How I do eye-contact

[Jordan]

Eye contact is a big problem for me. Especially when I block people out some of the time and often ignore what people say. I do tend to look at people's facial expressions and I'm often scared at what they'd say back to me. Quite a big problem in an aspie's day-to-day life.

I often get called names too because I stare at people, and some people like my family tend to say I'm reading conversations wrong.

Eye contact is especially nerv-racking for me.

 

[Stik]

I think this might be the "look" my old therapist said I didn't have therefore all my other symptoms are invalid. I remember having a lot of issues looking people in the eye and it is a skill I had to work hard on. I must have gotten it down since people think I'm ridiculous for thinking I'm an Aspie. It annoys me, the more research I do the more I'm convinced. Anyway, I do force myself to look at people's eyes but sometimes I'm so determined that my eyes start watering. I must be forgetting to blink. I do stare because of my fascination with the iris and shape of eyes, but no one really complains so I must be being doing okay. Like anything else, practice is important!

 

[Divrom]

This is why I can't tell if I'm an NT or Aspie. I have no problems looking people in the eyes and sometimes I have to look away because I feel like I'm staring them down or something.

Sounds fairly Aspie to me. As with most things, eye contact is an area where it seems we are either hypo or hyper.

To be accurate, I guess we shouldn't say Aspies don't do eye contact, but that we struggle to do 'normal' or 'natural' eye-contact.

In fact, I wonder if the reason so many of us struggle with it is because it is intense and/or exhausting. And that's because when we do do it we overdo it.

 

[Judge]

My ability to maintain eye contact never comes naturally. It's something I had to work on for years, not knowing it was connected to being autistic. Not much different from forcing myself to be able to contact people on the phone I wasn't familiar with.

I just figured it was nebulously hampering my credibility in some way, so I fought it. But the point is that I'll always be "fighting" it and I know it.

 

[GallacticGorilla]

. I must have gotten it down since people think I'm ridiculous for thinking I'm an Aspie. !

I VE learned to force eye contact, or look at their forehand. Usually, when I am done speaking, I will look up to consciously gage how they are reacting, but it itsnt a natural thing. That said , isnt it crappy that not only do you have to deal with the burden and realization that you might have a degree of autism, but on top of that you have to deal with people being cynical of you trying to be honest with yourself and what is wrong with you. ITs like you have to feel bad for two different things. I hate that. I read the other day that ASD is about 1:100 and AS is about 1 in 500 its not like there are crazy odds to think you might be that 1 .

 

[Stik]

That said , isnt it crappy that not only do you have to deal with the burden and realization that you might have a degree of autism, but on top of that you have to deal with people being cynical of you trying to be honest with yourself and what is wrong with you. ITs like you have to feel bad for two different things. I hate that. .

I totally agree! I don't know about you, but when I learn something new I just want to talk about it. It sucks when very few people in my life seem interested about this subject. I feel I've been holding a lot inside.c

 

[Keith]

I've been told to stare at the person's forehead.

For me, it depends on the conversation. If I'm at the doctor's or an interview, I'm more likely to pay the person strict attention. If it's casual conversation, I have to get comfortable first.

 

[Nate94]

When someone asks me a question I normally look away thinking about what to say. Most of the time I force myself to make eye contact when spoken to. Even when I am doing something I look at the person who is talking to me during or after they have said something.

 

[Dark]

I heard a rumor that if you look directly between a person's eyes, they can't tell if you're making proper eye contact or not.

I don't generally struggle a lot with eye contact anymore. It's still uncomfortable, but I get by. At least one-on-one. Eye contact with groups, especially when I'm the one talking, is pretty excruciating - I default to staring at the floor.

 

[Cerulean]

Which eye? People have two!

HAHA I have the biggest problem with this. I feel like I'm looking all over the place hopping back and forth between both (this is for the maybe 3 people I can hold eye contact with). Most people who know I'm aspie have mentioned that the first time they knew something was "off" was talking to me and I can't look at them, most assume it's ADD.

 

[kit86]

I used to force myself to do "normal" eye contact, especially before I found out I was an Aspie. It's absolutely overstimulating for me, and I have trouble processing what the person is actually saying to me, because I'm so focused on making appropriate eye contact.
A couple things I've found very helpful:
1) I don't make a lot of eye contact -- especially when I'm trying to listen to what the other person is saying. Instead, I use other means to let them know I'm listening -- nodding, saying "ok" or "mmhmm," and asking questions about what they said.

