How to deal with losing a special interest that others don`t want you to let go?

[kenaij]

Going to drop this little story/question here because I think people who are quite similar to me might have experiences this in the past and might give me some insight.



So, special interests or intense interests you are no longer that interested in are very common for me. There are things that I like for years and years, and have never tired of. But I also have short bursts of special interest or things I delve into so deeply and that disappear overnight.

The second usually has more to do with someone needing a new phone, computer or something like that. I go deep into comparing all the options mode and I don`t quit until the day the things I`m looking into is bought. Usually even a last check before hitting the purchase button. The reason I completely quit the interest is because there is no more reason for me to get into it so deeply, because the information is no longer needed. And I move on to the next new thing.

But this time is a little different. I have been drinking whisky for quite a couple of years now, but it was not until last summer that I really started to get deeper into it. It was because my wife remarked that even thou I drank and liked it. I never really got into finding out more about it. And buying anything more expensive that one level above bottom shelve. Since that moment it developed into an intense interest. Watching youtube videos, wanting to, and buying more expensive bottles. I never started to drink any more in quantity, and stayed at the 3 glasses a week.
Last week my father and law and I went to one of the biggest whisky festivals in Europe, and I had really high hopes for it. Let’s just say, it was a disappointment. And the day after I kind of felt nothing anymore for whisky. Why look into more expensive whisky is all that you can think of is that you like it, but for the money you like a cheaper option just as much. Why look up any information you are never going to use?
To me, right now. I could drop it down to only a couple of bottles of varying taste and it would be alright for me.

The thing is that my wife really liked me getting into whisky and having something I wanted to spend money on for myself. She does not drink it herself but she really likes the smell of it. And prefers me drinking whisky over other stuff. She still feels strongly to me keeping my personal whisky collection, while for me a shelve would be enough.

We also collect lego and I wanted the room I used for my whisky to become another spot for the lego. But she said no, because that was for the whisky.

I feel like I want to go back to the pre interest time when I just had a couple of bottles and I just drank it. No special interest needed. But feel like it will be pretty hard to do when my wife would still like me to be very into it.



Have any of you ever lost your special/intense interest but had people around that were still really into it, or you feel like they wanted you to still be very into it? How did you deal with it?

 

[Outdated]

For me it's been a long slow process, the fascination with computers has finally died though.

My interest first started back in 95 with a second hand 386 computer and learning how to beef it up a bit so that I could play games on it. At this time the internet was just going through it's first revolution - embedded media in web pages, but this only worked for people that upgraded their computers to have processors with the new MMX technology built in.

I upgraded mine and back then I used to spend a lot of time in the local pub and had a lot of friends who also wanted their computers upgraded. I had a great deal of fun doing that and I learnt a lot along the way. It was my number one hobby for the next 20 years, buying and assembling parts and installing different operating systems.

It was a handy set of skills to have and made me welcome in many places, especially when I was living in the bush. I never really charged anyone for anything, to do that would have taken the fun out of it. I actually found that out the hard way, ran my own business for about 18 months and hated it. So my official rate for everyone was 2 beers an hour, I told people that I couldn't possibly charge more than that because computers and alcohol don't really mix.

For me it was a way to still have a social life after I burnt out too, I ended up living half wild in a remote region that only had 250 full time residents sprawled out over a large region and 2 hours drive away from the nearest city. Having a computer geek in their midst made their lives a lot easier but I sort of ended up on call 24/7 and it burnt me out again in the end. In some things I'm a slow learner.

My two current computers are custom builds for what I wanted but I just got the bloke in the shop to put it together for me. He was pretty good though, he looked me up and down and asked "So which Linux would you like installed on it?". He had to install something so he could test it all before letting me have it.

As for the whisky, I was a huge drinker when I was younger and scotch was my favourite, but I found myself liking the lighter coloured ones. Glenfiddich was a good one within budget but the general go to was it's cheap little brother Grants.

Then for my 40th birthday I bought myself a still and that was a fascinating interest for a while. What I bought was a Reflux Still, this is very different to the pot stills that everyone thinks of, they're more closely related to the processes used in a petrochemical plant. This is how a chemist makes alcohol. It's quite a common hobby in some parts of Australia. The alcohol that comes out is almost pure and needs to be watered back down to 40% then flavoured with whatever you like, or leave it plain and call it vodka.

