How to Overcome Loneliness in Midlife

[Vitamin Sea]

I’m in my late thirties and I’m going through social isolation after years and years of looking after my son with LFA. I haven’t met any close friend for the past two years, only leaving the house for school and for groceries.

I had a fall out with my brother and sister recently. A week after they saw my son having a tantrum, they suggested to me that I should take him to a priest to take away some kind of spirit possessing his body. That got me mad, I told them to read about autism, they have college degrees and why couldn’t they understand. Yet, they didn’t apologise nor exert an effort to reconcile. I think this case is non-negotiable, I don’t want to see them again until they change the way they think about my son’s autism. I had been really nice even when my other siblings had a very difficult time with that sister. She is manipulative with sociopathic traits, and she can easily tag my younger brother with her plans.

Last week, I had the chance to go out of town for three days to attend my husband’s graduation. He took up master’s degree in a university in a different island, the travel time takes about 4 hours and a half. My in laws took care of my son for about three days. I had a childhood friend who has settled in that place, so I sent her a message on Facebook three weeks before the graduation if we could meet. She agreed and we were both excited to meet each other. But when I got there, she said she wasn’t available for three days, she had to go to church, had an important appointment, had to go to work early, blah, blah.. I just responded, yeah, I understand, maybe next time. It was very important to me since I haven’t really met a friend for two years.

My husband has weekly out of town trips, leaving me with my son who is non verbal. I can only hear a human voice when my husband calls me or when I watch TV.

So, there’s just me meditating in the morning and still nervous and anxious about what’s wrong with me, why I don’t have any communication anymore. There’s just me keeping up with my son’s daily routine as suggested by his therapists. There’s just me trying to smile and be optimistic while arranging his crayons and remembering to eat my lunch.

I miss those days in my twenties when my friends and I could just agree to meet up randomly and we would have a complete attendance in an hour or so.

Midlife aspies, how do you overcome loneliness?

 

[Major Tom]

I'm in a similar situation with a LFA son, living in a foreign country. I've heard the religious bs from my family too, I've never felt like punching someone in the face so badly EVER.
I wish I had some advice for you, but I'm clueless myself as to what to do. Just keep on hanging in there and hopefully things will get better. (That's what I do at least). Good luck!

 

[Saphira]

If you are not seeing people on a regular basis then it is no wonder you are suffering.

Could skype or a similar app be helpful for you to at least see a friendly face? I know this is not ideal but better than nothing.

Perhaps you could connect with others on here and have a chat about being confined to your home or loneliness or just a friend who understands your situation.

Is this an option?

Is there any way you could get some support and someone could look after your son so you could have some time to yourself? Like join a local club and meet with real people?

 

[Vitamin Sea]

If you are not seeing people on a regular basis then it is no wonder you are suffering.

Could skype or a similar app be helpful for you to at least see a friendly face? I know this is not ideal but better than nothing.

Perhaps you could connect with others on here and have a chat about being confined to your home or loneliness or just a friend who understands your situation.

Is this an option?

Is there any way you could get some support and someone could look after your son so you could have some time to yourself? Like join a local club and meet with real people?

Thanks Saphira. I do keep in touch with my friends on fb once in a while. but i miss the real connection. Getting someone to look after my son is really difficult, some LFA kids get abused by nannies. The issue on my day off is really a big unresolved topic for my husband and I, he often gives the comment, Go, tie up your son and leave him like some sheep in the meadows. Of course I cant.

I can't wait for the day when I can finally take a break.

 

[Vitamin Sea]

I'm in a similar situation with a LFA son, living in a foreign country. I've heard the religious bs from my family too, I've never felt like punching someone in the face so badly EVER.
I wish I had some advice for you, but I'm clueless myself as to what to do. Just keep on hanging in there and hopefully things will get better. (That's what I do at least). Good luck!

Thanks @Major Tom

 

[Mary Anne]

Is there a way to connect to other parents with LFA children? I am pretty sure they are feeling just a alone as you. I would imagine there are online chat groups that you could join in and find kindred spirits. That would be my first suggestion. There are multitudes of parents feeling the exact same way as you.

You might be wanting to get away mentally from LFA though, and perhaps you are seeking connections not related to that topic? I wonder if you can get away from the house and son occasionally? Are there passions you used to have? Something like gardening, museum going, or volunteering in some sort of social way? It all depends too, on if you live in a rural or urban area, as to what is available for you.

