How to flirt without crossing the line

[Maelstrom]

So being new messed up this thread to: It's nice make your girl happy and it's nice to be able to tell that she looves you a little bit, I have been burned on the I love you word thing. So the QUESTION is what is the best way to generate tells,(a poker term) so know you know your girl is really into you and not just looking for a free dinner, or a warm body to stand next to her as she tries out that bridal dress she already had hanging in the closet.
So as a h/f auspie I stink at face and mind reading I kept getting nuked on the read my mind expression, (honey), say something beautiful to me from a romance novel, and (SAY IT NOW), or I,m kicking you to the curb. Sooo random poetic expressions of love work sometimes but if mood and timing are off ...I end up looking like a creepy stalker,(Yaaay). That kind of leaves the flirting bag a little empty, I like the sincere thing but opening with how many kids do you want and where should we live on the first few dates doesn't play well. Soo about all that is left is physical flirting, (any other ideas?), which is a difficult thing to balance, if you don't want to end up being a user or getting hurt by over committing your heart too early. I am not really good at this stuff but I really tried to be the aggressive/romantic for my ex it's what she wanted. But walking that line between being a player but still putting a little wind in her hair, and a little fire, so she comes back for more and me knowing she loves me is difficult. As auspie I tried to lean forward a little to see if the chemistry was there with my girlfriend. Starting with the soft caress of the hair, a little hug, hand holding, a caress of her soft cheek with the back of a curled finger, kiss on the cheek? a soft kiss? a little kiss on the neck? Personally I didn't care for the goldfish sucking my face off kissing, thought that taking the time to turn up the heat slowly on the kissing was more romantic. Personally I would like to see a little fire in my girlfriends eyes, (not talking about sex), before I start slapping down hundred dollar bills for a ring. I'm looking for happily ever after, not to split rent. So is there a way to flirt with your girl so you can tell she loooves you, before the house ring talk?

 

[AsheSkyler]

How about a set time limit? My rule was that we had to be together for at least a year before we married so we'd have a bit of time to decide if we were compatible and attracted to each other on all the important stuff. Granted, my husband and I already talked about getting hitched after two weeks of dating, but we hung in there for my one year rule and we also waited until our six-month mark before officially starting on wedding plans and supplies.

Outside of that, I was always pretty reserved and strict. I played for keeps, not fun, so I expected if somebody was going to make-out heavy then they'd better make it clear then what their future intentions were. Needless to say, I didn't make-out much.

 

[Maelstrom]

How about a set time limit? My rule was that we had to be together for at least a year before we married so we'd have a bit of time to decide if we were compatible and attracted to each other on all the important stuff. Granted, my husband and I already talked about getting hitched after two weeks of dating, but we hung in there for my one year rule and we also waited until our six-month mark before officially starting on wedding plans and supplies.

Outside of that, I was always pretty reserved and strict. I played for keeps, not fun, so I expected if somebody was going to make-out heavy then they'd better make it clear then what their future intentions were. Needless to say, I didn't make-out much.

We both had agreed to the year thing. And they both girlfriend, step mother pushed me on kissing. Had planned to take things slow until bad family issue was resolved (no baby making). I don't know it seemed like physical afection was the only way I could please her some times, and that was her parting shot that I wasn't agressive enough... had told her on day one not to even bother dating me if that was going to be a issue. I never did anything bad with her and was always careful to ask and respect her boundries. But it hurts a little to get hit with the (aggresive thing) when I tried so hard to lean forward out of my comfort zone...kind of kicking a guy while he's down.

 

[Maelstrom]

How about a set time limit? My rule was that we had to be together for at least a year before we married so we'd have a bit of time to decide if we were compatible and attracted to each other on all the important stuff. Granted, my husband and I already talked about getting hitched after two weeks of dating, but we hung in there for my one year rule and we also waited until our six-month mark before officially starting on wedding plans and supplies.

Outside of that, I was always pretty reserved and strict. I played for keeps, not fun, so I expected if somebody was going to make-out heavy then they'd better make it clear then what their future intentions were. Needless to say, I didn't make-out much.