2) When I feel that eye contact is necessary, I look toward their eyes but actually focus beyond them (as an example, try holding your finger in front of your face and focusing beyond it, so that it blurs into "two" fingers. I do the exact same thing for eye contact. I find it less overstimulating, and allows me to focus more on listening (or speaking).

 

[GoofKing]

I used to force myself to do "normal" eye contact, especially before I found out I was an Aspie. It's absolutely overstimulating for me, and I have trouble processing what the person is actually saying to me, because I'm so focused on making appropriate eye contact.
A couple things I've found very helpful:
1) I don't make a lot of eye contact -- especially when I'm trying to listen to what the other person is saying. Instead, I use other means to let them know I'm listening -- nodding, saying "ok" or "mmhmm," and asking questions about what they said.

2) When I feel that eye contact is necessary, I look toward their eyes but actually focus beyond them (as an example, try holding your finger in front of your face and focusing beyond it, so that it blurs into "two" fingers. I do the exact same thing for eye contact. I find it less overstimulating, and allows me to focus more on listening (or speaking).

I learned to sort of look at the corner at their eyes when I'm forced to make eye-contact but I find it hard to concentrate on what's being said because I too worry about how I might be looking to them or if I look cross eyed or funny.

People used to encourage me to look them in the eye (girls) because I guess I have pretty eyes or something ....

 

[Judge]

2) When I feel that eye contact is necessary, I look toward their eyes but actually focus beyond them (as an example, try holding your finger in front of your face and focusing beyond it, so that it blurs into "two" fingers. I do the exact same thing for eye contact. I find it less overstimulating, and allows me to focus more on listening (or speaking).

That's exactly what I began doing when I first decided I needed to make a better effort at eye contact.

 

[Evy the Owl]

Since I'm anti-psychotics I'm able to look someone in the eye. Unless this person happens to be very cute or very intimidating. I don't really have advice for y'all, I just wanted to state these two things

 

[King_Oni]

I don't have a lot of eyecontact issues... and quite often it's others that look away, not me. Not sure how I should fix that. Perhaps I should start screaming at them "LOOK AT ME!"

But all joking aside; it's an issue I have quite often. It's as if people throw in the towel for my staring contest.

Though on the entire topic of eyecontact, I'm not entire sure what to look for. I've looked people in the eye plenty of times but I just fail to feel a connection at all. So, the act by itself isn't the problem, it's actually the reasoning behind it that just leaves me a bit puzzled.

 

[Fox]

I'm finding I've really started to regress in this area; I have a very hard time making eye contact these days. Even unintentional eye contact or brief eye contact makes me uncomfortable. I used to make eye contact okay, just enough to get through job interviews and the like. My mom says I NEVER made eye contact as a baby/toddler.

 

[AmyB8484]

OMG, this is totally me too! People tell me i don't make eye contact, and I can't because I wont b able to concentrate on what I'm saying, but because people don't know the reason, they think I am doing it out of shyness or intimidation, or ELSE that it means I'm lying. My therapist told me to look at the persons nose because they wont be able to tell the difference, but that makes me uncomfortable too, but not as bad

 

[AmyB8484]

I don't have a lot of eyecontact issues... and quite often it's others that look away, not me. Not sure how I should fix that. Perhaps I should start screaming at them "LOOK AT ME!"

But all joking aside; it's an issue I have quite often. It's as if people throw in the towel for my staring contest.

Though on the entire topic of eyecontact, I'm not entire sure what to look for. I've looked people in the eye plenty of times but I just fail to feel a connection at all. So, the act by itself isn't the problem, it's actually the reasoning behind it that just leaves me a bit puzzled.

Do you think it may be making them uncomfortable because they think it's TOO much eye contact? One reason I have a problem with eye contact is that I don't know how to judge what is just enough, and what is too much or too intense, and am afraid the person may be creeped out.

It's good though that it doesn't bother you. Wish it didn't me!

 

[AmyB8484]

Since I'm anti-psychotics I'm able to look someone in the eye. Unless this person happens to be very cute or very intimidating. I don't really have advice for y'all, I just wanted to state these two things

What's funny is, for the short time I took Wellbutrin, I was able to look people in the eye, but had to quit the med because I'd be high as a kite the first hour or 2, then crash and feel suicidal after that. Wish I could find another drug that does that.

 

[AmyB8484]

HAHA I have the biggest problem with this. I feel like I'm looking all over the place hopping back and forth between both (this is for the maybe 3 people I can hold eye contact with). Most people who know I'm aspie have mentioned that the first time they knew something was "off" was talking to me and I can't look at them, most assume it's ADD.

Me too, about the darting around! I actually DO have ADD, and I always figured it was from that. Do you happen to have ADD too?