How do you stop yourself before you say something insensitive and stupid?

[Calrid]

It's not like I'm 5 and can get away with it any more, and I have learnt to be ,more empathic over time, but you have to say, sometimes you just get in that situation where people get angry at you? And you're like what? I just said that Hitler wasn't all bad je was kind to animals and was a vegetarian; I know ridiculous example, but you get the point, at which point do you get with the program and get the rules of social decorum? I'm way better than I used to be, but I think I'm not as good as NTs. Any advice?

 

[Binary_Bark]

Once you know, I would also like to know. It's like the mouth and brain have absolutely no filter in-between. Thought—straight to mouth—speak it. But it's something that I'm now conscious about and working on.

 

[Calrid]

And the wrost thing as well about it of course, is sometimes you know that no one wants to know what you know or indeeed think, and if you don't say it, it's like you've got a hang nail. I think sometimes you just have to think before you speak, and when you've thought just put a soock in it. but so much easier said than done. Yeah but you just said that becaus e~I observesd x or y about y, not becauseof z... gah!

 

[Slim Jim]

I am also kind to animals, but I'm no vegetarian.

Social decorum, is simply being a phony, telling little white lies, and espousing fake platitudes.

 

[Slim Jim]

I don't stop myself, I embrace it. How am I to know what somebody finds stupid or insensitive? Everybody is different. You can't please everybody.

In fact, you don't have social decorum if you are faking it or being phony.

Not true. I think social decorum is a superficial thing. It's faked all the time.

As far as I'm concerned, I believe the NT world is nothing but lies, fakeness, conformity, and doublespeak.

What they might say: That's marvelous, I'm so pleased for you, That's wonderful. Amazing.
vs.
What they really think: I hate you. But..I've got to suck up to you, now,or I'll lose my standing in the community.


I think a lot of people put on a facade of politeness. Usually for their own self interest. It's Hierarchical.

Many times, There can be a direct conflict between expressing yourself honestly, and insulting people, offending people. That's why many people rationalize lying, "little white lies," they deem it's for a greater good, to maintain social harmony, social decorum, and therefore harmless, excusable, even commendable.

 

[Magna]

"How do you stop yourself before you say something insensitive and stupid?"

Sadly, for pretty much all of my life I've just kept my mouth shut. Growing up my mom said thousands of times: "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all." The problem was, apparently the innocent questions I'd ask of people, the observations I'd share and speaking up about things that I found personally irritating were apparently often "insensitive and stupid". So apparently much of what I'd say wasn't "nice".

 

[Calrid]

I don't stop myself, I embrace it. How am I to know what somebody finds stupid or insensitive? Everybody is different. You can't please everybody.



Not true. Social decorum is a superficial thing. It's faked all the time.

NT world is nothing but lies, fakeness, conformity, and doublespeak.

What they might say: That's marvelous, I'm so pleased for you, That's wonderful. Amazing.
vs.
What they really think: I hate you, you rotten son of a b! But..I've got to suck up to you, now,or I'll lose my standing in the community.


I think a lot of people put on a facade of politeness. Usually for their own self interest. It's Hierarchical.

Many times, There can be a direct conflict between expressing yourself honestly, and insulting people, offending people. That's why many people rationalize lying, "little white lies," they deem it's for a greater good, to maintain social harmony, social decorum, and therefore harmless, excusable, even commendable.

I completely understand the way you feel; but do you really think that is going to help you in the real world? At the end of the day we are not exactly like other people, I mean we're not goblins, but we're a part of the world we live in: if 99% of peole are not us exactly we could feel no need to fit in, if we wanted to, but at the end of the day we'd spend our lives being very lonely.

I think there's such a thing as being pragmatic, and besides sometimes some people are genuinely happy to see you and nice, it is hard to know the diffference, but it's worth a shot.

I think I don't want to be ronery so I have to learn to be a "nice" person, fake or not. If you cartch my drift, although I am terrible at being nice to idiots if you catch my drift. I'd like to know how o be better at social, because my brain sometimes wont let me.

 

[Slim Jim]

I completely understand the way you feel; but do you really think that is going to help you in the real world?

The real world is nature. What you are referring to his the construct, called civilization, human society, it is anything but real, a fake, phony, deceptive artifice, powered by fear, greed, stupidity and callous self-interest that masquerades as virtuous and noble, but it's all built on bloodshed and lies, and held together by brute force and intimidation.

But it has is nice moments....And I'm not saying you can't be nice to people, despite all this.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

I completely understand the way you feel; but do you really think that is going to help you in the real world? At the end of the day we are not exactly like other people, I mean we're not goblins, but we're a part of the world we live in: if 99% of peole are not us exactly we could feel no need to fit in, if we wanted to, but at the end of the day we'd spend our lives being very lonely.