Eventually though I lost interest in alcohol, I never really gave it up and I still enjoy a beer once in a blue moon but I rarely drink any more. I think a big influence is just getting older and I really hate waking up in the middle of the night to go for a wee.

 

[kenaij]

Thank you for sharing your story. It was a really fun read. It is very cool you created your own whisky! For me it is not so much that I am done with alcohol. I still think I will enjoy my glass on wednesday evening (after a 12 hour shift) and 2 glasses on either friday or saterday. For me it is more like the lack of interest to collect any more whisky or do try new things. I just want to have a couple I know the taste of and know what to expect. That does not need a complete cabinet. But I think my wife will be quite dissapointed by that.
It might be best compared to, instead of wanting to build your own computer and tinkering with it you just want to have a pre-build that you know will do the job you want it to do. Just plug and play. No need to have any tools of part. It is just a computer and use it for computer stuff. But having someone around that really enjoys seeing you tinker with computers because it always used to bring you joy.

 

[Outdated]

It might be best compared to, instead of wanting to build your own computer and tinkering with it you just want to have a pre-build that you know will do the job you want it to do. Just plug and play. No need to have any tools of part. It is just a computer and use it for computer stuff.

That's exactly how it went for me. I still tinker a little if I decide I need a new graphics card or whatever, but it's just not fun like it used to be. Instead I now prefer just like you said, plug and play.

When I found out about autism and things started to click in to place for me I moved out of the bush and back to civilisation to get myself sorted out but it took a couple of years for the phone calls to start petering out. As I was moving to a new city and starting again I decided that this time around I just don't want that intense a social life, it always ends up getting out of hand. So with no close friends it's only my own computer that I get to play with now.

 

[monkeyclogs]

Have any of you ever lost your special/intense interest but had people around that were still really into it, or you feel like they wanted you to still be very into it? How did you deal with it?

yes! but i'm afraid I have no healthy tips as I usually run away and seriously downplay the past interest where I next turn up

 

[Hypnalis]

The thing is that my wife really liked me getting into whisky and having something I wanted to spend money on for myself. <...>

She still feels strongly to me keeping my personal whisky collection ...

We also collect lego and I wanted the room I used for my whisky to become another spot for the lego. But she said no, because that was for the whisky.

For me it is more like the lack of interest to collect any more whisky or do try new things. I just want to have a couple I know the taste of and know what to expect. That does not need a complete cabinet. But I think my wife will be quite disappointed by that.

Your wife seems to be supportive of your special interests, which is great.

But there's a possible interpretation here that you may not have considered. I won't expand it (unless you ask).
But a question/suggestion: is there something other than more Lego you could take up at home instead of the whiskey?

Not necessarily immediately OFC - AFAIK a special interest can't be forced (mine certainly can't), but perhaps you have a backlog of possibilities?

 

[Mary Terry]

Going to drop this little story/question here because I think people who are quite similar to me might have experiences this in the past and might give me some insight.



So, special interests or intense interests you are no longer that interested in are very common for me. There are things that I like for years and years, and have never tired of. But I also have short bursts of special interest or things I delve into so deeply and that disappear overnight.

The second usually has more to do with someone needing a new phone, computer or something like that. I go deep into comparing all the options mode and I don`t quit until the day the things I`m looking into is bought. Usually even a last check before hitting the purchase button. The reason I completely quit the interest is because there is no more reason for me to get into it so deeply, because the information is no longer needed. And I move on to the next new thing.

But this time is a little different. I have been drinking whisky for quite a couple of years now, but it was not until last summer that I really started to get deeper into it. It was because my wife remarked that even thou I drank and liked it. I never really got into finding out more about it. And buying anything more expensive that one level above bottom shelve. Since that moment it developed into an intense interest. Watching youtube videos, wanting to, and buying more expensive bottles. I never started to drink any more in quantity, and stayed at the 3 glasses a week.
Last week my father and law and I went to one of the biggest whisky festivals in Europe, and I had really high hopes for it. Let’s just say, it was a disappointment. And the day after I kind of felt nothing anymore for whisky. Why look into more expensive whisky is all that you can think of is that you like it, but for the money you like a cheaper option just as much. Why look up any information you are never going to use?
To me, right now. I could drop it down to only a couple of bottles of varying taste and it would be alright for me.

