how do i explain to my partner i need him more than what he’s giving me now?

[madisen622]

i realize this was a bad title but i don’t know how else to put it.

i’ve always struggled with showering, it’s hard for me. the transitioning in and out of the shower, being wet, having to take off my clothes, etc. my partner and i recently had a conversation where he found out i only showered once a week since we started living together (we have different work schedules.) he was surprised i could see it on his face, i felt disgusting talking about it and seeing his reaction. i told him my mom always helped me with it, she washed my hair and helped me stay on top of showering at least every other day or third day when i was having a HARD time even with her help.

i guess my question is: how do i tell him i need him to help me with daily tasks? these include reminding me to take my medicine, bathing, using the bathroom, eating when i’m full because i can’t understand my body cues most of the time, etc.

i’ve been struggling really badly recently with this, any advice helps.

 

[Judge]

Perhaps the first thing to be aware of, is perhaps something you already know. That asking such things of someone may depend largely on how well you know them. To be able to assess whether or not they are a "nurturing" person or not. Many people aren't, for whatever reason.

You're struggling with this, so it would seem you are anything but confident about how this may go down with your significant other. Though I don't think anyone here would blame you.

My perspective is not based on having to ask anyone of such things, but rather being the person asked. I have been a caregiver to my mother in her last four years before she passed away. Something my older brother totally balked at. I have also taken care of a girlfriend's daughter, from ages four to seven. More like a parent than a babysitter, as she had physical, emotional and a few hygiene issues. What complicated it was my girlfriend, who was desperate to make a business work that she won in a divorce settlement. Leaving her little time for her daughter, despite my working full-time myself.

I also took care of another girlfriend along the lines of what you want to ask of your significant other. In her case it was over an injury that left her incapable of taking care of herself in the most personal of ways. Being right-handed and having severely broken her wrist. I took off time from work for a few weeks to take care of her, given her total panic and hysteria over losing her ability to do so much most people would take for granted.

Under such circumstances, I would try (if possible) to not only be gentle in explaining such things to your significant other, but also to try to do it incrementally in the process. Not to dump too much on him all at once. Mostly given that a lot of people for any number of reasons may simply shy away from what you are asking. Though this would also mean attempting to try to be more proactive about taking care of your own needs to some extent to make up the difference. This way if he is receptive to such a request, you may be able to ease him into this role. It's what my girlfriend did in asking me to take care of her daughter. At the beginning, I was quite unsure about it all, but had she asked me to do everything she needed at the outset, I might have declined. But I didn't, and it made it easier for me to slowly absorb so many things I felt was out of my league to be doing. It helped tremendously though as well that her daughter and I quickly bonded, which seemed to be a factor her mother was very aware of. It made so many things much less awkward or embarrassing for both of us.

The main thing here IMO is that you're asking a lot, where it can be complicated in whether or not a person is up to such things, or not at all. And in this instance some people can be overly judgemental about such things, making the whole proposition quite sensitive for you to negotiate. Where you must be very attentive towards your significant other to try to get a feel for whether or not he's up to such a thing or not. The main reason for approaching such a request incrementally, so you don't literally scare him away.

That some people are "givers", while others are "takers". And that sometimes it's not something to easily perceive with people, even when you think you know them. In essence, some people emotionally and physically have what it takes to be a nurse, while most people don't.

 

[Rocco]

Maybe you could make an effort to shower with him a few times a week and have him help you with your hair and back or whatever.
A medicine container that has a week to a months worth of compartments can help you stay on track with your medications, and alarms on your phone could help you with medication times.
Alarms on your phone for bathroom breaks and meal times would help too.
It sounds like you need to establish a structured routine for self care and phone alarms combined with lists or reminders might help a lot.

 

[grommet]

i realize this was a bad title but i don’t know how else to put it.

i’ve always struggled with showering, it’s hard for me. the transitioning in and out of the shower, being wet, having to take off my clothes, etc. my partner and i recently had a conversation where he found out i only showered once a week since we started living together (we have different work schedules.) he was surprised i could see it on his face, i felt disgusting talking about it and seeing his reaction. i told him my mom always helped me with it, she washed my hair and helped me stay on top of showering at least every other day or third day when i was having a HARD time even with her help.

i guess my question is: how do i tell him i need him to help me with daily tasks? these include reminding me to take my medicine, bathing, using the bathroom, eating when i’m full because i can’t understand my body cues most of the time, etc.

i’ve been struggling really badly recently with this, any advice helps.

