How to deal with losing a special interest that others don`t want you to let go?

[kenaij]

@monkeyclogs just remembered I did not @ you to the post, so don`t know if you got the notification or not.

 

[monkeyclogs]

@monkeyclogs just remembered I did not @ you to the post, so don`t know if you got the notification or not.

I got this one I'll go find the other

 

[monkeyclogs]

Welcome back,



It does indeed manage my ability to do things. But not completely to the point that I cannot let it go when I know something important really needs to be done. So for example. At work. I`m a janitor at a highschool, and also do the reproductive work. So copying and printing of various tests and books etc. If I start the copying I could walk away and do other stuff because I can close the room with the printer in it. But my PC is also in the same room. I will often just sit there ‘in case the printer has an error.” To use that time to look things up. I will drop anything that is not really really important or obviously noticeable to other people if a thought comes into my head about the subject. And I Need to look it up. If I`m doing something I cannot walk away from my attention will at most be halved, and the other half will be on the subject.



The length of the energy bursts varies. But they are often quite short. But I do have elevated energy when engaging with the subject. I would say the crashing of energy is when the subject is done is far higher than the increase I get from it.

I can go with quite little sleep for a decently long time. If I were to get 6 hours tops a night I can go on for weeks. But it does often happen that I wake up in the middle of the night. My brain starts, often on the subject of that period and I can forget about going back to sleep. I`ll try, but give up after 30 minutes and engage in the interest.

I more often than not leads to a spiral. Because if I have answered question A you can be sure question B has already popped up. And I will only get out if I know there are some very important things that need to be done.

For example. The washing machine was finished while I was vacuuming the house. I already pulled the wash out so I can hang it. I finished vacuuming and planned to go hang the wash. But something popped into my head to adjust in my spreadsheet. When that was done I had an internet tab open for information which led to me getting to this forum because I saw you had a reply. The washing machine was done about an hour ago. So I guess I`m going to hang it now



Hope it helps.

it definitely does help thank you! It's really interesting to compare to my own experiences.

and also sorry if your washing didn't get dry on my account

 

[kenaij]

@monkeyclogs everything worked out just fine. As usual before a task I feel I have way too little time. But in the end I am done with an hour to spare.

Funny thing is, I was thinking about this post and the way I involved other people into thinking they were part of the reason I could not let things go. However. Eventhou it is because of other people. It is because I, myself, feel the need to do certain things for other people. For example. I still want to let the huge focus on trying new whisky's, having all kinds of whisky's, having a very nice cabinet etc go. But because I also feel the need to please other people it becomes a lot harder to do so. When I think about scaling things down, or changing things I think about needing a Chivas 12, because my wife absolutely loves that whisky. And eventhou I like it very much aswell, for me personally there is no real need to have a bottle of it. The biggest reason I want it is because I know I can drink it and my wife enjoying the scent. Also, there is my father in law. We have shared this interest for a while now. And for that reason I feel the need to have a whisky, or a cabinet that he also enjoys. While I know he probably could not care less what bottles I have, because he can also drink a beer. Or just try something I have on the shelf. I still sort of feel the need to proof something to him.

All of this is in no way their fault ofcourse. It is my brain that feels the need to please the people I like and love. Without them feeling the need to be pleased by this particular thing.

Every time I think I have found 'the best' way to do it, and I even feel completely satisfied with it. I know that within a day my mind will think of counter arguments that will tell me there is another 'best' way to do it.
I feel like I whished I never got into whisky the way I did. Before I just had one bottle, drank it, bought a new bottle. Whisky was just for drinking. But now it has become part of my stupid (autistic?) focus bubble where I cannot let it go. And I cannot just accept it does not need to be perfect. That it is just for drinking.
Sadly, every time I think about just doing that again my brain goes into overdrive and does not let me accept that choice. Because "it is not the way I should be doing it".

Man, I hate my brain sometimes X-D

 

[monkeyclogs]

sounds familiar. Your cycle seems in some ways very similar to my own.

Your experience has really helped me to work out the relevant information to give the drs trying to reformulate my diagnosis. My experience whilst very similar to yours is a lot more extreme. They've set aside the ADHD symptoms as a misunderstanding based on my bipolar. We have a 'final' diagnosis. I am autistic with bipolar.

(i'm absolutely not suggesting you might be too. Our differences are what's helped reach the diagnosis rather than our similarities)

I am saying I get it.

