he let an ex-gf into his house, he got her drunk on purpose knowing she would get violent, and then she broke a window and gave him a few bruises and he called the cops, making sure to write in the police report that he had an autism spectrum disorder, because when the victim has a disability the perpetrator gets punished more severely.
He brags about suing people. He bragged about pretending the other driver in an accident had injured him when he had already had that injury. He bragged about wanting to sue this one, that one, the other one. I bet my boots he even bragged about suing me. Though he claims he never tried to "get one over on me"... he even claimed not to know the expression "get one over on me". He bragged about getting $500 from someone for emotional trauma and lamented that he should have asked for $1000.
I admit that I didn't deserve Lars. But I want to show Lars that now I do deserve him, that I'll love him and respect him and always be there for him, with or without Stan.
This bastard is a hypocrite about many things, short-tempered often, the kind of person that is no better than me at keeping promises, a police informer, a nonverbal liar (like, he'll tell the truth in his words but still decieves some people,) a manipulator, and I still love him, because I promised I would and when I saw him for the first time and also when I got my 5th or so PM from him on WP I knew he was perfect. It's me that's the matter. I feel really diety and ****** right now because I almost said "Please help me love him." I do love him so much underneath it all. But what can I do to prove it to him? Die for him? Is that the only way? Well, then I wish for an opportunity to do so. I keep thinking of those awful meetings of parents of kids with ASDs with one mother saying "Please help me love my child." An Aspie who was also in the group was so disgusted, scandalized and horrified that he never went to another meeting after that. I am no better than that shithead *****. And I don't know what's worse: knowing I'm that bad or not knowing it.
It has become impossible to figure out who has hated on who the most often in this relationship.
Today he gave me a lecture on respect acting like a bloody pious pompous prickly professor. What I did? I made a comment on how I hoped he wasn't letting his mother walk all over him. I never said she was, I said I hoped he was not.
I sent him a hateful email hating on him right back and telling him how much of a hypocrite he was.
As usual, my temper and sense of shame and my HATRED of people exploiting my sense of shame took over and ruined everything again.
Maybe he is just mad at me for making no effort to get more mental health treatment. But it's just as hard to get it up here as it was down there.
I still read Zach Lassiter's and Katelyn Kenitz's blogs and I sometimes feel they are better off than us. In their situation I would know what to do. In this situation I don't know what to do. I read the dozens of diary entries detailing the scandalous Kenitz-Lassiter drama to get away from my problems with Stan and my own family ****. If I consider THAT a welcome break, I know there's something wrong. I also read it because there are many parallels between their situation and ours. But it's also hugely different. When I felt a little better I would read their drama, still to feel like someone else knew what I was talking about and felt my pain, but it made me realize in a way that Stan and I were pretty damn lucky. But now there is no more of that.
This is so wrong. And nobody can replace Lars. Heck; no one can replace Stan. But I keep thinking of going to a sperm bank and having another baby, one that would not be exposed to Stan's issues. I would love that child to death and still never forget about Lars, and I still want Lars but it's like I can't have him. God knows what he is thinking, but I doubt (because something tells me) that he would even let me onto his front lawn, let alone in his house. I think about living on the street down there and visiting Lars. I think about taking him to court for Lars. I think about getting everyone together to be there with me when I visit Lars so that Stan can't abuse my visits or whatever. I think about showing up on his doorstep; what he might do. I think about sleeping on his front lawn. I think about sitting on his front lawn until he calls the cops. I think about blowing my brains out on his front lawn. (Counter-productive, I know.)
The last time he let an ex-gf into his house, he got her drunk on purpose knowing she would get violent, and then she broke a window and gave him a few bruises and he called the cops, making sure to write in the police report that he had an autism spectrum disorder, because when the victim has a disability the perpetrator gets punished more severely.
He brags about suing people. He bragged about pretending the other driver in an accident had injured him when he had already had that injury. He bragged about wanting to sue this one, that one, the other one. I bet my boots he even bragged about suing me. Though he claims he never tried to "get one over on me"... he even claimed not to know the expression "get one over on me". He bragged about getting $500 from someone for emotional trauma and lamented that he should have asked for $1000.
I admit that I didn't deserve Lars. But I want to show Lars that now I do deserve him, that I'll love him and respect him and always be there for him, with or without Stan.
This bastard is a hypocrite about many things, short-tempered often, the kind of person that is no better than me at keeping promises, a police informer, a nonverbal liar (like, he'll tell the truth in his words but still decieves some people,) a manipulator, and I still love him, because I promised I would and when I saw him for the first time and also when I got my 5th or so PM from him on WP I knew he was perfect. It's me that's the matter. I feel really diety and ****** right now because I almost said "Please help me love him." I do love him so much underneath it all. But what can I do to prove it to him? Die for him? Is that the only way? Well, then I wish for an opportunity to do so. I keep thinking of those awful meetings of parents of kids with ASDs with one mother saying "Please help me love my child." An Aspie who was also in the group was so disgusted, scandalized and horrified that he never went to another meeting after that. I am no better than that shithead *****. And I don't know what's worse: knowing I'm that bad or not knowing it.