The thing is that my wife really liked me getting into whisky and having something I wanted to spend money on for myself. She does not drink it herself but she really likes the smell of it. And prefers me drinking whisky over other stuff. She still feels strongly to me keeping my personal whisky collection, while for me a shelve would be enough.

We also collect lego and I wanted the room I used for my whisky to become another spot for the lego. But she said no, because that was for the whisky.

I feel like I want to go back to the pre interest time when I just had a couple of bottles and I just drank it. No special interest needed. But feel like it will be pretty hard to do when my wife would still like me to be very into it.

Why don't you just tell your wife that you've lost interest in whisky?

 

[Dagan]

I'm among those lucky enough that my "hobbies" (aka, coping mechanisms) became jobs. They can be profited from. That seems to have been the only way to shut folks up, haha. Trust me, I had to hear so many times from family and some friends that I was wasting my time (around my early 20's). Once I started making money doing the same things, all of the talking stopped.

All that to preface that I have a friend whose hobby was certain liquor tours / going to distilleries, etc. A bit of classes and such later, though, and she's a respected, licensed Bourbon Steward and is making a career from it.

 

[Jumpinbare]

TLDR: No.

No one in my immediate family/friends collection has ever been interested in my interests. My parents supported my science and electronics interest, but even socially oblivious little me knew they weren't interested directly.

The other aspect is that once an interest snags me, it never goes away. Intensity will wax and wane over time, but nothing escapes my "interest vault".

 

[kenaij]

Thank you all!

@Mary Terry , I have. But maybe I should do so again, but more clearly. Since I told her the day (or 2) after the big whisky event she might think it will come back and that it was more of a 'burn-out' from being so hyped about it beforehand.

@Hypnalis , She is. And I am very lucky to have her. As much as she can she really does try to understand me. Our dynamic is quite fun. I`m really the grounded one that does not really like change. And she is way more impulsive and imidiatly enthoustiastic about stuff. Often it really seems like she has ADHD, eventhou she does not have it.
That last part is quite funny. Often when I don`t have anything to research because the thing I was researching the day before has been bought. She often comes with ideas for me to look up. Thinking it is purely about the research without understanding that the research part comes from a place of interest in a specific subject. And that interest cannot be forced.
But I will try to figure out what other type of personal 'collection' I could start. Since the lego is something we share. We have about 5k worth of lego in our living room X-D (based on purchace price).

 

[JayCee]

Aaaah ... used to be the Glenffidich 30 yr fir myself,then found prices where crazy for it in later years . Almost 12 yrs.
Saved for quite a long time. Could afford after a few years a 30 year old Glenlivet . Oops
And please understand here , am a person who,buys for the purpose the liqour was manufactured . to drink. or actually for me ,it was to sample on rare occassions . Well that
30 yr Glenlivet , could not hold a candle to a 15 year old Glenffidich in taste and
smell( nose) . And am not sure why this has happened, unless the distillaries thinks people are only buying for investment? And will never drink it because of cost .( Later found a older 30 year of Glenffidich) . Still not as good as their recent line of 15 yr old of the same brand . Am sure there are aging and seasonal changes . But honestly the Previous and 1 st purchase of a 1995 bottle of 30 yr Glennfiddich . Was heavenly and took almost 7 years of sipping shots to finish it. But had to wonder, how this could be ? unless there could have been tampering at the retailer level? Time has passed and liqour days are all but over now.
Always figured if I bought what I thought was best, Would ration it, to make it more affordable , and almost too expensive to drink. Last longer, Hopefully removing alcoholism from the equation in favour of taste .Body, earthtones, peatyness . (Had noted a tendency tiwards alcoholism in parents .) trying to avoid intergenerational downsides . Seems did find out
Dads side had a inherited tolerance to well distilled vodkas . Dodged that bullit just barely .(Just offering my 2 cents .)