I am not sure I set the best tone in my post I never said anything about (sex stuff). What I was wondering was how to keep girlfriend from getting bored and walking away, but all so balenceing that against protecting ones heart,(self) until life plans and compatibility issues have been resolved positively, so you can move into the commitment phase with girlfriend....and hopefully live happily ever after...(sigh) this stuff is so hard

 

[AsheSkyler]

That was a pretty bad situation. Hopefully your next girlfriend would be a bit more reserved.

I always gravitated to the chatty guys so we could set boundaries verbally before accidental slips and awkward grabs. Most of that was usually set within the first few meetings. Although I never could break my husband of poking me in the ribs when we were dating. Poking, picking, and playing like that is usually safe attention to give somebody and make them feel tended to.

 

[Maelstrom]

[QUOTE="AsheSkyler, I guess the real problem was lack of trust she would never be honest with me on the family situation or tell me what she wanted or needed always danced away. The few times I ever got her to talk about what kind of future she would like with me she would always say (I) I would like to do this or that I I I I never (we) could get a house... She would tell me she loved me promise the me the sky. But how do you take that at face value and I can't read faces well enough to see if it is heart felt. So I began to wonder she was just dating me to please her mother. I suggested counseling but things went sideways and everyone disappeared never found out why.
Suspect it was the baby thing, the step mother walked into the room onetime and asked me " are you going to steal my baby", not good she was referring to my girlfriends baby. (baby was not mine)
(UP DATE) Invited Friend and his Russian wife,(she's a real sweet heart), over for nice Indian dinner. They are from my ex-girlfriends church which I can't go to any more. So I give in to temptation and say so I suppose they are chopping me up pretty good over there. he said no haven't heard a word but I don't move in their circles much. So I'm thinking that's a unexpectedly pleasant surprise. Then I remember chopping up people is about all I heard at ex-es house. So now I'm thinking stepmother loooves to shred people aaand she's being nice? Oooh no the obsession with my family and me is still on, here comes round two. What am I going to do when my ex shows up on the front porch with those big love me please eyes....this is going to be so hard...(sigh)
Asheskyler How did your husband win you? poems? flowers? music? sweet talk?

 

[tree]

Funny & they make valid points about behavior: flirting & perceived flirting.

 

[Maelstrom]

Funny & they make valid points about behavior: flirting & perceived flirting.

You always find neat links tree , a very funny clip...if you play it enough the human race may die out... sorry just being funny. Sigh! this dating stuff is so hard, it's like trying to catch a butterfly with your fingers without crushing it. Too much, too little, too much, too little...it's like Goldie locks and the 3 bears...where is my little she's just right???

With my luck I'll find her, she'll be the last one on earth, and I'll spook her somehow...

 

[Angel123]

I think it depends on how receptive the girl is and how willing they are to "go with the flow" for most of the time. My partner has no clue how to flirt and the one time he tried I was so confused because he'd actually been flirting 'correctly' for months beforehand and didn't realise, so we had a chat about it. Being physically affectionate, like starting off with light touches on the upper arm, back, hands, and moving on to face, hair caresses, hugs etc are always good. The only thing that can get annoying is when the invisible boundary that us NTs know is there but aspies don't tend to see as well is crossed, (NTs see these boundaries so clearly that it literally doesn't occur to us that other people can't) so it can be useful to have a chat about what boundaries the other person has, because everyone has slightly different boundaries particularly for public vs private situations. Even just having those kinds of talks fairly often to check that nothing has changed is helpful too because it stops a whole heap of frustration and misunderstandings happening. I also love being asked questions to clarify stuff, although constantly asking your partner what they want to do 90% of the time can get annoying because girls tend to feel quite pressured when that happens too much.

