How do I ask for affection?

[Pondering]

Arms wide open screams "hug me" without saying a word. Right up to the person you want a hug from but not super close. If the person asks what you're doing, say: "Bring it in. Hug. Hug. Hug. . . ".or "can I have a hug". Works every time. . .

 

[sisselcakes]

The title says it all. How do I ask for affection? I know if someone is affectionate to me I can return it in the same way (learned it from an online course on relationships). But what if I'm the one who wants to start it?

It's rare for me to feel connected to people but I do enjoy when an understanding someone is sweet to me and strokes my hair or do things like that, it feels like I'm dreaming of Heaven.

People around me seem to get it often without asking. How do they do it?

I've asked them and they didn't seem to understand the question or said they never thought about it, "it just happens".

The times I asked for affection it turned out awkward because I didn't understand how it worked.

When I was a child I would say "I think I have lice" so my aunt would run her fingers through my hair. (I think everyone did this at least once).

Can someone explain how I should ask (or not ask) for it? Is it something you say or do? Am I supposed to just rub against them like a cat? (jk)

Should ask and how to ask, those are the questions!

Depends on whom you ask. I know what you mean about it feeling like heaven.

If it's a romantic relationship with either NT or ASD guy, I just say "Would you play with my hair? I love that." And then it's good to give them positive feedback like, "That feels nice." If you like your forearm rubbed or a part of your legs, same thing, "If feels good when you rub my thigh."

It could be that you don't get it without asking because you don't give off the natural "vibe" which would signal to someone you are open to being touched. But it's not weird at all to ask for it. If it's a hug you want, just say, "I need a hug." Sometimes I'll say to my BF, "Can we cuddle tonight?" (while we watch TV or whatever). He happily obliges because he's very affectionate and he likes it when I ask.

Haven't read through all the responses. Hope to read that you were successful in getting that need met!

 

[sisselcakes]

The title says it all. How do I ask for affection? I know if someone is affectionate to me I can return it in the same way (learned it from an online course on relationships). But what if I'm the one who wants to start it?

It's rare for me to feel connected to people but I do enjoy when an understanding someone is sweet to me and strokes my hair or do things like that, it feels like I'm dreaming of Heaven.

People around me seem to get it often without asking. How do they do it?

I've asked them and they didn't seem to understand the question or said they never thought about it, "it just happens".

The times I asked for affection it turned out awkward because I didn't understand how it worked.

When I was a child I would say "I think I have lice" so my aunt would run her fingers through my hair. (I think everyone did this at least once).

Can someone explain how I should ask (or not ask) for it? Is it something you say or do? Am I supposed to just rub against them like a cat? (jk)

Should ask and how to ask, those are the questions!

Okay, reading further down, I realize you aren't necessarily talking about romantic affection.

Hmmmm, so let me think.

Even for me (an NT with a highly developed ability to empathize and read cues) I feel a brief uncertainty when first meeting someone, in terms of how to greet the person. I can see where it would be tough because some people I kiss on the cheek. Some I hug. Some I shake hands. Occasionally I read it wrong and someone approaches me with a hand (signaling they feel comfortable with a hand shake) and I end up giving them a big hug. LOL.

I commend you on researching and reaching out to get feedback on this. It's great you took a course. Didn't realize they existed.

Sounds like you are looking for a few things: 1. how to judge a proper way to greet someone in an non-awkward way. 2. How to ask for your needs to get met. It's so funny you mention the rubbing against someone like a cat. At first I thought you were serious. There is a friend I have from childhood that I'm starting to suspect is on the spectrum. She used to do odd things like that. She has always marched to her own beat, is somewhat eccentric; and is quite blunt. LOL.

Anyway, back to ideas. I'm sure you have thought of many of these but I'll share anyway. In a group when you are to greet someone I would allow others to go first and observe what the "greetee" is comfortable with. You got the hug thing down- comforting a friend, approaching someone close with open arms, etc.

Have you considered volunteering in a place where people need affection? For example, an assisted living facility or a nursing home for the elderly? At least in the states, they lack for human contact. As long as you have witnessed the person show affection with someone they know as well as you, you can be pretty safe it won't be considered inappropriate. You could give and receive!

I disagree with comments that it's bad to ask for affection. Asking for a hug from someone who is open and an affectionate person is perfectly fine. Of course, it's their right to decline if you misread them, but it's all a learning process! For example, asking an acquaintance to rub your hair would be creepy. LOLLLL.

Good luck!

Oh, afterthought - you could certainly ask certain family members or friends to brush your hair. that might do the trick.