 

[Mary Terry]

I like to drink red wine, preferably a cabernet, merlot or Bordeaux. It's not an obsession or even a special interest - I just like the flavor of it and don't overthink it. I usually drink one or two small glasses of wine late in the afternoons while I'm rustling up something for dinner. I never drink and have zero appetite to drink any alcohol after I eat dinner. It would interfere with digestion in a bad way. I've been told that a common characteristic of an alcoholic is that they continue drinking after they eat a meal. I've witnessed a lot of alcoholics who don't stop drinking until they literally pass out.

Does red wine have health benefits? Probably not, or the detriments of drinking outweigh the benefits. But, a girl is entitled to at least one indulgence!

Julia Child famously quipped that she loved to cook with wine and sometimes even put it in her food. That's my philosophy, too.

 

[Lou Laurinen]

Have any of you ever lost your special/intense interest but had people around that were still really into it, or you feel like they wanted you to still be very into it? How did you deal with it?

Yes. I'll share a story as well.
My primary special interest for pretty much my entire life, starting when I was probably a toddler, has been dogs. More specifically showing dogs, and competing in dog-related events.
I competed in dog shows until I was about 28-ish, and even raised a litter of puppies once.

Having a falling out with one of my past dogs' breeders, and then having a falling out with my former best friend who I got a dog from, showed me the truly awful side of that industry, and how most of the people in it are pretty soulless and not in it because they care about the dogs. In the past 5-10 years the shows have also gotten way too cutthroat and competitive, and there has been a lot of bullying and backstabbing within the community, which really turned me off from competing. Not to mention the disgusting politics.
I also got a rescue dog in 2021 (Enzo, my current dog who all of you are probably familiar with) and that kind of further upended everything I thought I knew and loved about dogs.

I still love dogs, and I'd still say they're definitely one of my primary interests, but I view that completely differently now. I don't think I will ever purchase a dog again, now knowing what actually goes on behind the scenes (I was really horrified when someone offered to sell me a puppy without introducing me to the parents of the litter, letting me visit their home, or signing a contract. Those are all HUGE red flags.) After adopting Enzo, I'm sold on rescuing dogs, and I want to formally apologize to anyone I've ever argued about this with. Y'all were right, lol.
Enzo is still one of the central focuses of my life, but now he's kind of just a pet. He still goes almost everywhere with me though, and he can almost always be found sitting or laying next to me. I've just really toned down my interest in dogs over the past few years and have developed a lot of new interests.

I'd say that nowadays my primary interest/hobby is playing hockey, because of how time-consuming it is. I have my husband to thank for that, lol. I don't think I'd ever seen a hockey game in my life until I met him. As soon as we started dating, I was down the rabbit hole.
I've always been an athlete and I love keeping active and I love having things to do that require movement and focus. So it shouldn't really surprise anyone.
My other primary interest now is probably creative writing, I've just cranked out a couple of novels in the past few years that I'm planning on eventually publishing (also a time-consuming hobby.)
I work in construction and farming now, and those are things I'd never really talked about much before but have now been pushed to the forefront as well.

Anyways... a lot of my friends don't care for sports, at all, even sort of hate them, and a lot of them are now wishing I was still only yapping on about dogs all the time instead of hockey. I know that having an interest in sports seems to not be relatable for a lot of autistic people, for some reason, and the majority of my friends are autistic.

So, the question is, how do I deal with it...
Probably not going to be the most satisfactory answer, but now I'm kind of careful and selective about who I talk to about which of my interests. I have friends who will not put up with me talking about hockey for even 30 seconds, so I tend not to bring it up with them. With my partner, and my teammates, I can obviously go on and on about it and have a two-way conversation as well. My parents are interested and supportive, my dad was actually also a hockey goalie in college, way back when, lol. But other than with my closest loved ones, no, I really can't talk about it.

I still enjoy talking about dogs, and I'm happy to talk about dogs with anyone who wants to listen. But I will admit it's not the same as it used to be. My focus is really now just on my own dog.

That was a longer ramble than I intended it to be. I don't have the best advice here, other than to say that if people genuinely love and support you, they should be supportive of your interests changing and evolving. People's interests change a lot throughout their lives, so I don't think it should be too much of a shock if you drop one interest and replace it with another.