There are mall walking groups where they get some exercise, and then sit down for a bite to eat or coffee. Book clubs at libraries. Church social functions such as those from Unitarian type churches are non-denominational, non judgemental, and usually has great social activities.

Sometimes even creating your own volunteer job gets you out of the house and allows you to meet people. I have done this several times in my life. In urban areas they have those painting and sipping wine groups where women come together. It’s a nice couple of hours out enjoying others company, in a pleasant creative atmosphere. You do not have to “be an artist,” and they teach you how to paint a nice painting! I have taught those classes, and you do not have to drink wine. It’s not in a bar.

You could volunteer at zoos, or tourist centers, or other places. I say “volunteer” rather than work for money as it sounds like your time commitments would make a paid job impossible.

 

[Streetwise]

I’m in my late thirties and I’m going through social isolation after years and years of looking after my son with LFA. I haven’t met any close friend for the past two years, only leaving the house for school and for groceries.

I had a fall out with my brother and sister recently. A week after they saw my son having a tantrum, they suggested to me that I should take him to a priest to take away some kind of spirit possessing his body. That got me mad, I told them to read about autism, they have college degrees and why couldn’t they understand. Yet, they didn’t apologise nor exert an effort to reconcile. I think this case is non-negotiable, I don’t want to see them again until they change the way they think about my son’s autism. I had been really nice even when my other siblings had a very difficult time with that sister. She is manipulative with sociopathic traits, and she can easily tag my younger brother with her plans.

Last week, I had the chance to go out of town for three days to attend my husband’s graduation. He took up master’s degree in a university in a different island, the travel time takes about 4 hours and a half. My in laws took care of my son for about three days. I had a childhood friend who has settled in that place, so I sent her a message on Facebook three weeks before the graduation if we could meet. She agreed and we were both excited to meet each other. But when I got there, she said she wasn’t available for three days, she had to go to church, had an important appointment, had to go to work early, blah, blah.. I just responded, yeah, I understand, maybe next time. It was very important to me since I haven’t really met a friend for two years.

My husband has weekly out of town trips, leaving me with my son who is non verbal. I can only hear a human voice when my husband calls me or when I watch TV.

So, there’s just me meditating in the morning and still nervous and anxious about what’s wrong with me, why I don’t have any communication anymore. There’s just me keeping up with my son’s daily routine as suggested by his therapists. There’s just me trying to smile and be optimistic while arranging his crayons and remembering to eat my lunch.

I miss those days in my twenties when my friends and I could just agree to meet up randomly and we would have a complete attendance in an hour or so.

Midlife aspies, how do you overcome loneliness?

post on this forum watch TV ,listen to the radio ,go outside and just watch insects,for me personally prayer
I know for me it comes down to mindfulness !so i use adult colouring books ,I was astounded last night that I felt better after just colouring in a flower and a bee.
I suffer from panic disorder and I'm almost housebound ,I live alone and I haven't spoken to a family member for two years .
But I also know I couldn't take the pressure of trying to socialise.
The only time I see any discussion about what is termed low functioning autism is on the autism Society UK forum or Quora digest!
but I'm almost phobic about children so I don't read it very often

 

[loneaspie]

Well, I’m in my 20s, so I can’t comment on midlife stuff, but I know what it’s like to be both liked and disliked. And for people to wonder what’s wrong, or to be worried if I’m going to ‘go crazy’, be uncomfortable, or why I just can’t be like anyone else — and that’s with AS. Luckily, no one has yet thought I need deliverance that I know of. But it can be sad to be in a world of callous NTs sometimes, and especially when some don’t understand our ‘world’. I really hope that you can find people that really care and that support you (and your son) with kindness.

 

[Progster]

Come to the forum, keep busy, have projects to work on which give me a goal.

 

[ECM2018]

I've used meetup a few times and have found some interesting groups on there. They usually only meet once a week or once a month, so it wouldn't be a big time commitment. Again, this depends on where you live and what's available. There's also the option of starting a meetup geared toward others in your situation. You never know, there may be someone nearby who is feeling the same.
Other than that, getting on here and talking to people can help. I like the coloring idea above =) Finding something that is creative-based has always been essential to me. Then sharing your creativity with the world and finding like minds who appreciate it is fulfilling.