I do not know if this will help but I found that when I was with my ex girlfriend I loved her so much I was happy and would help with anything she needed. She was bigger to me than any thing. We were together for eight years, the love I had waited for and we could not stay together but unlike with anyone else I cared about her first and always. I mean with someone I felt less with little things mattered. With her the biggest thing did not.

So what I am thinking is that if your boyfriend is that happy with you, he will not care about the things that are hard for you and you need help with.

My ex needed my help with a lot of things but she would interpret for me when people spoke. I badly needed her for that. I just hear a wall of sounds until a person stops talking. I only notice how long it lasts. I would look at my girlfriend and she would tell me what the person said. It was so wonderful having that help.

She could not understand her family. I would interpret for her what they meant when they did things. Like when her older brother bought her a car. She wanted to pay him back. I explained it was personal for him, to finally be so successful he could buy a car for his little sister. Paying him back was not necessary and would take away that good feeling he had.

We helped each a lot with daily living skills. I was always so happy to help her. Taking care of her was a way I could show her I cared about her.

I hope things will work out with your boyfriend but I wanted you know that I think the right person likes you so much the things do not matter.

 

[Aspychata]

Sometimes l don't have energy to wash my hair, so l go to the kitchen sink and wash it there. You can get a shorter haircut , so that your hair will be easy to manage. If you find an environmentally safe dry shampoo, that will help you slide thru one or two shampoos. If you suds up wash cloth outside of the shower/tub, and wipe yourself down, private areas last so as not to spread anything around, then you simply need to rinse off in shower. Some people shower this way to keep their water bill costs down. These ideas will give you some independence, and he will appreciate that. It is hard to ask others for help, l totally get that.

 

[Tired]

I would look at my girlfriend and she would tell me what the person said.

Can you explain what was the difference between her talking and others talking, why would you understand her and not others?

 

[Tired]

i guess my question is: how do i tell him i need him to help me with daily tasks? these include reminding me to take my medicine, bathing, using the bathroom, eating when i’m full because i can’t understand my body cues most of the time, etc.

Honestly saying he was supposed to know that you need help with daily tasks before you started living together... of course now he is very surprised (and hopefully not disturbed, because I would have been if someone would play this stunt on me after we started living together).
And you can't do much now but just plainly tell him that. If he wants to help you - good. If not - then it will become a problem between you two, and you both should see how to solve it. Either he will help you, or you will have to manage those things on your own with alarms and other types of help which users named you here already. Or you will have to search for a partner who can help you with that...

Wishing you all the best, hopefully it will resolve in the way which suits you both!

 

[madisen622]

Perhaps the first thing to be aware of, is perhaps something you already know. That asking such things of someone may depend largely on how well you know them. To be able to assess whether or not they are a "nurturing" person or not. Many people aren't, for whatever reason.

You're struggling with this, so it would seem you are anything but confident about how this may go down with your significant other. Though I don't anyone here would blame you.

My perspective is not based on having to ask anyone of such things, but rather being the person asked. I have been a caregiver to my mother in her last four years before she passed away. Something my older brother totally balked at. I have also taken care of a girlfriend's daughter, from ages four to seven. More like a parent than a babysitter, as she had physical, emotional and a few hygiene issues. What complicated it was my girlfriend, who was desperate to make a business work that she won in a divorce settlement. Leaving her little time for her daughter, despite my working full-time myself.

I also took care of another girlfriend along the lines of what you want to ask of your significant other. In her case it was over an injury that left her incapable of taking care of herself in the most personal of ways. Being right-handed and having severely broken her wrist. I took off time from work for a few weeks to take care of her, given her total panic and hysteria over losing her ability to do so much most people would take for granted.

Under such circumstances, I would try (if possible) to not only be gentle in explaining such things to your significant other, but also to try to do it incrementally in the process. Not to dump too much on him all at once. Mostly given that a lot of people for any number of reasons may simply shy away from what you are asking. Though this would also mean attempting to try to be more proactive about taking care of your own needs to some extent to make up the difference. This way if he is receptive to such a request, you may be able to ease him into this role. It's what my girlfriend did in asking me to take care of her daughter. At the beginning, I was quite unsure about it all, but had she asked me to do everything she needed at the outset, I might have declined. But I didn't, and it made it easier for me to slowly absorb so many things I felt was out of my league to be doing. It helped tremendously though as well that her daughter and I quickly bonded, which seemed to be a factor her mother was very aware of. It made so many things much less awkward or embarrassing for both of us.

