I feel aimless in life.

[Aspychata]

You have value I'm this lifetime. We support you here. You need to find value in yourself despite your twisted mommy dearest toxic emotionally sexually abusive pile of...............

 

[FayetheADHDsquirrel]

The only people in my life who really care if I live or if I die are the people I work with at my job - that is because I am the only person there who knows how to fix the database that everybody there uses. That is my sole reason to keep existing, it seems.

We care too. Also, it is not your fault what others did to you.

 

[Metalhead]

My therapist was encouraging me to take some writing classes at my local community college. I now know my mother was lying to me when she told me I would lose my Medicare if I signed up for one class at a time - she really does not want me to take college courses under any circumstances. She told me on a few occasions that if I took a class, I would not do my homework and therefore I would be throwing my money away. But the reason I was not doing my homework when I was in high school was because I was being physically assaulted at school every day back then by bullies, then I went home to my stepfather angrily throwing tantrums at me every night because the house was never perfectly spotless enough for him. Of course I was not going to have any motivation to get my grades up under those circumstances.

My mother claimed that my stepfather was always completely rational. Yes, the man who always told me how much he would love to go into my bedroom with a hammer and smash my entire music and movie collection right in front of me while telling me he could do that and break my bones and he could get away with it because nobody had any legal rights until they turned 18. The man who screamed a nonstop stream of profanity at me after I bought myself a movie he did not like. The man who told me I was emotionally blackmailing my mother after I made it clear I was not going to family gatherings where my rapist aunt was also invited.

The only way to win with my family is to not play. Sure, I have a couple of people telling me I should stand up for myself in the face of their gaslighting, but I see no need to add fuel to the fire. I should just put it down and walk away instead for my own sake. Their gaslighting is not a reflection of who I am as a person.

 

[Metalhead]

Seriously, I wanted to take writing classes for years. I remember a decade ago at a family gathering, I was proudly talking about how I intended to do just that, but then my mother slithered up next to me and with a smile, she told me the lie that I would lose my SSDI and my Medicare if I took one class at a time. Then my grandmother and my abusive aunt chimed in, saying that what my mother said made sense because taking a class proved I was able to work a desk job. I started to cry under this nonstop barrage, then my mother called me to a side room and started yelling at me about how I was ruining her day, then she demanded I gave her a hug and that I returned to the gathering with nothing but a smile on my face because all she wanted was to have a happy family gathering.

Yes, seriously. She wanted me to be her emotional support after she tried to tear me apart. She really is that narcissistic.

The same woman who told me a few times in the past that when I was hospitalized for suicidal ideation, that made her suicidal so I should think about that before I check myself into mental health care. I wish I were making that part up.

 

[FayetheADHDsquirrel]

My dad used to get a high from pitching fits and then making Mama and/or me give him a hug. After he had us in tears, he would be happy as a lark singing even. His tactics shift from time to time, but that one was common during my childhood.

 

[Metalhead]

I remember once, when I was 15, my stepfather threw a tantrum where he told me he could kick my ass and there would be nothing I could do about it, all because the kitchen floor was not 1000% spotless. Half an hour later, he calls a family gathering and starts crying, claiming that it hurt him that I was afraid of him and that he really was not looking for any reason he could to lash out at me. My mother and my sister then claimed I was being an asshole because I refused to play along with that game of his.

 

[FayetheADHDsquirrel]

@Metalhead Sounds like something my dad would do. My Mama stands up to him though. Sometimes I worry about her safety. He has hurt her before. People in the community think "he's the man" though. Whatever that means exactly.

 

[Kayla55]

With ASD how do life's little distractions come and go. Is it interest in new hobby, research, a debate. Maybe novelty of job worn off, so keep day job dis time and try get a new game to come back to, keep you busy.