@monkeyclogs everything worked out just fine. As usual before a task I feel I have way too little time. But in the end I am done with an hour to spare.

Funny thing is, I was thinking about this post and the way I involved other people into thinking they were part of the reason I could not let things go. However. Eventhou it is because of other people. It is because I, myself, feel the need to do certain things for other people. For example. I still want to let the huge focus on trying new whisky's, having all kinds of whisky's, having a very nice cabinet etc go. But because I also feel the need to please other people it becomes a lot harder to do so. When I think about scaling things down, or changing things I think about needing a Chivas 12, because my wife absolutely loves that whisky. And eventhou I like it very much aswell, for me personally there is no real need to have a bottle of it. The biggest reason I want it is because I know I can drink it and my wife enjoying the scent. Also, there is my father in law. We have shared this interest for a while now. And for that reason I feel the need to have a whisky, or a cabinet that he also enjoys. While I know he probably could not care less what bottles I have, because he can also drink a beer. Or just try something I have on the shelf. I still sort of feel the need to proof something to him.

All of this is in no way their fault ofcourse. It is my brain that feels the need to please the people I like and love. Without them feeling the need to be pleased by this particular thing.

Every time I think I have found 'the best' way to do it, and I even feel completely satisfied with it. I know that within a day my mind will think of counter arguments that will tell me there is another 'best' way to do it.
I feel like I whished I never got into whisky the way I did. Before I just had one bottle, drank it, bought a new bottle. Whisky was just for drinking. But now it has become part of my stupid (autistic?) focus bubble where I cannot let it go. And I cannot just accept it does not need to be perfect. That it is just for drinking.
Sadly, every time I think about just doing that again my brain goes into overdrive and does not let me accept that choice. Because "it is not the way I should be doing it".

Man, I hate my brain sometimes X-D

maybe they are equally pleased by the variety of interests you provide? maybe it's having you in their lives that pleases them and your enthusiasm? maybe they will be equally pleased by engaging in your next interest?

 

[kenaij]

sounds familiar. Your cycle seems in some ways very similar to my own.

Your experience has really helped me to work out the relevant information to give the drs trying to reformulate my diagnosis. My experience whilst very similar to yours is a lot more extreme. They've set aside the ADHD symptoms as a misunderstanding based on my bipolar. We have a 'final' diagnosis. I am autistic with bipolar.

(i'm absolutely not suggesting you might be too. Our differences are what's helped reach the diagnosis rather than our similarities)

I am saying I get it.

maybe they are equally pleased by the variety of interests you provide? maybe it's having you in their lives that pleases them and your enthusiasm? maybe they will be equally pleased by engaging in your next interest?

Glad my experience has helped you out. I do not know enough about bipolar to make any claim towards thinking of having it or dismissing it. I do know enough about ADHD that I see a lot of similarities in my own behaviour if I try to ignore all the autistic behaviours to say I see a lot of connection. But mostly I see the high functioning autistic traits.

Thanks for those kind words in the end. Eventhou, logically I know that it is more me that cares about them being happy with my choices than it is them being dissapointed or happy with them. It is an internal conflict instead of an external. Overthinking and overanalyzing is something I do a lot. For example. I bought a bottle about 2 weeks back and I told my wife I was doubting between two bottles but chose the one I got because I wanted to get it for a while and it was on sale. So I will get the other next time. She replied: "Yeah, and you still have enough bottles." Internally I feel that as judgement like she thinks I have gone overboard and that I have too many bottles (I have 6). But logically I know she probably meant it did not really matter which one I got because I still had enough bottles to drink from. There was not need for me to get anything particular because I still had plenty of choice.
I know she does not judge me for my collection. In fact she told me she likes the fact I have something I don`t care spending money on (thou this has changed ofcourse). I likes me having an interest I don`t have to pull her into. Because if we both are doing the same thing, my enthousiasm about it often drives her away from it because I talk about it too much. Lego is the exception to this.
We`ll see where it internal struggle takes me. For now. I have chosen to empty the bottles I have. Will take about 4-5 months or so. And we`ll see if I have made up my mind by then.

 

[monkeyclogs]

Glad my experience has helped you out. I do not know enough about bipolar to make any claim towards thinking of having it or dismissing it. I do know enough about ADHD that I see a lot of similarities in my own behaviour if I try to ignore all the autistic behaviours to say I see a lot of connection. But mostly I see the high functioning autistic traits.