 

[kenaij]

Thnx, was really interesting to read!

With what you said and what was said earlier in these posts I have kind of found a middle road. The whisky cabinet stays. But where I wanted to fill it up with rare and interesting whisky's (which would have cost me a lot of money) I`m now fine with willing it up with cheaper more cost friendly options that I like. Outside of my father in law there is not going to be a single person that comes to my house which I would have been able to show of my collection to that would also have been impressed by it.
So going from just drinking bottom shelf stuff and having only 1 bottle, to wanting a very fine collection. To just wanting to have a couple different affordable options that I can just appreciate for drinking (Occasionally!!!) again. Without feeling the need to know every little detail about them. Just whether I like them or not.

Eventhou there was not real answer to the question, all your replies have helped me come to this conclusion. So thank you!

 

[monkeyclogs]

hi,

sorry to sudennly resuscitate this for my own benefit but i'm currently trying untangle my own diagnoses (autism confirmed, questions over adhd or bipolar) and I have questions about the experiences you described. you dont have to answer if youre not comfortable but

when youre following one of these temporary special interests with hyperfocus. are any of these things true;

high energy (can't sit still)
reduced sleep (don't seem to need any), racing intrusive thoughts specific to the passing special interest,
mentally connecting everything to the passing special interest.
more animated and talkative than usual
increased confidence,
impulsive, risk-taking behaviors

and if any of those are true, when you lose interest is that like a crash where those symptoms sudennly disappear?

I'm asking only because I need to see if any of my symptoms previously linked to other diagnoses can be ruled out as simply "common in autism" and it's beginning to be pretty clear that my internal experience doesn't match my external presentation which is making things challenging for the doctors to help!

 

[kenaij]

@monkeyclogs
Hey, no problem at all. That list is very recognisable. So first of. It always feels like I need to have an intense focus or interest in something. I want to reseaurch that thing and want to know everything about it. If I don`t find anything when the previous thing is 'finished' I become really moody, down, or outright depressed. It feels like I have no purpose, and that also feels like other things are not really worth doing either.

Now when I do have something to get deep into it does indeed come with bursts of hightend energy, or happiness. Especially when I discover something new about it. Generally I do stay up later because when I want to sleep a thought goes through my head about the interest and I NEED to look it up, trying to sleep is useless because it simply does not happen. And when talking to my wife, or sometimes other people, I do also link conversations to the interest and always know a way to bring the conversation to the topic. However I do often notice when I want to do it and try not too, especially when talking with my wife because I know it can be quite annoying.
This also makes me want to talk more, as long as it is in some way related to the topic.

I don`t know about the increased confidence or risk taking. I generally am not a risk taker and always want to play it extra save. So these points do not match specifically. But to a degree the increased confidence could be seen as me partaking in conversations that other people have about the topic (or a previous topic I was interested in) because I know what I`m talking about where normally I keep mostly out of conversations because I`m to afraid to not be knowledgable enough or if I might say something stupid or sound dumb.

Hope this helps. If you have any more questions, be sure to ask. I never mind answering, we can always help eachother understand ourselves better. Or to not feel alone in our 'unusual' ways compared to neurotypical people.

 

[monkeyclogs]

@monkeyclogs
Hey, no problem at all. That list is very recognisable. So first of. It always feels like I need to have an intense focus or interest in something. I want to reseaurch that thing and want to know everything about it. If I don`t find anything when the previous thing is 'finished' I become really moody, down, or outright depressed. It feels like I have no purpose, and that also feels like other things are not really worth doing either.

Now when I do have something to get deep into it does indeed come with bursts of hightend energy, or happiness. Especially when I discover something new about it. Generally I do stay up later because when I want to sleep a thought goes through my head about the interest and I NEED to look it up, trying to sleep is useless because it simply does not happen. And when talking to my wife, or sometimes other people, I do also link conversations to the interest and always know a way to bring the conversation to the topic. However I do often notice when I want to do it and try not too, especially when talking with my wife because I know it can be quite annoying.
This also makes me want to talk more, as long as it is in some way related to the topic.