The main thing here IMO is that you asking a lot, where it can be complicated in whether or not a person is up to such things, or not at all. And in this instance some people can be overly judgemental about such things, making the whole proposition quite sensitive for you to negotiate. Where you must be very attentive towards your significant other to try to get a feel for whether or not he's up to such a thing or not. The main reason for approaching such a request incrementally, so you don't literally scare him away.

That some people are "givers", while others are "takers". And that sometimes it's not something to easily perceive with people, even when you think you know them. In essence, some people emotionally and physically have what it takes to be a nurse, while most people don't.

wow, i love your insight.

thank you for taking the time to respond.

 

[madisen622]

Maybe you could make an effort to shower with him a few times a week and have him help you with your hair and back or whatever.
A medicine container that has a week to a months worth of compartments can help you stay on track with your medications, and alarms on your phone could help you with medication times.
Alarms on your phone for bathroom breaks and meal times would help too.
It sounds like you need to establish a structured routine for self care and phone alarms combined with lists or reminders might help a lot.

thank you!

i’ll try that. i also plan to talk to my therapist about everything tonight too and see what she thinks.

 

[madisen622]

I do not know if this will help but I found that when I was with my ex girlfriend I loved her so much I was happy and would help with anything she needed. She was bigger to me than any thing. We were together for eight years, the love I had waited for and we could not stay together but unlike with anyone else I cared about her first and always. I mean with someone I felt less with little things mattered. With her the biggest thing did not.

So what I am thinking is that if your boyfriend is that happy with you, he will not care about the things that are hard for you and you need help with.

My ex needed my help with a lot of things but she would interpret for me when people spoke. I badly needed her for that. I just hear a wall of sounds until a person stops talking. I only notice how long it lasts. I would look at my girlfriend and she would tell me what the person said. It was so wonderful having that help.

She could not understand her family. I would interpret for her what they meant when they did things. Like when her older brother bought her a car. She wanted to pay him back. I explained it was personal for him, to finally be so successful he could buy a car for his little sister. Paying him back was not necessary and would take away that good feeling he had.

We helped each a lot with daily living skills. I was always so happy to help her. Taking care of her was a way I could show her I cared about her.

I hope things will work out with your boyfriend but I wanted you know that I think the right person likes you so much the things do not matter.

thank you so much.

i love your perspective, it’s heartwarming. i plan on telling him later today i think. it’s too early we’re both getting ready to leave for work lol.

 

[madisen622]

Sometimes l don't have energy to wash my hair, so l go to the kitchen sink and wash it there. You can get a shorter haircut , so that your hair will be easy to manage. If you find an environmentally safe dry shampoo, that will help you slide thru one or two shampoos. If you suds up wash cloth outside of the shower/tub, and wipe yourself down, private areas last so as not to spread anything around, then you simply need to rinse off in shower. Some people shower this way to keep their water bill costs down. These ideas will give you some independence, and he will appreciate that. It is hard to ask others for help, l totally get that.

thank you. i’ll have to try that.

it is hard for me to ask and i appreciate you seeing that and providing a solution.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

i realize this was a bad title but i don’t know how else to put it.

i’ve always struggled with showering, it’s hard for me. the transitioning in and out of the shower, being wet, having to take off my clothes, etc. my partner and i recently had a conversation where he found out i only showered once a week since we started living together (we have different work schedules.) he was surprised i could see it on his face, i felt disgusting talking about it and seeing his reaction. i told him my mom always helped me with it, she washed my hair and helped me stay on top of showering at least every other day or third day when i was having a HARD time even with her help.

i guess my question is: how do i tell him i need him to help me with daily tasks? these include reminding me to take my medicine, bathing, using the bathroom, eating when i’m full because i can’t understand my body cues most of the time, etc.

i’ve been struggling really badly recently with this, any advice helps.

Any advice must be within the context of what kind of person your life-partner is. (1) How nurturing they are, (2) How accountable and responsible they are, (3) How busy they are with work outside the home...and so on.

I know that it is VERY common for men to be torn between and balancing their responsibilities of creating enough financial income for the household...and being in the home for wife and family. Some relationships have been brought to divorce because of it when the wife is constantly dissatisfied with the money and also dissatisfied with the absence that is needed to create that income. The wife is always wanting more help around the home, but the job requires the husband to be absent. It is mentally exhausting for your best efforts to be perceived as "never enough"...you feel like a failure, the stress and demands will leave you mentally trashed...and when men are in this situation, they shut down. Putting further demands on them will only drive them away.