 

[Loren]

I joined a 'Meetup' hiking group when I found myself becoming, too, isolated. Specifically, a PM hiking group, as I work most days. On weekends we go outside of the realm of hiking, and do extra curricular activities, such as taking the train, downtown to museum, historic landmarks and neighborhoods, food from various, other cultures, and other such excursions. There is something for everyone, on Meetup. If you dont care for groups, which I did have to become accustomed to, you may meet folks in the group that you connect with/ get together with, one-on-one, etcetera.

 

[Vitamin Sea]

post on this forum watch TV ,listen to the radio ,go outside and just watch insects,for me personally prayer
I know for me it comes down to mindfulness !so i use adult colouring books ,I was astounded last night that I felt better after just colouring in a flower and a bee.
I suffer from panic disorder and I'm almost housebound ,I live alone and I haven't spoken to a family member for two years .
But I also know I couldn't take the pressure of trying to socialise.
The only time I see any discussion about what is termed low functioning autism is on the autism Society UK forum or Quora digest!
but I'm almost phobic about children so I don't read it very often

Mindfulness is so tricky. Thanks @Streetwise

 

[Vitamin Sea]

Is there a way to connect to other parents with LFA children? I am pretty sure they are feeling just a alone as you. I would imagine there are online chat groups that you could join in and find kindred spirits. That would be my first suggestion. There are multitudes of parents feeling the exact same way as you.

You might be wanting to get away mentally from LFA though, and perhaps you are seeking connections not related to that topic? I wonder if you can get away from the house and son occasionally? Are there passions you used to have? Something like gardening, museum going, or volunteering in some sort of social way? It all depends too, on if you live in a rural or urban area, as to what is available for you.

There are mall walking groups where they get some exercise, and then sit down for a bite to eat or coffee. Book clubs at libraries. Church social functions such as those from Unitarian type churches are non-denominational, non judgemental, and usually has great social activities.

Sometimes even creating your own volunteer job gets you out of the house and allows you to meet people. I have done this several times in my life. In urban areas they have those painting and sipping wine groups where women come together. It’s a nice couple of hours out enjoying others company, in a pleasant creative atmosphere. You do not have to “be an artist,” and they teach you how to paint a nice painting! I have taught those classes, and you do not have to drink wine. It’s not in a bar.

You could volunteer at zoos, or tourist centers, or other places. I say “volunteer” rather than work for money as it sounds like your time commitments would make a paid job impossible.

Thanks @Mary Anne I will try.

 

[Vitamin Sea]

I've used meetup a few times and have found some interesting groups on there. They usually only meet once a week or once a month, so it wouldn't be a big time commitment. Again, this depends on where you live and what's available. There's also the option of starting a meetup geared toward others in your situation. You never know, there may be someone nearby who is feeling the same.
Other than that, getting on here and talking to people can help. I like the coloring idea above =) Finding something that is creative-based has always been essential to me. Then sharing your creativity with the world and finding like minds who appreciate it is fulfilling.

Thanks @ECM2018

 

[Vitamin Sea]

I joined a 'Meetup' hiking group when I found myself becoming, too, isolated. Specifically, a PM hiking group, as I work most days. On weekends we go outside of the realm of hiking, and do extra curricular activities, such as taking the train, downtown to museum, historic landmarks and neighborhoods, food from various, other cultures, and other such excursions. There is something for everyone, on Meetup. If you dont care for groups, which I did have to become accustomed to, you may meet folks in the group that you connect with/ get together with, one-on-one, etcetera.

Thanks @Loren
I’m not sure if meetup is available in my place but there are plenty of groups here.

 

[Vitamin Sea]

Well, I’m in my 20s, so I can’t comment on midlife stuff, but I know what it’s like to be both liked and disliked. And for people to wonder what’s wrong, or to be worried if I’m going to ‘go crazy’, be uncomfortable, or why I just can’t be like anyone else — and that’s with AS. Luckily, no one has yet thought I need deliverance that I know of. But it can be sad to be in a world of callous NTs sometimes, and especially when some don’t understand our ‘world’. I really hope that you can find people that really care and that support you (and your son) with kindness.

Thanks @loneaspie