I don`t know about the increased confidence or risk taking. I generally am not a risk taker and always want to play it extra save. So these points do not match specifically. But to a degree the increased confidence could be seen as me partaking in conversations that other people have about the topic (or a previous topic I was interested in) because I know what I`m talking about where normally I keep mostly out of conversations because I`m to afraid to not be knowledgable enough or if I might say something stupid or sound dumb.

Hope this helps. If you have any more questions, be sure to ask. I never mind answering, we can always help eachother understand ourselves better. Or to not feel alone in our 'unusual' ways compared to neurotypical people.

thank you so much for this, it's really helpful. i may be back with more questions

 

[monkeyclogs]

@monkeyclogs
Hey, no problem at all. That list is very recognisable. So first of. It always feels like I need to have an intense focus or interest in something. I want to reseaurch that thing and want to know everything about it. If I don`t find anything when the previous thing is 'finished' I become really moody, down, or outright depressed. It feels like I have no purpose, and that also feels like other things are not really worth doing either.

Now when I do have something to get deep into it does indeed come with bursts of hightend energy, or happiness. Especially when I discover something new about it. Generally I do stay up later because when I want to sleep a thought goes through my head about the interest and I NEED to look it up, trying to sleep is useless because it simply does not happen. And when talking to my wife, or sometimes other people, I do also link conversations to the interest and always know a way to bring the conversation to the topic. However I do often notice when I want to do it and try not too, especially when talking with my wife because I know it can be quite annoying.
This also makes me want to talk more, as long as it is in some way related to the topic.

I don`t know about the increased confidence or risk taking. I generally am not a risk taker and always want to play it extra save. So these points do not match specifically. But to a degree the increased confidence could be seen as me partaking in conversations that other people have about the topic (or a previous topic I was interested in) because I know what I`m talking about where normally I keep mostly out of conversations because I`m to afraid to not be knowledgable enough or if I might say something stupid or sound dumb.

Hope this helps. If you have any more questions, be sure to ask. I never mind answering, we can always help eachother understand ourselves better. Or to not feel alone in our 'unusual' ways compared to neurotypical people.

i'm back knew i would be

the "intense focus". how intense is this? does it effect your ability to manage things like basic routines and remembering the day of the week or is it something different?

when you say "bursts of heightened energy" how long do the bursts last? like hours, days, months?

where you can't get to sleep. does that make you tired the next day? do you ever wake up "ready to get back to it" after little sleep?

when you're having the "need to look it up" does looking it up resolve that need or lead to a spiral of activity connecting information at considerable speed?

thank you!

 

[kenaij]

Welcome back,



It does indeed manage my ability to do things. But not completely to the point that I cannot let it go when I know something important really needs to be done. So for example. At work. I`m a janitor at a highschool, and also do the reproductive work. So copying and printing of various tests and books etc. If I start the copying I could walk away and do other stuff because I can close the room with the printer in it. But my PC is also in the same room. I will often just sit there ‘in case the printer has an error.” To use that time to look things up. I will drop anything that is not really really important or obviously noticeable to other people if a thought comes into my head about the subject. And I Need to look it up. If I`m doing something I cannot walk away from my attention will at most be halved, and the other half will be on the subject.



The length of the energy bursts varies. But they are often quite short. But I do have elevated energy when engaging with the subject. I would say the crashing of energy is when the subject is done is far higher than the increase I get from it.

I can go with quite little sleep for a decently long time. If I were to get 6 hours tops a night I can go on for weeks. But it does often happen that I wake up in the middle of the night. My brain starts, often on the subject of that period and I can forget about going back to sleep. I`ll try, but give up after 30 minutes and engage in the interest.

I more often than not leads to a spiral. Because if I have answered question A you can be sure question B has already popped up. And I will only get out if I know there are some very important things that need to be done.

For example. The washing machine was finished while I was vacuuming the house. I already pulled the wash out so I can hang it. I finished vacuuming and planned to go hang the wash. But something popped into my head to adjust in my spreadsheet. When that was done I had an internet tab open for information which led to me getting to this forum because I saw you had a reply. The washing machine was done about an hour ago. So I guess I`m going to hang it now



Hope it helps.