Thanks for those kind words in the end. Eventhou, logically I know that it is more me that cares about them being happy with my choices than it is them being dissapointed or happy with them. It is an internal conflict instead of an external. Overthinking and overanalyzing is something I do a lot. For example. I bought a bottle about 2 weeks back and I told my wife I was doubting between two bottles but chose the one I got because I wanted to get it for a while and it was on sale. So I will get the other next time. She replied: "Yeah, and you still have enough bottles." Internally I feel that as judgement like she thinks I have gone overboard and that I have too many bottles (I have 6). But logically I know she probably meant it did not really matter which one I got because I still had enough bottles to drink from. There was not need for me to get anything particular because I still had plenty of choice.
I know she does not judge me for my collection. In fact she told me she likes the fact I have something I don`t care spending money on (thou this has changed ofcourse). I likes me having an interest I don`t have to pull her into. Because if we both are doing the same thing, my enthousiasm about it often drives her away from it because I talk about it too much. Lego is the exception to this.
We`ll see where it internal struggle takes me. For now. I have chosen to empty the bottles I have. Will take about 4-5 months or so. And we`ll see if I have made up my mind by then.

I went through a LEGO phase. worked for legoland, started a business based on it (it quickly grew beyond lego). then walked away. I still have 250 litres of the stuff, neatly sorted by size and shape in my loft

 

[JayCee]

Wow, impressive collection of Lego ..

 

[kenaij]

I went through a LEGO phase. worked for legoland, started a business based on it (it quickly grew beyond lego). then walked away. I still have 250 litres of the stuff, neatly sorted by size and shape in my loft

We might reach about the same amount. In the attic we have about 5 boxes filled to the top with old lego's. The boxes are about 40x80x30 cm each, or roughly 96 liters. In the livingroom we have about the same amount I think. And my son also has a room full of lego. So we might be just under. But are really close to the 250 liters. However ours is not neatly sorted. It is either build or randomised. About half in the attic is only sorted by color.

 

[kenaij]

But back to the topic. So I messaged my wife today. Things were rushing through my head again and I know if I waited until I was home I would not ask. So I messaged her with wether or not she thought I had gone overboard with it. And a couple of other questions. Her reply was roughly: "I really don`t care what you put in the cabinet. Or how much (or little) you put in it. For all I care you put it so full you cannot fit another bottle."

So long story and posts short. She does not care as long as I`m happy with it XD.

And I think I have found a way in which I can still enjoy it. Without having to constantly think about it. Something I can do as soon as I empty the current bottles in the next couple of months. Slowly build it up from there. And just maintain it with the same selection.

 

[Hypnalis]

@kenaij

Have you tested it see if your wife wants less expansion of the Lego interest, and more of anything else to fill any newly spare time?

When I originally read this thread that was my second scenario to explain what you said.
The first was you drinking way too much (OFC but IIRC you indicated that isn't the case in a later post.

If I was to put numbers on it (now excluding you "levelling up" as an alcoholic /lol) I'd say "wife looking for an alternative to more Lego" is still well under 50% likely, so it's not a great theory.

But easy to test.

 

[kenaij]

@Hypnalis Indeed it is not the alcoholic part. I will not claim to drink very little. I average 3 glasses of whisky a week, I only go over it for a birthday or the holidays which only happens about 8 times a year. So my consumption is not low. But my wife does in no way have a problem with me having those 3 glasses. She told me multiple times.

I might have worded it a incorrectly. Or not clearly. We both still want to collect lego. But we both agree not to spend over a certain amount of money on it. So in that sense we both want to cut down on it a little. Our problem is more the amount of space we still have left for it.
From her replies on my other questions today I gather her telling me the cabinet is for whisky is because I might have made it appear like I was willing to sacrifice my whisky cabinet to make space for the lego. And she wanted to make it clear that was not needed.
The reason I believe this to be true is because I am known to sacrifice my needs to please others. And she knows it aswell.

I just had not explained to her correctly that I wanted to chance something about the way I interact in my collecting of whisky. Because it made me more sad than happy. So her comment about the cabinet being for whisky was not a way to keep forcing it to be. But a way to make it clear I did not have to give it up because she wanted new stuff.

God, I love her even more when she thinks of me like this