I think there's such a thing as being pragmatic, and besides sometimes some people are genuinely happy to see you and nice, it is hard to know the diffference, but it's worth a shot.

I think I don't want to be ronery so I have to learn to be a "nice" person, fake or not. If you cartch my drift, although I am terrible at being nice to idiots if you catch my drift. I'd like to know how o be better at social, because my brain sometimes wont let me.

Intemperate speech is not being "real" and avoiding it is neither masking nor being fake. Besides it is against both the tenets of Stoicism and Buddhism. It is mere emotion driven speech.

 

[s704m]

My problem is that I rarely know when I'm saying something rude -- and what one person is offended by, another person takes as intended (straightforward and sincere). It became so bad that I now preface much of what I say with "I don't say this to be rude but...." because I honestly never know anymore, and what I think is a perfectly normal statement or question, I've had people accuse me of saying things that I never said. When I ask my family "why was that considered rude or offensive?" it ends up being some NT social code that I accidentally violated or misunderstood. It all just makes me wish (AGAIN) that people could just say what they mean and mean what they say.

I don't intentionally say rude things to people. I am direct but I also stay quiet much of the time to avoid getting myself into trouble because otherwise what I say and how others interpret my words generally goes badly -- they misunderstand me, and I don't understand their response at all. Communicating is exhausting.

 

[Alexej]

I don't intentionally say rude things to people. I am direct but I also stay quiet much of the time to avoid getting myself into trouble because otherwise what I say and how others interpret my words generally goes badly -- they misunderstand me, and I don't understand their response at all. Communicating is exhausting.

I know that one. To be aware of what is perceived as rude is hard to do. I find that in retrospect I can see how I have come across as rude or insensitive, but not before the fact.

However, it is a train that is often found among us auties

 

[Matthias]

It's impossible in the moment to avoid saying something insensitive or stupid. However, you can prevent or greatly reduce it happening by reading self-help books to improve your social and emotional intelligence followed by practicing what you learned to form good habits. If you do that, saying the right thing will start to come naturally.

It also helps to frequently ask for advice and focus on what you can learn when people criticize you instead of any hurt feelings or judgments about people who criticized you.

 

[Calrid]

The real world is nature. What you are referring to his the construct, called civilization, human society, it is anything but real, a fake, phony, deceptive artifice, powered by fear, greed, stupidity and callous self-interest that masquerades as virtuous and noble, but it's all built on bloodshed and lies, and held together by brute force and intimidation.

But it has is nice moments....And I'm not saying you can't be nice to people, despite all this.

This is exactly what the Borg would sound like before they told us: resistance is futile.

 

[Darkkin]

Usually there are enough other people around me yammering nineteen to the dozen that no one is going to hear anything I say, so I simply say nothing, but I listen.

If someone says something completely illogical I will speak up (insert logic dictates rational) and hand the conversation back. Not the most graceful segue, but it actually has made people stop and think. One verbal and written cue I use when I make a suggestion or want someone to listen to an opinion is: Consider (insert point of consideration).

Give people the choice of listening and it can dramatically affect the tone of a conversation, (usually in a good way). Throw unsolicited advice out and it can make one seem like one has the perspicacity of wet cement.

It is the difference between conscious acknowledgement, actually engaged conversation, and a reflexive response. The reflexive response is the NT societal norm of empty small talk autistics struggle with.

The axiom better to remain silent and thought a fool than to open one's mouth and remove all doubt stems from this type of interaction.

As an individual, consider how you respond to others. Do you have an extroverted or introverted personality type? How you respond to others whether it is gaining energy from the interactions (extroversion) or being physically and mentally drain by said interactions (introversion), is a decent place to start.

Consider what you gain from expended social output. Does it benefit you? Is it worth your spoons?

Also know that many autistics use scripted conversation(s) as a workaround tool because they can and do struggle with neurotypical conversation. It is a really common issue. The book What to Say Next by Larry and Sarah Nannery offers pretty decent insight into NT - autistic communication.

And be kind to yourself. You run on an autistic system in an NT world. It is going to be a struggle.

It might sound like an empty platitude but work toward being conscious of social context. The who, the what (topic under discussion, if it is a generally horrible topic like Hilter, it is not recommended that one cherry picks his positive traits.), the where (home or work or family function, etc.).

Gauge the audience. What and how we talk about with friends and family is going to vary drastically from how and what we talk about at work.

As bald and unpalatable as it is it comes down to how much masking is going to be required to be appropriate to any given situation.

A great tool for thinking on one's feet and a pretty decent ice breaker, the game Super Fight. It is a game of improbable arguments akin to ninjas verses pirates, who would win and why. It makes you think fast and critically, both traits that can be immense help in social interactions.