 

[Maelstrom]

I think it depends on how receptive the girl is and how willing they are to "go with the flow" for most of the time. My partner has no clue how to flirt and the one time he tried I was so confused because he'd actually been flirting 'correctly' for months beforehand and didn't realise, so we had a chat about it. Being physically affectionate, like starting off with light touches on the upper arm, back, hands, and moving on to face, hair caresses, hugs etc are always good. The only thing that can get annoying is when the invisible boundary that us NTs know is there but aspies don't tend to see as well is crossed, (NTs see these boundaries so clearly that it literally doesn't occur to us that other people can't) so it can be useful to have a chat about what boundaries the other person has, because everyone has slightly different boundaries particularly for public vs private situations. Even just having those kinds of talks fairly often to check that nothing has changed is helpful too because it stops a whole heap of frustration and misunderstandings happening. I also love being asked questions to clarify stuff, although constantly asking your partner what they want to do 90% of the time can get annoying because girls tend to feel quite pressured when that happens too much.

Thank you Angel123 , this thread was sort of back from my hard break up awhile ago, and seems to have revived. Your advice is helpful and sort of what I was looking for. I find that with all the new stuff in dating as a auspie, I tend to overload, and overloading tends to start shutting down my ability to read emotion and express it. So even if I love my girlfriend very much, so she may feel my facial expressions and body language to things she is doing to elicit romantic responses look flat and cold at times, when in reality I really do love her, I'm just missing stuff due to overload...etcetera.

#You should note this happens more with new relationships and gets less over time.

It is a real problem because when things get to a certain level the girl is expecting certain natural glowing romantic responses, and they don't always naturally come when the autistic overload NO reading thing is in play. I have tried to learn how to do these things from youtube and stuff, and one can argue whether that is fake or not till the cows come home, but I still do think a person should make any reasonable effort possible to make whoever they love happy.

Obviously there are natural limits on how far a person can step outside their natural personality, but I still believe in going the extra mile to make others happy, if it is a thing you can do without too great a cost to ones person.
It is still a good idea however for a NT to be willing to adjust their expectations and communication style some, it isn't fair after all to choose a person who clearly isn't a certain thing and then demand that thing from them. But us autistic sorts tend to be thoughtful and deep thinkers, and if a desire or need is explained in enough detail, we can often come up with a way to do it......so long as you don't demand it be instinctual....we don't do miracles... all tho on a few occasions I have done things others saw as impossible.

Best wishes to you Mael

 

[Vinca]

How literally should I take the advice in this video? (I am asking with an 'I need advice' tone)

I wouldn't puch a guy after paying him a compliment, as a way to prevent him from thinking I'm flirting, as I don't do violence except for self-protection, and I don't touch people as a form of expression when I am talking to them, so I wouldn't do that anyway, but I took the rest of the video very literally.

Now, I find myself wondering if the video is done more as a work of comedy, than a instructional video for social interaction, but I can't tell which it is.

 

[tree]

Vinca
True, the 'punch the guy in the face' was an exaggeration to make a point.
The videos these people make range from instructional to satiric.
This is an instructional video about social interaction.
They use humor to make points clear.

For instance, if I were to Like 3 posts made on this forum by one of the males,
it would NOT mean that I was in love with him. With luck, no male would think that.
But---------it is possible that one might incorrectly form that idea.

The group doing the videos started out thinking they'd have a very small
audience of conservative Christian home schoolers and were surprised
that their videos became so popular. Much of the humor in their videos
is based on the situation of living somewhat apart from 'the world'---so
it does rely on contrast.

 

[Vinca]

Vinca
True, the 'punch the guy in the face' was an exaggeration to make a point.
The videos these people make range from instructional to satiric.
This is an instructional video about social interaction.
They use humor to make points clear.

For instance, if I were to Like 3 posts made on this forum by one of the males,
it would NOT mean that I was in love with him. With luck, no male would think that.
But---------it is possible that one might incorrectly form that idea.

The group doing the videos started out thinking they'd have a very small
audience of conservative Christian home schoolers and were surprised
that their videos became so popular. Much of the humor in their videos
is based on the situation of living somewhat apart from 'the world'---so
it does rely on contrast.

Thank you for explaining that tree , it is very helpful.