 

[sisselcakes]

(it still didnt end well.)

Have your experiences asking for affection been negative? I'm guessing so from your comments.

 

[Mathalamus]

Have your experiences asking for affection been negative? I'm guessing so from your comments.

its been so negative, i had to reform the entire internal economic system just to do without affection.

after all, denying affection is itself a great weapon. unfortunately.

 

[sisselcakes]

its been so negative, i had to reform the entire internal economic system just to do without affection.

after all, denying affection is itself a great weapon. unfortunately.

You are so right about the denying or withholding of affection as a great weapon. I'm sorry it's been used against you. People can really be bad to each other!

 

[Professori]

Body language. You ask with body language. You send signals by focusing your body on the person who you want affection from. If you are really interested in affection from someone then literally focusing on that person sends signals.

If you want to be more blatant, then I agree within others that you ask with your body by approaching with arms open.

However, the most effective method is always what passes from one person to another via subliminal signals - there is no other way that is effective in making clear your intentions. Everybody picks up those signals, unless you are blond to them. That may well be a problem with some Aspies - clueless to anything but the direct physical.

So, connect with the other by just focusing your body on them subtly.

 

[Bolletje]

Sometimes just stating what you want works. I'm not the best at spontaneous affection, and being a typical Aspie I sometimes forget that my boyfriend might want some attention. So he just reminds me by asking me to stroke his back or his head. Works for the both of us. As for rubbing against people like a cat: I actually give affectionate headbutts occasionally, when I want attention

 

[Tyrantus1212]

The title says it all. How do I ask for affection? I know if someone is affectionate to me I can return it in the same way (learned it from an online course on relationships). But what if I'm the one who wants to start it?

It's rare for me to feel connected to people but I do enjoy when an understanding someone is sweet to me and strokes my hair or do things like that, it feels like I'm dreaming of Heaven.

People around me seem to get it often without asking. How do they do it?

I've asked them and they didn't seem to understand the question or said they never thought about it, "it just happens".

The times I asked for affection it turned out awkward because I didn't understand how it worked.

When I was a child I would say "I think I have lice" so my aunt would run her fingers through my hair. (I think everyone did this at least once).

Can someone explain how I should ask (or not ask) for it? Is it something you say or do? Am I supposed to just rub against them like a cat? (jk)

Should ask and how to ask, those are the questions!

I'm pretty similar here. I need affection because I need to be reassured that I'm loved, and it too feels like heaven when someone is really sweet to me. I too feel that all the people around me are "magically lovable" and I very much envy them. In my case I periodically ask my mother or father to kiss me or hug me or tell me that I'm a good person or that they love me. I randomly tell them that I love them. The constant reassurances might get irritating after a while but I can't help it. I constantly seek reassurances from people. Whenever someone gets mad at me (and that happens a lot) I constantly try to regain their affection. I might over-apologize, or throw a self-hatred tantrum, or simply just change the subject. At such moments I need that reassurance a gazillion times more. People don't like that and I end up making the situation worse - and it just turns into a vicious cycle. The only way to break the cycle is to just go to my room and let out some steam, but I do NOT cope with conflicts well, not in the least. Even if they don't involve me. If my parents fight amongst themselves then I too am involved because I live in the same household.

It's really hard for me to live among so many NT's; I don't know a lot of people so I can't even be sure if I've ever crossed paths with someone on the spectrum in real life. My mom and dad love me very very much and I consider myself lucky...yet I still ask for those reassurances. Whenever someone raises their voice at me even slightly I already assume that they're mad. I'm not sure if it comes from the low self-esteem or over-sensitivity to anger. I'm also wondering if these reassurances I'm talking about are also related to low self-esteem. The self-esteem is not just low, it's down in the abyss. It crosses over to self-hatred much of the time and it's not pretty. This might sound creepy but I might even slap myself on the cheek or punch myself in the face or pull myself by the hair at times (my hair is usually too short to do that final one though, though I'd add in some humor here and there). I get mad at myself a lot, even more than I ever make other people mad. My mother has been telling me that I need professional help based on my tantrums, meltdowns and daily anxieties. I used to think I was some sort of psycho. I kept being in denial about that help part and thought this all might just go away, but who was I kidding. I'm finally getting that help now and it's only the beginning. Those few friends I know only know a small shard of my persona, they know nothing about how I behave at home. Hearing compliments and getting hugs from those friends feels like heaven. The fact that my mom and dad love me makes me feel like heaven. Being loved does make a difference, because if there was no one to love me I would have just committed myself to a mental institution (and that would have been a mistake, I know that now).