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I don't feel like i am a good friend

dark cloud

Well-Known Member
Since I was 12 i am best friends with a boy (i am 28 now). My best friend recently lost his virginity. Lots of people fell in love with him in the past but he had sex with our female friend who both know 3-4 years and we are close. We both didn't expect it.

The reason why i don't feel a good friend it's because instead of being happy for him i'm jealous. I'm not in love with him but it triggered some of my insecurities.

My insecurities that i am not that special for him and he might prefer our friend who had sex with than me. Another insecurities are that i might not find someone to fall in love with me and i might end up alone.

I told him and he said he won't leave me as a friend and he feels connected with me as equal as our friend.

I believed him but i'm still jealous. I try to calm myself and think more logically.
 
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MildredHubble

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
Since I was 12 i am friends with a boy (i am 28 now).
Why don't you feel like you are a good friend? If you have been friends with someone that long you are probably doing something right?

Sometimes I wonder if I'm a good friend to people. I don't have a tendancy to socialise much so I can go for a very long time without seeing people. I've only got so much energy for that kind of stuff.

On the other hand, I haven't fallen out with any of my friends for decades. So I guess really I'm not bad friend, but I'm probably quite an unusual one when compared to most people.
 

dark cloud

Well-Known Member
Why don't you feel like you are a good friend? If you have been friends with someone that long you are probably doing something right?

Sometimes I wonder if I'm a good friend to people. I don't have a tendancy to socialise much so I can go for a very long time without seeing people. I've only got so much energy for that kind of stuff.

On the other hand, I haven't fallen out with any of my friends for decades. So I guess really I'm not bad friend, but I'm probably quite an unusual one when compared to most people.
Accidentally i posted without writing it all. Now I edited it and i wrote the reason.
 

MildredHubble

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
Accidentally i posted without writing it all. Now I edited it and i wrote the reason.
I see :) I've done that a few times, it usually happens when I'm using my phone.

It sounds like the situation with your friend just occurred recently? Maybe you are just having the feelings of jealousy as a reflex reaction to a new situation.

Everyone feels jealous once in a while. I'm sure as you adjust to a new paradigm the jealousy will dissolve away.

There are lots of people who will be very keen to overtly show negative emotions such as jealousy or anger etc and they are very unapologetic about it. You aren't doing that. It's better to feel the emotion and let it pass rather than try to suppress it. Suppression often makes things worse.
 

Au Naturel

Au Naturel
Since I was 12 i am best friends with a boy (i am 28 now). My best friend recently lost his virginity. Lots of people fell in love with him in the past but he had sex with our female friend who both know 3-4 years and we are close. We both didn't expect it.

The reason why i don't feel a good friend it's because instead of being happy for him i'm jealous. I'm not in love with him but it triggered some of my insecurities.

My insecurities that i am not that special for him and he might prefer our friend who had sex with than me. Another insecurities are that i might not find someone to fall in love with me and i might end up alone.

I told him and he said he won't leave me as a friend and he feels connected with me as equal as our friend.

I believed him but i'm still jealous. I try to calm myself and think more logically.
 

Rodafina

Hopefully Human
V.I.P Member
It makes sense that you are feeling this way. It’s good to talk about it with your friend. Jealousy is often related to your attachment style, and most simplistically, it is a reaction to the fear that a relationship that is important to you is threatened in some way.

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What Is Jealousy?

Jealousy embodies the set of thoughts, beliefs, emotions, and behaviors we experience when (we believe) our relationships are threatened.

Existing literature refers to the phenomenon of jealousy as having two main components: the experience and expression of it. The descriptions of both components are pretty straightforward:

1. The Experience of Jealousy

6 categories of emotions associated with jealousy in relationships

The experience of jealousy includes our thoughts (for example, trying to estimate whether a partner is interested in another person) and emotional reactions (for example, worrying, feeling insecure, or feeling sad or depressed).
Jealousy might be accompanied by a variety of negative emotions, and these emotions can be dependent on the form of the relationship that is affected; e.g romantic, friendship, or familial. Even though these emotions are usually context-specific, researchers have identified certain similarities and trends. One example of such patterns is the six categories of jealousy-related emotions, described by White and Mullen [5].

2. The Expression of Jealousy

Jealousy expression, as the name suggests, incorporates all the ways we demonstrate and communicate our jealousy; the jealousy-related thoughts and emotions. This, once again, can differ greatly between, and even within, individuals depending on the context.


I find understanding jealousy helps me to lessen its impact on me.
 

Slime_Punk

Drink bleach, live forever
V.I.P Member
I'm not sure I'm even capable of feeling jealousy, but sometimes it helps me to remember that nobody is fully inadequate when it comes to any area of life. Even if you mess up (and in your case, even that didn't happen).

Comparing yourself to others is probably the gateway to unhappiness for life, though. IMO, of course.
 

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