I don't know your situation...but be sensitive to the other person, as well.

 

[grommet]

I think it was stress, overwhelmed when strangers spoke. My girlfriend was familiar, I did not have to get to know her first so I could listen, I already did that. So with her I heard words and she could explain things in a way that made sense. One person spoke for a long time, my girlfriend made it into one sentence.

I was annoyed the person could not do that for me. But maybe it is NT communication to add a lot of things. That does not work for me. The way my girlfriend spoke did. She was also autistic but she seemed to understand everything people said and could translate.

 

[Judge]

I think it was stress, overwhelmed when strangers spoke. My girlfriend was familiar, I did not have to get to know her first so I could listen, I already did that. So with her I heard words and she could explain things in a way that made sense. One person spoke for a long time, my girlfriend made it into one sentence.

I was annoyed the person could not do that for me. But maybe it is NT communication to add a lot of things. That does not work for me. The way my girlfriend spoke did. She was also autistic but she seemed to understand everything people said and could translate.

Funny to think of how many times I have positively commented on autistic men with NT wives who truly are their "wingman" in navigating social events. But to think of having an autistic partner to perform a similar function....that must have been awesome.

 

[Outsider]

i realize this was a bad title but i don’t know how else to put it.

i’ve always struggled with showering, it’s hard for me. the transitioning in and out of the shower, being wet, having to take off my clothes, etc. my partner and i recently had a conversation where he found out i only showered once a week since we started living together (we have different work schedules.) he was surprised i could see it on his face, i felt disgusting talking about it and seeing his reaction. i told him my mom always helped me with it, she washed my hair and helped me stay on top of showering at least every other day or third day when i was having a HARD time even with her help.

i guess my question is: how do i tell him i need him to help me with daily tasks? these include reminding me to take my medicine, bathing, using the bathroom, eating when i’m full because i can’t understand my body cues most of the time, etc.

i’ve been struggling really badly recently with this, any advice helps.

I'm not sure if I understand your situation correctly. If you have a difficulty taking shower and do other tasks you're entitled to a home attendant if you live in US. On the other hand, you have a job, which disqualifies you from having a home attendant. I don't really know what to advice to you.

 

[grommet]

Funny to think of how many times I have positively commented on autistic men with NT wives who truly are their "wingman" in navigating social events. But to think of having an autistic partner to perform a similar function....that must have been awesome.

It was the best. Finally being around another person who understood everything. We could always say yes or no to things. No long explanations ever. We accepted things about each other, about how we needed to live. She had stuffed animals that were very important to her. I have a fiction book I will not joke about or like other people making jokes about. We did not tease each other.

She did very well in lifeskills. I do not know how. She could work and understood all paperwork. She could fill out anything and I always needed her help with that. She explained forms to me and went to meetings with me to translate what the person was saying to me.

She did not understand some important things like when her car was towed and how to get it back. I took care of it. Strange but when she was panicked and did not know what to do at the tow yard, I understood everything and explained things to her. I also used my credit card to release the car. She was confused that if the ticket was so much why was there more payment than that. I understood it was tow fees from the company and you could not argue.

We helped each other. Other problems came up so we could not stay together but having a partner who was autistic made me feel like I finally found someone like me and when we did things the world made sense to us together.

 

[madisen622]

I'm not sure if I understand your situation correctly. If you have a difficulty taking shower and do other tasks you're entitled to a home attendant if you live in US. On the other hand, you have a job, which disqualifies you from having a home attendant. I don't really know what to advice to you.

yea, it might not be for long though.

i’m really struggling with my job right now. we’ll see though lol.

thank you for responding regardless!

 

[Rodafina]

@madisen622

There can be a very steep learning curve when two people start living together. There is a lot that you have to learn about each other now that you are sharing a space so closely. I think it can be hard to be vulnerable, but that’s what taking this step to live together is all about – really learning about the other person.

Perhaps, you could frame the conversation as ways that you can support each other now. If he suddenly has a list of things that you need him to do for you, that could be overwhelming. It might be easier to have a conversation about mutual support, understanding, and how you want to live together as opposed to listing the ways that you need him to help you. I think it’s healthy to establish a line of communication where each partner is allowed to ask for support from the other, and each person can use their own strengths in a complementary way.